Video Transcript: Introduction

Hi, my name is Steve Elzinga. And this is the pre marital coaching class. It's part of the whole Christian Leaders coaching system. Perhaps you've taken the  regular class first about how to coach. This is a specialization course it's a one  credit course. And we're going to be looking at the specialization of pre marital  coaching. I have been a pastor for 37, 38 years, and I've been doing premarital  counseling for all those years. But this is a little bit different. It's it's coaching.  And if you took the coaching class, coaching is more about helping people think  for themselves, rather than, you know, just downloading all kinds of information.  But in this class, you will learn some of the basics of what to download, there's  things that people need to know that maybe they don't know you're meeting with a couple that wants to get married. And there might be some things that they  can learn. But but the way we packaged it, it doesn't come off, like you know, I'm just downloading on you, I'm helping you think about it, we have a book, just this is just hot off the press pre marriage counseling, badge book. And it can we'll  talk more about this, but it can be used as the study that you go through with a  couple or you can use it in a Bible study format. Or you can even do it in a  retreat setting. But a lot of the teaching that you will do on on the whole  premarital thing comes in, in the form of questions so that people in coaching  you want, you want the people that you're helping in the coaching situation to try to figure out as many things as they can on their own. And so asking a lot of  really good questions, actually helps people teach themselves. All right, well,  who is this for? Who is this this course that you're taking it. Who was this course designed to help. Number one, it's designed to help pastors pastors, have a  flock and people young people want to get married. And when they do, they  come to you to learn, you know what they need to do to get the wedding going.  officiant we have an officiant whole degree or certificate that, that some of you  have perhaps already earned or, or maybe you'd like to do that. You get licensed to do weddings, at least in the US here. And there's a course that helps you  figure out all the things that you need to do that. This is something that you  might add to that, instead of just doing the wedding for someone, you could be  prepared or you can be educated enough to actually help them in the process of thinking about their marriage. So actually not just doing the wedding, but  actually preparing them for not only the wedding, but their marriage as well. And  number three, this is part of the Christian Leaders life coach Minister system, we have the basic class where you learn how to be a life coach. And then we have  what we're calling badges there one credit or two credit classes in a specific  area of coaching and the specific area for this course is premarital. Why is  premarital coaching even needed? Why is this an important thing? If you're  going to marry someone, why is it important to sit down with a couple and meet  with them and talk about not only the wedding, but the marriage as well. Number One Love is blind. People fall in love, but sometimes they're infatuated with the  wrong things or sometimes our emotions get ahead of ourselves and and we're 

just going by our emotions and not stopping and thinking about it and premarital  coaching sort of allows a couple to actually analyze things and look at their  relationship and and see where the potential problems might be and, and some  of the potential ways of handling those problems. People are love is blind and  love is very optimistic. Oh, we just love each other and that love will just  overcome all obstacles. Well, it doesn't. Eventually the reality of a relationship,  you know, and two people coming from totally different families and totally  different backgrounds, total different ways of handling things and doing things.  Eventually those things come to the forefront. So why not deal with them ahead  of time? Number two, it's easier to work on problems ahead of time. If you wait  until they surface, then there's a lot of anger and resentment. I know a way you  know, when I got married is my wife discovered some of the things that I do. And she was like, Are you kidding? And the reason that she had a hard time was  because the way she was raised was totally different from mine. In her family,  there was a high regard for everything in its place. Order, and neatness was the  big thing. And in my family, it was the accomplishment, and not neatness. And  so you know, we had a clash, it's better to, to deal with those things ahead of  time to look at those things and to recognize that we have a different  background, and that this could be a problem, and how are we going to deal  with it, we can, if we deal with it ahead of time, you deal with it without the  disappointment without the anger without the feeling betrayed. If you if you wait,  then you have all these other motions, emotions to deal with. Number three,  many marriages do not last. And they don't last because people don't, they don't go into the thing with their eyes open. They don't really understand the other  person, and the other person doesn't understand them. They haven't dealt with,  you know, the important issues like family and faith. Are we on the same page?  Are we on the same mission? Do we have some of the same goals with money  and budgeting? And do we have, you know, are we compatible in terms of  interests and social connection connections that we have with people. A lot of  marriages don't last because people don't realize how difficult it is to form a  partnership. So the more you can learn ahead of time, the better it goes.  Number four, offset the secular cultural view of marriage. So people want to get  married, even Christians want to get married. But the tendency is to just borrow  what we've seen for movies and you know, the cultural view of what a  relationship is. So meeting with a coach or a pastor, is very important for a  young couple to get a broader perspective to get a biblical perspective of what is the purpose of marriage, it's not just because you fell in love, that God designed  this thing we call love, to actually put two opposite people together so that they  can become a powerful partnership in the Gospel. It's about the gospel, the  marriage is about the gospel, two people connecting together in a marriage  actually can become more effective together than apart. So that, you know,  there's a broader context, a broader Christian context that marriage takes place 

in. And so we want to make sure a young Christian couple understands that.  Number five, the wedding is sometimes an opportunity for the gospel.  Sometimes I have people who want to get married and their connection to God,  connection to church is very minimal. And here's my chance to talk about  marriage. And you know, where people struggle and help them see from a  biblical point of view what this could be, and to show them how good it could be  and why this is necessary. It's an opportunity to take a couple that might be  nominal in their faith, and move them closer. Number six, why premarital  coaching is needed an honest appraisal of a couple's compatibility. You fall in  love, and you think that this is the exact right person, but if you just stop and ask a few questions, you'll find out whether you you're closely connected or not,  maybe there's just a strong physical attraction and very little else. Well, the  physical attraction, you know, initially is strong, but you know, over many years  of marriage that gets less and less, you actually have to have other things going. I think God designed it that way he designed he gave us this physical attraction  that gets us to connect with someone we would probably never connect with  otherwise. And but then we have the rest of our lifetime together to develop  something deeper, because the physical thing doesn't last forever. For, but  hopefully those things that you put into place in your marriage will. Alright, so  number two, what is pre marital coaching? It is helping a couple that is seeking  marriage to evaluate for themselves their readiness for a lifelong commitment.  And let me emphasize, I'm, as a coach, I'm trying to help the couple evaluate  whether they are compatible. I'm not the one doing the evaluating. Okay, I'm as  a coach, I'm, I'm helping them do it. And why is this whole coaching thing, he  took the coaching class, coaching is about getting the people you're trying to  help to own what they want to do, rather than you telling them what to do. And  then when it doesn't work, they blame you. If they figure out what they want to  do, then they work. Number one, they work harder at it. And if they drop the ball, it's their fault. So we're trying to in premarital counseling, trying to help a couple,  figure out if they're compatible. Now, the challenge is when you're meeting with  a couple is by the time they meet with a pastor, or meet with a coach or an  officiant, they've already sent the wedding invitations out, they already told their  family that they're getting married, they bought the the rings, they're already  halfway down the trail to getting married. And finally, now they're coming to you.  They should really come to you before they get engaged. Are we compatible?  Let's make sure let's let's go in with our eyes open here. And so we can freely  look at things and evaluate. So you have a bit of an uphill climb here because  the couple comes in. And their goal is in their minds is to convince you the  coach or the pastor that they're right for each other. And you're trying to help  them look at some difficult things. And initially, sometimes they don't want to do  that. They they have already sent the invitations out. They don't want to look at  things that you know, question whether they should be getting married or not. So

it's hard at first. But if you keep pressing, if you let the process, do it, the things  that you're going to be looking at the questions that you will ask those questions  will naturally help a couple start evaluating and they'll stop protecting, you know,  they're the plans that they've already made. Alright, what is the outline for this  course? So what are we going to do in the next eight sessions, we'll explore the  topic of the seven connections of marriage. And the book that we're following  here. Here are the seven connections of marriage. Number one, when you get  when you get married, you will be connected. It's all about connection, you will  be connected permanently. So we'll be looking at some questions that you can  help a couple to understand. You know what it takes to have a permanent  marriage. In the United States, 45% of all marriages end in divorce. And so one  of the questions that, that you'll be asking, the couple that you're helping is what  makes you think your marriage is going to last? Well, we love each other. And  there's all kinds of reasons that people give, but everyone getting married has  those same reasons. And yet 45% of them are wrong, what makes you think you are not wrong, what makes you think that your marriage over against many  others that don't last, that your marriage will last? So when you get married, you  will be connected number one permanently. So we'll look at that. Number two,  the next part, when you get married, you'll be connected playfully. So these are  the things that you like to do. You know, what are the common things? What are  the things that make you different from each other. When you get married, you'll  be connected number three socially. So the friends that you have alone, the  friends that you have together, when you get married, you'll be connected  number four verbally. So we'll talk about communication in a marriage. When  you get married, you'll be connected spiritually. So how do we help a young  couple? begin their life together on a spiritual path? How do we get them into a  spiritual walk with God? What does it take to do that? When you get married,  you'll be connected physically. So the whole physical attraction, the sexuality  that goes on in the marriage, you know the differences between men and  women, we'll be looking at some of those things. And finally, number seven,  when you get married, you'll be connected purposefully. Purposefully, it Yeah,  what is the purpose of a marriage anyway? What what's the point of these two  people getting together? So we looking at things like that. The next two  sessions, so we'll have eight sessions looking at those seven connections. And  the next few sessions after that, we'll explore the topic of the actual wedding  ceremony. And there we'll be looking at the vows, or trying to help a couple write their own vows, then we'll be looking at the ceremony. How do you you know,  what are the parts of the ceremony? What are the what are the core things that  go on in a ceremony? What are sort of the electives? Number three, the  rehearsal a little bit about how you do that. And number four, finally, the  reception? How do you how do you plan a reception with family and friends that  will make this wedding something that people remember, ultimately, something 

that will support the couple in their marriage life down the road. Then the last  session, we'll deal with the follow up to the newly wedded couples. So this is a  comprehensive thing where you're going to help the couple evaluate, you know,  their compatibility together and the things that they need the pieces they need in an actual marriage, we'll be looking at how to put the wedding together. And  then we'll we'll look at two follow ups, you know, after the money, honeymoon,  follow up, and six month checkup with a couple. Because, you know, there's a  lot of things you can talk about beforehand. But until a couple experiences, a  little bit of marriage, there's some things to talk about after. So it's a  comprehensive thing. We have 12 sessions together. And I think you'll be  amazed at how many things that we will cover in this short period of time. All  these things are in this book that you can order or you can download. And you  can actually go through this book with the couple that you're trying to help.  Alright. How does this relate to the Christian Leaders, commission life coach  ministers certification? Number one's an extremely important and useful badge.  If you're going to be a life coach. This is one of the areas where people need a  life coach. And you know, people want to get married. And and you have a tie  into people's lives. In some ways, they're almost forced to do something,  especially if they're asking you to marry them. If they're asking you to marry  them. At least you know, when people ask me if I'm willing to marry them, I  always say, Yeah, I'm willing to marry you. But I have this premarital coaching  thing that I need to take, I don't just marry people, I don't just have them show  up at the church or, you know, here we go. I actually, you know, I'm involved if  you want. If you're asking me to be involved in your wedding, then I have to  know things about you. And I have to make sure that you know certain things.  So it's an extremely important badge of all the different specializations. We have different specializations in terms of coaching, there's, you know, there's  parenting, there's, you know, health and exercise coaching, there's all these  different different courses that you could take or different badges we're calling  them. And this is one of the important ones. Number two, it's the first step in  getting the certified pre marriage life coach badge. This is if you want to get the  certified coaching badge and premarital coaching, then this is the first thing that  you need to take. And then there's the certified pre marriage class. It's a very  short class, there's some things that you have to do if you want to actually  actually be certified as a life coach, a pre marriage life coach. Alright, so that's,  that's our introduction, and we'll start getting into the seven connections. Next  time