Video Transcript: Verbally Connected Part One

Hello again, my name is Steve Elzinga. And I'm going through this pre marriage  coaching class with you. It's one of the badges that you can get for life coaching, meeting with a couple that wants to get married, working towards the marriage,  

but also the wedding. And we've been looking at the seven connections, that a  couple has. This connection is called verbally connected. It's all about  communication. Men and women are different when it comes to communication.  From the book, the language of love by Gary Smalley, a study about the verbal  difference between men and women. Now, as I give this study, it's it's just an  average, it's not saying that every, you know, man is this way, or every woman is this way, but they did a study with first they started, they looked at children, and  100% of the sounds that girls made, they observed them playing, and 100% of  the sounds that the girls made were words, the girls used words 100% of the  time 68% of the boy's sounds were words, but 32% of the sounds that boys  made were not words, were grunts were, you know, punching or you know, the  sound of a car or an airplane zooming around the room, and I have  grandchildren, I can attest to this. The girls have a lot of words, and the boys  have a lot of sounds that they make. Another study that was done suggest that  the average man speaks 12,500 words per day. A woman on average, speaks  25,000 words, twice as many words as a man now, that isn't always true, some.  Some men are really talkative, and some women are not as talkative. But in  general, this is more true. So the problem then for a couple is if this is true for  the average couple, a man goes to work and he ends up using his 12,500  words. And when he comes home, he's sort of done for the day, he's already  used his quota. And then the wife is frustrated, because he doesn't say much.  So whether this is exactly true for every couple or not is neither here nor there.  There are differences there usually differences between two people, let alone  the different sexes, you can have two friends and one says a lot more words  than than someone else. So communication becomes an issue. Men and  women have different speaking styles. And here you want them to start  evaluating. So it's all in the book, and there's little check marks. So that, you  know, the woman can go through and check the boxes that apply to her. And the man goes through and checks the boxes, the box that applies to him. So the  silence? Are you the silent type? You just don't have a lot to say, Are you a  minimalist? You you use words, but only when necessary. So when there's a  purpose to say something, you say something, when there's no purpose then  you don't, you don't just chit chat, you don't just talk for the sake of talking. Or  you could be the kind of person that says it once you say something once, and  you don't like to repeat yourself, I'm that kind of person. You know, when my wife asked me something, if I say something, I'd like to say it once. I don't want to  keep repeating myself over and over and over again. And if I said it once last  week, I don't want to say it again this week. And I know that's unfair. You know,  the person just wants to hear it again, or they didn't catch it the first time. But I'm

just saying that that's my personality. My personality is the kind that wants to say at once. So it's good for a couple of us to sort of evaluate themselves. What kind of speaking style do you have? Or you might be the average kind of person. You like conversation. You don't mind silence. You like a little bit of both. Or, are you  

the kind of person that goes on and on Can talk to anyone, anytime, any topic  anywhere? You like talking? If there's you don't like silence. So you want the  couples to sort of evaluate, you know where they fit into these categories. Then  you want them to start analyzing their listening styles. You know, what kind of  listener? Are you? What kind of listener is she what kind of listener is he? Are  you empathetic? an empathetic listener is someone who feels other's pain and  their joy, that they genuinely are listening to someone, and their eyes reflect. Tell me more about that, oh, that must be painful. And they literally feel what the  other person feels. And the other person feels that they feel it,very empathetic.  Or are you an attentive person, you listen with your whole body. Some people  don't listen very well, they don't even look at you. And you can tell within two  minutes, that they're just not listening to the things that you say. And you know  that because of some of the questions or the things that they end up saying to  you. Or you might be the kind of person that listens just enough to get a topic  from which to launch your own talk. So my father was like that, he, he would ask a question. So how are you? And I would start answering the question, I'd say,  Well, you know, I've been struggling with this. And then, you know, 30 seconds  later, you say, Yeah, you know, well, I'm struggling. And now he goes on to talk  about what he's struggling. He only asked me the question, and he only listened  long enough to get the topic that I was bringing up, so that he could go on and  on about that topic. is one of the couples, you know, kind of leans in that  direction? Or are you the hit or miss kind of listener? Sometimes you listen well,  and sometimes you don't listen too well. So you want you want the couples to  evaluate, you know, individually and each other. Sometimes, you know, as I  might analyze myself and say one thing, and then my wife, spouse, or my fiance looks at me and goes, well, that's not true. That's what you think of yourself. But  that's not how I perceive it. So you want to get them talking about, you know,  they're listening, and they're talking, what kind of listener are, you know, each  one of us, and what kind of a talker are each one of us and discuss this? And,  you know, let's check out the differences. Do we agree about this or not? Or you might be a jump to a quick conclusion, kind of, listener. I'm sort of that kind of  person, I'm quick to make a judgment about people, I listen to enough to get the  picture. Now I've got the picture. And I'm not sometimes patient to listen to the  whole story. So it's good for, you know, a couple to talk about these things.  Okay. So we are, we are different kinds of listeners were different kinds of  talkers. And, and, and because of that, sometimes there's conflict in  communication. There's a difference between a disagreement and conflict.  Disagreement is a difference of opinion. So you have differences of opinions all 

the time, you have disagreements all the time. If you're going to be a partner  with someone, you're going to have disagreements in two different people. If you agree on everything, one of you is not necessary. So you will have  disagreements, that's just a different opinion. And you can explore different  opinions. A conflict is a disagreement with anger. Okay, not only do we not see  eye to eye, we see things differently. But I'm angry at you, because you see  something different, or you don't understand what I'm trying to say. The anger  issue is what makes conflict so painful causes conflicts. Number one, cause for  conflict is people do not feel understood. So if I'm trying to share something, I'm  trying to communicate something and you're not listening well enough to where I feel you understand, then we're ripe for a conflict. You need to listen to me long  enough to understand where I'm coming from, you may not agree with me in the end. See if you can have conflicts with people and still be okay with each other.  If at least you know that the person understands where you're coming from.  They don't have to agree with where you're coming from, but at least they  understand. All right, causes a conflict people do not feel understood. And then  sometimes people don't feel appreciated. Any partnership any relationship.  There has to have there has to be this sense of appreciation. Do I appreciate  what my spouse or my fiance does for me ? 

Unknown Speaker 1 10:01 you know what she contributes to the relationship, if  someone's not feeling appreciated, because there hasn't been encouragement,  there hasn't been a lot of, you know, giving thanks and gratitude and, and, you  know, sometimes it's just noticing what the other person does in a relationship. If people don't feel appreciated, then any disagreement can you're gonna have  disagreements. But disagreements don't necessarily have to be conflicts, they  don't have to be filled with anger. So, so something that you might just naturally  have a disagreement about becomes a conflict, because there's, there's the  appreciation thing that's lacking. So you want to talk about that? How do we  appreciate one another, you know, when we have good feelings about one  another, when we, you know, trust that the other person who appreciates us,  then more was more willing to just talk about a disagreement without, without  getting angry about it causes a conflict, people don't feel understood, people do  not feel appreciated. And finally, people do not feel loved. If you don't feel loved,  then any disagreement is going to lead to trouble. You know, the sense that you  are loved, regardless of the things that you do, or the things that you think, or  the things that you say, when you come from a place of security, that anger  stays at the door. So whenever there's anger in a relationship, you know that  there's some fundamental things missing. Someone's not feeling understood.  They're not feeling appreciated, and they're not feeling loved. Okay, let's look at  some typical conflict management styles. So conflict happens. And it happens  with people that love each other, and happens with two people that are engaged

to each other. And it certainly happens when people get married. They're living  together, conflict happens, so how to how to how do we manage it, and we're all  forced to manage it one way or another. And we, we have our go to ways of  managing conflict, either that we've inherited, maybe our parents did it this way,  or maybe it fits our personality. But But it's good to help a couple that wants to  get engaged, that wants to get married, it's, it's helpful to have them think about  how they typically manage conflict, because there'll be some conflict in how the  different ways that one may manage the conflict different than someone else. So one way of managing conflict is the Eskimo style. Eskimos are native to up to  Alaska here in the United States. And it's very cold in Alaska, a lot of snow. So  the Eskimo style is the silent treatment, the cold treatment. So people that  engage this style of conflict management, when there's a conflict, they just stop  talking. So instead of talking about the problem and solving the problem, we're  just going to, we're not going to talk about it. If you're going to bring into conflict  into our relationship, I'm going to shut down. Well, you can see this not a great  way to manage conflict. I mean, it, I guess, is you stop the argument, but it  doesn't solve the conflict. Or the cowboy style. You know, back in the 1800s, at  least in the United States, we had this cowboy culture where everyone had a  gun and everyone's shooting the gun. At least that's the way that Hollywood  movies portrayed. And some people manage their conflict that way. They, they,  they shoot first and ask questions later. They they jump to conclusions, they get  mad right away, they assume that they're right. They just put, you know,  whatever the conflict is, they say whatever they feel, and they just throw it out  there. They just like a gun shooting everywhere and they don't care who gets  hurt. You know. So when people are frustrated, those with the cowboy  management style, just, you know, just let it all out. And people get hurt all  around them. Then there's the lawyer style of conflict management. I'm kind of  that way that's my natural go to in a conflict. I go into lawyer mode because I'm  a very logical person. So you know, if I'm sitting with my wife and we have a  issue that comes up, I'm Like a Lawyer. I'm asking questions. If she says  something I have four things I can say against what she just said. It's, you know, I can be very intimidating. And she's not a lawyer type person. So she's more of  the Eskimo thing. So I start, you know, saying all kinds of arguments, you know,  making my point one after another, and I'm very quick at it. I don't have to sit  and think about it. The answers come really fast. Well, then she goes into  Eskimo mode, how can she compete with that? She's not a lawyer type, she  needs time to think about these things. But I'm not giving her time. I'm a lawyer,  like you, you know, I have her on the stand here. Okay, what do you say about  this? So she retreats. So the lawyer thing, though you're being logical is can be,  is not always that effective, then there's the dictator style of conflict  management, we don't have a conflict, man, we don't have a conflict here. Let's  just do it my way, is a person that just, you know, takes over as large and in 

charge, you know, we're going to do it my way. So it's good to have a couple to  discuss this. What, what styles of management conflict do we have going on in  our relationship, there might be a combination of some of these things. You  know, you tend to go Eskimo, when this happens, you tend to be a lawyer or  you're a dictator, or you're, you're a cowboy. And you know, it's good for a couple just started thinking about these things, then there's the fugitive style, so like the  Eskimo style, but it's where you literally walk out, you know, the conflict starts,  the argument starts and one just leaves they, they get in the car and go, they  can't deal with it. So which of these styles fit, you know, this one, or fits that  one? Or maybe they have a combination of these styles in their relationship?  Okay, let's look at the habitual communication times. The truth is, a lot of our  lives are dictated by the habits that we have in our life, the things that we always do. And, and, and as a couple is engaged, they don't have all the habits down  because they're not living together yet. So right, now they have certain habits,  but as they go forward in their marriage, they're going to acquire new habits. So  just want to go over with the couple. Some of the basic places where there can  be this connection, because without a habit of connection, you can't have much  of a relationship. If you if you let connections just happen wherever they happen. Soon you won't have a relationship. And that's true about any relationship.  Alright, so you get married. One possible habitual connection point is breakfast.  You know, you get up at the same time you have breakfast together, and you  connect lunch, some people are able to do that. A lot of people go to different  places to work, and so they can't do the lunch thing together. But then maybe  afterwards that you always have dinner together. Since establishing habits  where you're actually together, without that relationships fall apart, date night.  You know, when you're dating, maybe you don't need that because you're  motivated to being together. But in a marriage relationship, you actually have to  carve out time together. And if you don't, you won't have time together. A shared  work, what kinds of things can you work at together, you know, painting the  house, doing some the yard work, or whatever it might be that you can do  together, shared hobbies, it's so important to have fun things that you do  together. church, church is one of those things that that a couple can do  together, you sit together, you sing together, hold hands while you're singing,  you pray together, you, you're listening to the Word together. So important to do  these things together. Bible study groups, sports, if you if you have some sport  that you can do together, maximizing these habitual times that bring you  together. Finally, bedtime a lot a lot of couples because you know you marry  your opposite sometimes and one wants to go to bed late one wants to go to  bed early, but you're missing some time, some precious time that you can have  together, time to communicate. If you don't have these habitual times, where you communicate throughout your day throughout your week, then you're more likely to end up communicating when there's a problem when there's a conflict, and 

then your relationship is defined by all of these conflicts. So we'll end this  session here, but we're going to continue this this connection on how we are  connected verbally