Video Transcript: Verbally Connected Part Two

Hello, again, my name is Steve Elzinga. We're in the coaching class. And we're  looking at pre marriage. And we're looking at the seven connections that  potential couples connections that they have, that we're working on together.  And we've been working on communication. Last time, we looked at part one of  how a couple is verbally connected. And now we want to continue on with part  two. And part two. Largely, I want to talk about a thing that I call the pretzel and it can be called anything. I just gave it a word a name that, that, that when you  learn how to do it, it's a way of dealing with conflict. As a couple, it's a technique  of dealing with conflict, and not a technique that you're going to use with every  single conflict that you have with your potential mate. But it's something that,  that once you learn it, you can employ it when you would like to. And so I want  to give it a name. I'm calling it the pretzel, so that as the couple goes, goes on  with their married life, if they get into a conflict, one of them could say something like, maybe we should do the pretzel with this. You know, you're not, you're not  always going to do it every time. But at least someone can say, hey, maybe we  should go through this way of dealing with conflict on this particular issue. The  pretzel Ephesians 4. Ephesians 4:15, instead, speak the truth in love. So, we  want to speak the truth. But we need to do things in a loving way. We want to  deal with disagreements. We want to deal with disappointments, and frustrations that we have in a marriage relationship. But how do we deal with those  frustrations, in a loving way? Often conflict is we're angry, we're frustrated, our  expectations have not been met. We've been misunderstood. And, and, and the  anger just takes over. And we don't have a loving process with which to deal  with these things that come up. You're going to have disagreements, you're  going to have disappointments, you're going to have frustrations in a marriage.  So how can we deal with those things in a more loving manner? Step one. Okay, this is very important, you have to put your thinking hat on for this session,  because there's some steps that you really have to master, you really have to  know these things. Because it goes against what we naturally do. Okay, so step  one, one of you, let's call that person, person A, and the other person will be  person B. So one of you Person A, let's say, it's my wife communicates that they have a problem with the other, I have this problem related to you. So my wife  comes to me and says, Steve, I have this problem with you. For example, She  might say, you're always late, which makes me late. Or you rarely say words of  appreciation to me, or you never do anything with me. You never tell me  anything or my wife would probably say you leave messes all around the house, you don't close the closet doors you don't pick up your stuff off the floor, you  leave things around the yard, you have tools, you have the hammers here, you  use this thing and there it sits on the counter, you have your papers, you have  your, your computer, you have your you know, your books, everything's laying all over the place. That's my problem with you. So A has a problem with partner B a step two the other person person B responds to the problem with Questions 

Only. So typically what happens, prow a couple or Person A has a problem with  Person B, they come to person B and say I have this problem. You're always  doing this. And then usually B responds with that's unfair, or you do the same  thing. Or that was only yesterday. I don't always do it. In other words, you know  Person A attacks, and person B usually defends it and usually Person A attacks  in sort of an excessive way. You never clean up. Wow, that's that's never true,  right? I mean, usually people aren't always one thing and so right away the  Person objects. What do you mean I'm never on time So there's usually a  potential for a tennis match, you know, you hit the ball at me, I hit the ball at you, you hit it out at me, I hit hard back at you. And that's why couples generally go  down the same argument trails over and over and over again, and never solve  them. So Partner A, says the problem, and maybe they say it in a nice way. Or  maybe they say it because they're angry, and they're totally frustrated. Okay,  Partner B needs to relax, Partner B needs to not be offended. Partner B needs  to respond with listening questions. For example, number one, could you explain a little bit more about this problem? Now that's counterintuitive. You know,  someone that's just, you know, someone has a problem with me. And they've  stated the problem. And now I'm asking them to elaborate on the problem.  Generally, we don't want people to elaborate on the problem that they have with  us. You know, it's like someone brings me negative things about me. And I am  supposed to ask, Can you say more about negative things about me, but you  need to do this. Try to ask questions that help the other person explain the  problem they have with you in greater detail. You might as well find out what  their whole problem is with you. Maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg. And if  you answer it, you're not going to find out what the what the whole problem is.  Or maybe what the real problem is. Maybe the real problem is not the problem  that they're stating. But something behind something bigger, something that  messes up your relationship in almost every area. Number two, why is this a  problem for you? So try to ask questions that will help them explain what your  actions or words do to them in a hurtful way. Why is this a problem for you? So if my wife is complaining about me not closing the cupboard doors and leaving  things around the house? So okay, I get you know, I asked her to explain  everything, you know, give me more examples and details, I want to know  everything that you're thinking. Now, why is this a problem? Well, it's a problem,  because then I have to clean up, or, or it's a problem, because, you know, I just  clean that up, and then you come and make a mess. It seems like you don't  appreciate all the things that I do. Because I do all this. And that just gets  undone in a few moments. So I want to know as much as I can about how what I do or what I don't do affects her, how it hurts her what it does to her. I want her  to go into great detail. Now that's counterintuitive. Why do I want someone to tell me more about how I'm lacking? What's missing in me, but you need to, you  need to walk in their shoes for a while. Number three, how does my part in this 

make you feel? Can you explain why why you feel this way? Is this a big thing?  This is a little thing on a scale of one to 10,10 being really frustrating, and one  being mildly frustrating. Whereas this on the scale, when she tells me it's a nine, really, you know me leaving something on the floor is a nine to you. Can you can you explain that? Can you tell me how you feel? Can you explain you know  what's going on, I want to hear from your point of view. Number four, finally, after you listen, and this is you know, 10,15, 20 minutes, half an hour listening, of  listening to the other person's side and not defending. Now that person may say  some things that are unfair, that are totally not true or not accurate. And you will  want to respond to them. But you don't want to do that. You sit back, you're in.  I'm trying to understand you mode. Not. I want you to understand my position.  You can you can do that later. Right now. You're just spending time trying to  figure out what their issue is. And here's the thing what happens if you have  listened well, then at this point, you should be able to explain what it is that you  do or say that hurts your spouse, or your potential spouse, and why this is  important to them and how they feel about it. If you cannot explain all of this to  their satisfaction. You have not listened long enough or well enough. So you  know you're done listening, when you can repeat how they feel. This is what I  think your problem is with me. This is how I think you feel about it. This is why  it's really important to you. Do you think I understand you if your spouse doesn't  say yes, I think you understand then you have to listen more. This is totally  important. You have to listen long enough and well enough. So that the one that  the person that brought up the problem feels that the one that they have a  problem with, finally understand. And then finally, once you have that sense of  understanding, you ask this question, what do you need from me? This point,  your spouse should feel that you really understand their concern. And now  you're ready to hear what they would like you to do. Proverbs 20:5, Counsel in  the heart of man is like deep waters, but a man of understanding will draw it out.  And this is so important, and couples don't do this. That one comes to the  problem, and the other one gets defensive. The other one that comes with the  problem says it unfairly says things that aren't maybe true. And then the other  person reacts to all of that. It doesn't matter whether the proud the person with  the problem is saying it accurate accurately or not. Your job is to understand  how they think and how they feel, regardless of whether they should feel that  way or not. You really have to spend time doing okay, step three. Proverbs  18:17, the first to present his case seems right, until another comes forward and  questions. Okay. So you've listened to one side, and you've listened well, you've not objected, you've not put your defense up. You listened to well, but now it's  time to switch things around. Now switch roles, the one who brought up the  problem, person A must now try to understand the other person's point of view.  And now the one whose has been asking questions, person B, says something  like this? Can I tell you my side of this problem? I've listened? I think I 

understand your side, I think you think that I understand your side? If not, we  should keep talking. But if, if you think that's true, can I now present my side of  this situation? And can you now be in the Listening role? So, for example, I  might say, you know, my spouse's brought up the problem, I've listened. And  now it's my turn. Okay, so with those examples I use before, this is what  someone might say, maybe I'm late. But it's because I feel like I'm the  responsible, I'm the one responsible to get everyone in everything ready. Or I  may not say appreciative words to you, but I tried to show you how I feel with my actions. Okay, so a person is giving their point of view the Person A as the now  the person a asked the same questions as Person B did before. So now Person  A is in the listening mode, and not in the defensive mode. And this can happen.  So Person A comes gives a problem, you know, I have this problem with you,  you're leaving messes. Now, I spend a half an hour listening and try to  understand my wife. And now it's my turn. Okay, let me explain why I leave  things around the house, why I'm a messy person. And now I start talking. And  now she doesn't like let's say what I'm saying. And she starts defending and  attacking me what what kind of reason is that? See, she has to listen, like I  listened. I listened for half an hour, without objection, without being defensive.  And now you have to do the same thing for me. So she, you know, my wife has  to now ask, okay, so what's the problem? Can you tell me more about it? So you mean this? Or why is this a problem for you? Or why is this important to you? Or why do you do what you do? How does my part in this make you feel? Can you  explain why you feel the way you feel? Okay, so, so if my wife was asking about  the, you know, the cleaning up thing, it's like, well, I was raised in a household.  You know, by the way, you know, I did this whole thing with my wife. And as I  listened to her talk, and you know, I asked, Well, why is this important to you?  Why is it Why is it so frustrating when I leave things around the house? Well,  she was raised in a household that every place everything was put in it's place.  Every every item was put in it's place. And there was a high value on that. There was a high value in the family that she grew up on, on neatness and order, not  accomplishment. Neatness and order are accomplishments in and of  themselves. And so, people were rewarded, people were appreciated when  things were kept in order, so that, you know, my wife is wired that way. If things  are you appreciate when things are in order. Now it's my turn to explain to my  wife why I'm the way I am. Well, I was raised in a totally different household. My  father was an entrepreneur, he started 20 different businesses, everything was  about accomplishment, not order. My dad left things all over the place. Because  he felt like, you know, I'm busy with this important thing, this accomplishment  thing, and cleaning up, you know, you know, it's not the important thing. Now,  whether that's good or bad, I don't know. But I'm just saying that's the household that I was raised in. And that's where I was appreciated when you were  accomplishing things. So I'm, you know, I'm busy accomplishing things. I've got 

papers all over the counter, because I'm writing a book, I'm putting a class  together. And I don't have time to put all these papers in order, because I'm on  the trail to making something happen. So that's how I think, now my wife has to  spend time listening to me, and trying to understand she might not like it, she  may not agree with how I am. But at least she can spend time trying to  understand where I'm coming from. And then finally, here's what I understand  from your point of view. So she has to reflect back. You know, she has to be able to convince me that she truly understands where I'm coming from now. And then finally, she can ask, so what do you need from me? So if I've asked her, What  do you need for me? And she said, I want you to close the doors, I want you to  clean up, I want you to take care of these things. And now I'm saying what do I  need from her? Well, I might say something like, well, I need you to understand  that all my energy goes into the project. And then when I'm done with the  project, I'm just wasted. I'm done. I don't, I don't have any energy to clean this  thing up. So so my wife would say, Well, what do you want from me? Well, could you help me sometimes I struggle with that, that part of it. Because that's not  how I was raised. So you know, we need to now figure out a compromise. And  that's step four. Now that both of you have truly listened to each other, and each  one feels understood, you can try to figure out a compromise solution that will  meet both your needs. So you're both raised totally different. You have different  styles, different ways of attacking things. Now, how are we going to go forward?  We're different people raised different ways. What are we going to do? We can't  undo our past? So how are we going to come up with a compromise? But see,  it's easier to come up with a solution? Once there's understanding. All right, so  this is this is a sort of a teaching thing that you're doing with, with the couple that wants to get married. And we had some of the stuff we did in the prior session.  And now we're coming back to some of those questions. So you do these  things, you teach the couple, there were some things that that they did on their  own, and now they're coming together? And these are the questions you might  deal with. It's all in your book. Number one, how would you describe your  speaking, listening and conflict management styles, yourself and that of your  spouse? And then, you know, they're doing this separately, I remember we  talked about the management styles, the Eskimos style, and the conflict styles  and the cowboy style and the lawyer style of conflict management. And those  boxes that you can check. Well, now you're having the man do that on his own  and the woman do that as on their own? And eventually they'll do it together.  Number two, the habitual communication times? What habitual communication  times do you have with your spouse? So you know, one of the what are? What  are the habits that you have of connecting with one another? Number three,  what are some of the good ideas for habitual times for talking and listening with  your spouse? So you had to do they did these things on their own? And how  might prayer? How might prayer together help in conflict resolution? So these 

are some of the questions that they're going to answer on their own. And then  they will come together and share their answers with each other and discuss it.  So how did each of you describe each one speaking listening in conflict  management styles? Did you agree, as you evaluated your potential spouse, did you get it right? Did they agree with your assessment of them? Do they agree  with your assessment of yourself? So there's a lot to talk about? Okay. You want to spend the time and talk about these differences? Because you can evaluate  yourself and think one thing, and you can evaluate the other person but will the  other person see these things the same way? And what if they don't? See now  we have something that we can talk about? What habitual communication times  do you have together? How can you so they they answered those separately.  And now they're just discussing them together. What well worn bunny trails. At  least in the United States, we call arguments that don't go anywhere a bunny  trail bunny trails go all over the place, out there in nature, arguments that never  get anywhere arguments that you keep having over and over and over again,  and you never solve them. So you keep coming back to them. What? Well, worn bunny trails Do you often go down together? Let's identify some of those things  that you're already experiencing in relationship. And then you encourage the  couple to go home and try the pretzels. Okay, try it. Or you might try it right in  your office. It's amazing. You do this training, I've done this over and over again,  I tell the couple how to do it. You got to listen, listen, listen, listen. And then, you  know, seek to understand before being understood, and then it's your time to tell your side and they have to listen. And so then I explain all that I spend a half an  hour explaining all that, then I say okay, let's, let's take an example. So one of  you has a problem with the other, what is it? So then they state the problem.  And right away, the person gets defensive, the other person starts defending  and they they get into a tennis match. They said, What did we just learn? You  supposed to ask questions like tell me more about it? How do you feel about it?  How How, how much do what I do or don't do? How does that affect you? How  does it hurt you. And so you really need to practice you can teach this. But  unless you go over specific issues with a couple, they will not get it. All right.  Finally, the closing prayer together. Future husband, again, it's all written out is  getting the couple used to praying with each other. The future husband starts out I thank You, Lord, that You made my future wife different from me, helped me to  appreciate those differences. The future wife responds, I thank You, Lord, that  You made my future husband different from me helped me appreciate those  differences. Future husband, I appreciate and then have you make a list. As you  know, right there, sit down and make a list of the things that he appreciates  future wife. I appreciate. Make a list. Future husband help me to truly listen to  my future wife, especially when I don't understand her future wife help me to  truly listen to my future husband, especially when I don't understand him. Future husband, forgive me, you know, to God and to the future wife are often taking 

you for granted. And not always recognizing the gift of God that you are to me.  Future wife, forgive me. And this is directed towards God and the husband,  future husband for often taking you for granted. And now not always recognizing the gift of God that you are to me. And then they say these words together, help  us Lord to spend time as a couple talking and listening together with you. In our  Bible reading and prayer together in Jesus name we pray, amen. And often with  a prayer like this, you might have a couple in tears. Because, you know, they're  finally listening to one another, they're finally appreciating the other person and  people. People need to feel appreciated. Okay. So if you're doing this whole  topic of verbally, the verbal connection, if you're doing this in a small group or in  a retreat setting, here, the group questions. What is one thing regarding  communication that the ladies would like to share with the whole group? What is one thing regarding communication that the men would like to share with the  whole group? Number three, what is one thing regarding communication that  any couple would like to share with the whole group? So if you're doing it in a  group setting, this is a good time for couples to share a little bit of brainstorming  what are some ideas to improve couples communication time and that's a really  good thing to do in the group setting. All right, we'll continue next time.