Video Transcript: Physically Connected

All right, welcome. Again, my name is Steve Elzinga. This is the coaching, pre  marriage badge, coaching class. And we've been looking at the seven  connections, that most married couples have things that we should really go  over before the wedding before the marriage. And the last of the seven that I  want to deal with is how couples are physically connected, physically connected. Genesis 1:26, then God said, Let us make mankind in our image in our likeness, God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God, who created them  male and female, He created them. So this male and female thing is part of the  created order. It's how, in part how we reflect the very image of God. And then  Genesis 2:24, a man leaves his father and mother, and he's united with his wife,  and they become one flesh. And one flesh is a figurative thing. But it's also a  literal thing. Referring to the sexual oneness, but also spiritual oneness. It's, it's  how we reflect the Trinity, the triune, God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the  mystery of that connection, is now reflected in the mystery of a man and the  woman sharing a life together and being so close, that their considered one. And that that sort of, is exhibited in a physical way, by that a strong sexual  connection. So husband and wife, they want to get married. And that's part of  what marriage is all about. Now, hopefully, the couple has not engaged in sexual intercourse before they got married. And maybe they have, and so you may  have to deal with that. But the Bible teaches that that is reserved for married  couples, that it's that that the physical part is an open door, only after the  commitment. And that's what the wedding is all about. And we'll be talking about  the wedding vows in the next session. So in terms of thinking about the physical  connection between the man and the woman, there's certain areas that we can  reflect on number one, there's the culture that we live in, there's a clash between the Victorian age and the current, if it feels good. And consenting adults are  okay with it, do it age. Okay, so we have the Victorian age, which was, you  know, hundreds of years ago, where, where people are very shy about sex,  physical connections, it wasn't talked about, people wear a lot of clothes. You  know, some women even were raised that it's, it's, it's not even good, it's one of  those necessary evil kinds of things. I mean, that that was the Victorian age. And then now we have our present day, where movies, everything is explicit. And sex has become just a recreational activity. And some people like to run, they like to  ski they like to bike and you know, sex is one of those recreational activities. And as two adults, consenting and they just want to go have fun. You can take  certain drugs, so you don't get pregnant, and so on. There's ways of preventing  that. So, you know, it's taken all the meaning out of it. So, in what way? Is the  couple that wants to get married? The couple that you're coaching, in what way  ways have they been affected by these different views that have surrounded  them? How is either age affected? The relationship is sex something like, it's a  dirty thing. And it's, it's, you know, Christian sometimes can give that, that, that  thought that it's fraught with all kinds of danger, and it's a negative thing? Or is it 

a positive thing? Or is it a free for all thing? Or, you know, in what ways do they  struggle with the culture around them? Number two, looking at a person's  Christian background, the church affects our views of sexuality, by what it says  and by what it doesn't say. What was your perception of what the church had to  say about sex, sex and marriage? So in growing up in the church, for myself,  sex was kind of a negative thing. It was, you know, it was it was always part of a  warning. Hey, be careful of this. You could get hurt. This is, you know, is almost  like this is a bad thing. That's that was the impression I got in the church that I  grew up in. Then there's the background of parents. So again, you're helping  them, you're helping your couple that wants to get married, think about this  whole physical arena. First of all, you know, what, how was the culture affected  them? Secondly, how has the church view? I mean, what, what did they get out  of their church experience with regard to this subject. And then number three  parents, two plus two plus two is six. See, that's what a marriage is. A marriage  is not one plus one is two. A marriage is two plus two plus two is six. Because  there's her parents, there's his parents. And then you're the new couple that six  people involved in this marriage. And all the prior things that you saw with your  parents, and what she saw with her parents, these are going to these things are  going to affect your view of the physical relationship between the man and the  woman. So here's some questions. How demonstrative affectionate Were your  parents? While you were growing up? Did your parents hold hands? Do you  ever see them kiss? Were they affectionately physically in love one another  open? Could you see any evidence of that? Or how is their relationship affected  you in your relationship to to your spouse or your potential spouse? How is that  affected you? Okay, number four. Okay, another area to think about is the, the  effects of the culture around you in terms of your view of this physical  connection between a husband and a wife, your friends, your friends have an  influence. So his friends, her friends, many of us learn more about sex from our  friends than from any other source, why are friends, not the best source of sex  education. So now we're going to talk about the friends influence, you know, her  friends and the influence they've had his friends and the influence that they've  had. And number five, the internet, the internet is free. It's available 24/7, 365.  And one can access any and every picture and or video of any sexual  philosophy that exists on the planet in a moment's notice. Why is this potentially  destructive for a marriage relationship? Okay, let's talk in general about that.  And then let's talk about, you know, the couple has this already been an effect,  you know, the whole issue of pornography, especially among men, even married men, even Christian married men, as a huge impact on marriage. And it has a  huge impact on the physical relationship that a couple may or may not have. All  right, then, what you want to do is get the couples to read and so on this, the  secret, the secret desires and fears of a man and a woman in love. And this is  really just the Book of Song of Songs. So in this book is The Song of Songs and 

places to write things and underline things. But you want to have the couple  read The Song of Songs together, as you read, underline anything that relates to these topics. So they are going to read this, but their supposed to underline and  make notes of these topics. So for the woman, for example, the typical man is  visual. Okay, that's, for example, a typical man is this. So she's going to be  reading in The Song of Songs, and then she's going to come across, for  example, chapter 2:14, my dove is hiding behind the rocks behind an outcrop on the cliff, let me see your face. Let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant Your face is lovely. Okay, so this is the man talking. Okay. And, and, and then so the point is a man is visual, he wants to see his spouse. So what we're trying to  do as, as potential husband or wife, go through the Song of Songs, if they're  going to be out underlining things that relate to you know, what a man is, what a  man fears what he wants, and then and then the man is going to be looking and  and underlining things that the woman fears and the woman wants and the what the woman is. Okay, so these are just examples. So typical man wants sex. For  example, Song of Songs 4:10. Your love delights me my treasure my bride Your  love is better than wine. Your perfume moer fragran than spices. A man is  motivated by this. A typical man fears competition. Song of Songs 8:13 O my  darling, lingering in the gardens, your companions are fortunate to hear your  voice. Let me hear it too. So men are competitive. They, they, they want this  woman exclusively for themselves. Okay for the man the man is now you know,  looking through the Song of Songs. And he'll find for example, Song of Songs  1:6, Don't stare at me because I am dark. The sun has darkened my skin, okay,  this is the woman talking. So the man as he reads this goes, Ah, this is what  women are like. Okay, so he puts down a typical woman, sometimes self  conscious about her looks. That's what he's getting out of the Song of Songs. Or he comes across Song of Songs 1:6, his left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. So he may conclude a typical woman wants to be held. So  you see, you get what we're trying to do. We're trying to have each one go  through the Song of Songs, and then sort of analyze the Song of Songs and  pick out those parts that you know, say this is what a woman is. This is what a  woman fears, this is what a woman wants. Okay. And then the woman is going  through and doing the same thing. This is what a man is. This is what a man  fears. This is what a man wants. So for example, here's another one Song of  Songs 2:17 Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, return to  me, my love, like a gazelle or a young stag, on the rugged mountains. The  typical woman fears being abandoned. Okay. So the man is reading this, he  comes across this verse, and he goes, Oh, I see women. This is what they fear.  So he writes it down. Okay, so this is what, you know, this is what this book now  it looks like, this is what you'll find there. You know, the marriage book. So men  find answers for your woman. So a typical woman is now the man goes through  the Song of Songs. And he writes down every verse that he thinks, says 

something about what a typical woman is like. Then, a typical woman wants  what does she want? she wants comfort, she wants love. She wants to be  caressed. She wants, you know, what's in there, what's in the Song of Songs.  And he's so he's trying to figure out these answers from the Song of Songs. The  typical woman fears, so he goes through again, he writes down those verses.  Okay, then the woman finds answers for the man. The typical man is okay, what  is he he's competitive, he's jealous, he's passionate, he's, you know, he's strong  he he wants to appear to be strong. He you know, all the things that that that  she can find in the Song of Songs related to this. Or the typical man wants, what does he want? You can find all kinds of things in the Song of Songs. Typical man fears. Okay, so the woman's going through the Song of Songs trying to figure  out what a man is and wants and fears. And then the woman is doing the same  thing to figure out for the man then they come together the man shares, the men share their findings if it's a group all the men do it or if it's just a couple the man  shares what he has found. Here's what I found. The woman shares what she  has found. And then question three you What do you think was God's purpose  or purposes in creating the physical dimension to marriage? So now they  discuss these things. And oh, the you know, I've done this several times in  retreats and it works really well. Because it just brings out all kinds of the  differences and and the issues that are going on between the man and the  woman and their physical connection. Okay, and then we have a closing prayer  future husband, wife, hold hands and all pray together future husband, Dear  God, I'm so blessed for the most beautiful part of your creation. My fiancee,  Marie, okay. future wife Dear God, I'm so blessed with the most outstanding part of your creation. My fiancee, future husband, I thank you specifically list all the  ways that she's beautiful to you. Okay, so the husband is she's in her face or  hair, her body, her knees, you know her toes. future wife, I thank you specifically  now she lists. These are the these are the kinds of things that they find in the  book of the Song of Songs. Both we thank you for the physical gift of pleasure  that we each receive when we serve the needs of the other husband helped me  seek out my wife's pleasure before my own wife helped me seek out my  husband's pleasure before my own Okay future husband help me to love my  fiance as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for it. future wife helped  me Lord to give respect to my fiance as the Church gives respects to Christ both in the name of Jesus we pray, amen. Okay, there's supplemental material at the  end of this. Okay, so we just went over the basics of the physical connection.  But there's several short Bible studies for couples at the back. There's answers  to quiz question. There's, there's the issue of couples living together. Okay, I've  had couples, they come in, they want to get married, and they're already living  together, they're already having sex. So what am I going to do? What am I going to do? So I have a whole little study that you get, you get the couple to read  something that Paul said, about, you know, when you lie with a prostitute, you're

one with her. So in other words, when you have sex with someone, you're  already married to them. So we have an issue of you're already married. So  what do we want to do here? And I have some possible solutions in there. So  you might, you might need to go to that material. If that's the case, or if a couple  has already had sex together, what do we do, we can stop having sex until the  wedding, we can repent, we can start all over, we can get married next week.  And in my office, I mean, there's, there's options of things that you can do.  There's supplemental material of men and women and the sexual difference  between men and women, there's, there's just biological differences between  men and women. And so taking some time to go over those biological  differences, you know, men, men are more visual, they, they they respond to  what they see. And women are, in general, more. They need to be they need  more security, and more of a sense of a relationship. It's, it's not what you look  like, it's, you know, have we talked this past week? Have we connected? are we  sharing anything together? And so, it's good for the man and the woman to not  only understand themselves, but also understand how different that they are in  terms of their physical sexuality. So, you know, rather than assuming that  someone is like you were, you were totally different people. So going over some  of that material so that they can sort of, you know, go in with their eyes open.  Alright, so that's the end of the seven connections. Next time, we're going to  shift our focus now towards the wedding ceremony.