Video Transcript: Six Month Check Up and Marriage Questions

All right, again, welcome. This is the last session in this class on pre-marital coaching. And it's maybe the most important thing that you can do. For many  years, I didn't do this. And I probably lost a lot of opportunity to do some real ministry by not doing it. And that's the follow up. As is true in most of life, you  can try to teach people things, and warn people of things and try to prepare  people for things. But often people don't get what you're talking about until they  go through experiences, till they experience things themselves, good or bad.  And then they're all ears. Now they're open to learn. So, you know, you met with them before the wedding, you tried to prepare them to show them. But now  they're married. Okay, so now they have some real experiences. And so you can deal with them at a whole different level. So I'm going to suggest a couple of  follow ups. The first is the after honeymoon checkup. And that might be a week  or two or three weeks or a month after they get back from their honeymoon,  honeymoon. So they've been married now for, you know, several weeks, maybe  a month or more. And now you're sitting down with them and saying, Well, how's it going? And here's some possible questions that can help you think about that  with them. What three things did you enjoy most about your honeymoon? Okay,  the food was great. Just getting away was great. Listen to whatever it is, they  have to say, what what, what three things might be what things didn't go well as  you planned? It might be a logistics thing. Or it might be you know, well he  snores. I didn't know that, you know, the first couple of nights I didn't sleep at all. So you know, what went wrong? And how did you react? Okay. Did Did it cause  friction between the two of you? Did you know you had this problem or this  conflict? And so one acted like an Eskimo and went and give the silent  treatment. The other one was a lawyer kind of, you know, let's solve this right  now. You know, what kinds of how did? How did it all go? Number three? What,  if anything, did you learn about the other person since the wedding? Okay, you  dated this person, and you got to know this person in the dating context. But  now you've been married? You've been living together for several weeks now.  What did you learn? What did you learn good or bad about this other person?  And number four, what are some of the new challenges that you discovered now that you're living together? Again? And there always are? Let them let the couple know, look, this is the way to always goes. You don't know what a thing is, until  you get into it. You stepped into this marriage by faith. You didn't know how it  would turn out. Just like you become a Christian by faith. You don't know how  your life is going to go? You're doing it in faith? Well, you do marriage by faith,  too. So what's the new reality? Now? What's the new challenges? Now?  Intimacy questions, now that the couple is married, you can ask things that  probably would have been inappropriate before. Things that are really important. Okay. Number one, you know, these are almost embarrassing, a little bit, but  but, you know, power through and just ask these questions. They may be  embarrassed at first to talk about them. But after a few questions, they'll warm 

up to it and they'll be no problem. Number one, after you have sex, how do you  feel about your relationship? Number two, what do you really like during  foreplay? Now, they may be embarrassed to talk about that in front of you. But  the reality is, they might be embarrassed to talk about that in front of each other. So you might, you might give them this question these questions and they can  write it down first. And then you can have them share just the two of them. And  then you can come in the room and then ask these questions depending on how open the couple is. Three, what do I do during sex that you really enjoy? Four.  What does it mean to you when I climax? Okay, these are very personal  questions. These are the kinds of questions that husbands or wives can be  married for many years and never ask. So nothing ever changes. They never  really truly understand the other person's experience. Number five, is there  anything specific you want us to try sexually? Number six? Do you think we're  setting a healthy biblical foundation for physical intimacy within the context of  marriage for our children? Seven, how can I show you I'm sexually attracted to  you? What message do you need? What? What? What signs do you need from  me? What could we do to improve our sexual intimacy? Number nine? How do I  say I'm not in the mood without it coming off like I'm rejecting you? Okay, so  that's an issue for a lot of couples. Number 10. Very good question. How do we  put more fun into our physical connection? Number 11. How often would you like to have sex in people are not the same husbands and wives are not that they're  not the same person, they don't have the same needs. And so there's  sometimes slowly tension builds up with with just this issue right here. And it's,  it's something that can be solved this if husband or wife would just sit down and  talk about it. Let's talk about who we are, how we're made, what we want, what  we don't want, let's not be afraid of this discussion. Okay, so that's some of the  questions you can ask, right after about six months later, like a lot, a lot, a lot of  people have the honeymoon glow, and that, you know, we just got married,  we're just learning things. Everything's exciting, Everything's new. And that's  gonna last for a while. But after six months, you start developing, you know,  more of a Marriage Marriage routine. So that's a perfect time to meet again, with the couple to sort of reflect back on all the things they learned before they got  married. And now let's talk about how things have really worked out. Number  one, remember, we looked at how we are connected permanently. Okay, so  what have you done in the first six months of your marriage that has helped you  stay connected to Christ? He's the foundation of our permanent connection.  Number two, we talked about how we are connected playfully, what common  interests have you shared with each other in your new life together? Okay, what  What things have you tried to do together? How's it going? Number two, what  possible shared interests? Can you pursue going forward? We are connected  socially. Okay, questions. Each of you have your own friends. How's that going?  You had friends before you got married? How are those friendships now? Six 

months later? Have you developed good friendships that you can have  together? How might you pursue new friendships that you can share with one  another? So how's it gone? What can we do going forward? See, notice if you're in the in the coaching class, you know, if you're interested in being certified as a  life, coach, Minister, notice how all these questions are, you know, I'm putting it  on you. I'm not telling you what you should do. I'm just asking the questions that  help you focus on your own life and your own solutions. We're connected  verbally. All right. What what? Well, in terms of communication, where do you  struggle? Okay, a lot of couples will find that they struggle in certain areas with  communication. Why? Because dating is different than marriage, or marriage is  every day. And so new, different things start happening. And and you know,  people are different once they're married, you know, especially for Guys, guys,  typically, before they're married are very, you know, guys are usually very  focused. They're driven by particular goals. And before they're married, they  have the goal of getting married, getting connected, finding a spouse, and they  work really hard at that. But once the wedding ceremony is over, they're done  with that. You know, that's done. Now. They're under the next goal, I got to make a living, I got to make a name for myself. And a lot of times, wives, they're like,  Well, hold on what happened. I married this guy who was attentive to me, who  brought me gifts. Listen to me, like to walk with me, and all of a sudden, I get  this guy who likes to work. What happened? And so a lot of things can change  once a couple is married, so Okay, well, what are these struggles? How do we  talk about these things? Number three, is there a particular issue that is of  concern, okay. Something where, you know, someone's really struggling, you  know, did I marry the right person? You know, so this might be a time where the  coach suggests, well, maybe we should try that pretzel thing. Remember where  I listened to you for long enough to understand where you're at? And then you  listen to me long enough to understand where I'm at and then we try How to,  you know, compromise to figure out how we're going to solve this thing? Let's  actually do that. So as a coach, now I'm happy, I'm coaching them through this  communication issue that has developed in their marriage. Okay, number five,  we looked at how we are connected purposefully. Right? And there are different  areas. How's it gone? How? How has it gone? Well, in terms of your relationship to each one's family, okay, a lot of times it's family issues. Okay? You know,  you're married. And it's like, all I care about is you, I'm marrying you and not the  family. Okay? You think that at the time that you're dating, but once you get  married, you'll discover that you're actually married to that person's family, and  she is married to your family? And there's complexity in that? It can go well, it  can not go well, parts of it can go well, parts of it not. So what's going well, what  is not going well? What do we need to address? How is the coach? Can I help  you think and deal with these things? Where has there been areas of tension?  How is your marriage relationship been used by God to make a difference in the 

lives of others? So that was that second area of purpose, you know, purpose in  God's kingdom? How have you together been able? You know, you found your  purpose in terms of Kingdom ministry? What have you done together? What  could you do together? How's the balance of work gone? Relationship, building  a relationship together requires time, but work requires time making money  requires time? How is that gone? How's the budgeting of money thing gone?  Let's look at the money situation. You see, you delve into that, and maybe it's a  problem, maybe someone's spending all the money or, or no one knows where  the money is going. Or people aren't sticking with the budget, or they don't even  have a budget. So this is an opportunity to sort of deal with, they now have six  months of practice, they have six months of a track record that you can now look at and go okay, how's that gone? And what changes do we need to make? How  can I help you manage your money better, and this is, this is a problem for many couples, many couples will have a problem. And here you are six months  coming in, stepping in to try to help them before things get out of hand. Okay, we looked at how, as a couple of you are connected spiritually. So what do you do  with you're talking and listening? They are what is your devotional life?  Personally, what is your devotional life together? And here you can look at you  know, well, we did it and then we didn't do it. We haven't done it in a month.  What could you do? Yeah, how do we get back? How do we make these things  a habit? Maybe you tried to do something but you didn't, you didn't establish as  a as a habit. So you need to help a couple figure out how to do that. What's your connection to church, a lot of married couples sometimes sort of disengaged.  We don't know if we can keep going to the same church, or we found a new  place to live and now we need a new church and and couples can get kind of  lazy about it. A lot of Lifetime's Christian couples won't go to church until they  have their first child, then it's like, oh, yeah, I guess we gotta get our lives back  in order. So this is and that's a bad thing. You don't want that. You want a young  couple that gets married, you want them in church, because this the church  community that can support them, and help them succeed in this, this thing  that's hard to do. Marriage is a hard thing to do. You take two opposite people  put them together, it's not an easy thing to do. So how's your connection to  church? Let's figure out that together. Okay, how is God showed up in your  marriage? Okay, you've been married for six months? How was God there.  How's he showed up? What's your prayer life been? Like? What are the things  that you struggle with? And then God came in and rest? You want the help the  couple see that God is at the center of their marriage. And that, that when he's  at the center of their marriage, it makes a huge, beneficial difference. Number  five, where do you need God to show up in your marriage? Okay, what are you  struggling with right now, in your marriage, where you are asking God to show  up? Where should you be asking God to show up so now you're getting into, you know, something that you may have to now work on? See? So in some ways, 

doing the pre marriage counseling helps set you up as a marriage coach now.  Okay. Now, now we have issues of marriage, not issues of pre marriage, but  issues of marriage where I can now as a coach, now I'm your marriage coach, I  can help you. Go forward. Number seven. Now we're connected physically.  Okay. So what physical issues are there any questions or issues related to your  physical intimacy. Maybe some of those same questions that you asked at the  honeymoon and checkup are now more applicable because they have six  months of experience good, or things that are now frustrating. Number two, you  could have the couple do the intimacy questions, just said that. Alright. Here's  some general questions that you might ask, is there any area in your marriage  that is causing pressure problems or concerns? And these are like, if you took  the coaching class, you notice these are the coaching questions. I'm just  throwing a broad net out there, is there any area in your marriage that is causing pressure, or problems or concerns. So we put that on the table, and we do the  coaching thing, now. We look at it, we see why it's a problem. And then finally,  as a coach, I move them towards Okay, so what do you want to do about it?  Remember, you always want to goal, what do we want to do about? And then  what kind of plan do we want to make to do those things that you want to do  about it? And then finally, I want to try to help you manage that plan so that you  succeed in doing it. Number two, is there anything in your marriage where you  would like to take things to the next level? So that remember, that was a  coaching question, too. There's areas in your life where you have problems and  issues and things that are causing struggles that you want to do something  about. And then there's other issues in your life that not necessarily a problem,  or frustration, but it's an area where you would like to see things go to another  level. Okay, where in your marriage, would you like to take things to another  level. And now again, you do the coaching thing, just like from the coaching  class. So you're segueing yourself from, you know, a pre marriage kind of thing  into the more coaching thing that you learned if you took that class. So this is,  this is the end of the sort of the teaching class on the pre marriage, it's a one  credit class 12 sessions, trying to teach the coaching side of premarital helping  a couple that wants to get married. There's little bit of teaching that you do. And  there's a process through questions, you're helping people go through this  process, that's what you're doing as a coach. And this is sort of the, you know,  the knowledge part of this class. There's another class associated with this pre  marriage thing. And that's for those of you that want to be certified. Have the  certified badge, pre marriage coaching badge. You can just take the classes just like anything, it's Christian leaders Institute, all the classes are free, all the  knowledge is free. If you want to certify if you want to be certified, and there's  some fees and other assignments that we have you do and that's in those. So if  you if you want to pursue this certified class, this badge on pre marriage  coaching, then look for that. Otherwise, I thank you for being a part of this. And I 

hope this makes a difference. As you try to make a difference in the lives of  people that want to do this thing that we reflect the very image of God. This thing called getting married. Thanks for being with me.