Video Transcript: Real Life Example 5

So, we're going to be looking at part two, in this session. Part two is the  wedding, or at least some of the things. We're not going to be talking about the  centerpieces, or the flowers and things like that, we're going to look at four  things, the vows, the ceremony, the rehearsal and the reception. So let's start  with the vows. I have here probably the most traditional vows, at least here in  North America. And it's, you know, I, Steve Elzinga, take the Mareeba, to work to be my wedded wife to have to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse,  for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death,  do us part, according to God's holy ordinance in there, too, I pledge myself to  you. Maybe, maybe you've heard vows that are sort of like this, at least in  television, movies, and so on, they'll have these vows. There's sort of a basic  vows, maybe a few different versions of that. But I want to encourage you guys,  and you can do whatever you want. It's your wedding. You know, that's the thing  as a coach, you can be coaching a couple, and it's their wedding. It's not, it's not like a church service, where I'm the pastor and I have all these things that I want to do. I'm just the coach and I'm trying to help you plan, the best wedding that  you can have. And also, you know, in this whole process of pre marriage  coaching, I'm not telling you how to live your life, I'm not telling you how to do  your marriage, you notice most of the things were questions, things for you to  think about things for you to interact with, and for you to ultimately decide what  you want, not what I want, or not what I think you should have for your marriage. Now, obviously, in framing some of the questions, it helps lead down a certain  trail. But again, you're free to say whatever you want. So this is what I'm  suggesting. And let me give you some reasons why writing your own vows, I  think is the preferred way to go, at least from my point of view. First of all, it  helps the couples figure out what they really want to promise each other. You  could just take these vows here, that's like, Okay, that sounds good. Let's do it.  But then you've done no work in terms of what you really want to promise. Is this really, for? You haven't really done any hard thinking about it helps the couple  understand what marriage is all about. So in the process of trying to figure out  vows, yes, to go well, but in this, what are we actually doing? It's more  memorable. It's more likely that it will hold you accountable to something and  you know, I think I told you my story of the first people I married, I married them,  we use a vow like that. And then three years later, they want to divorce. And I  asked him, Well, what about your vows? Oh, those were just books. They didn't  really own them, because I gave them the vows. They were already  prepackaged. But when you write your own, it's like, okay, you want to go  against what you said, this is when are you wanting to backing on your own  word? Yeah, backing out of your own word. Now, what what stops people from  doing it are a few fears. Number one not good with the words. Because usually  when you hear vows, they're somewhat polished. They're not just two people. I  mean, you can make them up as you went. Okay, now it's vow time what do you

want to promise to love you like so most people are like a little intimidated  because someone you know, I promise to bring the very best out of you with all  the gifts that God has given you. By the power of the Holy Spirit. There's always  this it's well done. So now you're wondering Can we do that won't be as good as off the shelf vows and number four too busy with all the other plans? what that's  all about right? After another, it's just mind boggling how busy it all is, for one  little event.  

Unknown Speaker 4:26 So but okay, go to the next page. I want to show you  just how easy it really you know, I've done this with a lot of couples and and you  know, some of you out there may be wondering, is this possible to do with  someone I have worked with, with couples that you know, are not very  educated. Don't have writing background or speaking skills or anything and I  don't care who everyone has succeeded. Everyone has hit the ball out of the  park. And they ended up with vows that are really, really great. But okay, so how  do you how would you do that step one, have the bride and groom separately  brainstorm on paper, any thoughts about what they want to promise what  marriage means, how they love the other person, how they will support and help the other person, anything related to marriage at all. And this is like the key.  Because what people do when they sit down to write vows is they think they're  writing the finished product. So now it's a problem, how do I want to start this? I  Promise. And then everything you come up with is like inferior, it's not right, it's  not great. And the process of trying to make it the right thing gets in the way of  what you want to say. So if you just start with a blank piece of paper and do it  separately, because you want to think you know, your thoughts, your thinking  your thoughts, and you just go, Well, I want something about cherish. I've  always liked that word. I know it's old fashioned. But that's a word I like, you just  write one word, sentence with it. I want something about supporting, you know,  bringing out the best. It's like little phrases that you're thinking about, what do I  really want, you just write that phrase, or you just write a word, or you write a  thought. And this isn't a vow, because it's too wordy, and it has too much stuff in  it. But you're just trying to figure out the essence of it. What does marriage mean to you? You know, if you had to write three words, what would those three words be? So you're just writing anything and everything or something that you heard  someone else, say or anything, and you just fill the page with just random  thoughts about this. And you both do that without any thought as to making it a  vow. That's the key, don't start trying to write the vow or you'll get hung up with  the perfection thing. And then it will keep you from brainstorming, you know, all  the ideas you really have because it's in the brainstorming, you're going to come up with a word or a line that I like this one so you'll do that separately, then,  okay, then have bride and groom share what they wrote separately with each  other. So now you're looking at it. And now you can kind of, oh, you know, I have

the same thing, or I said it this way, or, Hey, we both had this or that was  interesting. And now you can you sort of have more to work with. And you know,  well, we for sure want to keep these things, because we have them. And by the  way, they don't have to be the exact same thing. Even have it the same thing  where I say these things, and then you say these things, but they don't have to  be, you can have something and you could have something. So then step three  is start making phrases out of what you like. Now, again, you don't have to worry about what you start with and what's next, or how are you going to end it just  want to get some phrases that you can like. And then finally it's like Okay, so  now how do we want to start? Where do we put what? And it's a whole lot easier to sort of rearrange stuff than the try to figure it out? Right from the very  beginning? That sounds like yes, so let me ask you should our vows and it  ended up being the same? No, I was just saying they can. We were doing it all  together? Well, you're trying to offing each other? And they don't have to be at  all? No, because but but you know, I suppose you could just write them totally  separate from each other. But you want to see what, you know, I'm promising  this to you. Does this make sense to you? Do you understand what I'm trying  right? It makes sense. To help each other, like IRI are really long and short you  will have all kinds of spiritual things and he forgot entirely. So it's, it's you're  going to help me indicate about you're helping each other out can be different  and and then even as a discussion, you know, what you think is different? What  do you think would be good, that we're saying something different? You know,  you can kind of help each other with that. I've seen it go both ways where you  have the exact same vow and where the one is, the guy has, you know, and I've  had it where people didn't even share it with each other. They just did it  separately. But I think coming together a little bit and getting on the same page.  And just It's just helpful to do it together because it's easy to forget something. I  wasn't even thinking so just make your vows great. So is that something you  think you could do? Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna give I'm giving giving you that as  an assignment. Let's go then. And assignment, work on it. So and you can you  know what's nice too is you work separately on it and write some things down.  And then if you wanted to, you could check with your sister or your mother or  your father or your brother or whatever, what do you think of this? Or what did  you have any thoughts? You can, you know, you can start looking at other you  can look up traditional vows. I mean, this isn't like, You're cheating in any way.  Right, right. But I think before you do all that you should sit with your own  thoughts. really wrestle with it, because this really is what this whole thing is, I  know you're busy with all the other stuff. But the reality is, what this is about, we  need to make time. And that's what people don't do, because they have, it's the  pressure of the urgent, so we got to decide on this cake, we're not going to have a cake. Right? So it's urgent, but it's not the most important thing, right?  Because the cake will be enough to and gone, these vows will be for our lifetime

together. And so wrestling with it a little bit, you know, like you wrestled with the  cake, and all these things, is worthwhile. Alright, ceremony, so what I'll do is I'll  just give you sort of the basic outline of most ceremonies, you know, things can  

be moved around and add and what have you, but just to give you a sense of  the logic, that your logic guy, and you can supply the emotion. But there's sort of a logical orders of things. So here's just the basic order to work off from the  number one, before the ceremony happens, you've got all the ushering in  people bringing people in and grandparents and parents, sometimes light  candles, and sometimes, there's different roles for different, you know, either you can a lot of times the girl usher in different people and the parents separately  and all these little things that you can do before the ceremony and there's 100  different things that you can do. And I don't care what you do for that. So the  serv, the ceremony really begins, at least from the guide, the officiant point of  view, is when you know, you come in, and you know, coming down the aisle,  whether people come down the aisle together, or the men come in separately,  those are all just whatever, you can make their own decisions about that. But it's when you're finally you know, I assume your father's gonna take you down the  aisle. Okay, so you're coming down the aisle, you're standing or is he, how's he  going? He's doing is he doing? Well, I think that so Mitch's dad was like  ordained in the past, I think he's doing okay, and then my dad's gonna switch out with him once he gives me away. All right. So yeah, you know, all those different  options. So he'll be asking that who gives this woman to this man, and then you  step forward, and it's, it's almost like a handoff. And that's, that's kind of a big  deal. Because, you know, it's been, this is my daughter, and I've been taking  care of her, and now I'm gonna give her to you. You know, that's a big, big thing  that happens. And now you come forward. The next part is sort of just, you  know, why are we here? Welcome. You know, this is the wedding. The officiant  is just talking in general about why we're here. And what's the purpose? What's  marriage all about? And somehow that has to lead to some kind of a  commitment, you know, that we're here to make a commitment, right? So then  that naturally leads into the, to the vows. So now you exchanged vows. Now, the next thing is like, okay, vows are made, and rings are just a symbolic expression of the Vows you just made. So the next thing is, is rings, because that's just the  symbolic expression of the vows. Okay, we've done the vows. We've done the  rings, what else is there to do? So we pronounce you husband and wife now  that you're officially husband or wife. Now what do we do? Well, we can  symbolically express that to people often do that, like with the candle, you know, there's two different candles and we light the middle one. And that's an  expression of what we just did. So the Vows are the promise and the rings sort  of illustrate what we just did. The pronouncement of marriage is the same, and  then the candle or some people mix sand or there's there's many different ways  of symbolically expressing that or sometimes you'll have a song or sometimes 

they'll have the candle and the song to the whole thing is to say what, what we  just did If you're married, it's been expressed with a song or you know, the  lighting of a candle. And now you come back to your original spot. And now we'll  what else is there todo? Well, it's okay. I'm the officiant. And now it's my time to  share a verse or something from the scripture to encourage this new couple.  And so a lot of times, when I'm doing it, I always ask the couples pick one, you  know, which was true for me. So then, now the officiant talks about that,  personally, to you to sort of apply it to the thing you just did, you're now married.  Okay, so then when he's done with that, it's nice then to have a prayer. Okay,  this is like your first prayer together. And there's many different ways of doing  that the officiant can do it, he can use it can be a participatory kind of thing, you  know, a lot of different ways you can end with the Lord's Prayer with everyone in the in the crowd, or participating, you can end with the song that's like a prayer,  you know, there's a lot of different ways of doing that. And then finally, again,  we've pretty much taken care of all the things now after the prayer, introducing  the couple for the very first time, the newly married couple, and that's a way to  go. So that's sort of the sort of, these are the pieces that are sort of necessary.  And then if you look over here, there's other optional elements, there's songs  that can be thrown in here, there and everywhere. There's readings, Bible  readings, poetry, a little testimony. I mean, there's really, you can add on parent  involvement in Ecuador, when my son got married, the parents, you know, so  my wife and I had to stand over our, our, my son's bride, and we had to pray  over her have a little prayer together, over when we stood behind her. And then  their family do the same thing with our son. So that was just a little thing that  they you know, they want to do the parent involvement thing. You can have a  video, you can have testimony, you can really, you know, people tend to do like  the same old stuff all the time. But really, it's you can do whatever you want to  do. I mean, sometimes they'll, you know, people will do the, the picture montage  thing, you know, to a song, you know, how will you know, your life growing up  and your life growing up? And then your life together growing up? Well, you  know, if the setting is okay, you did have like the three minute version of that?  Where are you telling a story of how you met, or whatever it can be, really, you  can do anything in your wedding ceremony. It's like, how do we make this thing? You know, something we will remember. And so that's really the goal. So you'll  have to work through that. And maybe you've done some of that already. So  number three, the rehearsal. I assume you're going to have a rehearsal. Yep.  You have people involved in your wedding. You know, the reality is if you didn't  have all those people in it, and I sit down and tell you about this, and you plan  up your vows, and we have the order, even if you didn't remember the order and had no idea. We could do this tomorrow without a rehearsal, it's like so easy,  because everything just flows logically from one thing to the next. And the  couple really doesn't have to know anything. I just go like this, that means you 

get to go light the candle, I go like this, you come back, you stand here, you hold hands. And now you give your vows. And I'm telling you what to do every step of the way. Now, let's have a prayer. I would like to share a word of Scripture with  you. I mean, will you turn around and let me introduce me, it's so simple. Okay,  but you have people involved, and most people feel really uncomfortable up in  front. Right? They're not used to that. They're not used to being on the stage. So everyone involved or a lot of the people involved are uptight, even though their  role is small, and they're not speaking. But people feel really uptight. And they  don't want to look embarrassed, and so you have to have a rehearsal to release. So the goal of the rehearsal really is to relieve all the tension and all the anxiety,  which is, you know, you've been working really hard towards this. I mean, even  for the two of you, you're working hard towards this as all these pieces. And by  the time the wedding ceremony comes along, you'll be wiped out. And that takes away from the joy of the whole thing, right? Because you're so stressed over  everything going right. So think of the rehearsal as the time look, you've already  done all the hard work. Everything is already in order. In the rehearsal part about getting people to stand in the right part place in on this, it's all going to be fine  it's going to be. So in other words, come in with a relaxed, we're going to enjoy  this, we're gonna have fun. Now in order to enjoy the rehearsal, number one,  pre plan everything, the order, who does what, who stands where, who says,  who's gonna say what, who's gonna sing? Yeah, every thing should be planned  to the minute detail written out because and I've seen this over and over again, if you don't plan all those things, someone else someone else is going to step in.  And, and it's usually not just one person. And that's usually the problem. So the  your aunt, and your best friend, the people who like to put things in order and  don't feel bad about stepping in and doing it, they will step in, if there's, there's a  crack of a question, or uncertainty about sure the guy should stand. You're into  inviting these people who want to bring order to chaos into the front, and, and  then they have a disagreement. And then now you're arguing about it. And I was like, Really, it doesn't matter. They could stand there. And it's neither here nor  there. So the more you have it, they know you're in charge, and they know that  you have it all figured out and it's not up for grabs. Then everything goes  smooth, and those people are happy and everyone's happy. So that would be  my only advice that you make sure, like you go to the venue, you figure it out,  you know, everyone's standing, you know when they're coming in and what  they're doing. And then it goes fine. So relieves the pressure, that part of that  having a good order is relieving the pressure. No one's arguing about stuff. No  one's fighting over anything. It's just let's just do this, go through it a couple  times. And feel comfortable. Easily goes fine. And then have fun. You know, the  hard work is done, done all the hard work. This is step one towards enjoying  your wedding. All right, then the Reception The reception, what's the purpose of  this is to make the occasion of the wedding memorable for the couple. And, and 

all who witnessed it for accountability in the marriage. So you're invited family  and friends. And they're, it's fun to have people that you know, but it's also good. You know, they now see you in a different light. Okay, you too, are now married.  That's how we need to think of you. And they help you stay that way. Right. So  to make it a good event for everybody. Yeah, remember Abby and Mitch's  wedding, you know, it's good. Because these are your support people, it's good  for you. For as a couple looking back to get that was a great thing is this is when our life together started, it was so meaningful, etc. So and, and then to reinforce  family and friend connections, the event itself helps you connect with your family and your friends. You know, it's doing things together, having fun together  laughing together, all those things. By the way, you met with a photographer.  And so one of the pictures that I wish we had from our wedding was like every  table. I wish I could see who was there. I don't remember who was there and  who wasn't anymore, right? Because I wasn't like, like every table was like, and  then to it's fun then to look back and go oh, look young, you just, that was an era time. He captured all those people at that time. And that becomes really  interesting. Rather than just seeing a bunch of pictures of yourself, okay, we've  been married for 30 years, and there's a bunch of pictures of ourselves. But it's  sometimes fun to see. Oh, look at you know, I haven't seen that. You know, I  wonder what happened to them. Alright, so how do you accomplish a good  reception? Well, the basics are food. I know, you looked into that. Fun, you  know, what's been able to do? And I, you know, what I see in weddings these  days is we've given up the reception to the DJs or I don't know if you'rer having  a DJ or whatever? I think so. But what happens is a lot of times the DJ takes  charge of the whole thing. And he has all the things that he thinks will be fun.  And he takes charge. And he goes we're gonna do this and we're gonna do that  and we're gonna do this and then we're going to do this. And we're going to do  that and you're at the Mercy, whatever he does, and they tend to just do the  same old things. And a lot of times they don't have the Christian point of view,  you know, how are we going to celebrate Christ in the middle of all this? So I  think giving some thought to okay, what fun can we do? What three of the  tables? Do? We have people do what what? What would be fun and fellowship,  what mixes people up. And then finally, faith. You know, what aspects of faith are going to be there, like everyone has to give you a verse, or give you their  favorite verse or verses that helps in their marriage or, you know, something little book that they write it? I don't know, if you Google, I think there was one site that I saw that I thought was pretty cool. I don't know if I have here. But it was 49  ways to spice up your reception. And but it was from a Christian perspective. So  it looked at even some of the ways that most married married, receptions go.  And they said, Well, you could do it this way. And then it puts more emphasis on  faith. So I think that's it. So ideas for the reception. So these are all homework,  things for you. And finally, a reception timeline. You know, what's going to 

happen first, what are we going to do, we're going to, we're going eat. We're  going to cut the cake. We're going to do all these things. But I would suggest  that you sit down and figure out some of these things before you kind of sit with  the DJ, don't let him take it. Don't take it don't have him take you know, take over that whole thing. Because this is your reception. It's not his reception, and you  have certain goals and things you want to accomplish. And then he then you  meet with them. And it's like, okay, you're the servant of us. We're hiring you to  help us. Not the other way around. I think that would be good. All right. So that's, that's what we have. So a lot of this is stuff that you have to give the couple and  they have to do some of the work. Now you know if we had time, you know,  sometimes I've done the vow thing right with a couple there. You see here's a  piece of paper. There's a piece of paper, right? Take 15 minutes and then they  sit down and sometimes it's necessary because couples still are a little hesitant.  Finally write them Yeah, and they just do it right. These don't get around to it. So I'm, I'm trusting you two a lot. That we will do it. You will do it but we will come  back and talk about some of these things. So I guess you have to do it. Yeah,  we have. Alright, thanks for being with us.