Transcript: The Two Fires of Conflict and Parenting

In this lecture, we're going to talk about PeaceSmart Parenting.  You know, conflict is part of all our relationships, but marriage and family relationships have their own particular place for conflict. 

Wildfire accelerants are often prominent in these types of conflicts because of the intimate nature of the relationships, and the number of offenses that occur in a family setting or a marriage setting. 

So as we proceed to talk about parenting conflicts, remember also that in marriage conflicts, when we see a Wildfire accelerant being applied, and that might be pride, anger, revenge, lying, and any of the other Wildfire accelerants that we covered in a previous session, recognize those who are coming from the flesh and go to the Peacefire, ask the Lord, what is He is doing? What is He at work doing, what's been exposed?  And ask Him to show you how to navigate through that conflict in that situation in a manner that glorifies Him and it pleases Him, and that accomplishes his purpose and his desire. 

So parenting conflict is no different from any other type of conflict.  The Lord is always at work.  Correction is the path of life.  And giving thanks in all circumstances, will keep us focused on the Peacefire. 

Most parent-child conflicts represent discipleship opportunities, especially in early years. Some parents take a hands-off approach to discipling their children. 

When my children were growing up, I have four children, and when my two oldest boys were young, and playing baseball in little league, we had a gathering at a family's house and I was listening into a conversation where parents were talking about how they were raising their children in relationship to the church. 

And all four couples seated at the table said that they were going to let their children decide how they wanted to and whether they wanted to know and follow the Lord.  Other than just taking them to church, they were doing nothing intentionally at home to raise them in the ways of the Lord.  Nothing intentional to disciple them. 

The Lord instructs parents, to raise their children to teach them his ways. And he puts that responsibility on parents. 

In Deuteronomy 6:4-7, “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one the Lord, Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your strength, these commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts, impress them on your children, talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.”  

Discipling our children, it's an all-day exercise, an all-day opportunity, and it's not that we are to be keeping their nose in the Bible 24 hours a day, but in the rough and tumble of life, in the teaching opportunities that present themselves, we’re to be discipling them; teaching them the ways of the Lord; identifying for them where the Lord is at work; identifying for them what the Lord is doing what the Lord's will is for them in their life; teaching them to develop a relationship of relentless reliance on Jesus Christ; teaching them to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit; teaching them how to pray; teaching them how to study the Bible; teaching them how the teachings of Scripture apply in every area of life.

These are the opportunities and the privileges of a parent.  Discipleship is a parent's responsibility. Not the Sunday school teacher, not the youth pastor, not their friends at school. And the parents’ blessing, the parents’ privilege in raising their children is to keep them on that path. To help them when they fall off the path into the ditch, tell them where the ditches are, and when they fall in the ditch to bless them, help them get out of those ditches and move on and knowing the Lord and make those opportunities even times and growth; times of opportunity to disciple. 

The parent-child relationship is an authority based relationship. 

The parents have authority over the child until the child reaches maturity age.  Because it's an authority relationship; it’s a power relationship.  Authority is a is a very powerful thing.  And it is not the power to control or to dictate.  Authority is a delegated power and it is a power to serve.

All authority comes from God and parental authority is no different.  The Lord has given parents authority to raise their children, to serve their children by raising them in the ways of the Lord. 

For now, recognize that authority is not given to control or dictate, we're going to talk about authority and in a future session on organizational conflict. Because the family dynamic, recognize that your power and your authority as a parent is intended to be a blessing to your children, not a curse.  And when discipling children and when disciplining children is necessary, it's often easy to let that authority become the authority to control the authority of power, and that authority to provoke our children to anger when disciplining them.

In Ephesians 6:1-4, we read, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this as right.  Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the Earth.  Fathers do not exasperate your children.  Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” 

The balance of disciplining, correcting our children without falling into a Wildfire accelerant is a challenging task for parent.  Children can be frustrating.  Raising them, teaching them in the ways of the Lord can be a challenge.  Just life in general can be a challenge when you're raising teenagers.  But in every season of life, of raising your children recognize again, the Lord is always at work.  And when those conflicts arise with between you and your children, you have a tremendous teaching opportunity to develop PeaceSmart relationships with them.  To teach them everything you've learned so far in this course, that when a conflict occurs, recognize that the Lord's at work. 

When a conflict Wildfire ignites, go to the Peacefire.  Seek the Lord's purpose.  Let Him change your priorities.  A child is not going to naturally seek the Lord.  The child is naturally going to pursue self-interest.  And it's the parent’s opportunity to teach them about the ways of the Lord to teach them that the Lord's priorities bring blessings, pursuing the Lord's purpose, pursuing the Lord's power to resolve conflict, and that the Lord's peace is available even in the midst of conflicts that they can't immediately resolve. 

Think about how different your life would be if you were walking in PeaceSmart Relationships for the last 20 years.  Think about what your life would look like if all the conflicts you encountered had been taken to the Peacefire, and you had sought the Lord's counsel and He had given you the grace to take all the things that were exposed in those conflicts and bring them before Him and let Him change you for those last 20 years. 

While you may not be able to go back and relive those 20 years, but for your children, those 20 years are still ahead of them.  And you have the opportunity as a Christian Leader, as a parent.  And as a Christian Leader, if you're a Christian leader in ministry, who works with other parents, and you can equip them to train their children about the dynamics of conflict, the dynamics of offense, to discern the difference between a Wildfire accelerant in the Peacefire accelerant of love, to recognize that we're called to love the Lord first, not the person in that we're in conflict with. That we are to serve the Lord first and out of that relationship that love flows to that other person, and that there's power available to us to stand in the midst of conflict, to see the Lord change us and to see the Lord use us as his instrument of blessing. 

When you raise a child like that, the Lord is going to use them. The Lord’s going to reveal Himself to them, and of all the conflicts that you have with them and all the edges that are being smoothed over, everything that's being exposed, everything you have an opportunity to take before the Lord, you can trust Lord's at work.  And as frustrating as it might be, as challenging, as heartbreaking as it might be, when you have a prodigal child who leaves, who doesn't follow the ways of the Lord that you've raised them up in, you can remain at the Peacefire, you can remain in the firebreak. Listen to the voice of the Lord, show you how to love them.  He'll instruct you in the ways that you should go. And in the process of waiting for that prodigal to return, the Lord will be changing you as well and preparing you for their return.  And as you trust Him for their return, may He show Himself faithful to you.

One of the temptations in parenting is to give instruction but not give understanding. Because of the dynamics of the home, dynamics of the parent-child relationship, we're often tempted to give instruction, tell the child what to do, without telling them why they should do it.  

The Word of God tells us in Proverbs 4:5-7, “Get wisdom, get understanding, do not forget my words or turn away from them… The beginning of wisdom is this:  Get wisdom.  Though it costs all you have, get understanding.”

It's one thing to tell a child that they should not give into Wildfire accelerants and not resolve conflict through lying or revenge, but until we explain to them why that's important, and why responding at the Peacefire pleases the Lord and responding with revenge or lying doesn't, they'll have no understanding. 

So in every parenting opportunity that we have, may the Lord grant us the grace not just to give good instruction but to give our children understanding of his ways that they might walk in them.

I just want to close this session by praying for you. Maybe you're a parent, maybe you're a - well, you definitely are a son or a daughter – and maybe you're a leader who works with parents.  Let me pray for you in these relationships where conflict often occurs. That the Lord will bless you and use you. 

Father, I thank you for my brothers and sisters who are watching this lecture.  I pray that you would give them wisdom and understanding concerning the relationships they have with their parents, with their children.  And by Your grace, Father, grant them the wisdom and the understanding to navigate those relationships and to navigate those conflicts by bringing them to you, by seeking you, and that you will lead them and guide them in the way that they should go that in those relationships that they will be a light of blessing to their parents, a light of blessing to their children, and that you will use them to glorify Jesus Christ, and that you will bless these relationships and for those parents, Father, who have prodigals, that you will give them the patience to wait and for those prodigals that you will continue to call them back to a relationship with you. And that you will give them a heart to know you and give them ears to hear that you will send one of your friends across their path to rescue them and bring them back where they belong. 

Father, we love you. We thank you for Jesus Christ.  In his name we pray, amen. 

God bless you. We'll see you next time.