Video Transcript: The Relationship Engine of Conflict

Welcome to this session of PeaceSmart Relationships in organizations.  In this session we're going to talk about the third engine of relationship that exists in every organization and that's the relationship engine of conflict.  The power of the conflict engine is the power to transform. 

We've talked about the authority engine as the power to serve, the correction engine as the power to grow.  With the conflict engine is the power to transform an organization. 

Conflict presents tremendous opportunities to organizations.  There are two opportunities that I want to emphasize in this presentation. 

The first is that conflict provides the opportunity to build stronger relationships.  When a relationship experiences conflict, there's also the opportunity for that relationship to be destroyed and diminished.  But there's a tremendous opportunity for relationships to get stronger through conflict when we fuel that conflict engine with the right fuel of respect, and responsibility, rather than disrespect and irresponsibility. 

The second opportunity that conflict presents, the conflict engine presents the opportunity to transform dysfunction into excellence.  When a conflict occurs in an organization it exposes something.  The dynamics of conflict are such that there's an unmet need, there's a perceived wrong, and someone takes offense. 

We've talked about these dynamics in the two fires of conflict course.  James 4:1-4 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?  You desire but do not have, so you kill.  You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.  You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” 

When someone takes offense, we've talked about the trap of offense, when an offense occurs, it elevates self-interest, it assumes a position of judgment toward the person who has caused the offense, and it triggers a trap.  The trap of offense results when we take the bait, become offended, and make the choice to be offended. 

No one forces us to take offense.  We take offense on our own initiatives.  And offense creates a demanding attitude, a demanding attitude toward the person who offended us. And we justify the abuse of our authority, and by abuse of authority in offense we let offense take us out of our opportunity to serve.  Instead of directing my attention at the offender with the power to serve the offense causes me, when I am in the trap, I suspend my incentive to serve that person and I'm now justified in being offended and I will excuse my lack of service toward that individual because they've offended me. 

Offense is very seductive.  We believe that we are right and that we have the right to be offended.  And we become blind to the impact that offense is having on us in our abuse of our authority.  We think we have the right not to serve this person. 

Let's say that I am a plumber and I sell water heaters.  And you've ordered a water heater from me and I come to your home to install the water heater.  And I noticed that there's a water line in your basement that needs to be replaced.  And so I installed the water heater and I finish the job that you've given me the authority to do, and I come upstairs and I give you my invoice and I have written on the invoice ‘need water line in the basement,’ and I tell you that you need a new water line in the basement, and it's going to cost you an additional $1,000 to install that line.  And that if you don't install it, you're going to have a major water problem within the next two months. 

You take offense at my proposal to install a new water line for $1,000. You think that I'm trying to take advantage of you.  You're not a plumber, you didn't know that you needed a new water line; in fact, you don't think you need a new water line because your water is working fine.  So you begin to call me names, and accuse me of abusing my relationship with you, and trying to take advantage of you.  

I have a choice because now we have a conflict, and the choice on my behalf is do I maintain my relationship with you and continue to exercise my authority to serve you or do I take the bait that's on the trap of offense which is the name calling, the judging, the justifying of the judging - do I take offense at that and suspend my power to serve and justify it because of your name calling? 

Well, if I do that, I can guarantee that I will probably lose your business to install that waterline.  And I recognize that you've taken offence at my proposal.  So if I'm operating out of respect and responsibility, if I'm handling my authority wisely, I'm going to discern that you've taken offense at my proposal.  And rather than take offense myself, and lose you as a customer, I will take that response of yours and I'll process it from the perspective of handling my authority with the power to serve.  

And I will say to you, look, let's do this.  Why don't you call another plumber, have them come out and look at that water line.  If they tell you that you need a new water line, then let me know and I'll come out and replace it.  And even better, if they give you a quote that's less than mine, I'll do it for that price. 

Because I've maintained the perspective on my authority as the power to serve, and I've rejected the bait on the trap of offense, I'll retain that customer. 

Even if I don't replace that waterline for them, they will maintain relationship with me. As long as I follow through on what I've said I will do and as long as I've continued to handle my authority with the power to serve, I can help them get out of that trap of offense, I can continue to serve, and the Lord can continue to make my business a blessing to them. 

But if I respond to their offense by taking offense, I'm going to walk out of there justified, that I don't want to do business with this person anymore because they think I'm trying to take advantage of them, and furthermore, who needs customers like that?  

Well, if I treat all of my customers like that, I probably won't be in business very long. And so the Lord has opportunities, even if I make that choice, and lose that customer, there’s an opportunity for correction there. 

So if I put that before the Lord and say, Lord, why did I lose that customer?  I put in such a nice water heater for them, and I put it in correctly.  What's their problem?  Well, from where that customer sat, they were right in their perspective. They thought I was trying to take advantage of this situation, make more money off of them.  From where I stood, I was right.  They needed a new water line. 

So if our perspectives were both accurate, who's right?  Oftentimes, in authority relationships, and in service relationships which are all of our authority relationships, being right isn't the most important thing because often in conflict when the trap of offense is triggered, everybody's right from where they sit.  It’s very difficult to convince someone that you're right and they're wrong when they think they're right, and you're wrong. 

Those situations are only resolved by when someone maintains the power to serve and uses it in the relationship to restore the relationship, to rebuild trust, to rebuild communication, till they can get out of that trap of offense and address the situation from a shared perspective.  The power of the conflict engine provides opportunities to transform your organization in addition to building those relationships.

One last word on that relationship with a customer. 

As long as the customer follows through on my offer, my relationship with that customer is going to be stronger in the end than it was at the beginning because he's seen that I have his best interests at heart, that I'm willing to serve even in the context of my own business interests being involved, that I'm willing to serve and identify those areas of the relationship where we have conflict and invest in the relationship, rather than treat him merely as a customer for dollars and cents, merely for my own self-interest, and not with his best interest at heart. 

When conflicts erupt in an organization, an opportunity for transformation occurs. Sometimes it's a conflict that recurs, certain types of conflict that recur.  When those situations confront you and your leadership, bring it before the Lord, and it is not always a matter of just someone failing to serve.  Sometimes there are systems, sometimes there are approaches to problems and techniques and the way you're doing business, the way you're doing ministry, that the Lord wants to change. 

And so in the midst of conflict, things will be exposed at the trap of offense, that there are opportunities for growth for the organization. 

So don't settle for just resolving the relationship.  Look at the systems.  Look at the procedures in place, look at how you're doing business. Just because a certain way of doing business worked well 20 years ago, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be effective today.  There may be better ways to serve, more effective ways, more efficient ways, much more cost effective ways to serve and do ministry and to work and do business.  And through our conflicts some of those things are exposed. And so be aware of those.  Look for those because a conflict engine can take you to places that you haven't yet been, where the Lord has more blessing and more use for your team and your organization. 

When conflict occurs, that same inward focus and outward focus dynamic that we talked about in correction can be at play.  When we are experiencing that inward focus and conflict occurs, just like the customer who gave me a bad time because I proposed the waterline solution to them, there will be division, damaged relationships, and service and performance dysfunction.  But when I have an outward focus and I'm focused on that person that I'm serving, we can build a stronger relationship; we can transform our relationship, transform the way we do business, because we're not just concerned about ourselves.

There is struggle in conflict in the heat of competition.  When the heat of competition ignites and someone takes the bait on the trap of offense, pride and self-interest become more important than serving.  And we justify those excuses to handle our authority as the power to serve and we abuse our authority in conflict.  

But we can have victory in the heat of competition by staying resolute in handling our authority and making hard choices to continue serving, maintain respect for the people we're serving, and handle our authority with responsibility.  And that when conflicts occur, we can look for transformational opportunities for the team, for the organization, as well as for individuals involved in the conflict. 

So what about your organization?  Where's the conflict engine taking you when conflict and heat of competition ignites in your organization?  As a team, are you taking those conflicts as an opportunity to improve your ability to serve, to improve the way you handle your authority, to consider areas of correction and growth, and letting the Lord transform your organization, letting the Lord transform the people you work with, and letting the Lord transform you as a leader?

So many opportunities in the heat of competition.  So many opportunities in the way we handle authority.  So many opportunities in the way we respond to correction and so many opportunities in conflict to maintain and develop PeaceSmart Relationships with those we serve and those we serve with. 

God bless you. We'll see you next time.