Video Transcript: Introduction to Personal Darksides
Okay, so the reality: where does this dysfunction come from? In video number two, topic two, we talked about the theological truth of the fall, Genesis chapter three, Adam and Eve. And that is the first thing we turn to. It was Adam and Eve who opened the door; they allowed it to come, in the the complete disconnect between mankind and God. Total separation. Family of Origin, as we talked about personal experiences. And we're not here to blame our family of origin, not here to blame anybody, but to look at me, look at ourselves. Did things happen with mom and dad? Did things happen with the teacher? Things happen with those boys and girls on the on the playground? Or did that abuse happen? Because the uncle or the aunt did. And those are personal experiences. But we also say, well, we need to understand it so we can get help about it. And personal circumstances--poverty, struggle, pain, disease, genetic disorders--dysfunction can rise out of these sources. So why doesn't God just remove all this? The classic question, Why does God allow bad things happen to good people? That question is asked too much. But it's still asked, that question still comes up. And the truth of the matter is, we go back to the fall, Adam and Eve opening the door: not God, human beings. So why doesn't he just remove our physical ailments or dysfunction? Why doesn't he just remove our nearsightedness or asthma, gum disease or disorder or respiratory issues, Diabetes? Well, the first reason is this. They provide the raw material for our character development. It's the raw stuff that we need, but the raw stuff that God takes, rather. And he brings it together and it says, okay, yeah, you went through this. Yep, you went through that. Let's show you: it molds you, shapes you up so that you realize of course, that I'm in control and not them and are those people or you, but I'm gonna use the brokenness to make something beautiful. Kind of like that whole story of the of the Indian servant with the pots and the whole story goes that the servant has a cracked pot and he has a pot that is not cracked. And he goes to the pond back and forth through his master's house. And the crack pot is full of water and of course, each time he goes back and forth, the crackpot is leaking water out of his pot and the Indian servant knows this, he knows that this is the situation and he just allows it to be that crack to remain. And so the water as he is taking of course he has a pole cross the shoulders and the crack pot on one side that good pot and the side and the crackpot leaks the water and the flowers on the crackpot side are starting to spring up, where that's not the case on the good pot side. However, the cracked pot doesn't realize this. And the cracked pot asked, if pots could talk, that cracked pot asks the Indian servant? Why is it that you don't fix me? Why don't you fix me? I I've got this crack and I'm leaking water. You fill me up but then I'm half gone. Water's half gone by the time we get to our Masters House. Ah, says the Indian servant. Now that you see, let me tell you, I've allowed that crack to be in you, so that as that water leaks out, do you notice the flowers growing alongside the road? And putting this in the biblical context where the Indian servant is saying God is using you to bring beauty to my Masters House? Or as if to say actually, where you are bringing beauty to God's house, to God the master, and bring life all around you. Even though you have a defect, even though you have a crack, God is doing the same thing here. Everyone through that raw material to the cracks in our lives. We have that character development that God allows to happen. Consider it joy, my brothers when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its perfect result, they may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James went to before: you see, if we pick apart this verse, or these verses, and we see about the testing of our faith, and it produces endurance, and perseverance. It brings a perfect result. Beauty. God works through the brokenness, until Jesus Christ comes back. And then we are made complete. Also, Romans five, and not only this, but we also exalt in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope. And hope does not disappoint. Because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit, who was given to us. Flowers, beauty, hope, the cracks in your life, God uses to bring all of you together with other people. The fulfillment of his purpose as the body of Christ, you may not be the hand, you may be the eye, you may not be the ear, but you may be the mouth, you may not be the head, but you may be the foot. We are God's hands and feet. Romans five, and we are then are looking at perseverance through their trials in this broken world. And God then completes us.
Well, the second reason about why God just doesn't remove our dark sides is that they serve as the anvil upon which God shapes our leadership. Just imagine an anvil like the blacksmith. I checked around, I couldn't find an anvil that was apt for what I needed today. But just imagine an anvil and then a big hammer. And I brought a hammer in. And one of our other videos I've done here, but just imagine the hammer and the hammer, just like the blacksmith, pounding out, getting rid of all the defects in the metal, pounding out in the shaping and forming us. And we also see what God was doing through others. Joseph, for example, his story, how he was falsely accused by Potiphar, how he's put into prison, how God used that tribulation, that trial, to bring him to the second-in-command role with Pharaoh. Moses, age 80. Of course, he killed in Egyptian at age 40. God said at age 80. I'm now calling you now go into your calling. And that was another 40 years. Of course, Moses said, I'm not I'm not the guy. Oh, yeah, you are. God said. He takes those issues in Moses, his life and Joseph's life, David's life. Esther's. I remember her: she dealt with the taboosand the things you don't do with the king, with the King of Persia and being his wife, how she had to ask permission to go into His presence, and so forth. And how she wanted to save her people. It was life and death. God use those things. The apostle Paul, President Lincoln, Prime Minister, Churchill, President, FDR, many, many trials that God uses as those things where God pounds out of us what we allow to be barriers, but then he uses them and reshapes them to form us, to make us complete. Okay, so how does also how does the dysfunction contribute? How does it contribute? Our personal dysfunctions are a normal part of human development in this fallen world, as I've been explaining; there's no way they can be avoided. However, when we respond to them in negative unhealthy ways, that's the that's the key, if we respond to them in negative unhealthy ways, and for example, again, going back to the earplugs, we just don't want to listen. So we just we avoid, and we don't listen, we stay in denial, we think we're fine, but we're not fine. Or we turn the blind eye. And we just don't want to see. However, there are these dysfunctions we deal with are a normal part of our development. We're in a fallen world. There's no way we can avoid them, we can't just be blind to them. But when we respond them in negative, unhealthy ways, which if we keep the mask on, keep earplugs in the development of our dark side begins, so if you did not deal with the abuse, with the help of someone else, of course, God first and maybe a therapist or another counselor or an accountability partner, however, that would be all the above, all together, drop, it happens, then that Darkside begins to grow, begins to grow and manifests itself in ways that are unhealthy. And then we have something happen, like what happened to Mr. Clinton and also to those other pastors. Also, what makes your dark side so dangerous aren't natural responses to our dark side. Here's how we often respond, in denial, as I mentioned, self deception. It's not happened to me. It's, of course, part of denial, but I am just the the best thing ever. I I'm successful I, I can do it. It kind of reminds you of how we deceive ourselves and that we are the answer. Ephesians 2:8-9 As we said, in the video, too, is by grace, we're saved by faith not by works, but then we deceive ourselves and thinking the work that I do. I can take care of it. I'm on top of it ,when we're not also rationalizing. Well, this happened; because this happened, this person so, but it's all okay. When it's not okay. Justification where we tend to justify our bad actions, our sins covering it up. Wait a minute, if we if we hide it, and make sure nobody sees it. And we keep things underneath our hat. Well, yes, it'll be okay. No one will know that I took the money no one will know that I had the affair no one will know that I'm into pornography. No one will know that I drink to excess eventually don't know they'll no blame ah, blame shifting. She did it, he did it, not me. Ah, victimization, where we victimize other people because of our mistakes and project on them what we don't like about ourselves. Defeatism? Oh, I kind of remember Winnie the Pooh. And you have Eeore, the donkey and it's all "Everything's bad. Oh man." And you defeat yourself before you can even get to the task, or to the challenge, and win with God's help. So let's understand what are the needs that drive us. What are the things that drive us? We have needs, we have wants as human beings. And that may seem obvious, but often we don't recognize and we don't stop and say: okay, I need this and I want that. Here are my strengths here my weaknesses. So what are the needs that drive us? Well, this is coming from Dr. Maslow who built the hierarchy of needs, as you can see here on the screen, and the first need, we have is physiological, where my person has health, and I am functional and I'm healthy. And I'm able to go from point A to point B, and I'm also safe. So I've got safety around me. I've got food to eat, water to drink. And I'm doing okay with my physical needs and also I have safety. So I don't have to worry about losing my life.
Love. I have parents that love me I have a family that's loving. I have a community that is supportive. I have a spouse whom I am now able to love and reproduce the same esteem. Yes, I have what it takes. Yes, I am validated. Yes, I have. I am me, I am Dr. Mark, I am John I am Jack, I am Sue. I am Jane, I, whoever you are, you are you. And also then, we've been discover ourselves, we say, Oh, now that I have all these other needs these these base needs met. from the physical to the safety to the love and the esteem. Ah, now I'm discovering who I am in Christ and my purpose in this life. And those are the needs that drive us just to acknowledge and understand. And so we could put it in a framework right now. Okay, so what are the missing blocks on our pyramid of needs? What then happens? It all sounds good. All sounds good, Dr. Mark, but we know the truth. Yes, we do. What happens when some of these most basic needs are never adequately satisfied? Worse yet, what happens when we experience some traumatic event during our childhood or developmental years that causes us to feel threatened, unsafe in one of these essential areas of need, and where we've been violated and when certain events or experiences threatened us in one of our needy areas, or when we are deprived in any way, we shouldn't expect that satisfying that particular need will become a controlling element of our personality. So for example, if I had been told I'm not worth anything by dad or mom or both, and that I'm I should only expect to graduate high school maybe that college is not an opportunity, or that I don't have what it takes to do what dad does or anything else. But don't feel validated. Or if I don't feel again, ladies, if you don't feel that you You are beautiful, and also that that you have what it takes and sort of the message you're receiving from family and others and all these these lies that we begin to believe, well what happens with those situations as we look at those examples again is that it becomes a controlling element that begins to control you, not you controlling it. So, when we look at addiction for example, often what we have is we have this unmet need and this unmet need that is the controlling factor that controls me. As that controls me, I'm not in control of it and then what tends to happen is that brings hurt pain and also false belief leading to other consequences, thinking that and I get stuck I get stuck in the stinking thinking and then what we do is we say, okay, in order to take care of the pain and the hurt, I turned to a drug. let's just call that crack cocaine. Okay, you think alcohol, which is a drug? You're thinking opioids. You're thinking all these these these drugs and alcohol together? Ah, but also put in there food, put in there as well people trying to please people all the time. That's my drug. Or I like to watch video games, or do video games all the time, watch movies, binge watching, as they call it. Run Netflix or Amazon Prime. I'm watching movies endlessly because I don't want to face my pain. I don't want to deal with my hurt. So I turned to that drug, whatever it is. It's not about drugs and alcohol. When we look at these things about the dark sides, and also therefore addictive choices, what often happens is, is that we are looking at the fact that we turn to these drugs, these other people, places and things and substances, to take care of the pain, and anything. That's why we all need to be in recovery. We all need to do inventory of ourselves, albeit in a variety of ways, but also, thanks be to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord, we are now saved, nothing is separated from Love of God, Romans eight, but also to we need to be mindful of our issues and get help in the inventory. Okay, so the controlling element, and here's how that works. In addition, events and experiences that create unmet needs, events and experiences. We look at the divorce, we look at perfectionistic parents: well, you're never good enough. Here's the right way to do it. This is what's perfect. You can't feel you measure up. Or rejection by the love interest. She said, No, you proposed or he said, we're over. And she is devastated. Or you're cut from the athletic team, or there's the death of a parent. I'm working with a with a couple right now where the husband is dealing with issues because of a death of a parent: when he was seven, his dad died. Very, very important to understand themany dynamics going on with that, and how it affects people later on life. Also physical abuse, which we know is has been epidemic, all throughout history; adolescent teasing; economic deprivation, poverty, as well as struggle, two steps forward, three steps back. So what's happening here? What are we looking at, when it comes to the dark side, when we're looking at is this, we are seeing that there are debts that we create, or, to put it another way, debts that show up, things that fall short. As if we need a loan of love, if you will, and then can't pay that loan back. Or there's just things just just there are not right. Things that need to be made right. And we can't go back and fix the past. We can't fix our weaknesses, we can't fix what they, whoever they are, did to me. So we look at debts that we cannot pay: the divorce the parents, your parents, if they divorced, that's what they chose to do; also abuse. Again, the abuser choosing to do abuse you. And then maybe you choose to abuse someone else: that is often the pattern. Or adoption. Well, my biological mom and dad didn't want me who am, I mean. We can't, you can't go back and fix that, you can't deal with that. Back at that time, because you were in the womb, then you were born and then you were given away. And, Lord willing, to great parents and a great family and for those of you who who had a bad experience as an adopted child, my prayers are for you for healing. Healing sibling death, that brother, that sister. School failures. Trying to to deal with what what that teacher said and what happened then, where am I now educationally? Can I really go back to school? Here you are. You're probably back to school now, here with CLI. But these become debts things that we want to pay back, we want to make right. Pay the debt. Like Jesus paid our debt and set us free. We want to set ourselves free from these these painful things, these hurtful things, these shadow sides, and there are many others. You could probably write about that in your reflections in your journals for this topic, but I would encourage you to do so. So the drive to succeed, there's a theory called compensation theory. How do we compensate for what happened back in time? President Lincoln, he had a lot of issues himself, he could read his biography and maybe watch the film about his life. Of course, how we dealt with the Civil War and a nation that was divided; Douglas MacArthur as well, in time of war; Jim Bakker, who is a TV evangelist and how he stole money and also was disgraced. He had a lot of family of origin issues that he could not fix himself, and he needed God's help in order to do things right. And also Bill Clinton too, with an abusive background with a with alcoholic stepfather and other issues. Verse Historie. Billy Graham, Yes, Billy Graham, too. None of us are exempt. None of us. How about you? And as I look at me, I often look into each day, how am I the problem, and I want to compensate and want to pay that debt back and I can't. So let's look at the pattern, how the pattern emerges. Stage one, we look at the needs. Stage two, if we're pulling back and looking at what's really going on, if we're really taking the mask off, literally, and also taking the earplugs out and say I want to see I want to hear what's really going on with me. Let's look at what my needs are getting back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Also the traumatic experiences Yes, I'm by God's grace, I'm gonna face my abuse. This existential debt? Yes, I'm gonna, you know, look at this this stage and say, I know that that's something I want to make right. And then also looking at the dark side development, what developed, what was driving me to the dark side, what was making me go and not see the real me. Some example, stage one needs traumatic experiences, the debt we feel that we have to pay back. And then of course, the Dark Side development. We identify our dark side and what I'll be providing for you here in the next topics are, probably not with this topic, but also with the profile of some topics here further, as we get into the dark sides, you'll see where that is, in your outline with the topics: they're online. And with with the score, what we want you to do and be able to do is to identify where you're at, there are five areas of dark sides, or five dark sides, to be aware of. Passive aggressive, we address that a little bit; compulsive, and that's a term meaning control. How am I too controlling over controlling paranoid? Is everybody after me? Paranoia: Are they talking about me? In that room with the door shut? Or narcissistic: It's all about me. Yep, see the world, it's a revolving around me today and every day all the time narcissism. Codependency: oh, if you're not happy, I'm not happy. I need to fix you so I can feel fixed.
And that, as we said earlier, can be our drug too, with people places and things. Codependency, and truthfully, we all suffer from all five they're just a different levels, as we look at the sin nature, as looking at our issues. And how this can be tracked, we can zero in on where we're at to help us succeed. Course all with God's power. It begins with him. And then of course to look at, what the issues are, what our dark sides, how, where they're up and where they're down. And if one of our dark sides is too too high on the on the profile, as we do that, do it periodically. Then we get help if it's about paranoia, or then we get help if it's about controlling behavior, and so on. Okay. And then we're able to see with this graph and also with the levels, where the percentages are with the profile and how to score it, and so on. We'll have instructions about this later on in the course. So those are the dark sides. As an introduction, as to help us understand that, yes, we have things to face, we have things to look at. And I encourage you to do more research on this and also encourage you, of course, as you read the materials from overcoming the dark side of leadership, the book and also looking at this PowerPoint in general, that we can then further get zeroed in on where you're at today, and we're gonna continue to make you fruitful for His kingdom.