Video Transcript: Dark Side - Compulsive Leaders

Mark Vander Meer - In the introductory video, we talked about the dark sides of  leadership. We all have them. They all come because of some type of life debt  we think we have to pay back again. It goes all back to family of origin and how  things were done by mom, my dad, or maybe that teacher who said something  

wrong and what the wound, or maybe the experience with that coach, or just  other things as we grow up in our homes, experience in childhood. Or perhaps it was the abuse, whatever it may be, we look at these shadow sides we look at  the things that follow us that become dark, because if we don't deal with these  issues, we don't understand what's happening within us, we will have the day  well, the tendency to gravitate to A path where we might get ourselves in trouble  without even realizing it. And again, we talked about Mr. Clinton, we talked about Martha Stewart. We talked about others who have gone down that path, even  Ted Haggard as well as you may recall, who was the head of the National  Association of Evangelicals caught in a motel room with a male prostitute. What  are those dark sides, and why do they occur? And how do we help ourselves to  become good stewards of ourselves, to produce that domestic tranquility, to help us to bring peace to our homes and our communities and have us in check. We  can't do it alone. So let's take a look at each of these dark sides. The first one  that comes up is compulsivity, or as we know it, more popularly as control and  control issues. So control or compulsivity has a whole list of causes, and we'll go through each of the shadow sides, or the dark sides, with all the causes and  effects and characteristics all the above. And for the compulsive or the control  person, they perceive that there's a lack of control in their life, and that there is a need to control everything, all the things with people, places and things around  them, to be under their control. If they don't have that control, they feel they're  out of control. Now, if you think back to the temperament videos, and we had  that great interview with Pastor Greg and also Colette, as well as going over all  the characteristics of temperament, that's one thing, the hot wiring God has put  inside of you that is inherent within your soul, your being, that you were born  with. There's nothing wrong and nothing right with it. It just is. But also, we don't  excuse behavior because of our wiring. Now we get into the whole sin part. We  get into the whole theological aspect of how we look at our brokenness, how to  look at the shadow side of our lives. And coming back to the control person,  there's a perception that there's a lack of control, and I have to have more  control in order to feel like I'm in control. And this could be the choleric, the my  way person, as we've talked about that before, or it may not. Maybe it's just a  control issue in general. The other cause could be the need for approval. Now  for some of you who may be dealing with this control issue and need to have  more control around you and with everybody involved with your life, at school or  at work or at home. Maybe this is not part of what's going on with you or a  cause, but for many of you, it is, and the need for approval is very real. In  addition, there's a latent or repressed amount of anger. For example, maybe you

were told when you were five years old, six years old and on throughout  childhood. Oh, okay, you're angry, but don't express it. That's not nice. That's not Christian. Keep it in. We act Christian. We act nice in front of others. We don't let it hang out as we see the world doing it. But that's not biblical. And backing up,  as I mentioned before in the first video, on the dark sides, we all have all five  dark sides. It's just in different levels. But for some of us, one is more of an issue than the other. So for you control people, this is a constant problem. These are  the main causes that we look at, characteristics, characteristics. Perfectionism,  okay, you right way people out there might be saying, Oh, I'm is that's about  details. Well, for control people, not necessarily, necessarily about details,  although the details should be there. Most control people, people who have  problem with controlling people, places and things around them, they're more  goal oriented. Yeah, I'm referring to the choleric people, the my way, people, the  domineering people. They want to go after the goal now they don't care how  they get there, just as long as they get there and when they get there, they  expect it to be perfect. Quote, unquote, everything in place, as opposed to the  right way. Person who is more concerned about the end, from the beginning,  more concerned about those details to be in the order they ought to be. How the control person simply assumes that when they get to that goal, when they hit all  18 goals at once, let's say, at the speed of light, they're saying, well, then they  are perfect. Therefore there's perfection achieved, because my teams got it  done for me and with me. Well, perfectionism is a characteristic status,  conscious status. Conscious if I feel I'm out of control? Well, how's that going to  look to other people, and how about my reputation? And how's the rest of the  world to perceive our organization if we don't have full control over what we do  and what we say, and micromanage everybody, let's say, whereas the opposite  is more true. Jesus taught empowerment. He taught about how people need to  become, all that he is, that God has created to become, and God is in control,  and we follow him, but we're human and we deal with status issues,  workaholism, ah, control. People got to work both 60 hours a week. Hey, maybe  80 hours a week, because otherwise that sense of control, they go away. I'm  speaking facetiously. I'm being a little cynical here, but that's the reality of it. We  feel as workaholics, and I, for one, can attest to workaholism, different waves,  different seasons in my life, too, as a choleric person, as a my way person, and  yeah, control is about it, and control can be good. It can be bad, a characteristic  of workaholism, that's where it gets bad, where work becomes the idol, where  work becomes the thing that controls me, as opposed to me, be empowered by  God to steward, to manage it. So perfectionism, status conscious, workaholism,  compulsivity can be dangerous. Well, the challenges, the challenges of the  compulsive or control leader, the control person, is to resist the temptation to be  controlling. That's a challenge. What if that person goes off the reservation, as  we say, and does things that we don't want him to do, or for for her to do what 

we don't want her to do, or we feel like, if something is out of our control, will we  lose the farm? Will we lose the organization? True? The matter is we won't. We  won't. If God is in control, it will be okay. God will take us through the  challenges. It will be okay. Also, perfectionistic tendencies gotta be right. Gotta  be all perfect once we get it all done, and resist focusing on performance and  approval, in other words, transactional versus transformational. So as we focus  on performance and approval, we we need to say, Okay, God has gifted me.  God has given me a purpose. He's given me opportunity, so let's go after it, but  within his boundaries and his plan, his desire, as we read Scripture and start  with prayer, and also look at how God's wired us as we've talked about and look  at the goals that he reveals to us in our calling, their vocation and also in our  families, but we need to resist focusing on the performance track, resist focusing on meeting that approval all the time, which leads to another dark side, which  we talked about briefly, is codependency. Codependency so transactional?  Transformational, transactional says, well, we'll just do the transaction. I pay the  bill, we get the service, therefore we get the goals done, and therefore we're  controlling everybody and everything, as opposed to transformational, where no  God has given us what we've been blessed to do and see God do the  transforming of other people through the calling He's given us in ministry or in  industry, whichever. And so that is the control person. Today I invited pastor  Greg Chandler, who you met in the video on having to do with temperament,  and Greg is a recovery coach as well. We work with, as I mentioned in the other  videos, many people who have deal addictions and also life choices that take  them down some dark paths, and often with addiction and those kinds of things,  control becomes a big issue. And so that control, shadow side, dark side can  often be out of control, and where we have these issues come up. So pastor  Greg, welcome back. Yeah. And so good to work with you, of course, on our  community recovery team, along with Colette, and as we work with many people who have many different issues and life situations where control is well, just out  of control. And as a recovery coach, what if you could just comment for the  students who are watching this? What is it like in helping others who who seem  to be out of control?  

Greg Chandler - Of course, there are challenges, but it's also rewarding,  especially to help them to see where they are and appreciate where they want  to be. One thing, as we were taught as recovery coaches, to accept people  basically as they see themselves. If they say this or that about them, we don't be combative with it. We accept it, and then we work from there and to help them to develop realistic goals, and most of all, to embrace their whole self, accepting of themselves, and then build from there to toward wellness and stability as well As accountability, yeah, to return them, which is what recovery is all about, is to be  functional, you know, and also to be a productive member of society, and not 

based just upon you know, the societal models of you know, or trying to impress  someone, but that you Want to embrace yourself and be comfortable with the  skin. Can I use that vernacular the skin that you're in?  

Mark Vander Meer - Yeah, really, yeah, so, and here you say that those who are  not comfortable in their own skin, who feel like they're about to crawl out of their  skin, as we sometimes say, sure, because of family of origin issues, yes, and  because of the actual physical or emotional or mental abuse that has created  more domestic violence, if you will. Violence is a broad term, not just what  people do in terms of physical violence, but, but the violence that people feel  and the chaos that they are in spiritually to begin with, of course, and  psychologically and emotionally and mentally, all the above and that control is  out of control because they're not submitting to God's control, true, and I  appreciate you talking about the goals as well as you coach our brothers and  sisters to said goals, because everybody's different, all right. And I know that  your issues from before related to crack addiction, yes and yeah, and other  things like related to it, speak your own experience as an addict and as  recovering person, how God has helped you to have a better sense of control,  as opposed to being out of control,  

Greg Chandler - as you mentioned. Keyword origin, family origin, having been  an overcomer, because I refuse to use the word survivor of traumas and  tragedies of past. I believe that communicates to the perpetrator. They still have  a lasting effect on my life, and since Jesus has come through my invitation in my life, and has been not only the central character, but the Supreme Personality  over my life. I welcome his authority, supreme authority over my life. I will not  dare place them who did the ill toward me in the arena where he alone shines.  That's why I will not use terms like Survivor, it's nothing against anyone else  they want to use it, but me, because of Christ, I'm an overcomer, appreciating  the truth revealed in text that we are more than conquerors through Christ that  loves us, and it was what introduced me into this dark realm was through abuse. You know, I had suffered a series of sexual abuses by several family members  as a young person, to the point that when you're young, it's hard for you to  communicate. As a child, we act out because we don't have the mastery of  words to communicate, that there's something going wrong. People thought I  was weird because I would take my toys when it came play time and I would  retreat to a closet, I pretty much had all my toys in my closet. That's where what  my playroom was, that was my safe space, because I'm trying to communicate  that being around certain family members have been traumatic for me, you  know. And so because of not being able to, as I develop from childhood, not  being able to communicate these abuses, and later on, I would meet a  psychologist says, Will you repress some of this stuff? And sure, that's true, but 

just dealing with the visceral aspect of it. I wanted to escape the pain, and I was  willing to do anything and everything to escape the pain. So around my peer  groups, I was introduced to marijuana, to wine to beer, to a variety of things.  And, you know, and because of what I call the hole in my soul, this this  damaged area, this place of dysfunction, I'm trying to fill it with something. I'm  trying to stop the scenes of the abuses and the voices of the abuses, and  everything that has to do with and I'm looking for that escape that I'm looking for  that Aha, you know, that all is well with life because that I'm lacking this in me.  And so after experimenting with some of everything that I came across this  phenom called crack and me, and it became best friends, and I became very  defensive about crack usage and whatnot, because my argument, my hard  leave a handprint push back, was, you don't know what I've been through. So  that gave me the rationale and the reason and the justifications emotionally to  continue on in that path, even though they were clear, as we understand and  appreciate the definition of addiction, pathological relationship to any mood  altering substance or behavior that has life damaging consequences. Now,  surely I had life damaging consequences that other people could see but I  couldn't see. It is because this is my medication. Chemicals medicate pain,  right? So this is my pain and this is my medication. How dare you get in  between me and my medication, my meds. I need my meds. Okay? I got to  have my meds, even though there was, of course, the beneficial aspect, oh, I'm  high and I'm out of my mind and, and this is pleasurable, right? Pleasurable,  until I realized that I missed me. I was living a reactionary life instead of a  responsive life. Truly, this is my own choice, my own election and whatnot, but  life was still going on, and it was passing me by and God did bless me with  some degree of intelligence, you know, my brain, you know, and and through the ingestion of this drug and then their participation in the subsequent behaviors,  that talent, gift and ability was in a dormant state and I wanted it to awake. You  know, I wanted, for lack of another term, I wanted to live Mark I recognize, and  sure, the pains were still there from the traumas and tragedies of the childhood  abuses, but there was still something in my core that awakening. Wanted to to  live, and I had tried rehab, it didn't work for me, and I'm not against rehab. No,  no, no, I'm not, not against rehab in any way, shape or fashion. In fact, I'm a big  promoter and endorser, whatever works works. But I've tried a lot of things, but I  have to say and attest today that Jesus fixed it for me. But I'm not just going to  say to you, oh, I had to just say a bunch of Jesus. Jesus off my lips. And then all  of a sudden, all the pain went away, and recovery was instant. No, I had to work  together with the Lord, you know, I John 1:9 and I confess to your sins, He's  faithful and just. But the confession was more than just lip service, right? It was  actually deed and truth my deeds, if I could say, and I have a problem with this,  and I have to do what's necessary for me to be well, to fix it. So if that means to  go to some support groups, if it means to get a counselor, if it means concerted 

study, whatever I need to do, it means exercise and and relationship assistance  or training or help. You know, whatever is necessary, that's what I pursued after.  And next thing you know, I entered into this wonderful realm called recovery.  Yeah, you did. I've been going at this 20 some odd years now, you know, and  I'm enjoying each and every step of the way. You know, that's why I you know, I  love to share my story. Thank you for the opportunity to do it, because I know  that Jesus, a life, a relationship with Him, a study and expiration of His word can be transformational and lasting, but there is work we have to do, you know. So  I'm a real stickler. You said recovery coach or specializing in relapse prevention,  I'm a real Stickler with accountability and responsibility and things of that nature, because these are all the elements that resolve in healthy living, absolutely.  

Mark Vander Meer - So what Greg just gave you was a clear example an  illustration of transactional versus transformational that, Greg, you said it  yourself, it was being transformed, as opposed to the transaction of well, okay,  I'll do lip service for example. But that won't translate into actual application of  the recovery that you needed, so that the boundaries, well, in your addiction,  there were no boundaries, and you thought you could function without them, and but then God gave you the boundaries within recovery, which is transformational under his control, as opposed to your control, and that, my friends, that's exactly how the control issue with all of us comes into play, and not just with crack  addiction, but anything, food or people, places and things. In our next video,  we're going to talk about the whole issue of relationships and also  codependency and these kinds of things. And so Greg, thank you. It's been  good to talk about how the compulsive leader, the compulsive area in our lives  can be conquered and put back into check See you next time