Video Transcript: Dark Side - Compulsive Leaders

Mark:

In the introductory video, we talked about the dark sides of leadership. We all have them. They all come because of some type of life debt we think we have to pay back. Again, it goes all back to the family of origin, and how things were done by mom, by dad, or maybe that teacher who said something wrong, and let the wound, or maybe the experience with that coach, or just other things as we grow up in our homes, experience in childhood, or perhaps it was the abuse, whatever it may be. We look at these shadow sides, look at the things that follow us, that become dark, because if we don't deal with these issues, we will not understand what's happening within us; we will have the tendency to gravitate to a path where we might get ourselves in trouble without even realizing it. And again, we talked about Mr. Clinton, we talked about Martha Stewart, we talked about others who have gone down that path, even Ted Haggard, as well, as you may recall, who was the head of the National Association of Evangelicals, caught in in a hotel room with a male prostitute?

What are those dark sides? And why do they occur? And how do we help ourselves to become good stewards of ourselves, to produce that domestic tranquility, to help us to bring peace to our homes and our communities and have us in check? We can't do it alone. So, let's take a look at each of these dark sides.

The first one that comes up is compulsivity, or as we know it more popularly, control and control issues. So, control or compulsivity has a whole list of causes. And we'll go through each of the shadow sides of the dark sides with all the causes and effects and characteristics all the above. And for the compulsive or the control person, they perceive that there's a lack of control in their life. And that there is a need to control everything, all the things with people places and things around them, to have them under their control. And they don't have that control. They feel they're out of control.

Now, if you think back to the temperament videos, and we had that great interview with Pastor Greg and also Colette, as well as going over all the characteristics of temperament. That's one thing, the hot-wiring God's put inside of you, that is inherent within your soul, your being, that you were born with. There's nothing wrong and nothing right with it: it just is. But also, we don't excuse behavior because of our wiring.

Now we get into the whole sin part, we get to the whole theological aspect of how we look at our brokenness, how we look at the shadow sides of our lives. And coming back to the control person, there's a perception that there's a lack of control. And I have to have more control in order to feel like I'm in control. And this could be the choleric, the 'my way' person, as we've talked about before. Or it may not; maybe it's just a control issue in general.

The other cause could be the need for approval. Now, for some of you who may be dealing with this control issue and need to have more control around you and with everybody involved in your life, at school, or at work, or at home. Maybe this is not part of what's going on with your cause. But for many of you it is and the need for approval is very real.

In addition, there's the latent or repressed amount of anger. For example, maybe you were told when you were five years old and six years old, and throughout childhood, oh, okay, you're angry, but don't express it. That's not nice. That's not Christian. Keep it in, we act Christian, we act nice in front of others. We don't want to hang out as we see the world doing it. But that's not biblical. And backing up, as I mentioned before in the first video on the dark sides, we all have all five dark sides--just in different levels. But for some of us, one is more of an issue than the other. So, for you control people, this is a constant problem. These are the main causes that we look at.

Perfectionism. Okay, you right way people out there might be saying, Oh, that's about details. Well, for control people, it’s not necessarily about details, although the details should be there. Most control people, people who have problems with controlling people, places and things around them, they're more goal oriented. And yeah, I'm referring to the choleric people, the 'my way' people, the domineering people, that they want to go out to the goal, that they don't care how they get there, just as long as they get there. And when they get there, they expect it to be “perfect,” everything in place, as opposed to the 'right way' person who is more concerned about the end from the beginning, we're concerned about those details to be in the order they ought to be. Called the control person simply assumes that when they get to that goal, when they hit all 18 goals at once, let's say at the speed of light, they're saying, well there! Then they're perfect. Therefore, there's perfection achieved, because my team's got it done for me and with me.

Well, perfectionism is a characteristic 'status conscious.' If I feel I'm out of control, how's it going to look to other people? And how about my reputation and how's the rest of the world going to perceive our organization, if we don't have full control over what we do and what we say? And micromanage everybody, let's say. Whereas the opposite is more true. Jesus taught empowerment. He taught about how people need to become all the he is, that God has created us to become, and God is in control. And we follow him back. We're human. And we deal with status issues, workaholism, control people. Got to work, though, 60 hours a week, hey, maybe 80 hours a week. Because otherwise, that sense of control, it goes away. Now I'm speaking facetiously; I'm being a little cynical here. But that's the reality of it. We feel as workaholics, and I for one can attest to workaholism, different waves, different seasons in my life, as a choleric person as a My Way person. And yeah, control is about it. And control can be good & it can be bad. A characteristic of workaholism, that's where it gets bad, where work becomes the idol, work becomes the thing that controls me, as opposed to me being empowered by God to steward, to manage it. And so, perfectionism is status conscious. Workaholism, compulsivity can be dangerous. While the challenges of the compulsive or control leader, the control person needs to resist the temptation to be controlling. That's a challenge. But what if that person goes off the reservation, as we say it, does things that we don't want him to do or for her to do what we don't want her to do? Or we feel like if something is out of our control, will we lose the farm or we lose the organization? The truth of the matter is, we won't. If God is in control, it will be okay. God will take us through the challenges. It will be okay.

Also, perfectionistic tendencies got to be right and got to be all perfect. Once we get it all done, and resist focusing on performance and approval. In other words, transactional versus transformational. So, as we focus on performance and approval, we need to say okay, God has gifted me, God's given me a purpose. He's given me opportunity. So, let's go after it, but within his boundaries, in his plan, his desire. As we read Scripture and start with prayer, and also look at how God's wired us, as we've talked about, and look at the goals he reveals to us in our calling, our vocation, and also in our families, we need to resist focusing on the performance track, resist focusing on needing that approval all the time, which leads to another dark side, which we talked about briefly: codependency.

So, transactional/transformational. Transactional says, well, we'll just do the transaction: I pay the bill, we get the service, therefore we get the goals done. And therefore, we're controlling everybody in everything, as opposed to transformational where no, God has given us what we have been blessed to do. And we see God do the transforming of other people through the callings given us, in ministry, or in the industry, whichever. And so that is the control person.

Today, I invited pastor Greg Chandler, who you met in the video on how to do with temperament. And Greg is a recovery coach as well. We work with, as I mentioned in the other videos, many people who have to deal with addictions and also life choices that take them down to dark paths. And often with addiction and those kinds of things, control becomes a big issue. And so that control, shadow side dark side can often be out of control, and where we have these issues come up. So pastor Greg, welcome back.

Greg:

Thank you for having me.

Mark:

Yeah. And so good to work with you, of course, on our community recovery team, along with Colette. And as we work with many people who have many different issues and life situations, where control is just out of control. And as a recovery coach, what if you could just comment for the students who are watching this, what is it like in helping others who, who seem to be out of control. 

Greg:

Of course, there are challenges, but it's also rewarding, especially to help them to see where they are, and appreciate where they want to be. One thing we were taught as recovery coaches was to accept people, basically, as they see themselves: if they say this, or that about them, we won't be combative with it, we accept it, and then we work from there. And to help them to develop realistic goals, and most of all, to embrace their whole self, accepting of themselves, and then build from there to toward wellness and stability, as well as accountability. Yeah, to return them, which is what recovery is all about, is to be functional, and also to be a productive member of society. And not based just upon the societal models of trying to impress someone, but that you want to embrace yourself and be comfortable with the skin. Can I use that? The macula, the skin that you're in?

Mark:

Yeah. So, I'm hearing you say that those who are not comfortable in their own skin, who feel like they're about to crawl out of their skin, as we sometimes say? Because of family of origin issues. And because of the actual physical or emotional or mental abuse, that has created more domestic violence, if you will. Violence is a broad term, not just what people do in terms of physical violence, but the violence that people feel in the chaos, that they are in a spiritually to begin with, of course, and psychologically, and emotionally and mentally, all the above. And that control is out of control, because they're not so many that God's control. And I appreciate you talking about the goals as well as you coach, our brothers and sisters to set goals, because everybody's different. All right. And I know that your issues from before related to crack addiction. And, yeah, and other things like related to it. Speak your own experience as an addict, as recovering person, how God has helped you to have a better sense of control, as opposed to being out of control.

Greg:

What you've mentioned, you know, key word origin, family origin, having been an overcomer, because I refuse to use the word survivor of traumas and tragedies of past: I believe that communicates to the perpetrator they still have a lasting effect on my life. And since Jesus has come through my invitation in my life and has been not only this central character, but the Supreme Personality over my life, I welcome his authority, supreme authority over my life, I will not dare place them, who did the ill toward me, in the arena where he alone shines. That's why I will not use terms like Survivor. It's nothing against anyone else, if they want to use it. But me, because of Christ, I'm an overcomer appreciating the truth revealed in text, that we are more than conquerors through Christ that loves us. And it was what introduced me into this dark realm was through abuse, you know, I had suffered a series of sexual abuses by several family members as a young person, to the point that, when you're young, it's hard for you to communicate as a child. We act out because we don't have the mastery of words to communicate that there's something going wrong. People thought I was weird, because I would take my toys and when it came to play time, and I would retreat to a closet. I pretty much had all my toys in my closet, that's where my playroom was, that was my safe space. Because I'm trying to communicate that being around certain family members has been traumatic for me. And so, because of not being able to, as I develop from childhood, not being able to communicate these abuses, and later on, I would meet a psychologist who says, Well, you repress some of this stuff, and you're sure that's true. But just dealing with the visceral aspect of it, I want it to escape the pain. And I was willing to do anything and everything to escape the pain. So, while by my peer groups, I was introduced to marijuana, to wine, to beer to a variety of things, and because of what I call the hole in my soul, this damaged area, this place of dysfunction, I'm trying to fill it with something. I'm trying to stop the scenes of the abuses and the voices of the abuses and everything that has to do with them, and I'm looking for that escape, I'm looking for that “Aha!” you know, that all is well with life because I'm lacking this in me.

And so, after experimenting with some of everything, I came across this phenom call crack, and then me and it became best friends. And I became very defensive about crack usage and whatnot. Because my argument, my hard leave-a-handprint-pushed-back was, you don't know what I've been through. So that gave me the rationale and the reason and the justifications emotionally to continue on in that path. Even though there were clear as we understand and appreciate the definition of addiction pathological relationship to any mood-altering substance or behavior that has lived down in between consequences now. Surely, I had lived damaging consequences that other people could see but I couldn't see, because this is my medication, the chemicals medicate pain, right? So, this is my pain. And this is my medication, how dare you get in between me and my medication? My meds, I need my meds. Okay, I got to have my meds. Even though there was of course, the beneficial aspect, oh, I'm high. And I'm out of my mind. And in business, pleasurable, right?

Pleasurable. Until I realize that I missed me. I was living in reactionary life instead of a responsive life. Truly, this is my own choice, my own election and whatnot, but life was still going on. And it was passing me by and God did bless me with some degree of intelligence, my brain, and, through the ingestion of this drug and then the participation in the subsequent behaviors, that talent, gift and ability was in a dormant state. I wanted to awake. You know, I wanted, for lack of another term, I wanted to live. Mark, I recognized the pains were still there from the traumas and tragedies of the childhood abuses. But there was still something in my core, that awakening that wanted to live. And I had tried rehab: it didn't work for me. And I'm not against rehab. No, no, no, I'm not against rehab in any way, shape or fashion back. I'm big promoter and endorser, whatever works, works. But I've tried a lot of things. But I have to say and attest today, that Jesus fixed it for me, but I'm not just going to say to you, oh, I had to just say a bunch of Jesus off my lips. And then all of a sudden, all the pain went away, and recovery was instant. No, I had to work together with the Lord. You know, first time when I confess your sins, He's faithful and just, but the confession was more than just lip service, right? It was actually deed and truth and my deeds. If I can say, and I have a problem with this, and I have to do what's necessary for me, to be well to fix it. So, if that means to go to some support groups, if the means to get a counselor, if it means a concerted study, whatever I need to do, it needs exercise and relationship, assistance, or training or help, whatever is necessary. That's what I pursued after and next thing, I entered into this wonderful realm of called recovery.

Mark:

Yeah, you did.

Greg:

I've been going at this for 20-some-odd years now, and I'm enjoying each and every step of the way. You know, that's why I love to share my story, thank you for the opportunity to do it. Because I know that Jesus, a life or relationship with Him, a study and exploration of his work, can be transformational and lasting. But there is work we have to do. You know, so I'm a real stickler, you said recovery coach specializing in relapse prevention. I'm a real stickler with accountability and responsibility and things of that nature, because these are all the elements that resolved in healthy living.

Mark:

Absolutely. So, what Greg just gave you was a clear example, an illustration of transactional versus transformational, that Greg, you'd said it yourself? It was being transformed?

Greg:

Yes. As opposed to the transaction of well, okay, I'll do lip service, for example. But that won't translate into actual application of the recovery that you needed. So that the boundary is well, in your addiction, there were no boundaries, none. And you thought you could function without them.

Mark:

But then God gave you the boundaries within recovery, which was transformational, under his control, as opposed to your control?

Greg:

Yes.

Mark:

And that is, my friends, exactly how the control issue with all of us comes into play. And not just with crack addiction, but anything: food, or people places and things. In our next video, we're going to talk about the whole issue of relationships, and also codependency and these kinds of things. And so, Greg, thank you. Thank you. It's been good to talk about you know how the compulsive leader the compulsive area in our lives can be conquered and put back into check. See you next time.