Video Transcript: Learn About Anger Issues and Their Causes

And I have to say learning how to do because the truth is as we teach other people, we're actually teaching ourselves.  We become the pupil in our preparation for helping others reach some of their potential, and we all know that in order to reach our potential, we have to be able to manage this emotion called anger.  

So this whole subject, the next twelve sessions, are giving you very specific tools and resources that you can use to do this more effectively.  That's what we want to be able to do. 

The best way to start would be to tell you a little bit about my own personal struggles with anger and frustration because each of us has that in our life.  For example, there isn't any one of us that isn't going to face a time when we are experiencing not getting our needs met.  And when we don't get our needs met, that's when we begin to really get frustrated, annoyed, full of anxiety, and then something else kind of fits in, and that's the fear that we're not going to be satisfied with what it is we're trying to accomplish. 

So as we approach this subject, on anger management, we want to be able to focus very clearly on how we can do a better job of managing that and by doing that for ourselves, we teach it to others. And when we teach it to others, we're teaching it to us.  It's the spaced repetition that helps us more effectively deliver this message.  I'm not saying that it's about you treating yourself; that’s not what I'm saying at all.  What I am saying is, it's important for us to recognize that we need to be more effective at managing this emotion that is inside all of us.

 And I have to tell you, that anger has a positive side as well as a negative side.   And we're going to discuss all of that in each one of these sessions.   So let's take a look at what we need to know about how anger is managed in our lives. And we can do this by getting very clear on the fact that what we are doing with our anger is getting clear on the fact it is an issue; its causes, the things that that create problems for us. 

Most people behave in observable ways. And because we know this to be a fact we can observe them and observe ourselves.  And we do that in environments, we do it when we are observing someone else and we're saying I wouldn't do that, or we'd say I would do that.  When we think about the patterns that we experience in our lives, and the habits that we form in our lives, all of this becomes based upon our value system.  And so as it's based upon our value system, what we have to recognize is that we have a value system that's there for us, it’s been created by us, and it's pretty much in place. 

Now in one of the sessions, and this is further on, we will give you a diagram that will show you exactly why values are so important to us.  And it's the fundamental value that we bring to every single day that makes us who we are.  An example would be this: 

I was raised in a Christian home.  And my mom and dad believed that God was sovereign.  And so I can remember as a little boy, the very first time that my mother stepped out on the back porch and asked my dad if he was going to church with us.  And she did that and had been doing that for a very long time.  And as a little boy, I remember that happening.  And I remember the morning when my dad said, okay.  He came inside, he washed up and put some nice clothes on, and he went to church with us.   And he was in church every single Sunday after that. 

He was there on Sundays. We were there on Wednesday night for prayer meetings. And we were there on Sunday evening for the youth group.  And all of that had a real impact on my life, because I watched my mom and dad model and demonstrate for me what I needed to know about Jesus, and what I needed to know about how important it is to accept the fact that we struggle in life, and we need that resource, and we have that resource in the Holy Spirit that lives in us. 

And I have to tell you also that at the same time I was an angry young man.  I would scream and shout, rant and rave, whine, complain, I did all of this.  And I always was looking for a way to blame somebody else for my problems.  And the sad part of it is that when you try to do that, it doesn't make a lot of sense.  

So let me share something with you here. We're going to put this up. We're going to look at another slide here; just a minute.  There are two important definitions that are going to help us better understand this subject. 

Anger is a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of the feeling. 

So if we recognize that anger is a feeling, and it's something that we have to deal with, and we recognize that as a feeling, we need to do a better job of managing our feelings, we get a benefit to that.   Let's look at this next definition, because it's an important one as well.

A sharp disagreement or opposition, a clash of ideas.  An emotional disturbance resulting from a clash of opposing impulses are from an inability to reconcile impulses with realistic or moral considerations. 

Now, I realize that sounds pretty official. And while it sounds pretty official, there are things about it that we can say fundamentally. And that is, we need to do a better job of managing us. And the more effective we are at managing us, the more effective we are at helping other people manage who they are.  And we do that with God's guidance.  And that's for our whole lives. 

And I have to tell you that there were times when I got ahead of God. And when I got ahead of God, I was ending up in a bigger mess that I would have made had I gone and asked for guidance and direction, and then been patient.  The first person that you have to be patient with is you and when you're patient with yourself, there's a real benefit to that.  And the benefit comes from knowing that that becomes an important part of who you are. 

When you are in a situation where you need to be patient it comes from the fact that at some point, you look back and you say, I wasn't patient in this situation before and maybe I can do better if I'm patient in this situation now.  And if we do that, what we're doing is we're learning, because all of us are learning all the time.  And the blessings that come to us come to us from a door being knocked on.  And they say to us, Tony, pay attention to this. If we don't pay attention, guess what?  It'll come back until we do.  So that being said, let's take a look at this next slide. 

When we look at this, what we're doing is we're looking at how we have to see that if we establish objectives, the objectives are going to help us through this session.  It's going to help us through this course.  And to accept human differences as inevitable. 

You're going to be in a relationship and the relationship you're in is going to be there for you and there are going to be times when Everything is balanced.  And then there's going to time when you want to do one thing, and this other person wants to do another, and there's a little conflict.  You want to go in this direction and they want to go in that direction. 

Your wife wants to take a walk in the park, and you would rather sit in the park.  So there's a conflict. As simple as that may sound, there's a difference between what you want to do and what they want to do.  To help you lose your fear of conflict, because it's even in those tiny situations where some people are explosive, to use tools that will help protect you in a conflict situation.  So there are some very specific things that you can do to more effectively handle anger.  And you want to become more effective at solving people problems.  And it's as simple as that; and model effective anger management. 

So then the question becomes this.  How would you define fear?  

I want you to think about that for just a moment.  How would you define fear.  Because when you have a better understanding of what fear really is, it'll have a payoff for you.  And the payoff will be that you'll be able to recognize that fear creates an anxiety and a frustration in you, because the unknown is out there.  And because it's out there, and you have to manage it, and you have to deal with it, there is a benefit to understanding that fear is real, and fear is healthy.  And it also can be overwhelming. 

So if we look at some ways that are common fears, we can just examine what they look like. 

Inadequacy in a new environment.  Let's suppose you get a new job.  And all of a sudden, in this new job, you find yourself in an anxious situation.  Lack of acceptance; you want to be liked, and you don't feel like someone likes you and you'd like them to like you.  

And in relationships, fear of strangers, people who are different than you.  Economic failures, rejection, all of these, just take a look at this list and see of all of this, what, in essence, makes you fearful. 

And I have to tell you that, that when you're walking on a path in the woods, and you hear chuh-chuh-chuh, you're going to jump and when you jump, you're going to be jumping out of the way.  Now what's interesting about that is that's fearful.  All of a sudden, you've been startled; and that startle creates an anxiety for you.  Your brain acts slower than your gut reaction to that.  In other words, you're able to move away from that sound faster, before your brain can think about it because the way God made us, He made us very mentally and emotionally alert.  And part of our emotion starts in our gut; it starts in our gut reaction to something.  

In fact, in Japanese, they call it Hara – H.A.R.A.  And it's a gut reaction.  It's instinctive and it's protective.  So fear is healthy in that regard.  But fear of I don't know what's going to happen, oh, I'm a little bit worried about this …. Well, guess what?  You're depending more on yourself than you are on your heavenly Father.  And my point is, it's important for you to recognize that you can overcome fear. 

There's been a little acronym around for a very long time F.E.A.R. – fear – is False Evidence Appearing Real.  You might want to write it down.  It'll just help you in those moments when you feel overanxious and a little bit insecure.  And when you feel a little bit insecure, you start feeling guilty as well.  And guilt and fear go together hand in hand.  We're going to talk about that in one of the further sessions as well.  But for right now, just think about how important it is for you to be more effective at managing your fear and know that common fears are precisely that:  they're common.  And you need help with them.

So let's look at this.  If we were to go to the exhibited anger behaviors, we can look at what we find here that can help us.  It's the sad circle that repeats itself.  And we know that you're going to find yourself in a situation where you need some kind of a resource.   And what we have here is an example of what that resource might look like.  If we go back to this last slide and we look at this one first, there are some things that we can add to this.

This slide, you might want to write this inside the slide, the sad circle that repeats itself, write ‘accuse and threaten’. 

So just put that right in that circle.  And then at the bottom of the circle, still in the circle, write ‘find more issues to fight about’.  So when conflict arises, and conflict is one of those little differences that we described, you find more issues to fight about.  

So that little conflict can lead to the next little conflict, and they build on themselves, and the next thing you know, you're upset.  So number one is ‘find more issues to fight about’. 

‘Accuse and threaten’.  When we accuse and threaten, we generalize problems.  What you said, or what they said, or what he said.   And so we find ourselves looking for excuses. 

Number 3 in this little circle, and you're going from the bottom of the circle up because it's an escalation 1-2-3-4, you waste energy trying to get even.  Well, if you said this, I'll say this.  Well, if she said this, I'll say this.  Well, if he said this, then I better do this.  

And then finally, you enlist others to help you fight your battles.  And this is how accusation and threatening kind of builds itself. 

So I'm going to repeat those and you can make sure you write them down. 

1. find more issues to fight about

2. generalize problems

3. waste energy getting even 

4. enlist others to fight your battles 

And this is the sad circle that's of itself. 

We need to agree that anger is part of life.  And the better we handle and manage it, the more effective we're going to be. And we do that by being more effective in the way we operate.

So let me get one of my slides up here.  I'll stop right here.