Video Transcript: Communicate With Precision

Well, here we are in Session 3. And I'm very excited about this session.   I hope that you've enjoyed the last two sessions. And as we do each one of these, I hope it builds on the last. And we looked at session two behaviors, attitudes, choices and decisions. And we'll be talking about all of those components, all four of those components. 

As we move through each one of these, we made the point in last in the last session, that we need to be real clear on how important it is for us to recognize that we're going to have good days and bad days, and our behaviors are going to reflect that in some way.  And what we're always trying to do is be our best self and be our best self more often. 

The way we're going to talk about that in Session 3 here, if you take a look at what you have at the top of the page of your handout, it says – 

Communication with Precision lets you walk away from interactions with improved understanding, and even in tenuous settings where anger emerges, Communication Precision enables you to recognize … and this is what you're going to be able to recognize …

• Precise Communication Skills are essential to managing anger.  The more precise you are, and the words that you use and the expressions that you use, the more effective you're going to be. 

• Life in a sometimes-fearful world, necessitates doing things differently.  

• There are adaptable behaviors that make you ready to get better results. 

So each one of these bullet points that you see here speak to us in some way. And we need to find ways to practice in order to avoid the traps people fall into when they're angry, and ways to turn difficult situations into focused opportunities. 

All of this becomes extremely important to us.  And so let's discuss each one of these a little bit more in depth and see if we can't get a handle on how to be more precise in our communication.

If you've ever watched a sporting event, a baseball game, a tennis match, how people play golf, or soccer, any of those endeavors requires skill.  And skill happens with the development and practice of that skill.  So precise communication is not different.  It's essential to anger management. And we have to be as precise. 

So let's just take one of those sports, let's take baseball for a minute; it’s the American pastime. And in baseball, the batter gets up to bat.  Now they say that hitting a baseball is one of the most difficult things an athlete has to do.  Because this little white with red stitches baseball is being thrown by someone that's 90 feet away and it's coming in, in excess of 90 miles an hour.  And it's caught by the person behind.  And it's in that very few seconds that the person at bat has to decide whether or not to take a swing at that ball that's coming across the plate.

So if you watch a baseball player, they dig their feet into the ground, they swing the bat, they position their shoulders, they position their elbow, they position their head, and they do this repetitively.  And there's a precision to it. 

Now there's a coach who watches all of this. And on certain days, they do that better than others. And here's what we know about baseball and the precision that goes into hitting a baseball. 

We know that the baseball player who practices and prepares themself for that time when they're at the plate, getting ready to hit a ball that's pitched to them, they have put all of this synergy and all of this effort into being so precise that when the ball arrives, and it's the ball they want to see, they swing at it.  And when they swing, they get three opportunities or they strike out, or they can pass four balls, and of those four, if all of them do not go across the plate properly, they walk to first base.  So they get a free step to first base.

But they have to decide in those pitches, what are strikes and what are balls, what they want to swing at and what they don't want to swing at.  It all takes precision to be able to do that.  And the coach's job is to help them through that. 

Well, I want to coach you.  I want to be your coach when it comes to precision in your communication. And I want to give you an example of a difference that you can use, and the precision you use when you're dealing with anger. 

If someone gets upset, the precision you use in your communication needs to send the message that you're not going to be engaging in the same kind of behavior that's being thrown at you.  So you have to absolutely remain calm.  Life in a sometimes-fearful world necessitates doing things differently. 

So maybe in the past when someone started to argue with you, you argued back.  I'm going to suggest that you take a deep breath, and use the precision in your breathing to maintain your composure.  And then you might take your hand and say “stop”.  Now, to say “stop” doesn't necessarily mean they're going to stop.  But if you say, “Stop.  Stop.  Stop.  Stop.” as they talk, in the same monotone, in the same cadence, the chances of them being startled back to reality are greater.  That's one example of using precision, by using one word.

But its precursor is that you're positioning yourself behaviorally to deliver that word.  You're not going to say stop, (shouting) “STOP! STOP!  You're not going to say that.  You're going to position yourself with your breathing, to say it in the same cadence. 

That's one example. And we will use more of those examples as we go through the sessions to help you more clearly understand just how valuable it is to use precision in your communication.

There are adaptable behaviors that make you ready to get better results.  One of the adaptable behaviors is to stand erect and tall and to listen very carefully, not just with your ears, but with your eyes as well.  And watch the way their lips move.  Watch where the perspiration occurs on their face. Watch how they use their hand gestures.  Your observations are going to be very helpful to you because they are adaptable behaviors. 

Listening intently, listening actively is an extremely important part of Precise Communication, and ways to practice in order to avoid the traps.  I don't know if you've been fishing, but if you go fishing, and you put bait on a hook, you know that you're hooking the bait, and you're casting out your line.  And you're hoping that a fish likes the bait, and you catch a fish.  You hook the fish.  Alright, so let's just go back to the simplicity of the hook for just a minute.

We are all hooked by what other people say to us that gets back inside of us and causes us to change our demeanor, our behavior.  And we have to practice avoiding the traps, the hooks, that we fall into when we get angry.  So if someone's angry and we get angry back, what we've been is hooked in to their behavior.  So stop being hooked.  

Now I want you to imagine for a moment that the hook looks something like this.  Let me draw it again with my finger. It looks something like this.  Okay, so if you just take that image that I just described to you, and you turn it completely around, it looks like a question mark because now that little stem where you put the line is at the bottom and it almost looks like a period at the end of a question mark.

If you'll turn your attention to asking better questions in that moment… help me understand what you're saying; stretch that for me; give me an example; can you give me an example of what you're describing here?  Can you tell me why you're so upset?  Can you tell me why you're angry?  Help me… what you're doing there is you're avoiding the hook, you're avoiding the trap, and you're using your good sense to be able to manage that moment a little bit more effectively. And there's a benefit to that; a real benefit. 

So then we look at ways to turn difficult situations into solutions; focused opportunities.  And that becomes an important part of how you effectively manage that moment and deal with it effectively.  So what we want to do is take a look at this session again and recognize what we have here.

And then we're going to look a little closer at the four choices that we have when it comes to managing anger.  And you might want to write these down.  It's going to be important part of what you're going to be doing to manage anger. And when you as a minister as a social worker, or as a coach, you're trying to help someone, you're leading a discussion, you're leading a discussion, or you're leading a class on managing anger, you're going to want to be able to manage this as well.

So if you look at this, you want to look at the four choices -  

• You can cut and run which means you can walk away. Well, that's certainly an option.

• You can stand and argue.  But of course, this is a conflict situation.

• You can decide to embrace a positive attitude. 

• And you can learn and practice new behaviors. 

So all of this comes into play when you think about how you can more effectively manage your particular situation. 

So if you're looking at your handout, you see precise communication is effective when you build your confidence.  And you build your confidence through practice and awareness.  You become aware of the fact that “stop, stop, stop” is effective and will work.  Because somewhere along the way, you will be able to break through this person's angst and frustration and get them to respond to you.  

When you say “stop, stop, stop…”   What?  And they may still have the anger on their face, they may still have it inside them, but what you've been able to do is help them move from all of this being just emotion to something that's a little bit more managed by them in the form of trying to clearly understand more effectively what's happening. 

So turn anger energy into problem-solving energy.  And you do this through affirmation.  And you do this by using their name.  You do this by sincerely keeping your facial expression a sincere and genuine facial expression so that it doesn't upset them.  You can't look at them the way they're looking at you because when you do that, you're both in the same situation.

You win and hold consent.  “Stop, stop, stop” gives you that little win and then you hold consent by continuing to very calmly speak to this person with questions to help this person better understand that they need to hear you like you want to hear them.  I really want to understand what's upset you.  Please help me understand.  And you shake your head up and down as you do it. That's precision in your communication.

You establish and build trust.  See, anger takes away trust.  Anger takes away all of the good things that happen and occur.  And we have to be able to manage that effectively. 

And finally, you're stimulating a dialogue.  And all of a sudden this person will find themselves in a situation where, “Gee whiz, I didn't know we could discuss this as calmly as we've discussed it,” because what you've allowed them to do is you actually have given them permission to be angry and be upset, but you've also given them guidance and direction as to how to get away from the emotion they're feeling and manage their emotions more effectively. 

And that's really what Session 3 is about when it comes to Communication with Precision.  You’re communicating ways for this person to better understand how they can be effective as a communicator with you, because it's not going to work for you and it's not going to work for them because you just shut them out; we just literally turn a switch on our brain and shut them out. And we can tell them that at another time.  But what we have to first of all do is use these tools, these precision tools, just like that baseball player uses the tools. 

And this is the kind of thing that I coach.  I help people through these difficult situations because I'm a very good listener, and as a very good listener, there's a benefit to that.  The benefit is you're going to hear more.

My wife and I argued about my ability to listen.  And I thought, I teach this stuff, what do you mean I'm not a very good listener?  So one day when she said, “You never listen to me,” I said, “Stop. Stop. Stop.  What you're saying is, I never listen to you.  I need to do a better job of that.” And I shook my head up and down just like this.

And all of a sudden, her anger, her frustration, her angst with me, disappeared.  And when it disappeared, I made a commitment to be a better listener.  And I became a better listener over time.  It did not happen in a day.  It's been happening over a lifetime.  

Do I always listen well?  No.  Do I listen well more often than not?  Yes. And that's really what I'm suggesting.  You have to move from using your words only to using your words and all the other tools, all of the other resources, that will make your communication more precise.  Because precision in communication has a real benefit.  And that benefit is not just for you but it's for all of those who you interact and communicate with.

The last example here that you see in your handout is – 

Here's where we have been trying to go for the past few weeks - and you just put your own words in here - but if you look at this is where we're trying to go.  This is where we are.  This is what we've been able to accomplish.   This is what we have not accomplished.  And this is what we still have to do. 

So if you take those components in you recognize that most conversations are in that order.  This is where you want to go; this is where we are; this is what we've done so far; this is what we haven't been able to do; and this is what we want to accomplish. And you use that as an outline

for how you put your communication together, how you put your meetings together, how you put those very special important points together, so that you have more benefit. 

So, I hope Session 3 has been helpful and useful to you.  It's been helpful to me.  And every time I talk about Precision in Communication, I'm reminded that I can always do better.  I can always do better.  And that's the message that you want to convey when you teach this class.

Thanks for listening. I'll see you in Session 4.