So we're going to take a few minutes, and put some emphasis on how self-esteem helps us more effectively deal with this issue of anger.  And as we do so, let's take a look at what we have to offer.  And I'm going to position the next slide and get it ready to go as well.  So hold on just one moment, while we put that together. 

Authentic Self-Esteem, how much you like yourself, is a direct reflection of how much effort you're putting into being able to observe reality for what it is.  And when I'm suggesting you observe reality, you're looking at how you impact others.  What kind of an impression do you make on others?

And when we are developing our self-esteem, when we're growing our authenticity and our genuineness, it's because we're beginning to discard those things that do not work in our lives and replace them with things that do work in our lives.  And by being able to do that we practice the growth of our self-esteem.  And let me give you an example: 

When you do anything, when you behave in any way, shape, or form, it's going to have a reward attached to it over here.  It's going to have an outcome, that's another way to look at it, or it's going to be a consequence.  Those are some words that we can use to describe that when I make a choice, and I choose this behavior, and I do this behavior, there's going to be an outcome over here. 

Now, if we're if we're developing our self-esteem, what we're trying to do is step as far away from our ego as we can and embrace the authentic ‘who we are’ as opposed to this person that's a veneer or has a veneer on them, and they're not showing them their genuineness to someone else. 

There are some words associated with self-esteem, which I'd like to focus on for just a few minutes.  And I would urge you to write them down. 

One of the words is value judgment, two words actually.  We value judge other people which means we hold our value system up to their value system and say ours is right and yours is wrong.  So we do know the difference between right and wrong and that's a true thing, that's something to know, that you don't do these things, you do these things.  But when we hold our value system up and say that this is wrong, or that's wrong, and value judge someone, ‘Well, I wouldn't do what they're doing,’ well, you may not, but that should be an observation and a decision that you make for yourself, and you can't make a decision for them.  Everyone has to make their own decisions. That's what freewill is.  And when God created us, He created us with a free will. 

I was eight years old when I accepted Jesus as my Savior.  And I'd love to tell you that from eight years old on I've just lived that out and I continued to grow in my spiritual life. And the truth is, I lived in that spiritual dimension for about ten years and then walked away from it.  And I didn't come back till I was in my 30s.  And then I recognized that I'd made a mess of who and what I was and I came back to recognize that my self-esteem had made me suffer because my self-esteem was loaded with ego. 

Low self-esteem is high ego.  And high self-esteem is a balance and an understanding that ego is always in us but it's managed. Because we can't control it. Believe me, my ego can get out of line really quick. And it's true for most of us. And when we're looking at this anger issue and this anger management issue, we're looking at the fact that when our needs aren't met, when things aren't going the way we want or we feel insecure, our ego kind of brings itself to the surface.

I heard Ken Blanchard, he's a he's a management guru, he's absolutely a fantastic man. He's written many, many books.  But one of the things that I remember on one simple little book that he wrote was that ego is Edging-God-Out.  E-G-O, it's an acronym.  And it made so much sense to me, that when our ego takes over, we are Edging-God-Out. And we need to stop doing that, and recognize that God is sovereign. 

And when we have a vertical relationship with God, and we have a relationship that's horizontal with other people, and then we take that relationship and we build on it, and we create a network, and that network is our support group that helps us stay in alignment with God's teachings, and God's Word, God's law.  And that alignment then helps us serve the community.

A leadership role, a leadership role, ministry, counseling, social work, coaching, all of these leadership roles, mom, dad, all of that is right there for us, as a leadership role, and leaders seem to come to the surface, and leadership is serving others.  It's having a servant mentality, understanding that we're put on this earth to be in relationship with others, and be in a relationship with our Heavenly Father, bringing all of that to the community, and serving others in the community, and modeling and demonstrating what Jesus taught us, and modeling and demonstrate using his example of how we should put our life together. 

And so when I think of some words that we need to be cautious of in trying to build our self-esteem, one of those words is value judgment.  We do not want to value judge others and say I'm right, you're wrong, so it’s only a matter of time before you figure it out.  

What we have to do is accept people as they are not as we wish they were.  And when they get angry, as we described earlier, when we talked about the person who comes to us and apologizes, and they're looking for the reward of us saying “oh, don't worry about it,” and we don't want to give them that reward, we want to give them what they need. And what they need is thank you, period.  And when they continue to try to get from us the reward they've always had in the past, “oh, don't worry about it,” we're silent. 

And that's what we are going to describe when we get into this Session 7, we're going to get to there.  But I want to go back and I want to look at this value judgment; what is it?  God is the judge.  God is sovereign. 

We do not judge others.  What we do is observe their behavior, and we help them make better choices and better decisions.  And how do we do that?  By making better decisions and choices for ourselves.  And if we model and demonstrate this through the example of Jesus, what we're supposed to be doing, we're moving in the right direction.  And it'll take us a lifetime to get there. 

We have to practice what we are doing.  If doctors can practice and lawyers can practice, if chiropractors can practice, why can't we?  You see, practice is doing something repetitiously in order for us to ingrain it in ourselves.  And when we ingrain it in ourselves, the benefit is we begin to live it 24/7.  It makes all the difference in the world. 

And we have to think about, we have to think about goals for an example. They say, “Well, you shouldn't be setting goals.” Well, God says we're supposed to take this 24 hour and manage it properly.  He also tells us to prepare.  And he also tells us to prepare for the coming, the return and be prepared. 

So how do you become prepared? Well, you become good stewards of your resources, you become good stewards of your gifts and talents, you become good stewards of all that God provides you.  And if you have a family, you have to make certain that you're bringing the kind of leadership to that family that is helping them grow, stretch, and become all that they can be.

Now, all of us have had different experiences through our lives.  But what we're able to take to the next step is that experience, and we have to be able to observe it in a way that makes us say, “I want to continue this behavior, or I want to change this behavior. And so I want to do this by recognizing that I cannot judge other people, that's God's purview.  I can observe other people, And I can help them make better choices and decisions by my model in my demonstration of what that is. And as my model the best?  No.  The only best example is Jesus.”  And we all strive for that example. 

But you see, he didn't value judge.  When he sat down at that well, and that lady came out to get water early in the morning before anybody else got up because she didn't want anybody to see her because she was shy and embarrassed and had low self-esteem, He didn't say, “Oh, you’re doing this and you're doing that.”  All he saw was God's creation.  And he helped her see something in herself that she had not seen before.  And that was a genuineness and an authenticity that she took away from that conversation, and it transformed her life. 

And we have many, many, many examples of that. We also have many, many examples of anger, and how it had to be managed.  And that's all scriptural as well.  Look at Moses. 

Moses, had a hot temper, he killed an Egyptian.  And what did he do?  He ran away for 40 years. And he was tempered in that 40 years.  Did he get over it completely?  I don't think so.  If we read the Scripture, he went back to Egypt to lead the people out of Egypt, lead them out of their slavery, and he did that, and he did it reluctantly. 

Why don't you send Aaron? He's better at it.  That was his brother.  God said, “No, you're going to do it.  And your background is going to help with that your behavior and how you were raised in an Egyptian home, you'll know more about how that culture works than most people. 

Most people that are the same lineage that you are, you are a Hebrew, and you know how that operates. But you also know how the Egyptian culture operates.”  And so he was able to speak to a Pharaoh and eventually get the Pharaoh to let God's people go. 

But we still see his anger flaring up from time to time.  And it was righteous in many situations. So we're not suggesting that anger is something to be avoided.  What we're suggesting is that it be appropriately placed. And our management of anger is our responsibility. We can't control anger, we can't control the anger of someone else, we can only manage it. 

And if you recall, in one of the sessions, we said, our job is to manage the moment. And by managing the moment we stretch it into a series of moments.  And we start looking at our behaviors.  And we start looking at how we can adjust our behaviors to get the reward that we want, but to do it with an appropriate behavior. 

So the first thing that we have to do to try to develop our self-esteem is make certain we're separating people from their behavior, because they're not their behavior. 

And in Session 10, we'll give you a diagram that can lay all this out. But before we get there, we're going to focus on Session 7, and take this self-esteem that we started talking about in Session 6, and bring it right to this moment. So let's take a look at this next slide. 

Session 7, respond, react to anger. Look at the causes we see here:  Insecurity, that's a low self-esteem issue, and Unmet Needs, and Fear.  And fear we said is healthy. unmet needs are healthy. Because when we find ourselves discouraged, we find ourselves with frustration in our lives, we turn to God, and we turn to God for guidance and direction. 

Some people unfortunately, do not have that resource because they don't believe, and sadly enough, their emptiness continues to thwart any growth that they have.  Oh, they make choices and decisions, and they do all the things that we do with regard to the free will that they have, but they're not getting the same outcomes, and they're not getting the same outcomes because they're their basis for making those choices and decisions are different than ours. 

Our whole objective is to help build God's kingdom, and we do that by being part of that kingdom, and by being able to recognize God is sovereign.  And our relationship with God is important to us, and it needs to be our first relationship.  God first and all things. 

So when we look at this Session 7, and it says the emotion engendered by the person's expectation of unexpected behavior on the part of others, and this unacceptable behavior on the part of others is separating the person, as I said, from the person.  So, you would not say, “You're stupid,” because that is a criticism that goes directly to the person and is an affront to that person.  “You made a dumb mistake;” that is the same thing. 

So you have to separate the person from the behavior, which means that you always see this person as a good person, a genuine person, a sincere person, who has made a mistake, who is as done something in error, so to speak.  And if we're able to do that, we're better off; we're better able to manage the situation. 

So if we look at this diagram, it's right there, and you have this in front of you on page 11.  It says, aggressive, passive, and balance. So how do we find the balance between aggressive and passive? And we look at this and we say, aggressive would be, “I'm better than you.” That's aggressive.  “I'm smarter than you. I know more than you.”  That's aggressiveness in action. 

When we're passive, we're saying, “I'm not good enough”.  And that enough belongs under the thing, or “I'm not as good as I should be.”  And what we've done is, if you see it in your handout, you see it right in front of you there that aggressiveness is to the left, passive is to the right, balance is in the middle. 

And what we're looking for is that balanced behavior; balance in our thoughts, balance in our words, and balance in our actions. 

And we've given you one example here, and we're going to ask you to fill in the second blank there. What would be a statement you would make that would be an aggressive statement? What would you say if you were saying something that was passive? And what would you say if you were saying something that was balanced? 

And you do that with regard to your thoughts. You do that with words, “You make me angry.” Well, that's not true.  No one can make us angry.  We allow ourselves to be angry, because this person has hooked us with their behavior.  And we got hooked because we decided to be hooked. 

You say, “What are you talking about?”   I'm saying that you are totally and completely responsible for all your actions and all of your decisions, and all of the choices that you make. And no one can make you anything other than that, if you give them the control over you or the management of you, you're turning it over to someone else. 

When you say, “I can't do something,” you can't.  You're absolutely right.  You're never wrong. If you say “I can't do this,” or “I can't do that,” guess what?  That's an accurate statement because you can't.  Why do we know that?  Because we know that when you decide you can do it, you will.  So I believe “we can” is a balanced statement, and you will continue to say can't until you can. 

I always think of Audrey Hepburn.  Audrey Hepburn was a terrific actress, and this lady was a wonderful example of genuineness and sincerity.  She was very shy.  But she when she lit up, it was in front of the camera.  And she brought out her whole self.  

There are some wonderful stories about her, but the one that I think about and really resonates with me is she said that people say well, that's impossible.  The word that's impossible.  And here's what she said.  “Even the word impossible has I am in it. I am in it. I'm possible.” I, apostrophe, M.  I'm possible. 

And that's a beautiful way to recognize that you can make a slight mental shift, using a word that will help you do that.  And I think it's really a beautiful statement:  impossible. Even in impossible, I'm possible. 

And so we live this life, and we go through life, and we try to be the best we can be. And guess what?   you can try to be the best you can be your whole life, because it takes a lifetime, to grow and stretch, and find yourself in new situations and new environments and new ways to recognize this or that, or make tweaks and adjustments. 

So when you take actions, look at the actions we have here, shouting, yes, you can shout; you can be calm, or you can be silent.  

And I'm going to suggest that the last two, the calm and the silent are great.  Shouting is sometimes important as well.  We shout for joy; we shout when we're upset.  But we own the feelings and the person who's angry and says I'm angry, you can be angry by saying it. And the person who says I own these feelings, is making an accurate statement about who they are.  And if we do that, there's a real benefit to that. 

So I'm going to go back and put this back up here for you. And let's take a look at this just for another moment here.  

Aggressive behavior, Passive behavior and Balance.  Thoughts, Words and Actions.  We have to manage our thoughts, we have to manage the words we use, and we have to manage our actions, because we can't control them. 

Don't think of the color blue. Guess what happens? That's the first thing you think of.  Don't think of a dog running up a hill on a hot summer day with his tongue out, and guess what you'll do?  I want you to think of a dog and think of a dog, and guess what happens?  When you think of the dog, the dog you think about is completely different than what someone else thinks about. 

You see, our thoughts are managed by us when we decide to manage them.  And what we do then is we cast them aside when they’re inappropriate on our mind. But we have no control over our thoughts, we only have management of our thoughts. And here's a little note to make to yourself. 

If I want the situation to change, the change begins with me.  If I want my self-esteem to be more authentic, I have to let go of my ego.  And if I let go of my ego, there's a benefit to me that comes with that.  And sometimes that needs to be pointed out to us. 

I recall going to a gentleman.  I just heard his son make a beautiful presentation.  And I said to him, “I really enjoyed what your son had to say.”   He said, “That tells me a lot about you.”  And that took me a little bit aback.  It was not what I was expecting him to say.  He says, “That tells me that you understand more clearly what he said than many people”.  

And that wasn't value judgment. It was an observation.  Had he said that in a different way, it would have been a value judgment.  But the way he said it was truthful, that I was able to observe something that others might miss.  And he didn't point to any one person and compare me to that other person.  He compared me to culture as a whole. 

And so when we're thinking about how we can make adjustments to our lives, and how do we manage our lives, we do so by being connected to our Heavenly Father, connected to others through horizontal relationships, and then take the networking that we develop in those relationships, and we bring them to the community. 

And we take leadership roles.  You're a minister, you're a counselor, you're a social worker, you're a coach, you're a mom, you're a dad.  And in each one of those you are being a leader, and you lead when you recognize that leadership is not being in charge.  Leadership is being a servant to those you serve, and seeing to their best interests.  Seeing to their comfort, and trying to bring to them the connectedness that they need to recognize that you see them as someone genuine and sincere; that you see them as a whole person. 

Affirmation is another word that I would suggest you explore, because affirming others means you're making this connection by seeing something in them that they may not see in themselves, seeing a genuineness or sincerity in themselves that they may not see. And when you make recommendations or suggestions to them, they are always only suggestions. Because people have to choose and decide for themselves.

I've heard people say, “Well, he really motivated me.”  Okay, that's a direct statement, and that makes some sense.  But actually, they were motivated, because that person created a climate of motivation.  Because motivation is a motive to act.  So you give yourself the motive, and you decide to act.  And if you're doing something and it's working for you, great.  If you're doing something, and it's not working for you, it's great that you recognize it, and you change your behavior and get a different outcome. 

And always remember, that you're going from being separate from your behavior.  You and your behavior are separate.  And because they're separate, you're a whole person who behaves.  And if those behaviors are giving the outcomes you want, and they’re appropriate behaviors, keep doing them.  But if you're trying to get something over here, and it's not working for you, how can you make an adjustment in your behavior?  You do it through your thoughts, your actions, and your words.  You do that to make that adjustment so that you become more effective in what you say and do. 

So if we look at some of the words are associated with developing your self-esteem, and learning how to respond to anger, and react to anger in appropriate ways, because responding is good and reacting is good, when we're using it in the appropriate way. We want to be able to recognize the words that are associated with that.  And one of them is stop value judging other people. 

You can observe them, you can make observations, and you can have thoughts and expressions, that's great.  They need to be about you and about how you might help them see something that they may not see in themselves. That’s what teaching, that's what coaching, that's what encouragement is about. 

Affirmation is another real positive way to help people see more of who they really are, as opposed to who they think they are.  

And we have to always guard against our egos. All of us. Ken Blanchard wrote a terrific little book and in it he said, “Ego is edging God out.”  He used E-G-O, ego, as an acronym, Edging God Out. 

And the more we build on our self-esteem, and the more authentic we become, the less ego is in that equation. You see high ego is low self-esteem.  And low ego is higher self-esteem.  And people get very confused because they think high self-esteem makes them more important.  No, it doesn't. It just helps them align the difference in what they need to be doing and what they should be doing, as opposed to what they think they may be doing. 

See, if we put our body, mind, and soul in that order, it's not really the best order we can put it in. Because if we're supposed to put God first all things, we put our spirit, our soul, our Holy Spirit inside of us, living inside of us, and our communion with God as number one.  

Our spirit, then our mind; how we manage our thoughts, how we manage our thoughts and put new thoughts together based upon our experience and the things that we have in our past.  Don't live there.  But we reflect on and we correct ourselves with.  We learn from our mistakes.

I hear the expression that well I made a mistake, you know, I failed. No you didn't. You always succeed in producing a result.  So the mistakes you made have a lesson in it.  What's the lesson you're learning from it?  And if you learn that lesson, great, because what you'll do is you'll go on, and you'll learn another lesson, and there'll be a benefit to you.  And that benefit will have a payoff. So that's how we operate in this Session 7.  

We make certain that what we're doing is using the right thoughts, the right words, and the right action. You couple that with the first six sessions and the things that we've talked about the behaviors, the choices, the decisions, and the communication, that precision in our communication, you put all of those things together and what it does is it prepares us for building better relationships.  

And when we get into Session 8, we're going to talk about that some more. But I just want to sum this up by saying, just a few things that I think can be very helpful and useful to you.  And I want to share them with you and you get to choose whether they're going to work for you or not.

If you write these things down, I think they will help you.  

If I want the situation to change, the change begins with me.  You have to decide that.  If I want the situation to change, the change begins with me. 

So you write that down for yourself and you make it a mantra.  A mantra is something you repeat until it becomes automatic.  It's something you practice.  And as we said, if doctors and lawyers can practice, so can you.  

And then once you write this down, and when I'm talking to someone, eyeball to eyeball, as we're talking in this session, I would say, “We always do what we would rather do than not do.” 

And if I were suggesting that you write that down, I would write it in the first person, because it's true for you and it's true for me.  It's true for all of us.  And here's how I would write it down. 

“I always do what I would rather do than not do.” 

We're not going to change our behavior in any way, we're not going to be able to do a better job of managing our anger in any way until we recognize that it's a challenge or a problem for us. 

Moses spent 40 years trying to figure it out. And he still got angry.  And he still found himself not being able to go to the promised land because of some major mistakes that he made. But he learned from them. He learned from them. 

And we look through the Scripture and we always find these examples of our very behavior. And when we when we take it on, we recognize that we do that as well, we're as human as all those who've gone before us.  We’re God's creation. And we were created just as they were created, and we live our lives just as they live theirs. 

And their examples are examples for us, up to that great example that we got in the way Jesus lived his life, gave it for us, died and rose again, and sits with our heavenly Father; left us with the comfort of having inside of us the Holy Spirit.  And that value is found in this resource that we have, that we wouldn't otherwise have.  And when people find themselves in situations where their needs are unmet, it's sadly because they don't depend on God.  And that's where our dependence needs to be. 

I hope you've enjoyed this seventh session.  And I hope you take away that we should stop value judging, we should stop doing things that aren’t useful and helpful to us, and replace them with new behaviors, new actions, new thoughts that are going to help us more effectively manage our lives so that we put our spirit, mind, and body in the right order.  And when we do that, we start seeing the goodness in others as opposed to just catching them doing bad things.  We help catching them doing the right things and affirm them for it. 

God bless. I'll see you in Session 8.