Video Transcript: The Controller's Dirty Little Secret, Part 2

Now, one of the first things I want you to ask yourself is, do you realize that as you're going into a high controlling style of communication, you're actually attempting to build yourself up at someone else's expense? And I want you to question What's that all about? You see, typically the controller is insistent upon being in the superior position. But often we find that the more you try to be superior, you're compensating for your own feelings of inferiority. Many times if you're in a controlling mode, now, it's because you've been in a low position, you know, somebody's told you, you weren't good enough, or you didn't meet their standards, or you were criticized heavily, and it's somewhere in your life, you decided, I'm not going to let that happen. Nobody's going to tell me that I'm beneath them. In fact, if anything, I'm above everybody else. And realize there's there's a dynamic going on inside of yourself that you're going to need to address, because there's no need to build yourself up at someone else's expense. Frankly, we all start out is equal to equal. And let's see if we can remember that. 

Or if you're that controller, there's something else that I want you to consider. And that is every one of us has a certain amount of self centeredness on the inside of our personalities. The more we mature, and the more we grow, the more we learn how to set that self centeredness aside realizing that selfishness and demanding nature and egotism is actually the cry of a hurt little boy or hurt little girl on the inside. And you want to check yourself there and ask, Is there enough of a maturation process that's going on? Or do you need to learn how to contain some of that selfishness that seems to be driving your controlling behavior, the self and the self? Is this your way of saying, I have to have everything my way? And frankly, that's just not the way the world works. 

And then there's a third thing that you want to consider and that is, the controller, if you're that controller, is operating with a real sense of uncertainty with respect to how to deal with differences. It's like differences threaten you. Well, let's consider something different. This is built into all of creation, whether we're talking about nature, or whether we're talking about human beings: there's differences among all of us. It's part of a grand design. Variety is part of what is meant to be something that gives life its spice. And so your control is your way of saying well, I can't deal with different views; I can't handle it. Well, yes, you can. You've just told yourself you can, it just may mean you need to be a little bit more flexible, and then we go back to that selfishness thing. So I want you to consider, if you're that controlling person, look at some of the things on the inside of yourself. 

Now there are a few thoughts that I also want you to consider, as you're going into that controlling and forceful and bossy critical, judgmental nature towards others. First, I want you to think when you go into that control mode, and all you have to do is just listen to your tone of voice, if you're insistent, or if you're persuasive or convincing, you're in your control mode. And the question I want you to ask is, how well does this help me in the success of my relationships? And I dare say, if you look back upon your history, virtually anytime that you've been very controlling for any persistent period of time, the relationship struggles, it hurts. And so your controlling behavior is not helping the relationship at all. People want to run away from you. Is that what you're trying to accomplish? Short term? Yeah, maybe you can intimidate people into coordinating with you. But in the long run, you're going to be a pretty lonely person. 

A second thing along those lines that I want you to consider is notice what your controlling behavior does to you. You wind up being angry, your blood pressure goes way up, you wind up having a lot of bitterness and resentment. You find yourself very often in a defensive posture. Does that sound like a life that seems pleasing and helpful? And of course, if you're a controller, chances are you're blaming other individuals saying, Well, I wouldn't feel this way if they would just act the way they're supposed to act. Well, they're not. And they may never. And if that's the case, you'd have to take responsibility for you, rather than putting the responsibility for your own emotional well being on everybody else's shoulders. 

And then I want you to consider a final thought. And that is, the best way to be in control is to quit trying to be so in control. People don't respond well to the messages of condemnation or rejection or invalidation or judgment. People do, however, respond well, when you show acceptance. When you offer respect, when you speak with dignity and honor, when you show an open mindedness, you'll be amazed, if you're that controller, if you drop that convincing stuff and if you go more towards those endearing kinds of characteristics, how people are actually going to want to listen to what you have to say. 

So, let's wrap here today by saying controlling behavior speaks of a lot of tension and turmoil on the inside of that controlling person. And as you consider how you made some times go into that mode, I want you to also consider the fact that there's choice involved and you can choose to do differently. You deserve better and the people in front of you deserve better.