Video Transcript: The Controller's Dirty Little Secret - Part 1

 Now first, before I go there, I want you to think when you think of characteristics of a controlling person, what kind of characteristics or traits come to mind that usually we're going to think of qualities like forceful, overbearing, manipulative, argumentative, judgmental, critical, sometimes it can be very stubborn, they can go into quiet withdrawal. Does any of that sound like something you've lived with inside your home? And I dare say that if you have regular contact with a controller, you're going to be exposed to those kinds of characteristics. Now, how about a few other characteristics that might be pertinent to the controller? And these are characteristics they don't want you to know, about fearful, or insecure, or inadequate or wobbly? Would you ever think of those kinds of characteristics as being depicted as depicting the controller's personality? 

You see, the dirty little secret that controllers don't want you to know is deep down inside, they're terribly insecure individuals. Now, hardly any of them will say, Oh, yeah, I feel really insecure, which is why I come across in such an overbearing way. In fact, virtually none of them will say that at all. But at the same time, we have what we call overt communication, and then covert communication, that controllers in their overt communication, kind of give the aura that says, I know what's going on. I know what's right. I'm very secure in what I'm saying. And you better get on board with me, but covertly, yeah. And that's the unspoken word, you kind of have to start wondering, why are they working so hard to try to force you into their mold? And basically, it comes down to one huge thought. And that is, the controller is saying, I'm putting you in charge of making me feel good, right now. So what are you going to do to help me feel stable? That's what it's all about. Now, as you think about this, and if you're on the receiving end of this kind of message, I want you to consider several thoughts with me so that you're not going to get caught in the snare that the controller wants you to get caught up into. And basically, they're going to be kind of like a bully who just wears you down.. And finally you just acquiesce and say, okay, okay, I'll do whatever you want. Because I find that many people who live with a controller will come to me later and say, I feel like that person has stolen my identity. I'm not really allowed to be me around that individual. And I hate the way I've become I hate the way I react. 

So let's talk about a few things that you can consider so that their dirty little secret doesn't turn into a problem that you wind up having to take responsibility for. Now, the first thing I want you to consider is this, when you're with a controller, operate with an aware mind. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, I want you to go back and recognize what I just mentioned many times when we say that a controller is forceful, or they're opinionated or overbearing, but that actually speaks more of about a sense of insecurity, recognize that's what you're dealing with. That controller has a backstory. And something is going on in that person's background that that made them feel like just speaking in a normal tone of voice like I'm using right now wasn't going to work. They were probably either highly controlled themselves, or they were told what to do, or they had a very rigid system of right and wrong that they now operate out of, and in their controlling style. They basically not only learn not to trust other individuals, but they actually learn not to trust themselves. They just have to have dogmatic opinions because that makes them feel secure in the moment. But then if you ask them, why don't we just slow down, take a look at what you think and feel. Take a look at what I think and feel and let's break it down and analyze it, and then see if we can come up with a good way of coming together. It's like, I don't want to do that, because I don't want to consider you, I have to be secure. And so there's some sort of something going on behind the scenes that allows them or that causes them not to trust others, but not to trust themselves.

And then the second thought, if you're dealing with a controller is remind yourself don't get pulled into their game. One of the things that keeps the controller going, in fact, the sight and fuel to their fire, is that the more you try to go into a counter control way, then that's a cue for them to say, I'm just coming on even stronger. So one of the things that you can do to to keep the control going from that other person, if they argue with you, or you feel like you have to argue your point back, if they become stubborn and forceful, will sometimes you become stubborn and forceful in reserve, or in reverse, or if they become defensive, then you get defensive. Does that ever happen to you? Do you find yourself feeling like you've got to engage in somehow or another convince and counter condense? What if instead, you decided, I feel no need to be defensive around this person, if they want to accuse me that's on them? I'll defend. I'll explain myself once, perhaps, and given an explanation of who I am and why I think the way I do. And then once I've done that, I'm finished. And then when they give their predictable blowback, it's like, well, I don't have anything new to say, or if they want to talk about how their truth is the only truth and you do stand up once for your truth. And then they say, well, you're an idiot, okay, you have permission to think of me that way. I'm not playing your game with you. And I'm not going to get into this point & counterpoint, which is exactly what the controller wants you to do, because that keeps the game going. And then they can be forceful, and they can win.

Or third thought, use your self restraint as a positioning for your own sense of leadership and influence in that person's life. Now, I'm under no illusion that all controllers can be influenced in a healthy way. But some can. Sometimes they're just so overbearing to the point of narcissism that they just aren't going to listen to any kind of input at all. But let's suppose a person comes along, and they're way too overbearing, and they're way too forceful. And instead you maintain calm, and you maintain the level headedness. In the end, perhaps when they emotionally sober up, you've got a whole lot more clout to draw from, because whatever you do have to say in other moments about who you are is going to be received more willingly, hopefully, because you'll have maintained a sense of decency and honor. And that actually matters in a relationship. 

Or how about this? When someone comes on in a super forceful and controlling way, demonstrate a willingness to understand them. That's gonna catch them off guard, because they're expecting you to offer that counterpoint that I just mentioned. But if someone says, Well, I just think you're stupid, and you don't know what you're talking about. They're just going to come on to you, and a real overbearing kind of way. Perhaps you might say something like, Well, I know that when I think differently and have different priorities, that really does frustrate you; tell me more about why you feel that way. And then when they come on, like, Well, how am I supposed to feel when you're over there being this and they just go on and on, then I might say something like, you're making yourself clear, you're feeling frustrated, you wish that I would be A instead of B. I get it. Is there something more that you want me to know? And instead of arguing, which actually is your insecurity back, just remain calm and let let them have their temper tantrum, if that's what they're gonna do, but show some understanding to where they are. 

Now, this leads to another point. And that is that it doesn't mean you just have to stand there and take it. If a controller just keeps going on and on in their overbearing way, it's appropriate for you to set some sort of stipulation and boundary. Now let's keep in mind that the controller isn't gonna like it. But if you say something to the effect of I know, you have a lot to say, but it seems like there's a lot of repetition, I'm going to end my participation here. They may get angry, but in your participation, or if if they're going to be mean and overwhelming and like doing projects together, then I'm not going to do that project with you or things of that nature. But do be willing to set your boundaries. But again, notice my tone of voice: maintain a sense of calmness and steadiness. Now, the point I'm wanting to make here is if you're dealing with a controlling person, they're throwing all of their emotional insecurities onto you. And the key that I want you to hold on to is you're not required to receive it and you're not required to get pulled into such a counterproductive engagement with them that you wind up becoming every bit as unhealthy as them. Maintain your calm and maintain your self control, even though they want to be the one that has control over you. And in the end, as you don't go into that counter control mode, and then you show yourself to be the secure person that that controlling person is not.