Video Transcript: Giving Your Kids the "I am needed" Attitude

All right, taking control of your parenting. In this session, we're going to be  looking at how you can give your kids the I am needed attitude. Proverbs 4:23.  Be careful how you think. Because your life is shaped by your thoughts. Your life is shaped by your thoughts. If you're thinking, happy thoughts, then you're  happy. If you're thinking sad thoughts, then you're sad. If you're thinking positive, or seeing the positive things, then you will see the positive, and you'll probably  make more positive things happen. So why is this important? Human beings are the only species motivated to commit suicide by the perception. I am not  needed. I am not needed, I think it's one of the most important attitudes that you  can give to your children. The I Am needed attitude. But in order to do that, you  have to first believe that you are needed. As a parent, you need to have the  sense that you are needed. The problem is that parents have a huge need to be  needed, that is often not met. So if as a parent, you don't feel like you're  needed, so you have a bit of a self esteem problem, then you are going to be  always looking for how your need can be filled. And you'll be looking to the  needs of your children result, parents often steal their children's significance.  Parents are often in competition with their, with their parents. It I mean, normally, it should be that if the child succeeds, that the parent is proud of that, that, in  fact, the parent could even take credit for it. You are a success, because I've  helped you. Even if I didn't help you, my genes are in you. And so I get some  credit. But strangely enough, there's a lot of parents who, if their children  succeed, feel threatened by that. My child is succeeding, but I didn't succeed  like that. And I'm feeling as if we're in competition. But it all comes from this  sense that maybe they don't, I'm not needed. And, and if you if you have a need, that is not fulfilled then that is what consumes you. So you have a child that has  has the need to be needed, but your need to be needed trumps their need. And  since you're in charge, you will tend to do things that fill your need, and steal it  from your own child. Solution. Parents need to discover their purpose. As a  parent, you first have to discover your purpose is sort of like you know, when  you're on a flight, and the stewardess comes on and says, Okay, here's what we do in case of an emergency. If you know that there's a drop in pressure, and  oxygen masks will drop, first, put it on your own face, then on the face of your  children, because if you don't survive, they're not going to survive. So the first  thing that you need to do is as a parent is discover your purpose. What is your  purpose in life? What is God calling you Ephesians 2:10. We are God's  workmanship. The word there, translated workmanship is literally poem. We're  God's creative endeavor, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God  prepared in advance for us to do there's a purpose that God has in mind for you. You need to discover what that is so that you feel a part of God's purpose, His  kingdom, His work, two discover your parents need to discover their gifts and  use them. Okay. So as a parent, you need to figure out what your gifts are. It's  you if you know what your gifts are and you're using your gifts, then you're going

to have no trouble recognizing gifts in your children. You'll have enough self  esteem that it's not all about you anymore, and you can focus on them. I  Corinthians 12:12, the spirit's the spirit's presence is shown in some way in each person for the good of all. He gives a different gift to each person including  parents. I Corinthians 12:27. Now here's what I'm trying to say all of you  together are the one body of Christ, and each one of you is a separate and  necessary part of it. That's that sense of belonging. I'm a separate and  necessary part of it, that is the essence of feeling like you are needed that you  belong. Okay? So first you need to believe in yourself, you have to believe that  you're needed, then secondly, in order to get your child to believe that they are  needed, you first have to believe that they're needed. If you don't believe that  they're needed, then it's going to be hard for you to convince them that they're  needed. Well, how do you do that? Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, Let the little  children come to Me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Jesus thought that the kingdom belong to them, somehow  they are needed. When we belong to things, we're needed in those things.  When you belong on a team, you're needed on that team, when you belong in a  family, you're needed in that family. If you belong to a business, then you're  needed in that business. Finally, help your child believe he or she is needed,  okay, you first have to believe that you're needed. And then you need to believe  in your child. And then you need to somehow communicate that you need to  help your child, it does no good if you believe your child is needed if your child  doesn't believe that they're needed. So here's the problem. Kids today often feel like liabilities, not assets. Why is that? You know, if you go back in history,  people were on the farm. And generally people had his parents had as many  children as they could, because they needed as many workers as they could get loyal workers that they could count on. So they had all kinds of children,  because the work was was you know, it was unrelenting. There was always stuff to do, and, and kids started working at a very young age, you can walk, you can  work, you can talk, you can work. So, children were absolutely necessary, they  were assets, the family income would go up if you had a bunch of children. Well, today, the family income does not go up. If you have a bunch of children, the  family income goes down, if you have children. Children are seen more as a  liability, they cost money. School and clothes and activities and everything that  kids need. food, and then space in your home, they heat the home all these  things. The more kids you have, the more costly the whole thing is. And it's hard  for kids not to feel that, that they're really a liability in the family, not an asset.  Kids today often feel like they do not belong. If our children do not find a positive place, by the way, if our children did not find a positive place to belong to where  they feel needed, they will find a negative place. Kids aren't assets in the family.  And then often they don't feel like they belong. You know, there's the in crowd at  school, there's the in crowd on the sporting team. And, and that's very, that's a 

very narrow band, most kids feel outside of the inside. In fact, a lot of kids on the inside feel outside the inside. Most kids regardless of how at the center, they  may look like they are feel like they're the out side. So if kids can't find a positive place to belong, where they're needed, hey, we need you. You're a needed part  of this team. Then they will look for any place that needs them. And that's how  kids often get into trouble. Because the people smoking pot, for example. They  accept everybody, the people drinking a lot except everybody. We don't care  who you are. We don't care if you're any good at anything or not. Because you  don't have to be any good at anything. so often kids are are vulnerable to being  picked off by negative people who want them to join their group and be a part of  their thing. If children do not find a positive place to belong, where they feel  needed, they will find a negative place. Okay? Solution, what do we do about it? What do you do about it? As a parent, instead of giving your kids instead of  giving to your kids, let them give. Parents are always giving. They give you food, you give me clothes, we give you opportunity, we drive you here, we take you  there. Instead of giving let them give II Corinthians 12:27. If you give a little, you  will get little. If you give a lot, you'll get a lot. Okay, why give a little? In some  ways, as parents, we think we are the only ones in the position to give you have  a five year old, what's he going to give you? I don't know. What is it? What can  he give you? You're getting kids to share. Having you know what, why shouldn't  kids buy their parents a birthday present? Or a Christmas present? No, you  don't have any money. You have very little money. We're the ones with the  money. We'll buy you all the presents. Why? Teach them to give? See your  needed here what you contribute is appreciated. If we give them the sense that  they have nothing, and what they give is so insignificant, it doesn't matter. Then  they have the sense like well, I guess I'm not really needed. Instead of lecturing,  listen to them. He who answers before listening - That is his folly and his shame. We often don't listen to our kids. We're off. We're often coaching, directing,  directing, telling them what to do, telling what they did wrong. Telling to listen  telling them what to do. What did we just listen to them? Hey, you see, when you listen to your child, you're telling them that they have something to contribute? I  want to I want to learn about that. Tell me what you learned at school? Really?  Could you tell me more about that? That's so interesting. Wow, you're so smart.  Thank you for sharing with that, sharing that with me. When you can learn  something, let them say what it is, and, and take what it is maybe you can use  what they just said. See that communicates to them that you know, maybe they  have something to contribute at a very young age. My parents, you know, were  listening to me, and they were taking my advice. See, if a kid starts feeling that  way at a young age, then maybe as he grows up, he thinks, you know, he goes  out into the world, maybe I have something to contribute. People would be  blessed to have me on their team. Right instead of lecturing with the finger  listening. Number three, instead of chores, give them challenges. Give them 

challenges, II Thessalonians 3:10. For even when we're with you, we gave you  this rule if man will not work he shall not eat. That's a challenge. You want to eat  work. Chores are these things you got to do. All right. We gotta have someone  clean the bathroom. Go ahead. We got to have someone mow the lawn. It's your turn. You got to clean up your toys. You've got to wash the dishes. You've got to  you know we're always giving them these these instructions of what they do  now, what's the difference between a challenge and a chore? You know what  the biggest difference is? A chore is easy. Can we tend to give our kids easy  things? Okay, clean up your toys. Okay, wash the bathroom. Okay, you know,  when they're when they're young, we give them things to do that someone half  their age could probably do. And as they get older, you know, we're always  giving them stuff to do that they could have done at half the half the age. So  we're finally getting them to mow the lawn for example when they're 15. They  could have done it at age 10 It will finally teaching them how to cook when  they're teenagers. Why can't a seven year old learn how to cook. See, it  becomes a challenge then see if If you if you give a difficult chore to a child  who's young, it's now seen as a challenge. Look at little kids when they're two,  three years old, we buy little lawn mowers for them these little plastic things and  the kids want to do it. They want to help. My granddaughter helps her father  make coffee every single morning, she is part of the making coffee group. She's  only two. Okay. So giving kids challenges. When I was 15, we moved out to the  farm and, and when I was, I think 17, my dad wanted to get into the veal  business, he wanted to build a barn. And instead of ordering the concrete in the  big cement mixer, he decided I'm just going to get a pile of gravel, a pile of sand, bags of cement, and two shovels, wheelbarrow and a cement mixer. And he said to my brother, and I hear you go, you guys get to do the floor of the barn, one  shovel at a time. Okay, he was teaching us something. But it was also  communicate us teaching us responsibility. It was teaching that that that little by  little anything can be accomplished. But also, he was letting us have a feel like  we're needed here. We're a necessary part. We moved out to the farm. And you  know, my dad taught us how to milk the cows and then the next day he went off  to work, then he was communicating to us you are needed, you are absolutely  needed, this farm could not exist without us. And the whole reason why he  moved mout to the far, because he wanted us to have that sense. So I still have  that sense. I am a capable person that is needed. I'm a needed person, which  makes me feel that sense of like I belong. All right. I Corinthians 9:26. Paul says  I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I fight to win. I'm not just  shadowboxing or playing around like an athlete, I punish my body treating it  roughly. See, these are all the words of challenge. You know, my father, when  my brother and I were teenagers, and we were in sports in school. You know,  we're in football, and basketball, baseball, all those things. And he would go to  some of our games and cheer us on. But then when we would work, you know, 

you were on the farm and we're working. He would say something like, could  you go get the hammer, and then he would add and run like you're on the  football field. Because at the workplace, we would be like, gotta go get the  hammer, right? In the sporting world, we were in a we're willing to do anything.  You, you look at kids, they can't clean up their room, they can't clean up the  garage. They're tired just doing anything around the house. But then they go to  school, they join a sporting team, and the coach is working them to death, and  they eagerly go the next day. So what's the difference? The difference is  purpose. See, that's what Paul's saying. I'm like an athlete, I have a purpose.  And because of this purpose, I'm willing to do all these things. I'm willing to  punish my body, I'm willing to treat it roughly, I'm willing to do the training.  Because otherwise I fear that after listening others in the race, I might be  declared unfit in order to stand aside. I want to belong. I want to be needed. The power of that feeling of needed cannot be understated. People, people need to  have that sense. They need to be needed and they need that sense of  belonging. Okay. What else can you do to give your kids that sense that they're  needed instead of directing ask for their advice. You know, I'm not saying you  never direct your kids. Of course you direct your kids, your kids don't know  everything and you have to tell them but instead of incessantly directing them on every little thing. Can you ask them once in a while for for their advice? Hey,  well, how do you think we should do this? I mean, even a two year old, a five  year old. Hey, how should we clean up the mess here? How should we do the  dishes? How should we clean the bed? How should we make the bed? How  should we clean the room? How should we make the coffee? How should we  you know bake the cookies? What what do you think we should do first?  Proverbs 15:22 plans go wrong with too few counselors, many counselors bring  success. That's true with your children as well. Have a little humility instead of  always being right, that being the one in control, always in charge a lot of  parents have that they have that need to be in charge. And they're using their  kids to fulfill their own needs. Okay? Let your needs step aside. Look you make  your kids can have the sense that they can actually do things that they can  contribute. See, that's the whole point. How do we get our kids to have the  sense that they can contribute? Number five, instead of pokes give them  strokes. Fathers don't exasperate your children coming down hard on them, take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the master. Now, of course,  discipline is the thing that you have to do. And sometimes there's things that you have to say, kids don't have things figured out. And so you'll have to correct and  you'll have to direct. But can't you once in a while, encourage, try to catch them  doing something right. Hey, thanks for doing that the family really appreciates  that. I appreciate that. You know, when you clean up your room, it helps the  whole household feels better about it. When you clean after yourself, and you  take care of things, and and you put things in the laundry basket and you wash 

your own clothes, you take care of your sister, your brother, that you our family  couldn't do what it does without your help to say those kinds of words to your  children. How are they going to know that they're needed? Unless you tell them  introduce your child to the God who wants both of you on the team. Okay, God,  God could have done everything himself if he wanted to. Okay, God, God didn't  necessarily need you and I but he created a world where he said, I'm gonna let  you guys do stuff. I mean, it's interesting that even Jesus, He came, He  ministered for three years, he died on the cross, he was raised again. And then  he ascended into heaven. I'll send my spirit, but you guys are on your own. He  told the 12 the 11 disciples, and they got another one. He said, You guys, I want  you to build the church. Aren't you going to stay? No. You want us to do it? Yes.  But we're Who are we? We're tax collectors. We're fishermen. We're, you know,  who are we? Yeah, well, you're the ones I chose. You can do it. I need all of you. And I need all the people that you reach, reach people in such a way that they  can reach other people, and the whole thing will explode all over the world. And  that's what happened. That's what's happened. You look all over the world.  There's churches all over the world, every little place you go, there's a little  church, and it's a little church. And you go in and you wonder how it can exist.  Because the Leadership isn't that great. And you know, they don't have all that  they need, and they're not paying their pastor enough and you know, all over the world. And yet, the church keeps multiplying, and multiplying, and multiplying.  Why? Because everyone in those little churches is needed. It doesn't work  without everyone contributing, using their gifts for the kingdom of God. Introduce your child, to the God who needs who wants your child on the big team.  Ephesians 1:11. It is in Christ that we find out who we are, and what we're living  for. I mean, that sentence alone. In Christ, we find out who we are, and what  we're living for. Long before we first heard of Christ or got our hopes up, he had  his eye on us. Communicate these kinds of words to your children. God had his  eye on you, my son, my daughter, before I knew that you were coming. He had  designs on us for glorious living. Part of the overall purpose is working out in  everything, and everyone, including your child. Your child, your child matters.  Your child counts. The Church of Jesus Christ needs the gifts and abilities that  God is giving and is preparing for your child. The church needs those things.  The church will be less if your child is not a part of it. And your church, your child will not be a part of it unless you as a parent, start communicating these kinds of things to your child help them have a sense that they are needed.