Video Transcript: The Skill of Self-Discipline

Taking control of your parenting, teaching your kids discipline. probably thinking, yeah, that's, you know, finally, we're getting into a subject that I really want to  learn something about. But what is self discipline? First of all, to understand  what self discipline is, kids have to understand that there's up front cost to  things. You don't get the end product without putting in some work in the  foreground. In the beginning, if you want to get in shape, you don't just you don't just somehow get in shape, you have to put in the work. And, and maybe it takes a long time before you actually achieve what you really want. It's like, you know,  you plant an apple seed, and then you got to water it, fertilize it, and then it  becomes a plant, but you still have a lot of work and a lot of years to go before  you finally get the fruit. Now kids have a, they have a hard time with that. How,  how, how, how long do we have to wait? Kids, kids have no concept of the  future, you know, so when we tell them, Okay, you need to go to school, you  need to get good grades, because one day you'll need a good job that is so far  in advance, they, they can't see the cause and effect of that. So you have to  teach them in small little ways that when you do this, something good happens  in the future. There's a hope of a good payoff. Okay, kids have to have a real  sense that putting sacrificing now that's what discipline is self discipline, it's  sacrificing now, for something better later, than they've done these studies.  There's one study about the marshmallows, they brought these kids into a room. And, and they were told look, you can you can eat one marshmallow. Right  away. But but if you wait, if you wait with that Marshmallow, and you don't eat  the one right away, you wait until I come back, you can have two, I'm gonna  walk out of the room, and you can have one right away if you want. But if you  wait until I get back, you're gonna have two. So they did this study, and some of  the kids ate one, some of the kids waited and got two, then they waited with  these kids, the same kids, they, they researched them many years later when  they're adults. And they discovered that, on average, the ones that waited, that  had discipline, self discipline, to wait and get the two marshmallows instead of  eating one right away. We're more successful when it came to business and life  and family and marriage and so on. So we need to teach our kids to wait teach  our kids to sacrifice now for something good in the future. So there has to be  some kind of payoff, they have to understand that the connection between work  and payoff. Number three, the whole thing is self imposed. self discipline is not  someone else telling you what to do. So a lot of our lot of our parenting, the  whole thing is self imposed a lot of our parents is, is we're telling the kids what to do. We're telling them, you know, to put their clothes on, we're telling them to  study, we're telling them the you know that they're going to miss the bus, we're  telling them, it's time to go to church, we're telling them it's time to get up. We're  telling them to eat their breakfast. We're the ones in control of the discipline, do  this, and then some good thing will happen. self discipline is when the kid does  it. Can you imagine? Can you imagine your kids just cleaning up their room on 

their own? See, no. So what happens is we have to tell them, and we have to  tell them again and again and again and again because they don't listen. They  don't want to clean their rooms. See self discipline is when your child  understands the payoff of a clean bedroom. And they themselves take it upon  themselves to do it without you telling them I know you're as a parent, you're  going really is this even possible? Yes, yes it is. Okay, so, what are your greatest fears if your child grows up lacking self discipline? Okay, if your kids grow up  and they don't have self discipline, what's going to happen in their life? One fear  is that your child will waste his or her life. Proverbs 10:5, a wise youth makes  hay while the sun shines, but what a shame to see a lad who wastes his hour of  opportunity. When I was 15, my parents moved moved us to a farm and so now  we're milking cows and, and in the summer we had to hay. And you had to hay  when the sun was shining, you needed a three, four day period, because you  cut the hay, then the hay needs to dry for two, three days, and then you rake it,  and then you bale it. And if it rains in there, then you get really heavy bales, then they get hot, they turn into fire hazards and all kinds of problems. So when it's  good weather and the hay is ready, you gotta make hay, you gotta make the  time. How do we communicate to our kids that this is their time, this is their hour. This is their, their moment in the sun on this earth. They get to make hay with  their lives, while the sun is shining, if they don't have discipline. So if you don't  have discipline, you don't have self discipline, you're being disciplined by  everybody else. Everybody in your life is telling you what to do and how to do it.  Your boss, your spouse, your kids, the community, good people, bad people are  telling you how you should live your life instead of you. Taking control you  figuring out who God has made you to be what your gifts are, and then doing  what God is calling you to do. You comics, doing all your work on a machine that is also your television, your telephone, your mail carrier, your newspaper  encyclopedia, and record collection should not be a problem as long as you  have self discipline. self discipline ha ha. Okay. We live in such an ADD world  where things are coming at our children from every corner. Just think of the  again, the computer it does everything. It could go everywhere. How do you  focus and just do something, you have to have self discipline, because there's  so many distractions in our lives. And if your kid doesn't have self discipline, he's going to be distracted. And he's never going to get anything done. Little Calvin  and Hobbes, Hobbes says to Calvin, do you have an idea for your project yet?  And Calvin says, No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity,  like a faucet, you have to be in the right mood. And Hobbes says, what what  mood is that last minute panic? Yeah, that's that's how we often do things.  Instead of being disciplined about something and getting it done. We, we put  things off, put things off, put it on the back burner, do what's in front of me right  now the urgent what people are expecting me. And I put everything off on the  back burner. But eventually those things come back to me. And usually, we have

no time to do them. But in some ways, that's what we learn. I learned that I went through college and university, and in grad school, that way I sort of would do  what's next. It's not a great way to live. It's, it's a pressure, you're always under  pressure. And you're always you're always accepting mediocrity, because you  don't have time to really do a good job. Number two, our fear is that your fear  might be that your child will lose or her life. Proverbs 5:23, he will die for a lack  of discipline and led astray by his own great folly, why die? If kids do not have  self discipline, then they will be disciplined by others. They will be pushed and  shoved by others. And if they have great people in their life, well, then it would  be great. But if they have destructive people in their life, then that is what's going to happen. Oh, man, it's three in the morning, I should really get off the  computer and go to bed an hour later there he is. Okay. Again, if we don't have  self discipline, then the circumstances around us are going to dictate what we  do with our life. And there's a lot of negative circumstances around your child's  life. The drug pusher is going to be pushing his agenda. And your child has to  have the discipline to say well, no, that's not for me. Okay, two of the most  common mistakes that parents make when they're trying to get kids to have self  discipline number one is too strict. Colossians 3:21 fathers do not embitter your  children or they'll become discouraged. Okay. We're too strict. We're too. We are dictating to our kids at every turn. Now Now kids don't know a lot of things. So  as parents, we have way more experience, we know how things go. And when  we see our kids going down the wrong path, we want to correct them. We want  to direct them. We want to cajole them, we want to push them, we want to shove them. Why? Because we know the story, we know what's going on. But but but  then it's, it's easy for a child to just sit back and go, Okay, fine, you run my life, or they get resentful. You know, Dad, Mom, you're always pushing, you're always  shoving, you're always telling me what to do. You're always giving me that  feeling like I can't figure out anything for myself. too strict. The opposite problem  is being too permissive. Proverbs 29:19, sometimes mere words are not  enough, enough discipline is needed, for the words may not be heeded. Have  you found that to be true? Your words are not heeded, clean up your bedroom,  eat all your food, sit down in your chair, all these things that we tell our kids, and  then they just look the other way. So I see, I see both things happening with with parents and their children. You know, actually, it sort of bounces back and forth.  Parents are often too permissive. They say things, they threaten, they don't  follow through. And, and, and, and then the kids start getting away with thing.  And then all of a sudden, the parent comes down like a hammer. And what's  happening is it's all inconsistent. So parents that are permissive, then all of a  sudden come down, and they're too strict, or people that are too strict are too  strict. And then they get permissive, it goes back and forth. They feel guilty  about being strict. So sometimes, parents can sort of bounce between both of  these things. What kid what kids need to acquire self discipline? So what are 

those things? II Thessalonians 3:10, for even when we were with you, we gave  you this rule if man will not work, he shall not eat what our kids need to acquire  discipline. They need to understand that there's a there is what you do. And then there's the consequences of what you do, and that there's a connection between these two. Okay, if you if you don't study, then you don't do well on your test. If  you don't clean your room, then you can't find stuff. If you don't eat your food,  then you get in trouble or you get no dessert. There's the that there's  consequences. If kids are allowed to experience some of the pain of their poor  choices, then they realize, okay, if I do this, then this bad thing happens. If I do  this good thing, then this good thing happens. What kids need to acquire, they  need to know the cost. Okay, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Kids need to  know what the cost is. They need to know the payoff. They need to know the  cost, they need to know the payoff. So let's say you have a teenage son or  daughter, and you say, you know they're going out. And you say you have to be  home by 11 o'clock. Gotta be home by 11 o'clock. And, okay, a lot of times, that's all parents say. And then the kid comes home at 11:30. And now what now  yelling and screaming and, and punishments that, that you figure out on the  spot. And of course, the kid didn't know what those things were upfront, and now they think it's unfair, and they're not learning a thing. Let the kids know what the  upfront cost is. You come home after 11 o'clock. That means you have to work  with me for four hours on Saturday. Okay, that's the cost. I'm letting you know  upfront. Okay. The kids need to know the payoff. If I obey, then what? Well, then, you know, maybe we'll relax some of the rules that we have around here. If you  prove to me that you can actually be a child that, you know, we can count on.  You know, we give you things and you follow these rules, then maybe we'll relax  some of these rules. Okay, so they need to know the cost. They need to know  the payoff. Kids need to know the connection between the two. If I do well, then  this is the good thing that happens if I don't do well. This is the bad thing that  happens. So what do we do instead? We don't want you we We don't let them  know the cost. And then when they disobey, they come back at 11:30. We yell at them for half an hour, and we make up stuff. What? What could we do instead?  See if we, we give them the upfront cost? Look, if you come home late, then you have to work with me for an hour or for four hours on Saturday. Okay, that's,  that's it. And if you come home on time, maybe we'll relax some of the rules.  Okay, so they've heard what you said, they agreed to what you said. And now  they come home a half an hour late. Now, instead of meeting them in the  driveway, all angry, yelling and screaming, you just say, Hey, I see you chose to  work with me for four hours on Saturday, great, because I need help on  Saturday. And then you walk in and go to bed. You gave them a choice, they  made their choice. It's not the choice you wanted. But you told them what the  costs were. You told them what the payoff was. And they decided that it was  worth the cost. Okay? So honor their decision. And you know what, on Saturday 

when they're working all day, while their friends are doing something, they'll be  thinking, Hey, maybe next time, maybe I'll come home that half an hour cost me  a lot. What kids get, if they acquire self discipline, they acquire character,  Hebrews 11, 12:11, being punished isn't enjoyable while it's happening. Amen. It hurts. But afterwards, we can see the result a quiet growth in grace and  character. Discipline hurts. And self discipline really hurts because now you're  the one that has to do it to yourself. So I know with kids at first you have to just  discipline them. Okay? Otherwise, everything falls apart. You have to have some discipline in your home. And you have to have rules, kids have to understand  the connection between, you know, following through and doing what they're  told, and the rewards and punishments that come if they do, or they don't do  those things. They have to understand those things, but eventually you have to  move beyond just discipline. Because you're not going to be with your child their whole life. They're going to be leaving the nest. And so at some point, they have  to internalize all the discipline that you've been giving them, they have to be  motivated to be self disciplined, so why not start to teach that early on? Okay,  other verses James 1:2-4, whatever trouble comes your way make it an  opportunity for joy for when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to  grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed will be strong in  character and ready for anything strong in character that comes through pain.  That's what discipline is. That's what self discipline is, self inflicted pain, I'm  going to do without now for something better later. But there is a reward. II Peter 1:4, and by the same mighty power, God has given us all the other rich and  wonderful blessings. He promised, for instance, the promise to save us from the  lust and rottenness all around us, and to give us his own character. God's dream for your child is that your child would have the character of Christ. All the, all the  things that we know about Jesus, how he was a, he was strong against those  who would abuse God's principles. And he was kind to those who were weak,  kind to those who are struggling. He was wise, he was kind, he was  understanding. He was bold. He was daring. He was encouraging. All those  things that Jesus is. That's what we want for our kids, isn't it? And that's what  comes when you help them become self disciplined. Number two, what's the  benefit of a self discipline, life? Glorious, living Ephesians 1:11. It's in Christ that  we find out who we are, and what we're living for. Long before we first heard of  Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for  glorious living part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and  everyone. So teaching your kids that they are part of God's purpose that that we don't have time to be wasting our lives. We only have this one life that God has  given us. Your child has one life God has given you this child to prepare this one child, this child, or children, whatever you have, so that they can figure out who  they are, how God has gifted them, what God has planned for them for their  purpose. Giving your kids that sends all the time. In Part of that is teaching them

to be self disciplined, that good things happen, when you postpone good things  happen, when you're willing to pay an upfront price for something good later.  Final note, there's really no such thing as self discipline. Okay, I've been talking  about how kids need to, you know, in themselves, you know, be willing to  sacrifice but in some ways, that never happens. Three things are needed. In  order for a person, a child, you, anybody to have this thing that we call self  discipline. Number one, you need accountability, without accountability, known  as self discipline. So self discipline is when you take something on, okay, I take  something on, I want to learn, I want to lose weight, I decide that I'm going to be  self motivated to do this. But I will not succeed unless I get someone to hold me  accountable. So it's the same thing with our kids, teaching them to be self  discipline, to you know, study first, before they play, all these things are good,  but they need accountability. But see, if you can get your children to come up  with their own goals. What is it you want to do with your homework? What is it  you want to do with your room? What is it you want to do with the things that are going on in your life? Okay, if you can help them figure out what their goals are?  See, then you can step in and hold them accountable. Okay, so what kind of  accountability can we put into this? The the kids, you know, kids are smart. If  you give them a chance, they might actually come up with the goals that you've  been pushing on them. See, when you push, see, then you're the you're the the  discipline. And generally, when people push from the outside, the goal of the one being pushed is to get away. But when you help someone, own their own goals,  so having your kids on their own goals, then you step in and hold them  accountable. And then encouragement, hey, Wow, good job. It looks to me like  you know, your plan of studying first before you go out and play is really working off, I've seen your grades go up. See, if you can get your kids to own some of  their own decisions about their life. Then when something good happens, you  encourage that or when they struggle or when they fail. It's like you can do it. I  know you can do it. words of encouragement. Power, okay. In order to sacrifice  you need strength and the strength has to come from somewhere. It doesn't just reside within us. The New Age concept is well, all good things are inside. No,  they're not they have to come from somewhere. II Timothy 1:7, For God did not  give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, and love and self discipline. self  discipline is a gift. It's something that God gives. So as a parent, what should  you do? As a parent, you should be asking God for this gift for yourself and for  your children.