Video Transcript: The Skill of Communication

All right, taking control of your parenting. In this video, we're going to be looking  at communicating with your kids. The number one complaint to problems in  business, in government, in marriage, in friendship, in family is there is a lack of  good communication here. Doesn't matter how big or small the organization is, if there's problems within an organization in a family, in a small organization, if  there are problems, somebody's going to say, it's because there's a lack of  communication, I don't know what's going on around here. Today, we're living  under a flood of digital communication. Okay, we're be it's an onslaught, it  comes at us from everywhere. Every device we own every digital device we own can communicate to the internet, the internet communicates to the whole world,  we were connected to the whole world, if your son or your daughter has a iPad,  or a phone, that that can Wi Fi connect to the internet, he can look anywhere we can, we can, we can get information from anywhere, we can YouTube things on  how to do almost anything. Then there's then there's movies on demand, we can watch any movie that we want. Music. Every every family member has their own music, list, their own playlist. And you can listen to any music in the world. So  one son is listening to this and other is listening to that mom is listening to the  other thing, dad is listening to something else. When we watch movies, we don't  do it together as a family anymore. Each one does what they want to do. The  digital world has made it so everyone can access and do exactly what each  person wants to do. You don't have to do it with someone else. You don't have to compromise. You don't have to you okay, well watch what you want to watch.  No, everyone can do what they want. And the confusion of the mass digital way  of communicating with one another. Someone sends me a request and I don't  have time to look at it right now then two hours later. I can't remember. In what  form it came to me was it emailed to me was it texted to me? Some people have two different email addresses. What is it message to me? You know, and I'm  looking all over the place. Because I can't remember where it came from. Or if I  want to communicate to a whole group of people invite people to something,  what do I use? Some people are on Facebook, some are on Instagram, some  are on this, some are on that site, we have all these unprecedented ways of  communicating with one another, but it's harder than ever to communicate,  because there's so many forms in the church world. what form do we as leaders  in the church use? How do we connect with people? It's, it's really difficult. So  it's, it's, it's, it's on the one hand, it's it's designed to connect us. But in some  ways, it disconnects us just the same. And because because of you know, the  whole digital way of connecting, we can niche market, we can isolate ourselves  with people who like and think exactly like we do. No longer do we have to put  up with people that we we don't connect with. So it's isolating people into their  own special interests. And it's getting harder and harder for people to just get  along with one another. Anyone that thinks anything differently, then, you know,  we don't know how to handle it, we have no practice. Well, we're going to 

explore how we can as parents, or you know, if you're trying to help someone,  maybe you're helping a parent, do some of this build meaningful communication  into our family life, we're going to use two building metaphors. To help us in our  thinking we're going to use walls. And it's a building we build walls, or we build  bridges. Alright, so how to build walls. You can build walls in your family by doing these things. Number one by yelling by talking really, really loud. Yelling is not  only volume, but it's also anger. Okay, generally when we're yelling at someone,  we're angry now, there are some exceptions your son, your son or your  daughter, little son or your daughter goes running into the busy street and you  yell at them to get back. That's a warning. That's an emergency and you want  them to know that this isn't really important. Okay, that's different. The yelling I'm talking about is when you're frustrated with your child when you're angry at your  child. And instead of just communicating what you want to say, you think the  volume and the anger is going to make things happen more. Colossians 3:21  fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. The truth is that yelling really doesn't work. Kids. See, we have to understand as parents  that our children know us very well. They may know us better than we know  ourselves. So when you tell your child Hey, clean up your room. They know that  means that doesn't mean I have to do it right now. Now you think that's what you mean. But they know that's not what you mean. So they keep playing, they keep doing what they're doing. And then you say, Hey, I told you to clean your room.  That still doesn't mean that you have to clean your room right now. Look, I'm not gonna tell you again, You better clean that room. Okay, they still know that they  have time that doesn't. I know. It's, you know, things are escalating, but that  doesn't mean I have to clean the room yet. Look. I, did I tell you. I wasn't gonna  say this one more time. Yeah, you did. But how come you're saying it one more  time? See, we say things like that. I'm not going to tell you again. But that just  means I'm going to tell you five more times. And on the fourth time, maybe  they'll listen, see, they know, they know how many steps there are before they  have to do something. Okay. They, they know, they've been down this road so  many times before. And even though they couldn't articulate it, they instinctively  know when to act and when not to act. So yelling really doesn't motivate and  doesn't it does it. People that yell keep yelling, I'm going to tell you again, I'm not gonna tell you again, I'm not gonna tell you again, I'm not gonna tell you again,  they keep saying that. And they're yelling, and they're getting louder and louder  and louder. But it doesn't mean anything. In fact, yelling only demotivates if  you're gonna yell at me to do something, I really don't want to do it. You think  about when you work for someone, if a boss is always yelling and screaming at  everybody. They doesn't work. You know, in the United States here, when a  policeman pulls you over, he doesn't have to yell at you. You can very calmly  you know, take out his little pad and go. Well, it seems like you were speeding.  So why are you speeding? Well, you know, and then I have give some excuses, 

and it keeps writing. So well. I'm gonna give you a little ticket here. Hopefully  you don't speed anymore. He doesn't have to yell. He doesn't have to scream.  In fact, if he yelled and screamed at you, you would drive away thinking that that guy, you know, this is unfair. Maybe I should fight this ticket. But if he's calm just  writes up that ticket. And he says here you go have a nice day. Now you drive  away thinking man, I gotta stop. I gotta slow down. I got I don't want to. I don't  want to keep getting tickets. Yelling takes away from what you want to do. It  builds a wall. Not a bridge. Number two, nagging. How can you build a wall?  Nagging, criticizing, correcting and directing? Ephesians 6:4 And now a word to  you parents don't keep scolding and nagging your children, making them angry  and resentful. rather bring them up in a loving discipline. The Lord Himself  approves with suggestions, suggestions and godly advice. Scolding, nagging.  It's kind of it's kind of like the yelling thing. Scolding nag. What is nagging?  Nagging is saying something over and over and over and over and over again?  No, why do you have to keep saying something over and over again. Because  your kids even though they've grown to know that, that you that you say things  10 times before you really mean it. And the reason you have to nag is because  you don't follow through with the first time. If you said Look, you guys have to  clean up your room. And if you don't, then you don't get dessert tonight. End of  story. I don't have to say another word. Because they're either going to clean  their room or they're not going to get dessert one of the two. And I don't care  which one they do. Right? Because I want them to learn something. I don't you  know if they don't clean the room, I'm okay with that because now they don't get  dessert and they get to think about that. So I don't care. See nagging is when  you don't have a consequence. And when you're not ready to follow through with the consequence, so you keep saying it over and over and over and over again,  I see this happen with parents all the time. They keep telling their kids over and  over and over again. I'm not gonna tell you again, oh, yes, you are. You're  gonna, you're gonna tell them 10 more times. And they're still not going to do it.  Scolding. Scolding is where, where, again, why do we scold scolding is when  you give your kids a big lecture because they did something wrong. And we give them this big long lecture, because we didn't have rules in place. If you spill your milk at the dinner table, here's what's going to happen, you have to clean it up.  Okay. But if you didn't have that rule, and they spill their milk, then you lecture  them about being careful What's wrong with you, you gotta be careful. I've told  you this many, many times, how many times you're gonna have to spill them out, is because you haven't set up any rules. So haven't set up any consequences. If you have consequences already set up, then it's easy. You don't have to scold.  You don't have to go over and over and over the ground, you just have to say,  Okay, remember, we agreed that if this happens, this is what this is the  consequences. You don't clean up your room, you're gonna bed early. Okay, so  when they don't clean up, I don't have to lecture them about cleaning up. All 

right? Let me scold you for 10-15 minutes about why, you know, look, I buy you  all these toys, and the least you can do is clean them up. I mean, this is  offensive to me. And we go on and on and on and on. And guess what, the  longer we go, the less effective it is on the kids because now they're feeling like  this is unfair, this is uncalled for, leaving a couple of toys out is not worth all this  hassle that you're giving me. Your punishment is way bigger than the offense.  That's why you have to step establish things early. You know, correcting  directing, your kids, kids don't know everything, okay? But, but if we're going to  constantly, if we're going to constantly correct and direct kids don't know stuff, so we have to tell them stuff. But but, you know, there's sort of a limit that kids can  handle, you know, Do this, don't do that. Try this. The you know, no, do it this  way. Turn to the left, no turn to the right. You know, when you're dressing, you  get no straighten out your tie, no. Tuck your shirt in. And then we have this  whole list of commands. And we are subtly communicating to our kids, you can't  do anything, right. And I have to list everything that you do pick up that toy, that  toy, that toy that toy, that toy, that toy. When you're going out at night, don't do  this. Don't do this. Don't do that. Don't do that. And we make these huge lists.  Instead of trusting our kids and assuming that they're going to do the right thing,  we assume that they're going to do the wrong thing. We assume they're going to forget everything. And so we have to constantly remind them every single detail  number three how do you build walls you build walls by prying I Corinthians  13:7, if you love someone you will be loyal to him. No matter what the cost you  will always believe in him. Always expect the best of him and always stand your  ground and defending him. prying what is prying? prying is when you're you're  trying to find something wrong. And kids, kids, kids smell that out. So where  were you last night? Are you talking to your teenager? Well, I was with some  friends are really which friends? Well, Bob and Joe Okay, well who drove it kids  know what you're doing? Kids know that you're, you're digging for a problem. So you want to know why your kids don't say a lot. Because if they say a lot, you're  going to find something in there that you don't like. So why take the chance. So  you have a child where you ask them questions and they go I don't know. That's  the safest answer you can give. I don't know. I don't remember. Or they give a  little one word answers. They're not going to give you any more than they have  to. Why? Because they have learned over from experience that you're looking  for something you're looking for some negative thing that you can correct you  can direct you can call them you know call them on the carpet for all right. How  do you build walls number four ignoring. I Corinthians 13:7 again, if you love  someone you'll be loyal to them no matter what the cost you'll always believe in  them always. expect the best of them and always stand your ground in  defending them. Being loyal. It's not ignoring a lot of times as parents, we're so  busy with our own lives that we don't have time for our children. We do most of  the talking in the relationship to our children. We're always correcting directing, 

challenging, yelling sometimes. When do we listen? What are we actually  participating in their life? That's, that's what I mean by ignoring. We're busy with  our agenda for them instead of their agenda. Alright, so how do you build  bridges, you can build bridges by number one, demanding respect. Leviticus  19:3, each of you must respect his mother and father. I think a lot of parents  today do not demand respect from their children. I mean, I was in the  supermarket the other day, and this little three year old four year old is just  kicking the shins of his mother. Stop Johnny, stop it. I'm not gonna tell you  again. And the kid is just kicking her in the shins. Now, what did she do, she's in  a public place. She doesn't want to spank him or something. And she's  embarrassed by the whole thing. And so she's like, I don't know what to do. And  the kid just keeps doing it. I see that a lot. Kids Talking back. Kids not listening.  demand respect, kids will give respect if you demand it. The only reason why a  kid is not giving you a parent respect is because you're not demanding it. And  demanding. It isn't yelling and screaming. That isn't demanding anything.  Respect is when there's consequences. for bad behavior, that's the policeman  again. We respect the policeman. Why? Because he has a book called tickets,  he can give us a ticket that costs us money and gives us points on our driving  record. He demands respect, he doesn't have to yell, he doesn't have to  scream. He doesn't have to lecture. Why? Because he has a consequence.  demand respect from your chilled children by having consequences, not yelling  and screaming consequences. So the little kid kicking in the thing, okay. We  were gonna go to McDonald's afterwards. But we're not. That's the rule. The rule is you get no treats of any sort for that day, the day that you disrespect me in  public, is the day you get no treat that night, or that day, something, you're listing a consequence. So then when they do it, they go well, I see you chose not to  have a dessert today. And you can say it calmly. In fact, you can say it's sort of,  I'm sympathizing with you. I'm so sorry, that you chose not to have dessert.  Because you probably would have liked it. But hey, those are the rules. What  can I say? So you can keep disrespecting me. And then you could say, you  know, if you do it twice in a day, then you miss out on tomorrow's benefit. Or the  next day or the next day. Okay? It's up to you. I don't care what you do. I'm  giving you a choice. And you make your own decision. listening, listening. How  can you build bridges by listening. Proverbs 16:16. How much better to get  wisdom than gold to choose understanding rather than silver. Understanding.  The number one way to communicate with anyone is to listen. I know we want to talk. Okay, we want we want to do a fair our fair share of talking. But no one is  going to listen to your talking unless you listen. If you're not a listener, then why  should people listen to what you have to say? We hear that there are a lot of  talkers in this world that just talk over people. Yeah, well, we don't listen to  talkers. Now when someone you know, listens to me, I feel better about myself. I feel better about you. And so I'm already more sympathetic to what you have to 

say. And it's true with Our kids too. listen to them. That's step one in forming a  bridge to them, instead of always correcting and directing, telling them what to  do. And telling them what they did wrong. And telling them how they can  improve what they did. Even when they did it. Right. They can improve, of  course, they could, they're kids. See, that's the dilemma we parents are in. The  reason why we are always constantly correcting and directing them is because  they're kids and everything they do could be improved upon. And we point it out, okay, instead of, Hey, how did you feel that went? How did? How do you feel?  You know, you you had a problem? And then you fix the problem? How do you  feel it went? I thought it did a pretty good job. I do too. Now, could it be  improved? Yes, it could. But instead of telling them how it could be improved,  why don't you ask them? How do you think you could improve that? Let them be in charge of fixing the problem, rather than you always fixing the problem. See,  that's communication. It isn't communication, when it's all one sided. Okay,  download downloading, downloading, downloading. Okay. Sharing, how do you  build bridges, you can do it by sharing. Matthew 19:13-14, then little children are brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the  disciples rebuked those who brought them Jesus said, Let the little children  come to Me do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as  these. For much of human history, children were sort of put on the side. Children were to be seen but not heard. It was more it for a lot of human history, it was a  sort of an authoritative kind of down, you know, mom and dad are in charge and  you are the you are the servants. Okay. Now we, we, we realize that human  beings are human beings, let's share our lives with them. In Jesus day, you  know, the children were probably, you know, low on the totem pole of  importance. And Jesus was a rabbi, he was a teacher. And all of a sudden,  these little children come flocking to him. And Jesus doesn't have time for little  children. Jesus, no, no, no, no. The children are important. And Jesus begins to  speak to them. That's how we should see our own children share our lives with  them. Don't, you know, we tend to think you know, that we live in sort of the adult world. And our kids. They live in a you know, this little kid world. Let's not make  such a hard line between the adult world and the child world. Why not tell them  things? You know, my dad was a fireman. And he was a fireman for 30, 40  years. And I really have no idea what he did. He rarely talked about his job. He,  he worked. You know, it was a 24 hour shift. And he was home quite a bit. And  he started other businesses when he was home. And I know a lot about those  businesses, but I really don't know much about the fire department. I knew a few times where he almost died because he, you know, got lost in a burning building with the smoke and his oxygen tank ran out and he didn't know the way out.  That's like the only story I know. I really don't know what about why not?  Because adults tend to think you know, there's the adult world and then there's  the kid world. And we don't cross that line, well cross the line. Let kids know 

what's going on in your life, share your life with them, and then let them share  their life with you. Alright, number four, how to build bridges. You can build  bridges by negotiating. Each of you should look not only to your own interests,  but also to the interests of others. negotiating a lot of times a lot of times we we  tell our kids, we're the ones in charge. And we just tell them, This is how it goes.  Here's the rules. Here's the consequences, we are large and in charge. Again,  it's it's not letting your children be a part of the discussion. So then they can  either obey or rebel. Those Those are their options. In every relationship, the  best buy in is when people agree to something. If a rule just comes down from  on high, people generally look for a way around it. And guess what kids do too.  Here's the rule comes down from on high, they don't understand it. They didn't  agree to it. But but the parent is in charge, they're large and in charge. So I  guess I got to do it. If I have to, and if they know about it, but if I can get away  with something, then I will get away with something. That's, that's, that's true in  almost every arena of life. But when you let people be in on the rule making, and if everyone agrees about something, they're more likely to follow through with it  and do it, just because they think it's the right thing to do. It's the smart thing to  do, it's the good thing to do, it's the most beneficial thing to do. So why not open  it up for a little negotiation? Now, I know we're afraid that, oh, all of a sudden,  we're giving our parenting thing away. And you know, our kids are going to be  selfish and self absorbed, and they're going to, they're going to want everything,  right. And they want it all for free. But I think if you get used to this, because if  they don't negotiate well, it doesn't go well. That's the way it is in the adult world. If you make outrageous demands, then people realize you're not really  negotiating. And so they stop negotiating with you. So negotiation is when all  parties are happy with the outcome. And if all parties aren't happy with the  outcome, then we're not done negotiating. So I think if you start doing that with  your children, they will gradually learn that it's in their best interest to find the  happy ground where you can all agree. And then if everyone agrees, see,  everyone's more likely to follow through. And kids feel like they're a part of  something. They feel like, what they have to say and what they think actually  matters and counts. Now you have real communication going on, not just one  sided communication. See, that's a lot of parents just have one sided  communication, it's just down on the child, down on the child, down on the child,  and the child never communicates back. So a lot of a lot of a lot of parents,  when kids turn tears, they're like, you know, my kid never tells me anything.  Well, guess what, he never did tell you anything. Because there was nothing to  tell you never gave some space for him to say what he thinks without judging  without coming down without saying That's stupid, what what kind of thing is  that? So again, let children be children, they're not always going to have the  best suggestion in the world. But if you shut it down with a heavy hand, then  then again, they're going to stop talking to you, which is what happens, isn't it? 

So you want to keep communication going. And the best way to keep  communication going is to respect what a person says. Even if you disagree  with it. Allow them to say things that you disagree with, allow them to back up  what they're saying, even though you disagree with what would their reasons  and applaud some of the reasons even if you disagree with the reason. Because you want them communicating. You want them telling you things. This is true  with your kids, is true with your spouse, is true with your friends. It's true in every arena of life. I just see people shutting down communication by you know,  someone says something, and then they come with a hammer back. Well, that's  the dumbest thing I've ever heard. How can you think such a thing? Well, if  you're asking that question, how can you think such a thing? It means you don't  know why they're thinking this thing? Why don't you find out why they're thinking this thing? Instead of shutting them down? You should be opening up. That's  very interesting. I don't understand that. Why did you why did you say that?  Because I don't get that. Could you explain that for me? I'm really curious about  how you know you're thinking something or maybe there's something I'm not  aware of? Please tell me see. Now I'm curious about why you think what you  think even though I may disagree with that keeps the communication going.  Alright, how to build bridges. You can build bridges by helping your child get  connected to Christ. I Corinthians 3:10-11. Each of you should be careful how he builds for No one can lay a foundation other than the one already laid, which is  Jesus Christ, you want to build a Communication Foundation, you want to build  a foundation or relationship foundation from which you can communicate with  your children. introduce your child to a relationship to Jesus. So your  relationship, a foundation of Jesus in your relationship means we can overcome  any obstacle if we're connected in Christ, and this is true about any relationship,  if we're Christians, we should be able to connect. If we're Christians, we realize  that we're sinners by nature, and that God sent His Son to die for us on the  cross so we can be forgiven. And if that's true, why can't we share this  forgiveness with those around us? So we shouldn't be able to overcome every  communication obstacle. In Christ, see, we have to keep coming back to Christ  because there are plenty of Christians who fight never talked to each other.  Why? Because they're focused on the argument. They're focused on the  unfairness. This is unfair, he said this, he did this. It's unfair. He doesn't  understand that he doesn't understand it, and you go back and forth, back and  forth back for a while. I'm never talking to you. I'm never talking to you. Okay.  We're focused on the disagreement. We're not focused on our relationship to  Christ. Is Jesus your Savior? Yes, yes. Is Jesus my savior? Yes, he is. Did Jesus forgive you? Yes, he did. Did Jesus forgive me? Okay. Let's start from there, and then work on our problem. See, that's what you want your, for your child too, that foundation of Jesus. Proverbs, last verse. Proverbs 14:26. reverence for God  gives a man deep strength, his children will have a place of refuge and security. 

The reason why communication, why things break down and communication  relationship breaks down people blame communication, is because we don't  have the deep strength, we don't have the deep connection. Without a without a  deep connection to someone that every disagreement is has the possibility of  broken breaking the relationship? Well, why are so many children estranged  from their parents, because of some issues, some thing that came up some  disagreements, some arguments, something the parent did something the kid  did something both of them did, or didn't do. And now we can't fix it. And we've  tried, okay, I tried to fix it up with dad, but he won't listen. I tried to fix it up with  my son, but he won't listen. It's it's because we don't have this foundation, this,  this, go back here, this deep strength. So number one, as a parent, you need to  have a relationship to Jesus, it has to ground you, it has to be deep. Why? So  you can be a place of refuge and security for your children. And if you are that  place of refuge, you're the safe place, you're the secure place. You're the place  where the every child can come to. your children can come to you when they're  in trouble. Because you're a safe place, you're a refuge. You know, when we get in trouble, even when we cause our own troubles, we can come to God and we  feel God is a loving God. It's a safe place. God is not going to cast us out. But a  lot of children don't have that view of their parents. If they get in trouble, if they  do something that they know their parents would disapprove. And now they're in  trouble because of it. They hide it from the parents. Why? Because my parents  are not a safe place. They are not the bread few that they're the the authority.  They're the ones that are the judges. They're the condemners. They're the ones  who, you know, start off by saying I don't believe in you. And I believe you're  going to mess up and I'm looking for that. Instead of your my son, I believe you  are called by God and God has given you gifts and abilities, and he has made  plans for you. And even though the devil tries tries to thwart it, nothing can stop  God's purpose in you. Help your child get connected to Christ. That's the  number one thing that you can do to improve communication