Video Transcript: Narcissistic Leaders

Today, we're going to look at the dark side of narcissism. Because every narcissist, they are saying this kind of thing that's on my shirt. You can't catch me; they're not going to catch us. And we're on a mission from God. Or I'm on a mission from God, just like the Blues Brothers, if you've ever seen that movie, and they think that the world revolves around them, because they're on a mission. It's all about them. No one else matters. It goes back to that story in Greek mythology, where Narcissus is walking through the woods, and he comes to that famous pond, clear water, looks into that pond and says, Oh, how beautiful I am. I'm the most beautiful thing in the world, and never leaves his own image in that water. As the mirror image came back to him, and him to it, he fell in love with himself. Kind of like what we call navel gazing. All I see is me. All I see is what's going on with me. I really don't care about anybody else but me. Probably sounds like Original Sin doesn't it? Sounds like the human condition. Sounds like what we talked about the biblical and theological foundations where you have man over here trying to be his own God. Narcissism has all those characteristics. Reminds me of another story too. And it comes in I have this in the curriculum online, under the topic of narcissism on the dark side, and it goes back to the Charles Schultz comic strip Peanuts. Charlie Brown is pictured reading a book about the Sun and the Earth to Lucy. And Charlie reads, and the Earth revolves around the Sun. And Lucy interrupts him saying, the world revolves around the sun? She was confused. What do you mean, Charlie Brown? I thought that the world revolved around me.

Again, now, the narcissist is about him or about her. They are very, very tunnel visioned. All they can see is their agenda, and no one else's needs. They're not sensitive to other people's needs. And as I've said before about the dark sides, we have all five dark sides, including narcissism, including the fact that we can get into this trap of making it all about our mission from God. God has me on a mission, I don't care about anybody else. I don't care about what your thing is saying or what you're thinking, I can do it alone; I'm the Lone Ranger, and I'm going to win the world, I'm going to conquer the world, I'm going to save the world. And I'll do it my way or it will be the highway.

So, narcissism, what is this dark side really about? Let's take a look. So, as we look at the causes of narcissism, again, relating to the whole thing of being in love with ourselves in love with our own image, our own appearance, we first need to see how it stems from, it originates from feelings of inferiority. Now, I used to be a social worker. And I was working in the city of Chicago, as a case manager and 12 people, my caseload. This was 27 years ago. And as I was working with these clients, I had one gentleman, but as I was working with this client, he was sitting in his couch. I was doing a house call. His name was Bill. He was a client who none of the other case managers or social workers, or even the psychiatrist, wanted to work with. He had many disorders, developmental disorders as well as mental disorders. And it was all mixed up, all a big, hot mess. And he was sitting there, he was like this, hanging out, no shirt on, cigarette in hand. And he was looking right at me. He doesn't shave too well, doesn't eat right. Doesn't really take care of himself overall. And I was doing a house call. I was directly across from him. And I said, Okay, Bill, here's the $5 that we promised, that we talked about for your spending plan for the week. I was his payee. And as his worker, I was helping him to budget his money. So, Bill sat there, and he looked at the $5 bill for a minute, literally, just 60 seconds and, and thought about it for another 60 seconds and took a puff of his cigarette, and then he just flipped a switch in his brain. And, no, no, I'm not going to do the $5. Absolutely not. No, I want more! And he just escalated into a rage and got up and put up his fists right in my face. And I did an about face it said, Okay, I'm going to call the police and I ran out of the apartment, ran down the stairs, because it was the sixth floor, and I was running like crazy. And he was trying to keep up with me. And I ran out of the building, and he was running just behind me. And I went way ahead, tucked into a shop and looked behind me.  Is he going to punch? Is he going to get me? Where is he? And I realized I had outrun him, walked out of the shop, walked down the street, walked around the corner and there was Bill huffing and puffing, because he couldn't run as fast as I could. Like I said, he didn't take care of himself too well. And so Bill was kind of in this stern look and posture and I came up to I said, Bill, you want to talk now? Yeah, okay. And he was feeling better. He wasn't in that rage. And where did that rage come from? Yes, we can point to the mental illnesses. Yes. If you look at the developmental disability, yes, we can identify how this was that and how this causes that and what triggers he's got. But most importantly, we need to see how this behavior stems from inferiority as well. It stems from much insecurity and a high level of need.

Well, in the same way, the narcissist has these feelings of inferiority; he or she, they, they need to have a high level of control. We talked about control already. We talked about compulsivity and how compulsivity can overtake us. We feel we have to have full control over everybody and everything--person, place and thing--everywhere we are. Because if we don't feel we're in control, we don't feel important, or we don't feel like we have connection, we feel inferior. If this spills over into narcissism, because with narcissism, if we're in love with ourselves, it's all about us and the world, we think, revolves around us. We think we can have the power to do just like what Bill did and say, Okay, I'm going to really get you and punch you out because you're not doing it my way. You're not doing it according to my agenda. And of course, we all can look at how well inferiority. We have a lot of lonely people who put on an air that they've got it all figured out. And it's all about them.

Second issue, self-validation. There was a gentleman who worked with me for quite a few years; he became my right-hand man. And I was allowing him to take over many areas, and he was quite good at what he was doing. He had come out of prison in 2008. He had a lot of great potential. And we as a church—I'm at New Community Church—we as a church saw some potential and promise with him. And once we allowed it, you know, inch by inch bit by bit, okay, call him John. John, you can try this, John, how about that? And of course, every time when it came to this activity or this project, I can do it. I am the best. Yeah, look at me! See, I can do it, I can make the best coffee, I can build the better deck, I can make the best steak, because I, as he will tell the story about how he was trained, and by a chef who was related to him from a previous marriage and, and other things like that all, I can do it. Look at me, all about me.

Well, why is it all about you? It's all about you because you don't feel validated. And for men, if we look at the whole study of men, in the course, looking at the study of women, studying men, if you've subscribed to this position, which I do, and many others have, from Scripture, from the Bible, and also from what has been unpacked from Scripture with the book,Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, he argues, and I agree with him, how men need to be validated by their earthly fathers. And this gentleman, John, was never validated really, by his earthly father. In fact, he was abused, and also, well, abused in all ways, verbally, physically, mentally, in addition to other trauma that happened to him while growing up, even though they had all they could ever want. Grew up in a in a well-to-do home. But then things fell apart after the divorce and so on. Validation, self-validation: do I really have what it takes? Dad never told me I had what it takes. Now, if you are on probation, or if you are on parole, or if you have been through some traumatic experiences, of course, many of us who, many of you who, aren't from probation, parole have a traumatic experience, traumatic experiences, of course. And for those who have never been on probation, or parole, and you're watching this, you're saying, Yeah, I've been through traumatic experiences, I've had these issues, and so on. Yeah, do I have what it takes? Do I have validation from parents and family? You might not talk to them. Even, I haven't seen them for years. Or I do talk to them. I see him every week. But hey, we're adults now. Right? Childhood was a long time ago.

Validation. We need to know that we are who we're supposed to be. Because how God made us to be. We're made in His image. Again, Genesis 1:26, as God said, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, let us make mankind in our image. And the lie that Adam believed was that they were not like God yet. And yet, we were created in God's image. So, we are like God. So, we need to turn to our Heavenly Father, as a father in heaven. Help me. Show me! How am I the hands and the feet of Jesus, First Corinthians 12? As I am in the kingdom, and as I do work for you, as I serve you, Lord, alone, and he is the only one. And then how for God to heal us of that need for self-validation, which is a legitimate need. It's okay, we need to know we've got what it takes. But along the way, somehow there was a wound that was placed upon our fathers, men, or of course, ladies, and when it comes to how Stacey Eldridge, John's wife, who wrote the book Captivating, which was the companion book to the Wild at Heart book, saying how ladies want to be part of the adventure, as well as to know that they're beautiful, that they're winnable, that they they're chosen, by God and of course, by their husband, to be protected, loved, cherished, validated. And of course, we go back to the family of origin, we go back to the home. So we go from inferiority, validation issues, to personal uncertainty. And too much, we have fear that gets in the way of how we look to the future, how we perceive ourselves, and we feel uncertain, especially for those of us who have come out of prison, jail or rehab or whatever. And wondering, Where do I begin? Life is so uncertain! I can't get a job, or I have these barriers. And yeah, I know I'm trying to work on myself, because I am the problem most of the time, but of course, we have these other barriers where we aren't the problem. It's just that we have to deal with these barriers, deal with these things, these situations. And so personal uncertainty is a way of looking at life and how we need to reframe what life is. And when, through God's lenses, Jesus's lenses, that's where we then say, okay, I can be certain because God holds the future. The Scripture says, God has forgiven me. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and forgives me. First John one, verse nine. So, he does forgive me; I have hope. I have hope for today, and for tomorrow, and every moment and every minute.

And I encourage every one of you watching this video: recovery is not just for the addict. Really, recovery is for the center, everybody. We all need to walk through the 12 steps of recovery. Because it provides a roadmap from the Bible, on how to work on me, and to go forward in our walk with Christ. As we hold him, as we hold God's hand, he leads us through. It's not about me, it's about God. And it’s about him, leading me along, taking me there. So, uncertainty is where the narcissist is saying, I'm not certain about the future. So, I need to make it about me and about my agenda. Because I just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, I have to say, See what I did, see what I did to other people, and trying to then look, from the self-validation path, to say, okay, I can gain certainty through this false sense of validation, this false sense of control.

Characteristics. So, we see the causes, but what are the characteristics? Here's what to look for within yourself. And also, what to note as you come into contact with people ministry, like I did with John, back in 2008, and really ran its course through 2016, where we, after eight years, thought he was moving along, but then unfortunately, caught him stealing from the church. It was a tough day, when we said, you're done. Because this is what you fell back into. This is what you went to prison for. Now, you've gone back into this behavior. And of course, we've caught you're stealing from us at the church, on camera. And now it makes sense, as we look at what narcissism is. And you'll see the readings that are posted here also in the lesson on narcissism and dark side of narcissism. That is, and it takes you into the whole characteristic of grandiose vision, intense ambition, and John was all about it, where I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. See how big I can make this. And yeah, you know, that caterer, you know, and it was trying to divide people. He was trying to say that he was the better chef, he was the better cook. He was the better craftsman. No one else can do it better than me. Oh, really? No one? Is that true? And the issues I deal with, me personally, Dr. Mark, I deal with codependency and I get sucked in. And of course, a lot of us got sucked into this. This grandiose vision, this grandiose talk, this intense ambition that John was projecting at us about, well, I guess if you're that good, show us. And he did contribute a lot of good things, a lot of other things that he just didn't follow through on during the final years. We were with him. So, look for grandiose visions, always raise questions, always challenge in a loving way. And look at what is really going on. It's all about context. It's all about what is happening with the individual, case by case by case.

Personal exploitation. Yep, I can do better than she can. She says, let's say your name is Sue, like John, and I'll put on the best party ever. And it will be this and that, of course again, you get the grandiosity in there, and then they start to use people, to exploit them for their own personal gain. Self-absorption goes without saying, it's all about me and I'm the Savior. I'm the one who's going to make it happen. The challenges of working with the narcissist servant leadership, while of course servant leadership means this, as you've probably taken a leadership course at CLI here, or maybe another place, and sort of leadership is going from the bottom up, not from the top down. It's where we say, we put the towel over our arm, and we say, How can I help? I'm here to serve. I'm here to do what God has called me to do and how I can fulfill what God wants me to do as I help you. I'm here to serve, not at my expense, but to help you in every way. Of course, the Kingdom.

The narcissist is not about servant leadership at all, if they're about top down, or even indirectly from coming from the side saying, Yeah, I know a guy. Yep, I can do this for you. Yep. And why aren't you doing what I want you to do? And they will get more bossy, they'll get more aggressive, they will become more & more assertive and some areas where it takes you by surprise, where you thought you're on the same page because they're trying to sell the program. And they're trying to lead by control, rather than by interdependence. They're more domineering. As far as the challenges and trying to get narcissist on board with being a servant leader, someone who was saying, it's not about me, it's about God. Whereas the person who is suffering from a high level of narcissism, again, we all have it, we all deal with it. And this is out of whack, this area of narcissism, and it's just impossible to get that person on board with the servant culture that you're trying to create, that Jesus taught. So there needs to be a conversion for the narcissist, the balance of vision and realism. 

Now you visionaries are watching this, you entrepreneurs, you, you leaders, who can see 100 miles ahead of everybody else, you see what can be, you have to catalyze or cause things to happen. bring things into existence. You're probably saying, OK, I have vision for this and that. Now the narcissist, and for those of you who are dealing with that within yourselves, you’re wondering, what's going on? Or of course, you're dealing with a person where it's obvious they don't know what's going on. And they're not. They're struggling with narcissism, although they don't know it. And when it comes to vision, we get back into grandiosity and also realism. You got the big grand plan and the big grand vision that John or Sue has to give you, as the pastor or as the business leader, or whoever, you know what, or you're the head, the head of the department, or the church leader. And John or Sue, who's on your team says, yeah, we can do this. Yeah, I got a guy. Yeah, I'll raise the money for it. Oh, okay. Who are the donors? I don't know yet. But yeah, it'll come, no problem. Give me two months. No problem. 

Ah, begin to worry. So, the balance of vision and realism because that's not realistic. They're not down to earth. They're more in the sky and in their own head and all about them again. All right, finishing what's started. Same thing. They give the grandiose vision, they give the grandiosity in general, and they finish: they start something but don't finish it. Okay? So, narcissism is cause and effect. And we want to take a brief look today too, at the Bible character, famous for not being a narcissist, if you will. And in your lesson, we have this chart for all the dark sides, the definitions, again, and that complement the PowerPoint slide slides that you have. And also, we have examples and characteristics as far as what happens in the church and also examples from Scripture itself as far as Bible characters that exhibited a high level of each of the dark sides.

So, for today, we're looking primarily at the narcissist named King Solomon. It's all about me. Look at all my wisdom. And at first as we know Solomon started out humble: My lord, it's all about you. Give me wisdom, he prayed for it, famous for the whole trial of the two mothers and the one child and said, well, okay, let's get a sword cut the child in half, and the real mother spoke up, and the child was given to that mother, and many good things came from Solomon at first. However, as we know, later on in the story, in the Bible, that Solomon began to serve other gods, he had hundreds of wives, more wealth than he could ever, ever enjoy. And it became more and more and more about him, became more grandiose, more unrealistic, and he was a narcissist. And when it comes to narcissism here, here we have a definition of when the image is everything, no price is too high, and especially when others have to pay the price. And for the narcissistic leader, everything revolves around the self, as we've said, in church, in that church, far too many sermons are preached in an effort to gain approval, and admiration of the people with little concern for God's approval. As I said earlier, it's God saying, you have what it takes my son, my daughter, I created you, you're made in my image, I bless you with the gifts I've given you, as a believer, now go in here, and then God reveals His purpose to you and to me, and fulfills that purpose that He has given to you and to me, but we always need to be in that state of humility, that state of surrender, and where God can do that, and not to be in this place where we're, we're not concerned about God's approval, we're concerned more about man's approval. Big difference.

Secondly, here, numerous churches have been destroyed by leaders who lead the church into projects, too energetic, and costly, all because the leader needed to feel good about himself or herself. And unfortunately, we can point to many examples of where things fall apart. For with some churches and ministries, I'm not going to get into that here today, because I don't want to get into specific people and places and things. But you know who they are. I'm sure you can look it up on the internet, as far as churches that had big church splits, or, as I showed in the other video about pastors who are found out because of immoral, immoral behavior, and so on, or, as it says here, they get into energetic, costly projects that the congregation cannot handle, because it was about their agenda, and not about God's agenda. So, as you do the profile, take a look, the narcissist level, if it's hitting that high level, get help, get that second opinion, get that outside opinion, so that you can get that input from other people say, look, you're making it more about you. And I recommend to begin the work of recovery, if you haven't already, because that's where we surrender first. Put everything to God's care, work and on our own issues. And then ask God to make us more of the person as we said in that video and from the biblical and theological foundations, where God begins to mold and shape you, not you shaping you; have that spiritual awakening finally, where you then say, Ah, now I see the help of the Holy Spirit, what God is doing in me and give back. Thank you. Look forward to see you in the next video.