Video Transcript: How to Speak to a Narcissist

Hi, I'm Dr Greg Hamlin. I'm a psychologist and a life coach. I want to talk for a  few minutes about how to deal with a narcissist in your life. Might be in a  relationship, it might be a family member, it might be a boss, it might be a co  worker, it might be somebody who works for you. Most everyone that I know has had some kind of contact with someone who's very difficult to deal with, and  although that can be explained by a lot of different things, one of the most  common personality types that people complain about is the narcissistic  personality. Now, what is the narcissistic personality? It's a personality type with  some very predictable, definite characteristics. And one of the there's in you  know, you can go online and you can search on the DSM-4, DSM-5 criteria for  narcissistic personality. But whether or not the diagnostic criteria is something  you you relate to or know, and whether you're a clinician or not, it doesn't matter, because there's two main main characteristics that you need to be aware of.  The one is that a narcissist will always look at things through the lens of what's  in it. For me, everything is self referential when you talk with them about  something, you may be telling them about a problem or a difficulty you had or  are having, and they will immediately take that and relate it to their own life and  then just go off and talk about that. Now, many people do that in conversation,  and doesn't make them a narcissist, but this is one of the cardinal qualities of a  narcissist that just seems to just be so irritating because it's so pervasive and so consistent. Also, when you're making any kind of plans with someone who's  narcissistic, they're they're always looking at it as to how this is going to  enhance their reputation or their their satisfaction, and they're not really looking  at anyone else. And another, another example of a narcissist is you'll often find  them name dropping. They want it. They want you to know how they are related  to people with prestige and status. And they're they're always kind of careful to  be educating people about how great they are in various ways. They also like to  be they also like to feel entitled. This is part of everything. Being self related.  They if you're in a restaurant or go out to dinner with someone who has a  narcissistic personality, they are often very harsh on the serve servers, ordering  them about complaining, talking down to them. They kind of being served for a  meal in a restaurant is kind of a way for them to be a little, kind of little king or  queen. And also when they get hurt, like in a family, if they if somebody hurts  their feelings, their hurt and their suffering just seems to tower above anyone  else's difficulties. In that situation, it's sort of like if there were a competition for  who's the biggest victim in this situation, the narcissistic personality will want to  be known that they're the ones that really had to deal with the most. So that's  the first big main characteristic, is that everything is self referential. The second  big characteristic of a narcissistic personality is that they they're deficient in  empathy. In fact, I think that the word narcissism is a mouthful to say, let alone  spell, and a lot of people don't really know why it's called that. I often call it  empathy deficiency disorder, because a person who's a narcissist, unlike a 

sociopath, who knows what you're feeling and wants to be cruel about it, a  narcissist doesn't really want to be cruel. They just don't see what the problem  is. They don't see your suffering or how you're inconvenienced by their  decisions. It isn't on their radar. And so they they look very inconsiderate,  because they are. They're not considering you, but it's, it's an it's a lot of extra  work for them to get their mind around other people's needs, whereas their own  needs they're very much in touch with. So these two qualities together, self  referential and deficient in empathy, makes a narcissist extremely difficult to live  with or work with. So how do you deal with this? What are some things that you  can do to talk with a narcissist so that you get your point across and so that you  don't end every conversation in frustration and exasperation. Well, one of the  things you can do is you need to make good eye contact. You need to you need  to speak confidently with a narcissist, look them in the eyes, confidently, but not  in a way that's demeaning, because if they feel like you're putting them down or  questioning their status, they'll get they can come out swinging, but you but you  also can't be passive and pleading. You have to be very confident and definite  and concise. Because they don't they're listening. Their attention span to listen  to someone is usually very short, but you have to look them in the eye say what  you want to say, and then when they change the subject, you need to bring it  back to what you're talking about. Now I read recently about a study that was  done where narcissists could actually be taught to have some empathy. And the  idea is that that some people who have narcissistic tendencies, if they if it, if you explain to them carefully how their actions and their words are are affecting  other people's situation and actually ask them to put themselves in the place of  that person, just that extra effort that you're asking of them if they will go along  with it. Then sometimes they can see it and they can actually have some  empathy. The main mistake that people make when they talk with narcissists is  that they try to appeal to an empathy that isn't there. So for example, let's say  you. Let's say I work for a boss in an office and a manager, and I've been  working overtime and I'm and I feel like I've been getting most of it, and I'm tired  of it, and other workers seem to be able to go home earlier, but my manager  seems to just like piling stuff on me, because I get them done. Okay, so I go to  him or her and I say, you know, I really need a break. I'm really getting worn  down, and I just don't like having all this work, and I'm kind of expecting to have  some sympathy and for him to say to back off. But that is, if he's a narcissist,  that isn't what motivates him, he would only be saying, Oh, well, he you know,  you're obviously able to do it because you've been doing it. And I need you. I  need you to do everything you can for me, and so it may not move him. So you  have to what I would do instead is I would appeal to his self interest. I would say, you know, in order for me to do a good job, I need rest time, and I'm not getting  it, and I'm really thinking that the quality is going to go down if I don't back off a  little bit. And so this is what I want, and I'd be very specific about what I want, 

and and I would look him right in the eye, or look her right in the eye, and I'd say I'd like you to put in if he balked, I'd say I'd like you to put yourself in my position, if you would, for a moment. You know, this is what it means for me to work on  this project like this. I'm okay with pushing for a few weeks to finish up  something, to have to meet a deadline, but now it's going on and on, and we  need to make a change. I need to make a change. So that's one tip for dealing  with a narcissist. You have to appeal to their self interest. And then the other  thing is that you know, as I said before, you need to ask them if you can, if you  can, find a way to ask them respectfully, to put your put themselves in your  place, and and then paint a very vivid picture, one that's not defensive, and one  that's not sarcastic, but helps them see what you think should be obvious. And  that's the basic point. Is that you think it's obvious. You can't believe they don't  see it, but they don't see it. Empathy is not part of their radar, and you but they  can. They can intellectually understand it if you bring it to them in a very  compelling terms. So those are just a few tips on how to deal with a narcissist.  You never want to be passive. You never want to be ambiguous about your  needs, or sort of float something out there, because they'll squash it. They will  turn it into something that they want. You have to be very specific. Ask for what  you want, and then when the conversation changes, the topic changes goes  back to being a focus on them and their needs. You need to find ways to  graciously bring it back to the main point and keep coming back to it and be  ready to repeat yourself and just settle in and know that this is not a normal  conversation. This is not normal air time, where you get each person gets half  the air time. This is a frustrating conversation, and once you reckon with that  and accept it, you'll be more effective at dealing with people with this personality type. I'm Dr. Greg Hamlin, thanks for listening.