Video Transcript: How to Speak to a Narcissist

Hi, I'm Dr. Greg Hamlin, I'm a psychologist and a life coach, I want to talk for a few minutes about how to deal with a narcissist in your life. Might be in a relationship, it might be a family member, it might be a boss, it might be a coworker, it might be somebody who works for you. Most everyone that I know has had some kind of contact with someone who's very difficult to deal with. And although that can be explained by a lot of different things, one of the most common personality types that people complain about is the narcissistic personality. Now what is the narcissistic personality? It's a personality type with some very predictable, definite characteristics. And one of the there's in, you know, you can go online, and you can search on the DSM for DSM five criteria for narcissistic personality. But whether or not the diagnostic criteria is something you relate to or know and whether you're a clinician or not, it doesn't matter because there's two main main characteristics that you need to be aware of. The one is that a narcissist will always look at things through the lens of what's in it for me: everything is self referential. When you talk with them about something, you may be telling them about a problem or a difficulty you had or are having. And they will immediately take that and relate it to their own life and then just go off and talk about that. Now many people do that in conversation and doesn't make them a narcissist. But this is one of the cardinal qualities of a narcissist that just seems to just be so irritating, because it's so pervasive, it's so consistent. Also, when you're making any kind of plans with someone who's narcissistic, they're always looking at it as to how this was going to enhance their reputation, or their their satisfaction, and they're not really looking at anyone else. And another example of a narcissist is you'll often find them name dropping. They want you to know how they are related to people with prestige and status. And they're they're always kind of careful to be edgy, educating people about how great they are in various ways. They also like to feel entitled, this is part of everything being self related. If you're in a restaurant or go out to dinner with someone who has a narcissistic personality, they're often very harsh on the search servers, ordering them about complaining, talking down to them. Being served for a meal in a restaurant is kind of a way for them to be a little kind of little king or queen. And also when they get hurt, like in a family,  if somebody hurts their feelings, their hurt and their suffering just seems to tower above anyone else's difficulties in that situation. And sort of like, if there were a competition for who's the the biggest victim in this situation, the narcissistic personality will want to be known that they're the ones that really had to deal with the most. So that's the first big main characteristic is that everything is self referential.

The second big characteristic of a narcissistic personality is that they're deficient in empathy. In fact, I think that the word narcissism is a mouthful to say, let alone spell, and a lot of people don't really know why it's called that. I often call it empathy deficiency disorder. Because person who is a narcissist, unlike a sociopath who knows what you're feeling and wants to be cruel about it. A narcissist doesn't really want to be cruel. They just don't see what the problem is. They don't see your suffering or how you're inconvenienced by their decisions. It isn't on their radar. And so they they look very inconsiderate because they are they're not considering you but it's a lot of extra work for them to get their mind around other people's needs, whereas their own needs, they're very much in touch with. So these these two qualities together are self referential and deficient empathy makes a narcissist extremely difficult to live with or work with. So how do you deal with this? What are some things that you can do to talk with a narcissist so that you get your point across for us, and so that you don't end every conversation in frustration and exasperation?

Well, one of the things you can do is to make good eye contact, you need to you need to speak confidently with a narcissist. Look them in the eyes confidently, but not in a way that's demeaning, because if they feel like you're putting them down or questioning their status, they can come out swinging. But you also can't be passive and pleading, you have to be very confident and definite, and concise, because they don't they're listening: their attention span to listen to someone is usually very short. But you have to look them in the eyes say what you want to say. And then when they change the subject, you need to bring it back to what you're talking about. Now I read recently about a study that was done, where narcissists could actually be taught to have some empathy. And the idea is that, that some people who have narcissistic tendencie, if you explain to them carefully how their actions and their words are affecting other people's situation, and actually ask them to put themselves in the place of that person, just that extra effort that you're asking of them. If they will go along with it, then sometimes they can see it, and they can actually have some empathy. The main mistake that people make when they talk with narcissists is that they try to appeal to an empathy that isn't there. So for example, let's say you just say I work for a boss in an office and a manager, and I've been working overtime, and I feel like I've been getting most of it, and I'm tired of it. And other workers seem to be able to go home earlier. But my manager seems to just like piling stuff on me because I get them done. Okay. So I go to him or her and I say, you know, I really need a break, I'm really getting worn down. And I just don't like having all this work. And I'm kind of expecting to have some sympathy and for him to say to back off. But that is if he's a narcissist, that isn't what motivates him, he would only be saying, Oh, well, you know, you're obviously able to do it, because you've been doing it and I need  you to do everything you can for me. And so it may or may not move him. So what I would do instead is I would appeal to his self interest, I would say, you know, in order for me to do a good job, I need rest time, and I'm not getting it. And I'm really thinking that the quality is going to go down if I don't back off a little bit. And so this is what I want. And I'd be very specific about what I want. And I would look him right in the eye or look her right in the eye. And if he balked, I'd say, I'd like you to put yourself in my position, if you would for a moment. You know, this is what it means for me to work on this project like this, I'm okay with pushing for a few weeks to finish up something to have to meet a deadline. But now it's going on and on and we need to make a change. I need to make a change. So that's one tip for dealing with a narcissist you have to appeal to appeal to their self interest.

And then the other thing is that, as I said before, you need to ask them, if you can find a way to ask them respectfully, to put themselves in your place. And then paint a very vivid picture. One that's not defensive, and one that's not sarcastic, but helps them see what you think should be obvious. And that's the basic point: that you think it's obvious. You can't believe they don't see it, but they don't see it. Empathy is not part of their radar. And, but they can intellectually understand it if you bring it to them in a very compelling terms. So those are just a few tips on how to deal with a narcissist. You never want to be passive. You never want to be ambiguous about your needs, or float something out there because they'll squash it, they will turn it into something that they want. You have to be very specific, ask for what you want. And then when the conversation changes, the topic changes and goes back to being a focus on them and their needs, you need to find ways to graciously bring it back to the main point and keep coming back to it and be ready to repeat yourself and just settle in and know that this is not a normal conversation. issue. This is not normal airtime where you get it, where each person gets half the airtime. This is a frustrating conversation and once you reckon with that and accept it, you'll be more effective at dealing with people with this personality type. I'm Dr. Greg Hamlin. Thanks for listening.