Video Transcript: Dr. John Townsend gives tips for dealing with a Narcissist

Speaker 3 So what happens when your significant other cares more about him or herself than he or she does about you? 

Speaker 2 New York Times bestselling author and psychologist Dr. John Townsend joins us in our At Home Living Room to share tips on dealing with a narcissist. 

Speaker 3 These tell us how to deal with narcissists, and this is a big word and one that's used often, but rarely truly understood. So, can you explain first what a narcissist is?

Speaker 3 It's really an unfortunate word. Because once somebody is pegged as a narcissist, do you think well, it's hopeless forever, they'll always be about me, you know, what they say, is a narcissist. Somebody when you go to a party, they say, Let's not talk about me anymore. Let's talk about what you think about. 

Speaker 3 But there's a difference between being selfish and being a narcissist. 

Speaker 3 It means three things. Basically, one is all things refer to them. Second is grandiosity. And I'm bigger than life. And third thing is, I'm defensive when you see something that you want to talk to me about, because I can't be a bad guy. That's kind of what always typifies the problem.

Speaker 1 And that just describes all of my ex-boyfriends. 

Speaker 3 So what's the common denominator?

Speaker 1 I was waiting for that.

Speaker 2 I know a lot of those people in my life. So how do I deal with them?

Speaker 3 How do you deal with that? What is the best way to deal with them, because a lot of it won't change. A lot of it is, maybe the way they were raised, or just 

Speaker 3 Actually, a lot does change. You really can change. There are some that are very, very severe. And it's a whole different issue. They need lots of help, and medication and all that. But a lot of them can change if you have the right approach, because everybody wants a good relationship. And a person that has that self-centered view, actually, they're very lonely people. Because looking in the mirror, it gets kind of old after a while. So, there's some things you can do. The first the thing is, I think, to be vulnerable with them. And to say, I like what we're doing. I like who we are, you're having coffee or whatever. But you say, the way you impact me, makes it hard to feel close to you. Even a narcissist wants somebody to be close. So, then the first question is, well, it can't be about me, 

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, you're like, as usual, it is about you.

Speaker 3 Because in the defensiveness, you're kind of like, open the kimono a bit and say, um, when you make it about yourself, I feel far away from you. Or I feel like I can't be open with you. And I would appreciate it if you would like to be into my world more. And then they start kind of getting the glimmer that this is how I can have a good relationship with this person. That's the kind of the first big key

Speaker 2 How do they even learn how to do that, though, if they're so used to doing it the other way, they're so programmed to come from... 

Speaker 3 You're the teacher, then you model it. You say, for example, you remember when I asked you about your day, and you talked about what the boss is like, and the traffic was like and how you killed it on that account, how great it was. And when you do that with me and ask me questions that opened me up to and you kind of say, here's the four or five things I did, too, because I'm interested in you. And then they'll go, that's what I say? And you say, yeah, so they'll say, how was your day? And you go, Oh, you asked me how my day was?

Speaker 2 Dr. John, what would you do? If you've had this conversation many times? At what point do you just go, okay, there's more severe than maybe, yeah, or what point do you just kind of give up hope; I'm gonna tell them they’re never really changing? 

Speaker 3 I never have. 

Speaker 2 So you don't get that? 

Speaker 2 Have you continued having that conversation with them?

Speaker 3 Never 

Speaker 3 Well, yes. There are some people that you really shouldn't be around at all. They're very toxic. Those are the ones that you need lawyers, guns and money around them. And they're just not. They're destructive. But there are those who are just kind of easier to work with, they'll say, okay, ask your questions about myself. And then those in the middle category that are more severe. What you have to do with them is give them several chances. And then at some, you've got to say I need to limit the amount of exposure I have on our relationship. And if you decide that you're interested in my life, and decide to enter my world and be nice to me, I'll spend more time, but some people don't listen to words. They listen to actions, yourself. If you remove yourself and say, Look, maybe I can't see you for a week because this didn't go well. But maybe you're nice next week, we can talk. But it's like your kid. You can tell your kid all day, stop beating your little sister on the head with a little hammer. But until you have that kid in timeout, they go, they're not serious. Sometimes you have to go to actions besides just words.

Speaker 3 Is it useful to point out in the conversation when say, you've had the conversation about I'd really like you to ask me about me. And then you find out all of a sudden, you're asking me about me but why are we talking about you again? How does that how does a conversation how do you say oh you did that? Well, when I used to do this or when I when that happens to me? Is it okay to point out like...

Speaker 3 The best teaching or the best transformational experience is in the moment you just did a beautiful "in the moment" because in the 'G'o does that what you're talking about? Yeah, because when I just told you I had a bad day and you said well I've had 14 bad days. That's what I'm talking about, Sam, so can you stick with me a little bit longer? Because a person with narcissistic issues, it's like in football. You know, the you lateral the ball to somebody and they will they take the ball and they don't lateral it back. They just go down the field. You've got to say keep the ball in my court a bit in the moment. 

Speaker 2 These are such good tips and I feel like we've just...

Speaker 3 There's a lot of hope; don't give up on them. There's a lot of hope.