Video Transcript: Dr. John Townsend gives tips for dealing with a Narcissist

Speaker 1 So what happens when your significant other cares more about him  or herself than he or she does about you?  

Speaker 2 New York Times, Best Selling Author and psychologist Dr John  Townsend joins us in our at home living room to share tips on dealing with a  narcissist. Please tell us how to deal with narcissists, and this is a big  

Speaker 1 word, and one that's used often but rarely truly understood. So can  you explain for us what a narcissist is?  

Dr. John Townsend - It's really an unfortunate word, because once somebody's  pegged as a narcissist, you think, well, it's hopeless forever. They'll always be  about me. You know what they say is a narcissist? Somebody, when you go to a party, they say, Let's not talk about me anymore. Let's talk about what you think  

Speaker 1 about right? But there's being selfish and being an artist. It means  

Dr. John Townsend - three things. Basically, one is all things, refer to them.  Second is grandiosity, and I'm bigger than life. And third thing is I'm defensive  when you see something that you want to talk to me about, because I can't be a  bad guy. Yes, that's kind of what always typifies the  

Unknown Speaker problem, and that just describes all of my ex boyfriend.  Dr. John Townsend - So what's the common denominator  

Unknown Speaker I was waiting for?  

Speaker 2 I was about to say, I know a lot of those people in my life, how do I  deal with them?  

Speaker 1 How do you deal with them? What is the best way to deal with them?  Because a lot of it won't change. A lot of it is maybe the way they were raised, or just actually  

Dr. John Townsend - a lot does change? Really? You really can change. Yeah,  there are some that are very, very severe, and it's a whole different issue. They  they need lots of help and medication and all that. But a lot of them really can  change if you have the right approach, because everybody wants a good  relationship, and a person that has that self centered view, actually, they're very  lonely people, because looking in the mirror. It gets kind of old after a while. So  there's some things you can do. The very first thing is, I think, is to be vulnerable

with them and to say, I like what we're doing. I like who we are. You're having  coffee or whatever, and but you say, the way you impact me makes it hard to  feel close to you. Even a narcissist wants somebody to be close to it. So then  their first question is, well, it can't  

Speaker 4 be about me. Well, yeah, you're like, as usual, it is about you. No, no, you can't say because then  

Dr. John Townsend - the defensiveness comes. You kind of like, open the  kimono a bit and say, when you make it about yourself, I feel far away from you,  or I feel like I can't be open with you. And I would appreciate it if you would like,  enter my world more. And then they start kind of getting the glimmer that this is  how I can have a good relationship with this person. That's the, kind of the first  big  

Speaker 1 key. How do they even learn how to do that? Though, if they're so  used to doing it the other way they're so programmed to come from you're the  teachers,  

Dr. John Townsend - and you model it. You say, for example, you remember  when you asked me about, I asked you about your day, and you talked about,  you know, what the boss was like and the traffic was like, and how you killed it  on that account, how great it was. I want you to do that with me and ask me  questions that opened me up too. And you kind of say, here's the four or five  things I did to because I'm interested in you. And then they'll go, that's what I  say. And you say, yeah. So they'll say, Well, how was your day? And you go, Oh, you asked me how my day was. 

Speaker 2 Dr. John, what would you do if you've had this conversation many  times, at what point do you just go, okay, more severe than maybe, yeah. Or at  what point do you just kind of give up, hope them ever really changing? I never  have. So you don't give up. Never Have you continue having that conversation  with them. Well less.  

Dr. John Townsend - There are some people that you really shouldn't be around at all. They're very toxic. Those are the ones that you need lawyers, guns and  money around. I mean, they're just not they're destructive. But there are those  who are just kind of easier to work with. They'll say, I don't know. Okay, ask you  questions about myself. And then those in the middle category that are more  severe, what you have to do with them is you give them several chances, and  then at some some at some point, you got to say, I need to limit the amount of  exposure I have on our relationship. And if you decide that you're interested in 

my life and decide to enter my world and be nice to me, I'll spend more time. But some people don't listen to words. They listen to actions. So if you remove  yourself, if you remove yourself and say, Look, maybe I can't see you for a week because this didn't go well, but maybe if you're nice, next week we can talk, but  it's like your kid. You can tell your kid all day, stop beating your little sister on the  head with a little hammer. But until you have that kid in time out, they go, Oh,  they're serious. Sometimes you have to go to Actions besides just  

Speaker 1 words, exactly. Is it useful to point out in the conversation? When say  you've had the conversation about I'd really like you to ask me about me, and  then you find out, all of a sudden, you're asking me about me, but why are we  talking about you again? How does the how does the conversation? How do you say, Oh, you did that. Well, when I used to do this, or when I when that happens  to me, is it okay to point out? Like, okay,  

Dr. John Townsend - the best teaching or the best transformational experience  is in the moment, you just did a beautiful in the moment. Because then they go,  does that what you're talking about? Yeah, because when I just told you I had a  bad day, and you said, Well, I've had 14 bad days, that's what I'm talking about,  Sam, so can you stick with me a little bit longer? Because a person with  

narcissistic issues, it's like in football, you know, you lateral the ball to somebody and they Well, they take the ball and they don't lateral it back. They just go down the field. You got to say, keep the ball in my. Court a bit in the moment.  

Speaker 1 These are such good tips, and I feel like we've just there's  Dr. John Townsend - a lot of don't give up on there's a  

Speaker 1 lot of hope. There's hope. All right. Well, Dr Thompson is sticking  around. We're going to talk about setting boundaries with an ex spouse when  things just don't work out. That's another one that I feel is going to take a long  time to talk about. We're going to try it in a few minutes when we come back.