Video Transcript: Specialized Parenting Skills

All right, taking control of your parenting. This is the last video in this parenting  series, dealing with special parenting issues. And, you know, I'm not going to  cover everything, every possibility, but I, you know, I've been dealing with  parenting as if everyone has, you know, mother, father, you know, you know, a  typical kind of situation. And many parents face not only the challenges of  parenting, but extra things along the side. So I wanted to do address some of  those, as I know some of you are in that situation. First of all, number one single parent issues. People don't come out, you know, parents don't, at some point,  decide I'd like to be a single parent, a lot of times, things happen. And it's a  challenge, it's a challenge, because one parent is doing what two often struggle  to do. It, Parenting is hard enough when you have two. It's extra challenges.  Someone trying to do it all by themselves, Ecclesiastes 4, Two are better than  one, because you have a good return, they have a good return on their labor. If  either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls  down and has no one to help them up. A lot of single parents probably feel that.  That it goes well until it doesn't go well. And everything is resting on one parent.  And when when there's two parents, if one is down, the other one can step up.  Or when one doesn't know, then maybe the competence of the other one can  carry it through that you can sort of rely on each other. And a lot of times I found  in general in life, if one person is trying to lead and make something happen,  he's like the lonely Prophet crying in the wilderness. But if you have two people  that agree on something, they're like a movement, it's a lot more powerful, a lot  stronger, when you have a couple of people that are kind of going in a certain  direction. If it's only one person, then people feel like they can rebel against that  one person. Single Parent issues, what are they? First of all, dealing with the  death of a parent, some sometimes a person is a single parent, because one of  the spouses die. And now they're raising the kids on their own. So what are  some of those issues? Number Number one, there's the cover up of feelings.  Okay, the death of a spouse is probably the or close to the most traumatic thing  that you can go through. This is the person that's closest to you than than  anyone in the world. This is your partner, and all of a sudden, you don't have this partner. So what do you do, but you have to carry on as though sometimes the  remaining spouse just covers up this feels I you know, there's work to do, there's money to be made. There's parenting, I don't have time to wallow in depression  and, and grief, but, but they're covering up the feelings. And then the kids have  their own grief. And the whole family is like, like covering up what they really  feel. And that has negative consequences. Or there's unfocused anger. It might  be you know, sometimes it's at the spouse who didn't take care of themselves or did something and had an accident or sometimes it doesn't even make sense.  We're just angry at a spouse who's not here, even though it wasn't their fault, or  we're angry at God. God, why did you allow this to happen? So there's all this  anger, this, this, this hidden anger all throughout the household. Number three, I

call this timestamped. I've seen this often that when a child loses a spouse,  especially when they lose two, you know, both parents at one time, that that  often, children have a hard time going beyond whatever age that is. So if they're  10 years old, they're like 10 years old forever, even though they're 45 years old.  They have 10 year old qualities that they're, you know, what ever a 10 year old  is, is what they still are, or some are rebellious teenagers, and that's when a  parent dies. And there's sort of a rebellious teenager all the way through life.  They sort of get stuck at the time of the loss, and they don't go beyond that.  Attachment Disorder, the parent dies, there's grief, it's painful. And this is what  happens when you get attached to someone. So in order to save yourself pain  in the future, don't get attached to someone like that again. Rebellion, okay, that, again is working out the anger working out the grief, not sure what to do with  those feelings. So instead it comes out in rebellion against any kind of authority  and often with one parent, now that parent is taking on the authority of two  parents, and and kids, you know, kids will, kids will, will attack wherever they  see a weak link. You know, if there's two parents and one parent is the one who  gives in all the time, guess what the kids do, they go to the weak link. And when  there's only one parent, you know that, you know, the parent doesn't have the  support system that they used to have, that's a weak link, and kids will take  advantage of that week link. Okay, single parent issues dealing with divorce. So  in, in the case of a death of a spouse, it was like, Well, no one's fault. But here in divorce, there's a lot of blame that that can be thrown around. So it's a bit of a  blame game. And some kids blame themselves, or kids will blame one spouse  or the other spouse, or they blame the situation. There's just a lot of blame going on and not taking responsibility. The pawns syndrome. Okay, now you have two  households, kids, maybe spend some time with mom, and then they spend time  with dad. And you. Parents are often using the kids as a pawn in a chess game,  you know, the husband and wife are fighting or trying to get even or a little bit of  revenge or whatever it might be. And they can't do it directly. So they do it  through the kids. And the or, or I'm gonna get the kids to love me more than  they love you. The kids become a pawn in the brokenness of the husband and  wife. Number three distrust. Okay with divorce. I mean, marriage is marriage is  this example of commitment of love. Two people make a commitment, I commit  to love you unconditionally. Divorce is like a slap in the face of that. Right? The  kids are like, Okay, this is what a solid commitment looks like. It looks like  something that you do. And then when it doesn't work out, you undo it. So who  can you trust? You can't trust you can't trust people. You can't trust your friends.  You can't trust God. You can't trust the church. You can't trust your boss. You  can't trust anything. You can't trust the country attachment disorder okay, what  happens when you get attached to someone they hurt you they burn you don't  get attached? Rebellion, same sort of thing. You know, all this latent anger and  frustration often exhibits itself in rebellion. So what do you do? As a single 

parent, never assume that everything is okay. I can never assume that  everything is okay. Even though things might be rolling along. Always talk to  your kids communication with kids is the absolute key. That's number two, talk.  And listen, you I can't understate that enough. Or overstate that enough. talking  and listening. Keep talking and listening. Even when things don't you know, that  doesn't seem to be a problem. talk and listen. Because if the lines of  communication are open, then when there's a problem, you can deal with it. Ask  them how they're feeling about the breakup, how ask them how they're feeling  about, you know, their father or their mother dying and how do you feel right  now? How are you dealing with it? What's going on? What are your prayers  like? Let's pray together? Let's do this together. Let's not this not separately,  deal with our pain. Let's let's let's do this in community get help before it's  needed. A lot of times a single parent is heroically trying to do everything on  their own. And, and they're feeling maybe guilty about what happened. Or even  in the case of a spouse dying people end up feeling guilty for whatever reason.  Don't feel guilty. Don't Don't. Don't be a hero. Single Parenting is hard. In fact,  you can't do it. You cannot do it alone. So don't be afraid to get help. Get it Get  other adults into your child's life. Okay, Kids need it. This is true even if you have two parents, kids need other adults, uncles, aunts, friends, people that they get  that they can learn from teachers, coaches, pastors, youth workers. Kids need  as many good, mentoring, loving, caring adults in their lives as they can get.  That's especially true if you're a single parent. Make use of the church family.  Don't be apologetic on this. Again, don't be a hero. Let the church the church is  the body of Christ. We don't have perfect parents, we don't have perfect  families. And that's why we band together in this thing called the church. The  church is the bride of Christ. The Church is the Body of Christ Jesus is the head. But the church is the body let the body be the body. It says in I Corinthians 12  And Romans chapter 12, that God gives gifts. Why does he God gives gifts for  the good of the body. So people have specific God has specifically given gifts to  this body to help you out as a single parent. So don't be apologetic. Don't be too embarrassed to get help from the church and the church doesn't always church  doesn't is not always aware of what's needed. So don't just sit back and wait for  someone to show up. You take the leadership, you are the leader of your family,  take that leadership. blended families, that's another issue. Okay. So we have  divorce. And then we have people getting remarried. And then we have families,  you know, the kids are from one family. Kids are part of the other family. And  now they're trying to make it work together. The challenge? The challenge is this up to four parents trying to do what was designed for two. Okay you can see  where this could be a problem. blended families. Okay, problem number one  shared families with different discipline systems. So the kids go one place. And  there's one, you know, as a lassez-faire, do what you want sort of a discipline  system, they go to the next place. And there's all these rules. Now how's the kid 

going to adjust that from that? different income levels, values, religious beliefs,  political viewpoints, etc? Okay, we have two totally different families. And how's  this going to go and guess what kids tend to, you know, play one family against  the other so that they benefit. They think they're benefiting, right? Kids will work  

it so that they get what they want. But you know what, getting what you want  isn't always best for you. So that's the that's the downside. That's what kids don't realize that maybe the home that's more disciplined is actually doing the right  thing that's best for you. But you're going to use the family that doesn't do  discipline to try to get at the ones that do. So this is these are the broken things  that you have to deal with in a blended family. If step parents like some, you  know, how's that going to go now? Now I'm in a blended family and the mom  now is not my real mom. So the mom treats her kids differently than they treat  me. Or at least that's how I perceive it. Or that's my excuse when mom, you  know, does something to me. It's like, oh, yeah, you're treating me differently.  You know, I can use that now against her. Step siblings, right, okay. You're not  my real brother. You're not my real sister. We don't have to be a team. We don't  have to get along. feuds between the exes Okay, and the kids become the  pawns and is it so you can see how complicated it can get. I mean, when you  have two parents, it's already complicated and you have kids and all the  different relationships, you have daughters have sons and moms and dads and  how to relate to the different sexes. You see, it's complicated. Now you have like all these different families and all these different relationships, you've just  doubled the complexity. And life is already hard and people already are willing to use whatever excuses they can to get what they want. So now all of a sudden  you have all these ready made excuses for each. You're not my real mom, I  don't have to listen to you. You're not my real daughter. You're not my real son.  You're not my real father. Then we have now some ammunition that we can  throw around. money issues, okay? And money being used to you know, buy  love, okay? You come home to my house, I buy you all kinds of stuff to outdo the ex. Or one family has money one family doesn't and how how's that gonna work  out? Okay, so what do you do about it? Communication. Okay, again, keeping  communication lines open always talking what's going on what's going on in the  family. Let's talk about the different discipline systems. Let's talk about the  different religious systems. Let's be open and honest about all that's going on  instead of, you know, the, this feud that often takes place. Like, let's, let's try to  all understand what's going on here. Because we're all in this, we're all in this  together. Keep the peace. And there's no sense creating feuds that you send a  missile towards your ex, your ex sends a missile towards you. You, you start  causing trouble with your step brother, your stepson, or it just keeps going  around and keeps escalating. Treat our kids like they were your own. Okay, now  kids will take advantage and they'll do what they can they'll they'll say that you're not treating them the same. But and then you'll be like, I don't know what to do. 

You did the best of your ability. Treat your all your kids, your your biologic kids,  kids and your stepkids treat them all the same to the best of your ability. And  that's all you can do. And how they interpret things is their issue and their  problem. But you're doing the best to do this. Do normal good parenting. Okay, if this is your step, son, and he messes up, he doesn't follow through with what  he's supposed to do. And now you have to let them experience the negative  consequences of his choices. Don't like well, you know, he's my stepson. I don't  want I don't want him to feel like I don't love him. And all of a sudden you go soft on him. No, would you do that with your real son? No, then don't do it with the  stepson. I said real son, both are your real sons. One is your biological son?  One is your stepson they're both your sons treat them, both as sons. Apologize  when you don't, because, you know, just like I slipped up, you're gonna slip up  too, you're gonna say things that make them feel like, you know, that they're less than, you know, part of the family that these things are gonna happen. So deal  with it. Admit it, explain it. Yes, you're right. I said that. And sometimes, you  know, I maybe I treat my, my biological kids better. I, you know, I'm not trying to  help me. We're in this together. adopted children, challenges, attachment  issues. I see a lot of some adopted children. You know, it goes pretty good in the beginning, maybe when they're younger, but at some point, they realize, Hey,  what happened? What happened? And kids have kids go through problems  already. Kids are insecure at some point with kids and school and friends and all those things. But now an adopted kid can sorta go, yeah, and it's because I'm  adopted. Okay, that becomes a thing. Every kid has things and they, they will  attach it to something, it's because I'm the second born ,it's because I'm short  because I don't have the great hair, you know, kids will find something. So  adopted kids will find this it's no different than other kids. Every kid finds  something to sort of focus on some negative thing. Well, kids are going to do  that too. And sometimes adopted children, you know, they realize, Hey, me, how come my parents, my biological parents didn't want me? And is this what can  happen. And then they sometimes have attachment issues, they don't know how to protect themselves, they don't get too attached to anybody, because they  don't want to get hurt. They don't want to get left behind again. Even if they were infants when it happened, that that mentality, that feeling that thing in the  background is you could get left behind. It's a ready made excuse for any parent child conflict. You know, you're not my, you're not my real parent. I remember, I  first you know, as a as a pastor, pastoring is sort of like parenting. And I  remember, you know, people will be upset and they'll, you know, they'll take out  their anger out on the pastor and how often take it real personal how they don't  like me there, you know. But I remember we it was in our church in Vancouver,  we did these plays and in a church service and my wife, this is the only role she  ever took on but she took on the role of an adopted child, the teenager, and that  the father in this play was you know, sort of talking and she was sitting there and

you know, grumpy sitting at the table and, and and he was trying to deal with  something and try to talk to her. And finally, she looked at him and said, You're  not my real father. I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real father. And  then the actor playing the father role looks at her and he said, this line. You're  right. I'm not your real father. But I'm the father that's here. And I remember  when he said that, I'm the father that's here. I remember thinking, that's what I'm experiencing. As a pastor. I got people that maybe are angry with me, or they  express their anger at me, but they're really not angry at me. They're angry at  their real father, or whoever hurt them somewhere in their life. And they're just  taking it out of the father that's here. I'm just the father that's here. And I  remember when I understood that, when I heard that it was like, That's okay. I  don't mind that role. I am the father that's there. And if they need to take out their frustration and anger on this father, then I don't mind taking on that role. In fact,  that's what Jesus does doesn't need. All right, attachment issues. genetic  issues, okay. There can be genetic genetic issues that you don't know about,  why is your child doing this or doing that? And maybe it's because of some  genetic thing that you don't even know about? birth parent issues, okay. At some point, maybe the birth parents want to get involved, or maybe your child wants  to get connected to your birth parent? And who knows how that can go. Okay,  that that just brings in a whole complexity that goes beyond the ordinary  parenting sibling issues. Okay. This one's adopted, this one isn't this one. Let's  say your, your, your biological child is really good at sports. And your adopted  child isn't? Then, you know, how does that work? And you're encouraging and  cheering your biological child on? And then your adopted child's going? Yeah,  but what about me? So there's, there's all this tension, that that is possible. And  again, it's the same kind of tension that happens in any family. Let's see, now  you have this adopted thing that, that you know, that a child or anyone can sort  of put a label on. Well, it's because you're adopted, and it may not be that at all,  but that becomes an issue. What to do? Communication again, most of this  comes down to communication, talking about these things, having an open  forum that we can say how we're feeling, be consistent with all your children,  discipline, encouragement, opportunities, offered support, treat your kids all the  same. Get help from church and other adoptees, okay? You're not the only one  going through this. Others are going through the similar kinds of things, talk to  them, learn from them. By the way, we're all adopted, God decided in advance  to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ.  This is what he wanted to do, he gave and it gave him great pleasure. In some  ways in some ways the adopted person is wanted I don't want to say more than  the biological child but the adopted child is chosen. The biological child just well  just happens. So if you're an adopted child, and your parents that love you,  praise God for it. I know it's in some ways difficult. What happened with your,  your biological parents? I don't know. But at least you have people that love you.

And actually do care about you. There are plenty of biological kids who have  parents that don't love them grown children challenges. Alright, so now your  children have grown. They're out of the house. And now what do you do? How  does this you know, problems with in laws. so your children grow up and they  get married. And you now have a in-law daughter or in-law son and getting  along with him. There's there's issues with with that sometimes there's a threat.  Sometimes the daughter in-law or the son in-law is threatened by the family or  sometimes that person is always pushing your son or your daughter in the  direction of his family or her family and yours is sort of left behind. So there's all  these these issues with the in-laws situation. Distance, your kids get married,  and they live, you know, you know, I have a son who lives in Ecuador, I have  another son who lives in Washington, DC, and I'm here in Michigan, I got two  sons that live here, and they're married and the grandkids and so when I see  them, but, but the one in Ecuador, I don't see as often. So we have to do some  Skyping. It's a bit of a challenge, right? Then you have the leaving of the faith  situation. So you've taught your kids, you walk with them, you, you introduce  them to God, you brought them to church, now they leave the home, they get  married, they're having their own family, and they they walk away from it. They  walk away from the faith. They're not going to church, grandchildren, okay.  challenges with grandchildren, you know, not following, you know, walking away  from the faith, you know, getting into trouble. So, what's your role with that? And  then there's money, sometimes children, you know, one child gets a good job  and other one doesn't. This one has a need, that one doesn't have a need, how  do you how do you be fair with those kinds of things. Some passages about our  relationship to our children and beyond, since my youth, God you have taught  me, and to this day, I declare your marvelous deeds, even when I'm old and  gray, do not forsake me, my God till I declare your power to the next generation,  your acts to those who come. So our responsibility of parents is not just with our  kids, but it's to our grandchildren and our great grandchildren. What we do with  our kids now has an effect has a legacy. Psalm 78, he decreed statutes for  Jacob and establish the law in Israel, which he commanded our ancestors to  teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children  yet born, and they in turn would tell their children, then they would put their trust  in God and would not forget his deeds, but would keep his commands. Okay, so  just let me let me just say something about that. So this is an issue, parent, you  know, you raise your kids in the knowledge of God, and then they walk away  from it. I had a, someone who worked for me. And that was the situation with her son, the son stopped going to church, the grandchildren not going to church.  And then the parents are like, you know, what, what do we do? What do we  say? And then they tended to say things, like, hey, we didn't see you in church,  or hey, when, when are my grand-kids going to give me a Sunday school paper,  they said, all these little sort of passive aggressive things that came off really 

negative to this, the son and his wife and the kids, you would walk away from  church. So there's this little tension, and they don't know whether to push or to  let go, or what to say or what not to say. So I sat down with her and I said, Well,  have you ever just sat down with your son? And just told him not what you want  him to do? Not what you expect him to do? Not how disappointed you are. But  the the fear that you have? Do you have fear? Yes, I do. Sometimes I wake up  in the middle of the night, and I'm in a cold sweat, because I think about my  grand-kids not knowing God, and I get to heaven, and they're not there. And it  just, I can't even get to sleep then. I said, Okay, why not call him up and say, I  want to meet with you, and have lunch and just express your fears, express your concern and express what you're going through? Not not what you want him to  do. Just tell the truth of how you're feeling. So she did. And it just opened the  lines of communication. Son ended up coming back to church and the kids and  the grand-kids. And you know, is it an incredible, you know, show of God that,  you know, Proverbs 22, train a child in the way he's going when he is old, he will not turn from it. You're never done as a parent. And never give up as a parent.  Never give up on any of your kids. I don't care how far they've strayed, or how  far they've walked away. But instead of pushing and poking them, to get back to  God, express your opinion, you know, again, it comes down to communication,  just talk to them. Then we have children with health challenges. Here Jesus is  raising this girl from from the dead. Drugs and alcohol. Okay, kids get into this  stuff and what do you do? Anorexia? Anxiety? Depression. ADD we live in an  ADD world, Okay, the kids can't focus and what do you do mental capacity  Some? Some kids are challenged mentally and what do you do? So there's all  these health kinds of concerns and I don't have the magic answer for all of you.  Some of you are in the middle of these things. I'm sorry, I didn't have that. Let  me show the slide here. Drugs and alcohol, anorexia, anxiety, depression, ADD  mental capacity. Here, Jesus is healing this. Jesus cares. In other words about  our health. He cares about your kids, and you care about your kids. And what,  what do you do? Let me write one word here. Get help. You don't do these  things on your own. If you have special needs in your family, hello, they're called special needs. These are needs that are beyond the average. It's hard enough  being a parent, when you have the average situation, but you don't have the  average situation you have the beyond the average situation. So you need help. Okay, you need help. If your child is struggling with ADD, for example, there's  others that are struggling, what do you do? Do you give them you know, some  medication? Do you not give them medication? You know, ADD is just a creative kid. Right? Who, who sees all the possibilities, and he can't, he can't focus on  one thing, because there's too many things in his life. Talk to people who are  struggling with that same thing, or anxiety, or all these different things, don't let it go. Don't Don't be embarrassed by the struggle within your own family. Again,  that's what the church is for. So I'm gonna I'm gonna conclude here. I hope I 

hope this has been a blessing to you this parenting is the greatest honor that  God gives people. And, you know, he allows us to bring a new life into this  world. And he allows us to nurture and train them. And it's a daunting task. But  God believes that we can do it. He doesn't give us things that he doesn't think  we can do. And we can, we don't have to be perfect. But we, but we have to do  you know, we have to do our diligence. So, you know, try to put these things that we've talked about, in the last few sessions, try to put them into practice, and  maybe go over them over and over again, make this stuff second nature to you,  because it's easy to lose hope. It's easy to lose ground. It's easy to get  discouraged and feel like you're the worst parent in the world. That's, I know,  that's what a lot of you feel like you feel like you're the worst parent in the world.  Maybe your parents weren't that great. And now you're looking at yourself and  going and I'm not that great either. You know what? You're doing the best that  you can. But challenge yourself, keep growing, keep learning. Never give up.  And admit, you know, when you fail, admit it to your kids and then carry on.  You're giving a good example to your kids. You make a mistake. You admit it,  and then you try to do better. So God bless you and your parenting.