Video Transcript: How Does Semi-Directive Coaching Work?

All right, we're back. And this is the coach coaching basics. Two or part two, we  started looking at the semi directive, we looked at the directive looked at the non directive, this class really is about semi directive. And we looked at why it might  

be a good idea, it might be a good idea, because you have a client that that is  more motivated if they have a more active role. Or you might be more directive,  if you have a client who's already motivated, knows what skill they want to learn, and they're willing to learn. So it just depends on the person depends on the  situation depends on what you're actually working on. So there's a lot of good  reasons why you might use a semi directive approach. How would you do it?  But what exactly is involved in this? So how does semi directive coaching work?  All right, three things coaches do. So this is just a reminder again, remember  what they were? Now, if you took the first class, you should be able to answer  this without me telling member what they are. First one. Decision, okay, help the  clients figure out what they want to do. What do you want to do in life? What do  you want to do with your parenting? What do you want to do with your  marriage? What do you want to do with your career? What do you want to do  with the all the training that you've received that Christian leaders Institute?  What do you want to do? Secondly, help the clients figure out what to do how to  do what they want to do. It's one thing to figure out what you want to do. I want  to I want this career. Okay. Well, what's the plan to get there? Okay, I want to I  want to go to Africa, okay, that's where you want to go. But how do you get  there, you got to have a plan. And then finally, help the client do what they plan  to do. In other words, you can make a plan, but often the management of that  plan, because, you know, you can make a plan, this is how I'm gonna get  somewhere, but it never goes that way. There's always bumps and turns in the  road. And so what do you do when you hit a bump in the road? What do you do  when you come to a turn? And, you know, in the direction? What do you do  when things aren't turning out the way you thought they would? How do you  man? How do you stick with it? How many times? How many times a day? Are  you going to work at it? How many times a week are you going to work? And  how many hours are you going to give to it? There's a whole management, okay, so help the client figure out what they want to do decision, help them figure out  how to make a plan. And finally help them manage this whole process. Okay,  helping them figure out what they want to do the decision is semi directive  coaching, this has already been decided by the coach in some way. Example,  for example, what he or she is offering, or the client who's coming to a particular  coach, because he or she is an expert in a particular skill. In other words, either  the coach is offering a class or something in a particular subject, I'm willing to  coach people in this subject, parenting, marriage, career path, whatever it might  be, or a student is now seeking out a coach who is an expert who knows  something about a particular area of life that they already want to pursue. In  other words, the decision part, what I want to do as a client has already been 

decided. So I mean, that's a really good one to do this semi directive coaching.  The person doesn't need to have someone sit down and ask, Well, what do you  want to do, because they already know what they want to do. So again, by the  way, if you're going to do semi directive, coaching, knowing something is good,  and being known for knowing these things, so that people clients can seek you  out. Or if you put on a class in a particular subject area, like I'm going to put a  class on parenting and I have 20 people in this class. And then afterwards, we'll  you know, whoever wants to we're going to do some coaching by the way, this is a really good way to get the clients is you can have a class of 20, 30, 40 people, then out of that you're going to actually coach five of them, take the time to you  know, do the whole process. Okay, so for example, as as a coach, I might be  interested in offering a class on parenting, marriage or communication, the client will then take my class because of this, this is an area that he or she is looking  to improve. And then afterwards, I can do something with that. Or, as a client, I  may seek out a specific coach because they are expert in a specific area that  I'm interested in being coached in, okay. So, I want to look at the dirt directive  part, let's say I'm going to do a class on parenting. I'm going to do the class on  parenting, invite people, your parents that want to learn something more about  parenting, and the class part is going to be very directive. So I took a bunch of  things from my coaching, parenting, one credit class, the one credit class, it  talks about attitudes that you want to help your children get as a parent. And it  talks about skills that you want to teach your children by the way, I think this is  absolutely key. If you're a parent, you need to take these classes just for your  own parenting. And then if you're a coach, I mean, this. I see this is one of the  biggest needs in our world today is parenting. Parents are like floundering that  the culture is, is just steamrolling over parents. And kids are being influenced by  the world around them in a way that we have never seen in human history. And  parents are becoming less and less qualified, savvy, understanding, confident  with what they're supposed to do parents, I think, feel at an all time lost as to  what to do, or insecurity that, you know, am I doing the right thing. And so this is, that's why I picked this as a good example of what I'm talking about. But I'm just  sort of an aside, if you're a parent, you got a basic, basic basic things that you  need to understand. Alright, so if I'm teaching this class, there's the directive  part. So I'm going to teach the attitudes, for example, and teach the attitudes  that every parent needs to try to give to their children. So the first attitude is the I am somebody you want your child to grow up thinking I am somebody. I'm not a  nobody. I am somebody. And what makes me somebody, how does the kid get  that sense that they're somebody, Psalm 139, you've made all the delicate inner  parts of my body and knit them together in my mother's womb. Thank you for  making me so wonderfully complex, it's amazing to think about your  workmanship is marvelous. And how well I know. Okay, so being somebody as a child of God, okay, that that's the attitude that we want our children to have. And 

how do we do that as parents. So the class will talk about that. These are the  ways that you give your kids that sense that they are somebody as a child of  God, not I am somebody because I'm good at sports. Or, you know, because I  make a lot of money or because, no, I am somebody as a child of God, I've  been gifted, you know, all the reasons that make a child somebody being a child of God again. Okay, then there's the I am needed. Okay, so as parents, how do  we give our kids the sense that they're needed, you know, you know, back  generations. You know, in the past, kids grew up on the farm and they were  needed. You know, we, the fields had to be done the cooking, the cleaning, the  making candles, all the work that it took just to run a household required  everybody to be on deck. But now, you know, how is a child needed. How's your son needed? How's your daughter needed? How do you communicate? So that  they grew up thinking that they are a part? I mean, even people in church, to  most people going to church think they're needed at their church. In order  whenever I meet someone that goes to a huge mega church, I always ask, Are  you needed? Would you be missed if you weren't there? I Corinthians 12:27.  Now here's what I'm trying to say all of you together are the one body of Christ.  And each one of you is a separate and necessary part of that. How do we how  do we communicate that to our children? That there are separate necessary part of this family? They're a separate necessary part of the church. They're a  separate necessary part of what God is trying to do in the mission of his  kingdom. The I am sorry, wrong direction I am needed. Next one. I can do it.  Attitude. Not the, I can't do it. So many kids have the I can't do it attitude. Would  you like to try this? No, I can't do it. I mean, I see that in the church, you know,  by the time kids that think they can't do anything, by the time they become  adults. You know, when you start looking for people to run programs in the  church? Well, I can't do it. I can't speak I can't do it. I can't share the gospel. I  can't. How do you give kids the I can do it attitude? Mark 9:23. If you can, said  Jesus. Everything is possible for him who believes. So how do we give our kids  that sense that everything is possible? So, you know, in this time, you know, as  I'm running this class, I'm teaching. I'm saying this is the different ways that we  can do it. The I am not the center attitude. Because so many people, kids,  adults, are growing up thinking they're the center of the universe, that I am, what it's all about. No, how do we teach kids? The I am not the center attitude. I am  not what it's all about. Luke 9:23, then he Jesus said that to them all, whoever  wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and  follow Me, not turn from it. And that's okay. How do we give this attitude? So  here again, I'm teaching these teaching how parents can give kids this attitude.  Okay, some skills, the skill of this is all from the class on parenting, the skill of  self discipline, okay, if the kid doesn't have self discipline, he's going to follow  the whims of his heart. And that's when we get into trouble. That discipline is the ability to put off today for something better tomorrow. Discipline, and you have to

do it. So much of what we do with our kids is not self discipline, it's external  discipline. You know, you go to school, they tell you what to do. They tell you at  this hour, we do this at this, or we do that, then you come home, and parents do  the same thing. And then when kids finally get out of the house, get out of  school, they can't manage their lives. Why? Because they need someone to tell  them what to do. And then they don't want to be told what to do. But they don't  know what to do in and of themselves. And so it becomes a life of chaos.  Proverbs 20:3, sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our  ways. That's what discipline is. Discipline is painful sometimes. The skill of  communication. There's so much miscommunication. How do you know what's  true? How do you know what's not true? How do you communicate in a positive  winning way? That that that influences people that leads people you know what  the church is missing or need today, more than anything is leaders. People who  are willing to step up and say, Follow me, like Paul. I follow Christ. Follow my  example, as I follow Christ. But you have to learn how to communicate these  things that you know, or no one will follow you. And now a word to you parents  Ephesians 6:4, don't keep on scolding, nagging your children and making them  angry and resentful. rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord  Himself approves with suggestions and godly advice. Teach them how to  communicate the skill of responsibility. Taking responsibility you we live in a,  someone should do it for me culture. We live in a It's not my fault. It's somebody  else's fault. It's the government's fault. It's my parents fault. My teachers fault my boss's foul. It's the cultures fault. It's not my fault. So we're all sitting around  blaming everything around us. And then who's doing anything positive to change anything? Well, nobody. The only way to take response the only way to change  anything is to take responsibility in the first place. I take responsibility for what's  happening in my family. Now I can do something about it. If I don't take  responsibility, then what can I do? I see Churches in decline, and that the people that go to these churches, well, you know, we had a bad pastor. Well, we had,  you know what? You're responsible, the people that are still there, you are  responsible for that church take responsibility, your church is the way it is  because of you. If you take responsibility, maybe you can do something about it. But what is that imperative? How do you teach that to a child? There are specific ways to actually teach this to a child. By the way, the number one way to teach  responsibility to a child is to give them responsibility, and then let them  experience the consequences of their choices. That's the tough part. Okay. The  skill of judgment, making good judgments, having this sense of what is right, and what is wrong? First of all, a child has to know what is right, and what is wrong.  And then how to discern when things are a little dicey. Okay, so how do you  teach that? Proverbs 3:13, a man who knows right from wrong and has good  judgment, and common sense is happier than the man who is immensely rich,  for such wisdom is far more valuable than precious jewels. Nothing else 

compares with it. Okay, so let's say you've taken this class taught this class to  some parents these attitudes, these skills. Okay, now what you started off in a  directive style of coaching, but now you're going to shift over to a more non  directive style of coaching in the same space. One way to add a little non  directive into a teaching situation is to ask a lot of questions that you can do this  with any teaching, any directive teaching, you can always ask a few questions.  For example, the I am somebody entity. Okay, Psalm 139, you made all the  delicate inner parts of my body and knit them together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making these a wonderful complex. It's amazing to think about  your workmanship is marvelous how well I know it. I'm a child of God. Okay, I've  been taught all these things. Okay, but now you ask them question. I could  explain. You know, I could give a whole sermon and I have on this one concept,  how do you give your kids a somebody's attitude? And I can, you know, I have a  sermon that goes on and on for 30 minutes above. So I can teach all of that. Or,  I can do a little teaching, but a lot more questions. Like, for example, I'll just give  you how does Psalm 139 relate to parenting? So I read Psalm 139, talks about  how we've been made in how delicate and God's thoughts and all those things.  Okay. Well, how does that? How does that relate to parenting to you? Now the  client has to go? Oh, okay. You know, they have to think for themselves. I don't  know exactly what they're going to say. But they're probably going to say  something about God and how being a child of God makes you somebody, I  don't know. But see, you're helping them answer their own question. Number  two, what did your parents do to make you feel like when you feel like you are  somebody? What did your parents did they say, you know, when you did  something good, did they did they notice? Did they say man, you you know, did  was was everything performance oriented? You know, they said positive things  to you when you did well. And they said negative things when you did poorly so  that you think you are somebody only when you do well? Or do they somehow  communicate to you that you're special that you're still my child even though you messed up that their love was not dependent on your performance. See, now  getting the client to think about that is really going to be helpful as they're  thinking about what they could or should do with their with their children.  Because if their parents did it, did the whole parenting and in a performance  oriented manner, then that's probably what you know what I'm doing now. Okay,  so now all of a sudden I realized this. Oh man, I'm not giving my kid is the I am  somebody attitude I'm giving my kids the I am somebody if I perform really well  attitude, which is I am not somebody because we all feel like we fail. Number  three, how did you get your sense of self worth? You know, maybe it was a  teacher. I remember my fifth grade teacher we made a paper mache something  or other I made a paper mache, Abraham Lincoln overcoat and everything  teacher came by and said you are creative. And then walked away. One  sentence changed my life. From that moment on from fifth grade on, I thought I 

am a creative I am somebody I'm creative. God has made me creative. I have  been that ever since I've used that I've, you know, when I wrote papers in  college, you know, when the teacher said very interesting. That's what I was  looking for not an A not a B, I didn't care what I wanted was, that's interesting.  When I preach a sermon, that's interesting when I do a class like this, well, that's interesting. Creative. How did you get your sense of self worth? And how does  that now relate to parenting? Your parenting? Number four, what are you  positively doing right now give your kids a sense of self worth? What do I do? If  he asked me? You know, I have four boys, and they're all out of the house. But  what am I doing now? That's a really good question. And it forces you to do  some really good thinking. And if you come up with a bunch of negative things,  then what guess what, you're really motivated, you know, I gotta change some  things. That's, as a coach. See, that's what I'm helping you, the client to do to  get motivated about doing something. about changing something. Number five,  what are you doing? Or not doing that hurts your kids self worth? That's a little  painful. What am I doing to hurt my kid's self worth? Seeing? And if I think of a  few things, you know, and I can think of similar my own kids, I don't, I don't  verbally affirm them. My kids do all kinds of great things. But I don't specifically  go out of my way to say, you know, I saw this or heard this. You know, I do it  every now and again. But why don't I do it more often? If you're a coach, and  you ask that question, it makes me Wow. I gotta get I gotta. There's so many  things I could do that are simple that I, you know, I can put an email like, why am I not doing this? All of these, now I can teach all these things. Okay, most  parents don't do this. Right. And most parents don't do that. Right. They're not  encouraging. And often I can say all these things, but it wouldn't impact you, the  client as much as me asking a few key questions. Number six, where does the  sense of self worth come from? You see how these, these are kind of deep  questions. By the way, you know, some of you are looking at these questions  going well, how am I ever figure out all these questions? I mean, you know,  they're really good questions, but I don't think I can figure them out. There's a bit of a pattern here. One way, when you ask questions, is to look at people's past.  You know, here's the topic, how were you raised? Or how were you not raised?  Or how will you wish you were raised? So it has to do with your own upbringing.  Then notice, then I moved on to well, what are you doing now? What do you  what are you doing with your children? Now? What are you doing in your future  now? So if we're talking about a career, I might be asking things like, well, you  know, when you're a kid, what was the first job you ever did? What was the first  job you ever liked? What did you like about your first job? What didn't you like  about your first job? I'm asking questions about your own experience that you've already had. Then as you think, towards your future, you see other people in  your life. What job looks really cool. What What person do you admire, and you  wish that maybe you could do something like that? I mean, it's very simple. 

You're looking at the past, you're looking at the present, you're looking at The  future and all the questions that are resolved around that. So it's really not that  hard. Number seven, what would a healthy self worth look like? So there's kind  of a future thing, right? We looked at your parents how you were raised as a  child, we're looking at what you're doing as a parent now. And now we're looking at the future, what would a healthy self worth look like? If you think about into  the future? What would that look like? So questions, how do you how do you  begin this semi directive coaching process? You teach certain things, give them  enough information. You know, I said with, you might be teaching a class on  parenting. But then as you delve into it, you pepper it with questions, past,  present future, and that helps your client own the teaching part of this whole  thing. So questions is one good way on the how. In the next session, we'll look  at another way