Video Transcript: What are Your Conflict Stories?

Welcome to Restoring Relationships, Transforming Justice.   My name is Brian D Cook.  I'm an attorney and the executive director of a ministry called PeaceFire.  I also work as a conflict consultant for a company called Two Fires - Conflict Coaching and Consulting.  I've been working with people in conflict for the better part of 30 years, as well as dealing with my own conflicts.  And one thing I know that is that everyone has conflict stories.  We all experience conflict.  But we all process and respond to conflict in different ways.  

I want to share two stories with you that start with what appeared to be similar facts.  They're both stories that relate to drunk driving incidents where people died in those accidents.  The first is a story about we'll use the man's name of Kevin.  Kevin was at a party one night and he was with some friends.  They'd had too much to drink.  Kevin got behind the wheel.  Three of his friends piled in and a fourth passenger got in a car with them who was not one of their close friends but an acquaintance.  As Kevin started driving, this fourth person was seated right behind Kevin, and he shook the seat and asked him to slow down.  Well, Kevin lost control of the vehicle and veered off the road, glanced off a sign and hit a tree.  Kevin survived the accident, as did that fourth passenger, but Kevin's three friends all died.  This crash occurred when Kevin was 18-19 years old, just out of high school heading to college.  His friends were the same age.  Three years after the incident, Kevin petitioned the court to reduce his sentence.  He was sentenced to 20 years in prison.  When Kevin's petition became known to the community, some of the other families wrote to the court and responded to his petition with outrage.  Kevin's story illustrates how relationships are damaged in the midst of conflict.  Kevin's conflict story is going to impact the rest of his life.  And those damaged relationships from the night of the incident are still in conflict today.  Still in conflict as he tries to maneuver through the justice system.

Now I want to tell you a story about Joe and Amy.  Joe was an alcoholic.  And his story was he was out driving on the freeway, lost control of his vehicle hit another vehicle that was being driven by a 17-year-old girl named Amy.  Amy was killed.  Joe survived.  Before Joe's case came to trial, he met with a pastor and he gave his life to Jesus Christ.  He decided to change his plea from not guilty to guilty.  He was hoping that the judge would have mercy on him and reduce the length of his sentence.  But that didn't happen.  The judge gave Joe the maximum sentence allowable under the law which was 10 years at that time.  Joe went to prison and began to walk out his faith in prison.  He served in the hospital at the prison and he also served at hospice later in his time.  

Well after seven and a half years, and Joe was released, and one day Joe received a call from Amy's brother.  He wanted to meet with Joe.  They met for a couple hours.  And during that meeting, Joe heard from Amy's brother, everything that he remembered about his sister, everything that Joe had taken from him.  Joe met soon thereafter with Amy's father and they met for two hours.  And Amy's father conveyed to Joe everything that Joe had taken from him when he took Amy in that accident.  And finally Joe met with Amy's mother.  Amy's mother had prepared a three-hour video of Amy's life.  And Joe watched that video and heard a mother's grief as she shared what she had lost in that accident that night.  

The great thing about those meetings is that as a result of those meetings, Joe asked for forgiveness from Amy's family.  And they extended that forgiveness to him.  And today, Joe works as a staff member of Prison Fellowship International.  Joe's moving forward with his life.  

As we look at those two contrasting stories, when we look at Kevin, and how his as a story right now have a story of retribution that looks backward, the community, those families affected by his conduct that are bitter, perhaps, angry with him, wounded, those relationships have not been restored, and everything they think about Kevin is based on that one night of his life a series of poor choices he made that night.  And to them, that's who he is.  Contrast that story with Joe's story, and his relationship with Amy's family, with her family members.  Joe is no longer defined by what happened that night on the freeway.  He's restored relationship with them to the extent possible to where they have all been able to move on and look forward rather than look backward.

So what is conflict?  We'll use the definition of conflict in this class of a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests are concerns.  So it's not just a disagreement.  Conflict is not just when two people disagree.  We can disagree with one another without creating a conflict.  But when that disagreement is accompanied by a perceived threat to someone's needs, or someone's interests, or someone's concerns, conflict will arise.  

There are five types of conflict that we'll address in this class.  And the dynamics of conflict that we'll talk about, we'll apply it in each of these types of conflict.  First, there's conflict within the individual inner conflict, no one else can see it.  But we know we have those conflicts within ourselves.  There's interpersonal conflict, which is conflict between two people.  There's conflict between an individual and a group.  There are intergroup conflicts, groups within a group that are conflicted with one another.  And then finally, there are inter organizational conflicts where competing organizations are in conflict with one another.  The dynamics of conflict that we'll discuss in this class will apply in all of these types of conflicts.  

There's a sixth conflict that will apply in this class.  It is relevant to this class because we're going to be talking about the dynamics of conflict from a biblical perspective.  And that six type of conflict is the conflict between God and man.  The Bible tells a conflict story.  It's a story of justice.  Psalm 9:7-9 reads, “The Lord reigns forever; He has established His throne for judgment.  He will judge the world in righteousness, He will govern the peoples with justice.  The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”  Justice is important to God.  

The Bible, the Bible's conflict story also tells us a story of love.  In Romans 3:25-26, we read, “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.  He did this to demonstrate his justice because in his forbearance, he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished.  He did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus”

Do you understand what that verse those verses are saying? Those verses are saying that God has a standard of justice.  He has a standard of what the Bible calls righteousness, what is right and wrong in his sight.  And from the story in the book of Genesis and the fall of man in the Garden of Eden from the history of our own lives, we know that we do not measure up to God's standard of righteousness.  We can never be justified in his sight, on our own doing.  But Jesus Christ came to this earth to satisfy that standard of justice.  He lived a sinless life, and then laid that life down as payment for the sins of all mankind.  So that God the Father looks at the sacrifice of that son, and anyone who believes and receives that sacrifice for themselves, he treats them as if they're just because of his love.  Jesus Christ, displayed both God's love and satisfied God's justice at the cross.  God identifies with our conflict stories; He identifies with your conflict story.  Jesus Christ identifies with offenders.  

In Isaiah 53:12, we read, “Therefore, I will give him a portion among the great and he will divide the spoils with the strong because he poured out his life unto death and was numbered with the transgressors.  For He bore the sin of many and made intercession for the transgressors.  Jesus Christ loves offenders.  Jesus Christ can relate to offenders, because he carried all of the offenses to the cross.  He was numbered with the transgressors.  He died on the cross amidst two other transgressors.  Jesus Christ can identify with the offender.  

But Jesus Christ also identifies with victims.  In Romans 8:38-39, we read, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, or anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ, our Lord.  He loves victims.  He was a victim.  He was betrayed by a friend.  He was arrested and went through a show trial, he was nailed to a cross though he never sinned.  If anyone ever was ever evicted, it was Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ loves victims.