Video Transcript: Emmerson Eggerichs on Two Key Ingredients to Successful Relationships

In 1973 my wife, Sarah and I married, met at Wheaton College, and we were  newlyweds and in Chicago areas where Wheaton is, and my parents, I grew up  in Peoria, Illinois, which is several hours south, and we decided to go home  there for the weekend. At that time, I wore contact lenses and and I got to  Peoria, and I was going to bed, and I realized I had forgotten my contact lens  case. So what am I going to do? So I decided to improvise. I got two juice  glasses, filled them with water, and took my one contact out, put it in the juice  glass, took the other one out and put it in. And then I took both juice glasses and placed them on the back of the toilet and went to bed. I don't, don't get ahead of  me. So the next morning, I awakened, poured the one out, yeah, there it is, and  put it in and poured out the and I there was no second contact. It was nowhere.  Nowhere, I mean, I looked at the inside the it was nowhere. So I go out, my wife, Sarah, is with my mom and dad in the kitchen, and I said, Sarah, did, did you do anything with those two juice glasses on the back of the toilet in the middle of  night or anything? She says, no, no, yes, I did. I got up in the middle of night and took a pill and used one of those juice glasses. She drank my contact. I was in  disbelief. I couldn't believe it. I said, I can't believe that you drank my contact.  She said, Well, I can't believe that you put your contact in a juice glass. Well, I  can't believe that you drank out of a juice glass on the back of a toilet and we  had this moment of heated fellowship. And as newlyweds, as a young 20  something, I was angry. I couldn't believe she'd done this, you know, and I'm  getting more and more, and my mom and dad are witnessing this, and I'm, I'm  just, you know, here we are. And at a certain point, Sarah's spirit deflated. Have  you ever had a conflict with someone like your spouse or close family member  when you have an issue that's going on here, when suddenly the issue is no  longer the issue, and you see the spirit of the person deflate. My question is,  what is the issue when the issue isn't the issue? Something else was going on in Sarah at that moment. And I'll come back to that in a second. Fast forward, it's  Christmas time and again, we go down to Peoria to be with my mom and dad  with Christmas. And Sarah was raised in Indiana. She's a Hoosier. Her dad had  over 2000 acres of corn. She's a farm girl. She was Miss Congeniality of Boone  County, and she can do it all, you know, the 4h stuff and sewing and everything.  Well, I didn't know it, but she made me a jean jacket. And this was her special  Christmas gift to me. And it was that last gift that you give, right? And so that  moment came Christmas morning, and she now hands me her last and and the  best gift, and she's grinning. And I open it up, it's a jean jacket, and I put it on,  thank you. And I'm looking at and she said, You don't like it. No, I do like it. You  don't like it. She says, Sarah, no, I like it. You don't like it. I said, Sarah, why are  you telling me that I don't like it? Because in our family, when we like something, we go, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you. Said, in our family, we say, thank you. And during that moment, my  spirit just kind of deflated, and I kind of just disengaged. Why? Because it wasn't

about the jean jacket at that moment, and I didn't get in tune exactly with what,  what, what I was feeling till years later. But I remember, I remember that scene,  because you see, the issue wasn't the issue at that moment. Something else  was going on in my spirit, and I wasn't totally in tune with what it was I'm going  to share with you today that there are two key ingredients for successful  relationships, primarily in marriage, the research we're going to point out in just  a second, and also what the Scripture says, but there is application in any  relationship between men and women where you basically care about the other  person. It applies because it's really a male and female, not a husband wife  issue. And I'm going to propose to you that when the issue isn't the issue with  the woman, there's usually one thing that's going on in her spirit at that moment  in time, just one see if I can make the case. You don't have to buy into that  contention at this point. And when the issue isn't the issue with the man, there's  one thing going on in him, and again, just one in most cases. What's fascinating  is that they're not the same. One thing that one thing in her is different, that one  thing in him is different from the one thing in her, and this is why it makes it  interesting, because when that spirit deflates, we have a tendency to see them  as childish. Oh, brother. Oh, what? Oh, oh. Now, what did I say? And I'm not  exaggerating with some of you. So what are these two key ingredients that  make for successful relationships? The University of Washington studied 2000  couples. We'll look at the research first 2000 couples for 20 years in their love  laboratory. And in this love laboratory, they were not only taking copious notes  clinical psychologists and social workers and different things, they were  videotaping. They also had husbands and wives connected with what we call  BPMs. They were measuring the beats per minute of the heart, the physiology,  what was going on. Because as people stay in that kind of a situation, you let  your hair down, and you just kind of are yourself. And they kind of just said, Be  yourself, you know. And so at a certain point, people just react to each other like  they would in the home. They weren't always feeling they were under, you know, supervision. Just be yourself. And as they got into this, they over the 20 year  period, they said, we now know the two key ingredients for successful  marriages. And when those two ingredients are present, the marriage generally  speaks, succeeds. When those two are not there, the marriage will fail. And of  course, think bell curve here. There's no dogmatic absolute. If they're always  present. The relationship will succeed if they're not, but in the huge, vast,  statistically significant way. Yeah, these are the two key ingredients. Well, what  did they say? They were love and respect, and they said it doesn't make any  difference certain factors, certain variables. I mean, it didn't make any difference. The age of the couple didn't make any difference, how much money they had,  their economic status. It didn't make any difference on any front, they could have been the volatile type couples or the avoidant type couples. And volatile doesn't  mean violent. It just means, you know, they're very expressive with each other. 

Others just don't deal with conflict. They just are quiet. It didn't make any  difference the style of argument, economic status, number of children, etc. What they found is those relationships that succeeded were carried along with a tone  of love and respect toward each other while they were dealing with those real  issues. In other words, people think if we didn't have money problems, we'd  have a great relationship. No, that's not true. It's the lack of love and respect you show toward the spirit of the other person while you're addressing the money  problems. There are people in India have no money but have great marriages.  There are people with more money than they know what to do with and have  horrible marriages. There's no correlation. The stress is real. But what the stress simply does is reveal who we are. It doesn't cause us to be who we are. It  reveals whether or not I'm going to choose to be a loving person, respectful  person, toward you while I'm upset with you, even though I'm mad, I'm going to  show a positive regard toward your spirit while I'm addressing the issue. And if I  don't do that, you're going to deflate at a certain point because you're vulnerable to hostility and contempt or the appearance of it. And so we mislead ourselves.  If we didn't have the in law issues, if we didn't have the child issues, if we didn't  have the work relation issues, we didn't have the employment problems. if we  didn't have the money issues, health issues. I mean, you can go on and on and  on and on, and these are real issues. We're not minimizing some of you. You  lose a five year old child, the cancer and the child dies. I mean, these are real  issues, but they're not the cause of the relationship ending in divorce. They just  bring out that which is there, and as painful as that is, it's really an excitement  should generate from this, because we realize we can control far more than we  think. We're not helpless, hopeless victims, although we feel it that way at  certain moments. But as the University of Washington studied those 2000  couples for 20 years, and found love and respect as the two key ingredients.  They saw some gender differences. For instance, during these conflicting  moments between this man and woman, they discovered over 2000 couples 20  years that 85% of those who at a certain point withdrew and stonewalled and  just backed away from the emotional argument. The conflict is the male 85% this isn't pigeonholing the man. This is not stereotyping the man. This is a pattern  that's predictable. It's statistically significant. Off The Charts, he withdraws. Now  15% of the women withdraw. My mother withdrew from my father, my dad. Had  rage issues. When I was two and a half, three years old, I saw him attempt to  strangle my mother. There were issues that wounded me. I was eventually sent  to a military school from age 13 to 18. So I come out of a family we were not  Christ followers that had some real challenges. My mother withdrew. But women withdraw for different reasons. They withdraw out of fear, fear that their emotions are going to be dismissed, that they're going to be put down. The husband's  going to justify himself and blame her. And so she shuts down, not because she  wants to, but because she feels there's no point in connecting because he won't 

be responsive to me. Men, on the other hand, withdraw for a different reason.  But the women were asked, Why? Why? Does your husband do this? They  didn't know. What do you feel when he withdraws from you? And they said this,  it feels like an act of hostility, the opposite of love. It feels like he hates me. Act  of hostility, is what they say. But I've been studying men for a long time, and I  know that from that research, and also my own research, that they discovered  that when men are in these conflicted moments, their heartbeats get to 99 beats per minute the BPMs. That's what we call warrior mode. That's what happens to  a man physiologically, before he throws himself on a hand grenade to save his  buddies in war. This is what happens to him when someone invades your home  and is about to hurt you as his wife. This is the adrenaline comes over him that  literally leads him to his own death. He doesn't cower in fear. He just moves.  That energy moves into a quick rescue kind of thing. So it's either fight or if  you're with someone you care about, it's got to be flight. You've got to calm  down. If I was best friends with a guy and we were, you know, guys get mad at  each other. We're lethal at a certain point. We don't fight with words, we fight  with our fists, and we could hurt each other. We know that, so we just drop it.  Forget it. I'm so sick and tired, but we exit because we're best of friends. We  would die for each other. If we don't kill each other, we're best buddies, and so  you disengage. Why? Because it's the honorable thing to do. It's the Honor  Code. It's what men do. It's the honorable thing to de escalate a conflict with at  the end of the day it's really not that big of a deal. It's not worth getting in a fight  over and hurting somebody. So my question is this, is it an act of hostility, or is it  an act of honor? The answer is yes, it just depends on whether you videotape in  pink or videotape in blue, unless there's an intrinsic evil going on, you're fighting  over, should we hoodie or should we not sell the kids? But almost every conflict  has a preference issue, should we go to the Christian School for the secular  school. Should we should we go to this church or that church? Should we have  this color carpet or that color carpet? And these are real conflicts. Should we  spend money, or should we save the money? Should we have our my mother  move in with us or? No, but these are not evil. You might think that it is, but it's  it's just not an evil situation. Intrinsically, it's not evil. It's a choice, it's an opinion,  it's an interest, it's a preference. And we have these clashing preferences, so,  but during these conflicts, he withdraws. So is that evil? Is that really an act of  hostility from a woman's perspective? Yes, it feels very unloving from a man's  perspective, it's an act of honor. But they also did something interesting as they  watched the women they had, the clinical psychologist, social workers, and they  would be listening to these conversations, yeah, there she is again. Criticism,  complaint, criticism, complaint, oh, there's a complaint, yep, there's a criticism.  Complaint, criticism, complaint, criticism, but that's not politically correct. I know.  What should we do? Lie? No, we can't. We got to tell the truth. There's a  complaint, there's a criticism, there's a complaint, there's criticism. And the men 

were asked, What do you feel when she keeps criticizing? Ongoing criticism just feels like she's got contempt for who I am as a human being. I think she's just  using this topic as another opportunity send me a message. She doesn't like  who I am. She finds me inadequate, doesn't respect me. But in all my research  of women, one of things I've espoused over the last 15 years is women confront  to connect. I had a dentist guy say to me once, no, no, my wife confronts to  control me, really? She was sitting there. She confronts to get Nope, she  confronts to control me. I said, you know, that's exactly what you're saying. I  confront because I need to connect. I want to connect with you. I said, I believe  she confronts to connect because she cares. She criticizes because she cares,  she complains because she cares, she moves forward to confront because she  cares, to connect to resolve this issue. So it raises the question during these  conflicted moments, is it an act of contempt, or is it an act of care? The answer  is yes, it just depends on whether or not you're videotaping in pink or blue.  Neither are wrong. We're just different, and we've got to get in tune with this,  because even though we all need love and respect equally, let me say this two  times to you, we all need love and respect equally. We all need love and respect equally. Women need R, E, S, P, E, C, T, by the way, Otis Redding wrote that  song in the mid 1960s it was released from a husband to his wife, but when  Aretha was coming along, this future soul queen, they said that has a rhythm  that we want to use with her, and they tried to change it, to adapt it. So I always  say men, we had one song, and they took it. Women need R, E, S, P, E, C, T,  and men need love. There's no question it's a true need. But what we're going to point out today is that there's a male and female difference that I'll explain in just a second. The felt need differs. In fact, what's interesting men processed the  world through this blue set of lenses. Shawnee Feldhahn, a good friend of mine, she was doing a random sample of the American male. She hired decision  analyst out of Houston to do this random sample of the American male. They did it once, and they were so stunned with the findings, they ran another sample of  400 men, and she called me because one of the questions she wanted to ask  was the one that I'm about to ask of you. Because she'd heard this question  asked before of herself when she was in a college group during her co Ed days  as a collegiate and she said, Should I run this question? I said, Oh, absolutely.  And here's the question, would you men rather be left alone and unloved in the  world, or would you rather be viewed as inadequate and disrespected? almost  80% of the men said they'd rather be left alone and unloved in the world. Men  cannot handle the idea that you find them inadequate as a human being and  you don't respect them for who they are as a human being. We're not talking  about the fact that you are to see all of their behaviors adequate and respect all  their behavior. We don't do that among ourselves. We're not talking about  behavior. We're talking about the spirit of the individual. Are we sending the  message to the man, you're an inadequate human being, and I don't respect 

who you are as a human being, and when that message comes across, you're  going to lose his heart. But it begs the question in this culture whether that's  rooted in narcissism, egotistical attitudes of prideful arrogance, and that's where  the feminist movement would say, we will tell you men who you are and how you feel when men serve and die for honor, the disconnect between what we feel as  men about issues of honor that actually compels us to give our very lives. That  attitude is interpreted as narcissistic in many cases, because it will recoil in  independence and anger when it's when you step on us, or we feel that you're  stepping on us, and all of our outward projection would naturally be interpreted  that way by some and sometimes they're narcissistic people, just as they're  prima donna women. She has to be center stage all the time, but if you take  those exceptions and make those rules, you're going to miss the heart of  people. I've asked 7000 people this question, when you're in a conflict with your  spouse, do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected? 83% of the men  said they feel disrespected. 72% of the women said they feel unloved. This is  statistically significant. You start at zero and go to the extremes. This is just  beyond. It's just unbelievable. Now it illustrates again, the bell curve. Women  need respect. Men need love. We're not arguing against that. We're saying in  the vast majority of cases, the felt need during conflict is as different as pink is  from blue. And if we dismiss the other person as childish because they deflate  over an issue that doesn't bother us, we're going to miss something here that's  extremely important to the success of a relationship and being close. But there's also a revelation in Scripture, which is just mind boggling. In Ephesians 5:33, the apostle Paul says this in the summary to the greatest treatise in the New  Testament on marriage. It's the summary verse. This is like God's last word of  the church on marriage, not in terms of chronology, but in what we call  progressive revelation, in terms of impact. Most would say this is kind of the  pinnacle. Husbands must love their wives and wives must respect their  husbands. That's what the verse is saying. There it is. And did you know that  only husbands are commanded to agape love their wives? No wife is to, agape  love, her husband. There are three Greek words in mere love, agape love, which is the unconditional component, phileo, Philadelphia, friendship, love, and then  Eros, the erotic. Now, in Titus two, the older women are to encourage the  younger women to love their husbands and love their children. But that's phileo,  not filet your husband. It is a friendship, love. She becomes exhausted, she  becomes negative. She needs the encouragement. The older because she's just tired and she lets it go. She's negative. You know, women want the relationship,  romance me. Surprise me, make me laugh. Men say, I just want the relationship  less negative. Can't we just have one day when everything's okay, that in the  home, it's the negative. Why? Because she's burdened, burdened, burdened.  She cares. She cares. And it just, but it turns in and then she's just serving,  serving, serving, serving, and she has it. So you say to the kids, does your 

mommy love you? Oh yeah, she loves us a lot. Agape love Yep. Does she like  it? No, we've been bad. That's why we're on timeout. Hey, Harry, yeah. Does  your wife love you? Oh yeah. Does she like you? No, not today. Kind of like what the kid said. I've been bad. So only husbands are commanded to agape love.  Why? Because I don't love Sarah in my nature in the same way that Sarah loves in her nature. And I said to the Lord, why have you not commanded a woman to  love? And it was this inaudible voice. I put it within the nature of women to  nurture women love, to love at the level of intimacy. You have to wound a  woman to get her to stop loving at the level of intimacy like your mom stopped.  I'm not going to command a woman to do what I designed her to do, because  I'm not into redundancy. I mean, listen to your your vocabulary, ladies, you said  you maybe you called your mother this this morning, or the hi mom, and then  when you ended love you, love you, love you, love love. Or your sister, hi sis,  bye. Love you, love, love, love, love you, your best friend. Love you, love you,  see you later. Love, love, love you, love you, X's and O's hearts, love you, love,  love, love you, love, love, love, love. Sarah needed to run into the store a couple days ago, my wife to get something, said, I'll just run in. You just park right here  outside, and I'll be back in 30 seconds. And she opens the door says, Love you.  She started laughing, because, you know, we talk about this, it just comes out. I  said, you're going to be back in 15 seconds. She's just laughing as she goes in  the door. So God's not going to command you to do that, but I don't love as  naturally. I mean, if that's the case, then the command is moot. Why would God  command me to do something if I do it and do it naturally? The agape, he  commands the wife to put on respect. Why? Because it's not natural for you.  We, as men, live by the Honor Code. He's not going to command us with that  Greek word and wait, he commanded you. It's unique, because we do this  naturally. It's within our nature to live by the Honor Code. You just Don't diss  another man on a street corner late at night with about 15 guys standing around, you're going to you're going to be dead in five seconds. You just don't violate it.  It's like some of your husbands look at you. Whoa, honey. Honey. Whoa.  Fascinating. God said this 2000 years ago. Husbands love your wives. Wives  respect but women said, Dr Emerson, I have to be honest with you, I don't feel  any respect for him. Be hypocritical for me to show respect when I don't feel it.  And I know you don't want me to be a hypocrite. You know he hasn't earned the  respect. And everybody says you got to earn respect. He doesn't deserve it.  He's not superior to me, and that's the dictionary definition of respect. You show  respect to your superiors. I'm not inferior to him. I'm not going to be treated like  a doormat. I'm certainly not going to give him license do what he wants, come in with pom poms and cheer him on to do whatever he wants. Just respect all that  behavior. I'm not going to lose a sense of myself and identity. I'm not going to set the feminist movement back 50 years. You know what I really think you're up to? You want to return to male patriarchy and get us back to fear male dominance. 

I'm not going to do that. I'm certainly not going to subject myself to emotional  abuse, but other than those things, I'm really open to hearing what you have to  say about this. How many of you have sons? Would you raise your hands?  What I just shared with you is the mantra. I refer to it as and that's going to be  the attitude your sweet daughter in law, who's filled with love, is going to have  toward your precious baby boy. I'm telling you, we laugh, but it's true. And did  you know it's called the walk away woman? It's epidemic. Women are leaving  marriages two to three times more than men. And your son will not leave the  marriage, but she will say he's an unloving human being filled with narcissism,  and he will just shut down and withdraw because he doesn't know how to deal  with that, what I just went through. And she'll feel fully justified at the same time,  there's no mean spirited so she's totally confused, because she's been given  license to say all of that and feel all that. Why? Because of academia and where we're at as a culture. And I have my PhD. I mean, I'm educated, actually beyond my intelligence, and we need to understand the influences that we've been  subjected to. See even the idea of respect is right there that no wife is  commanded to agape love her husband, and both Paul and Peter talk about  respect. I mean, Peter says, you win a disobedient husband I Peter 3 through  your respectful behavior. Over the years, so many godly, wise women have said, I've never even read this. I said, Well, what are you reading? Well, see if you're  only looking for love, you'll only see love. You see what you're looking for. We  become a love based culture, so we don't pay attention to all the scriptures  dealing with honor and respect. There's far more about the glory of God. We're  thinking about God loves me. Well, the truth is, he's going to honor us  throughout eternity, and we're going to glorify Him. But we just we don't pay  attention that because it doesn't resonate with us. And we become more  effeminate in our perspective, even in our spirituality. But the key to winning a  husband is what we call unconditional respect. The man's disobedient to the  word. He's either a believer or carnal, a carnal believer or an unbeliever. Peter  doesn't identify. Said he's just disobedient to the word, but you can win him  without a word. Is that a sexist comment by your respectful behavior? There's  pow. But instead, it's been viewed as as a sexist and as as demeaning. But then on the other side, you have husbands, Colossians 3:19, you're to Love Your  Wives, Love Your Wives, and do not be embittered against them. And the word  here is whatever she's doing to embitter you, to make you mad, to anger. She's  just trying to provoke. She's trying to No, no. The truth is, she's crying out for  your love. And I will say that many men here would die for their wives. In fact,  one husband said to his wife, I love you so much. I'd die for you. She said, Oh,  Harry, you keep saying that, but you never do. now the second major point, what happens? What happens when we innocently overlook, and I want to give us the benefit of the doubt, innocently overlook these two key ingredients that make for successful relationships. The first thing is we step on each other's air hose. I 

envision that Sarah has this love tank connected by an air hose, and when I  come in and stand on it, she deflates. When I got angry with her about  swallowing my contact, she deflated why? It wasn't at that point about the  contact, it was about her embarrassment that I was being unloving, and we had  a discussion subsequent to that, that I was done loving and there are many  moments when Sarah feels disrespected, and let me insert this, she will indeed  feel disrespected. But if you keep showing disrespect to a woman week after  week, month after month, she'll say, How can you say you love me and treat me  this way? Whereas if you show disrespect to a man week after week, he'll finally say, I don't deserve this disrespect. Everybody respects me, but you Why  doesn't he land on love? Because God designed you to love. He knows you love him. He just thinks you find him inadequate and don't respect him because of it,  because he doesn't love like you love, and therefore he is not good enough.  Ever hear him say that I can never be good enough. And unless you've said to  him, I don't love you, he's not insecure about that, because he knows you love  he knows that in conflict, you'll say, I love you. I know you love me. He'll say, but  he can't get in tune with what is going you're not respecting me. Well, frankly, I  don't. You don't deserve any respect. You haven't earned it. You're not superior  to me. What are you saying? I don't feel it. I'm not gonna be him. You go through the mantra, and that's why, the first year of marriage, he said it probably twice,  and he's never said it again. And then you say these 35 years of marriage, it  seems like he's keeping something back from me, yes, the core of his heart,  because he doesn't know how to put a voice and vocabulary to what he feels  without being dismissed as narcissistic at best and is deranged at worst, so he  just goes quiet. When Sarah said to me, you know you don't like you don't like  the jean jacket, I said, Thank you, but she said, You didn't say thank you  enough. And at a certain point, I felt she was calling my integrity into question,  that I was lying to her. I was being I like the jean jacket, okay, I enjoy where is  this coming from? Because I'm not sanguine and I wasn't Miss Congeniality of  Boone County. I can teach and I have gift mix, but basically, I'm a quiet, boring  individual. But I was sincere. I felt disrespected. Wasn't in tune with it then, but  as I lifted, that's exactly what I felt Dishonored and I deflated, because, you see,  I have this respect tank connected by an air hose, and she came in and stood  on it, and we can fill those tanks, or we can suck the life out of it. We can make  deposits of love and respect, or we can make huge withdrawals that end up  bankrupting the relationship emotionally. But something else happens I  discovered, and this is what launched the Love Respect ministries, why I wrote  the book Love and respect, and why we continued. I've got a new book called  Mother and son, the respect effect. Why I'm on this because I looked at this  Ephesians 5:33, passage. I had the privilege of studying the Bible 30 hours a  week for nearly 20 years. And so I looked at everything in Scripture dealing with  husbands and wives and gender issues, like husbands live with your wives in an

understanding way, since she's a woman, precisely because of her gender,  come to grips Emerson with Sarah's femininity? I made her that way. But as I  got into this, Ephesians 5:33 passage, a husband must love, a wife must  respect, I'm thinking, I think there's a connection here, because when Sarah  feels unloved, it's very natural for her to react to me in ways that feel  disrespectful to me. And I certainly know that when I feel disrespected, it's very  natural for me to react in ways that feel unloving to her. And I think that's why  God gives us the command. The command for me to love is to protect me when  I'm feeling dissed, not to react in a way that feels unloving and disobedience to  Jesus Christ. And the reason that God commands Sarah to put on respect,  because it's very much within the her nature, the proclivity is to react in a  disrespectful way when she feels unloved. So the command to respect is there  to guard her against that tendency. And so I saw, though this connection without  love. She reacts without respect, without respect. He reacts without love, without love. She reacts without respect without respect. He reacts without love, without  love. She reacts without love, she reacts without respect, and this baby spins  among couples of goodwill. And when the issue isn't the issue, this is probably  the issue. It is very gender specific, and though we all need love and respect  equally, the felt need during conflict, and the way we interpret each other  through pink and blue puts us on that crazy cycle. And what's even more  unfortunate is that we each believe we're correct. We don't understand that  without love. Defensively, she reacts offensively without respect and without  respect. Defensively, he reacts offensively without love. We push them off our air hose, and in the process, stand on theirs. We defensively push them off, but  offensively, stand on theirs, but we don't see it, and I push her off mine, and I  stand on hers. Our defensive reactions offend, and it keeps spinning this thing,  and we take up offense at each other, and we both feel that we're the insecure  one, and for the life of us, we can't understand why they keep reacting to us in a  way that's undermining our deepest emotional need. And then she begins to  look at it. And women really get in tune with this. Something happens like, you  know, he buys you a diet book because you were complaining about being  overweight and fat and don't have anything to wear. So he's goes, he does. He  makes this mistake. Once buys the book, comes home, gives it to you, and you  hear a message through his pink his blue megaphone into your pink hearing  aids. I don't accept you. I don't approve of you, and I don't love you unless you  look like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. She feels hugely unloved. Body image  issues. All the research points out this is huge. You just you gotta be very  sensitive. She buys him a diet book. He's 40 pounds over, right? He needs to  lose weight. She comes, brings him a diet book. What's he do? Hey, thanks.  What's for dinner? He doesn't go ballistic. So it's very easy, gentlemen, for us, to dismiss her vulnerability because she has a vulnerability where God didn't allow  us to have that vulnerability. In fact, God gave us natural strengths to no credit of

ourselves, and we're passing judgment on our wife based on her vulnerability.  Oh, good grief. Oh, because you see her deflating, and she's holding you  hostage for making her feel that way. And you can't believe this. Grow up.  Woman, just a diet book. See if I ever buy you one again. You're into the  marriage the first year you come home. This is the third marriage book you've  purchased for the two of you to read. This is the third marriage book. He refuses to read it. This time he's just done because he's both times you've gotten the  other two books huge fight. So he says, I'm not even gonna read this. He just  shuts down. And you see, you say he doesn't value me, he doesn't value the  marriage. I want to deal with my stuff, but he didn't want to deal with his stuff.  And this comes right? He doesn't want to talk about your girlfriend, so  everybody, but he hears a message through your pink megaphone into this blue  hearing aids, and that message is that message is this, I don't accept you, I  don't approve of you, and I don't respect who you are, Buster, unless you  change and become more loving like me, that's what he hears. And we can  argue all day long that she ought not to deflate over the diet book, and we can  argue all day long that he ought not to feel that way. And we bring what we call  in philosophy, the moral ought. You ought not to. It is based on who we are. After all, our feelings and sentiments are the voice of God. So there's this tendency to pass judgment because you, ladies, in this case, don't have a vulnerability  where he does. You have natural strengths and no credit of yourself? God made you that way, and you're passing judgment based on the natural strengths that  God gave to you, to real no credit to yourself, and you're judging him based on a vulnerability he has that you don't understand, but you dismiss as childish when  the truth is he hears a message in the same way that you hear a message in the diet book. And even there, you dismiss this illustration because you say the  marriage is much more valuable, that's right, so his judgment is much more  severe, isn't it? It's interesting how we've been so conditioned in this culture. So what's interesting in the diet book, she feels unloved in the first place. She seeks to do the loving thing. She needs to talk about this, I can't believe you did this.  She moves toward him to connect. She confronts she's critical, she's  complaining, and while she's venting, he says, You're so disrespectful. She can't believe it. And he walks out, and she feels even more loved. So she has four  levels of proof that she's right. She felt unloved in the first place. She seeks to  do the loving thing. She hears this, she's disrespectful. Where's this coming  from? And she feels even more unloved. And if she's right, then he's got to be  men. Don't put a voice and vocabulary to it as easily as I've said. But for  instance, you hand him a third marriage book, he's in disbelief. I can't believe it.  I'm never good enough. You don't approve. I mean, he's processed. You can say he's wrong for that. We're not trying to be justifiable of everything that he's  feeling. But let's just give him the benefit of the doubt. He's feeling disrespected  instead of engaging, which is going to rile him heartbeats 99 he just says, You 

know what? I just don't want to get into this. It's just It's so upsetting to me, I'm  going to protect this thing by just not even getting it's just not that important. I  don't need to do this. That's how he's processed. And he's processing him, even though everybody says, well, that's not fair to her. I get that. But let's give him  the benefit of doubt. Give your son the benefit of the doubt. The third marriage  book. What message is your son going to hear? So then he's trying to do the  honorable thing only in withdrawing as she's coming after him. he feels even  disrespected now because she's telling him he's so unloving and doesn't care  when he knows he'd die for her, and he feels even more disrespected. So he  has four levels of proof. He can't articulate it, but somehow, in His Spirit, He  says, this just isn't just, this isn't honorable, this isn't fair, it doesn't feel right to  me. And he says, Well, you're not respecting me. You don't deserve my respect.  So he just goes quieter, and the Crazy Cycle spins. But I'm going to end today,  in a few minutes, with saying you don't use this crazy cycle as justification for  your disobedience to the command to be loving or respectful? Well, the reason  that I'm not loving because she's so disrespectful. Nope, it's your choice. Well,  the reason I'm so disrespectful because he's doing what? Nope. The command  comes to you your spouse is irrelevant. So you can justify your disobedience  because the person you're married to the very command to do in that  relationship you don't have to do because of the individual you entered holy  matrimony with, made a covenant with. So as we conclude, how do we ensure  applying these two key ingredients in order to succeed in relationships? Well,  first, by valuing God's design. Jesus said in Matthew 19:4, have you not read  who made them from the beginning? Made them male and female, and I just  want you to know that he made us pink and blue. Neither are wrong, we're just  different. Neither are wrong, we're just different. We have a foolish conclusion  this culture, that because we're equal, legally equal, in the eyes of God,  therefore we must be the same. Whoa, whoa. Non sequitur doesn't follow.  Because we're equal, doesn't mean that we're the same. She will always bring  the egg. He will always bring something else to create a child. The XX and XY  chromosome is there within the womb. It's not going to change. You can always  know we are not the same, but we are equal in the in the eyes of God. No  question about that, but he made us husband and wife. Why? To reflect His  image. When you put pink and blue together, it's purple, the color of royalty, the  color of God. Husband and wife together reflect His image. In that sense, God's  not pink, God's not blue, God's purple. Husband and wife together reflect His  image. He made us different. To compliment, not to complain, that we reflect His image, His royalty. And a person who's unmarried, who has the gift of celibacy,  has given us compensatory grace that allowed them to reflect the image of God  In An unmarried state, and if you're not a eunuch for the king. Kingdom, then  husband and wife together reflect the image of God. You're not designed here to say that because I'm right, you must be wrong. No, you're not wrong. You're just 

different, and that difference is designed by God to reflect him rather than lead  to feuds. But there's something else by doing what God calls me to do in the  marriage. God calls me to do something independent of Sarah, and calls Sarah  to do something independent of me. The very marriage that we're in, our spouse is irrelevant. And I say that in a reverent way, not a dismissive way. And I want  you to think about these four points as we come to the conclusion. And these  are all based on salient scriptures, I will trust in my spouse's goodwill, even  though I have moments when I feel they lack concern to please me. And this is  based on I Corinthians 7:33-34 the husband is concerned about how to please  his wife. The wife is concerned about how to please her husband, Paul penned  this, and he also penned Romans, the great treatise on the depravity of the  human heart. But he said, Look, you who are married because we're fallen  creatures and we are in sin, doesn't mean the reflection of the image of God  isn't there within us or in our relationship, there is so much inherent good, just  not good enough to be saved. But the point is, don't be saying to your spouse,  you don't have any concern about me. You don't want to please me. You get on  the Crazy Cycle, and that's the tendency. You don't care, you don't want to  please me. You're dissing me, yeah, well, you're unloving, and we keep  spinning, and Paul's, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yes, that behavior feels that  their defensive reaction feels that way, but you've got to come to a point where  you'll trust their good will, you will believe in their good will. And I didn't know  how much traction this teaching would get, but people have said this changed  their marriage. Of course, she's got goodwill. She's a loving, virtuous woman,  but she just makes me so mad, and I know he would die for me if I don't kill him  first. And once you say, you start having this positive regard toward the spirit. I  know you're a good willed person, but I'm spitting mad at you right now, and I'm  good willed too, but we're both spitting mad, but we gotta remember we have  good will. I think there's a second major point. I will accept some marital trouble  as God's design between two people who have personal preferences that differ.  I Corinthians 7:28, Paul said, If you marry of not sin, but you will have trouble.  You will have trouble. And every text has its context. You go back to verses 3-4.  The husband does not have authority over his own wife. The wife does. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Talking there  about sex, each has equal say when it comes to sexual intimacy. Each has  equal authority when it comes to sexual intimacy. So it raises the question, who  decides on Tuesday night whether they're going to have sex or not? The  answer, according to God is yes. Emerson, are you saying that the Lord  designed trouble? That's exactly what I'm saying. It's what I call the 80/20 rule.  80% can be a wonderful friendship, but you're going to have 20% trouble  because Tuesday night comes and you're in the center of God's will. When it  happens, you're not outside of his will. You've got to understand this. But some  of us are locked into the 99 percentile idea, 99 to one rather than 80/20 and that 

19% difference disillusions you and embitters you. That's because you live by  Hollywood, not the Holy Word. And you're going to have to make a decision,  because I could write script for Hollywood, because I understand the appetites  of men and women, but they don't live it themselves. Many of them are far better people than I am. I'm not impugning their hearts. I'm just saying you've got to  understand how unrealistic that is. God says if you marry, you will have trouble.  But some of you are bitter and disillusioned because that 19% discrepancy the  little leaven has leavened the whole, and now the 80% that could be wonderful  has been ruined because of your unrealistic paradise expectations, if you'll let  me preach, and then, thirdly, I will follow God's revelation to me in Ephesians,  5:33 husbands love wives respect since my spouse affords me the opportunity  to show my loving and reverent obedience to God. In 5:21 Paul says, be subject to one another in the reverence of Christ that ultimately Sarah, for instance, puts on respect toward me because she sees Jesus standing beyond my shoulder  and she's reverencing the Lord. I'm just an opportunity for her to demonstrate  her reverence. I'm to love Sarah, but deeper. I'm to love Jesus Christ, as to the  Lord, as to the Lord, as to the Lord. He goes from the horizontal to the vertical. I  show my love for Jesus Christ as I love Sarah. This is why, if you've got  problems with loving and respecting, it's a spiritual issue. It's a crisis of faith, not  a crisis of your marriage, because it really doesn't make any difference if they're  lovable or respectable. Now, if you're in harm's way, you get out. My mom  separated for six years. We're not talking about harm's way. We're talking about  people who are having ongoing clashes. You're not happy with each other, but  there isn't abuse going on. We're just saying there is a. Major tension on an  ongoing basis, and you've decided I'm not going to be a loving, respectful  person until they love and respect me, and you put the onus back on them to  motivate you to obey God. Doesn't work that way. And furthermore, it  demonstrates you're really the reason for it not working in probability, because  you're refusing to be the loving, respectful person, because you've got to be  married to one bad dude or dudess for them not to respond to your loving  demeanor, your respectful demeanor. On an ongoing basis, they'll eventually  come under conviction and soften and make confession to you of their  wrongdoing, but they're not going to respond if you put the onus back on them to make the relationship happy, and furthermore, you're giving them all the power  they control you. You are a hopeless, helpless victim. That's what you believe.  And Jesus Christ is saying you are missing something. Here you are free. They  do not control you. My command to you, you are free. And not only that, the last  point Paul goes on, and he talks about husbands, wives, Father, children,  Master, slave, and in some cases, the citizen authority. And he there's this  theme throughout. He wrote it on parchment day, chapter and verse was added  later, and he ends this whole section with whatever good thing each one does  this, he'll receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free. This principle 

applies to everybody. The New International says, You will be rewarded when  you put on love toward that woman who's not respecting you. The Lord says,  atta boy, this is going to be rewarded throughout eternity. Well done, good and  faithful servant. You got it. She afforded you the opportunity to love me and to  allow me to reward you, even though she walked out on the marriage. You  succeeded in marriage my way, even though she had an affair, divorced you and remarried someone else, you succeeded in this relationship because you loved  and reverenced me. Sam Moser, a good friend of mine, headed Nickelodeon in  New York for years, said to me, I had been a believer in Jesus Christ, but I never thought that this is about Christ and me, not about my spouse and me. I never  thought of it that way. Your spouse cannot prevent you from loving and  reverencing Christ. Your spouse cannot prevent you from loving and respecting  them. They are irrelevant. Have you caught the vision? You can succeed in  God's eyes, whether or not they respond. But here's the deal, if you put on love  and respect, it's probably going to lead to a very successful marriage. Let's  close in prayer. Lord, you know our hearts. You know our inadequacies. We're  so thankful the Holy Spirit has been sent and described as the helper. Lord, it is  not natural for me to love when I feel disrespected. It's not natural for Sarah to  put on respect when she feels unloved. Every day we acknowledge Lord Jesus.  Help me do this, but thank you for the vision you've given me to do this because  it's not about our spouse. Through Christ, we pray amen.  

Jay Crando - Hi, I'm Jay Kranda, the online pastor here at Saddleback Church.  We're so glad you joined us to watch this message today at Saddleback, we  believe that life is better together. That's why we want you to get connected to  our church family, whether in person or online. We have campuses all over  Southern California and on four continents, all around the world that would love  to welcome you to their weekend services. You can find a campus near you at  saddleback.com/locations and if you're not able to attend a campus in person,  don't worry. We have an online community designed just for you. You'll have an  opportunity to connect with the messages each week and find resources to help  you grow your faith. Thanks again for watching, and we look forward to  welcoming you into our church family.