Video Transcript: Statements, Techniques, and Strategies

Back to the final session this week.  We're thinking about challenging behaviors in our ministry settings.  Today, we're going to talk about what I brought up as a hint of enforceable statements and what those mean and how you can use those; some stop and think techniques, and some defensive strategies for handling those challenging behaviors.  So let's have a look.  

What do I mean when I say enforceable statements and use them? I would love for you to try using them.  But what do I mean when I talk about those?  So you'll see a link when you look into your homework and some reading assignments about these enforceable statements.  

This comes from an organization called Love and logic.  And they have these eight different principles.  And one of those is, as I mentioned yesterday, thinking along with the individual who is exhibiting these challenging behaviors, and really working together and helping them to come up with some solutions for the behaviors that are happening.  So the principles of Love and Logic really come from the belief in the infinite value of people, which we certainly agree with as image bearers of God.  And so they use something that they have labeled enforceable statements.  

And by that, they simply mean, you're making a statement of something that you can enforce.  So, for example, if you, as the leader are saying, Keep your hands to yourself, well, that's not very enforceable.  What are you going to do if they don't keep their hands to themselves.  And so you find yourselves in many senses, having the ‘or else’ be an end to that.  So it's keep your hands to yourself or else.  Or else what?  Now you have to have some sort of consequence that you have to come up with.  And that gets to be a tricky place for a lot of us unless there are some punishments involved, and all of those sorts of things.  But we don't often want to go there if we don't absolutely have to in our ministry settings, and they're not necessarily very effective at stopping the unwanted behaviors, and producing good behaviors, and handling the core issue that may be at hand.  

So what's much more effective is to simply make statements that are enforceable.  For example, let's change the hands around one, instead of saying Keep your hands to yourself, we're going to say, you're welcome to stay with us as long as you keep your hands to yourself.  Now, that means, by implication, that you can enforce if they're not keeping their hands to themselves, they don't get to join in the activity, right?  Or, let's say it's Don't take that tone of voice with me.  Or else what?  Right?  How about we say, we can talk together when your tone of voice is as calm as mine.  I have control over that. I can, I can enforce what it is that I'm saying is going to happen, and allowing you to control the behavior that you're engaging in with me.  

So again, thinking through these statements and what it is that we're saying.  Are we saying don't do this, don't do that, stop that, get over here.  Are we using language that reflects actually good technique and strategy for encouraging the behaviors that we want to see?  So not only not saying the negative things of Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't don't, but actually using enforceable statements that give parameters for the expectations of the behavior.  So something to think about, right? 

I'm glad to start as soon as everyone is quiet.  And we'll wait patiently for the room to get quiet before we start, right?  Just all of those types of strategies to say, our language matters.  And so we want to respect people with the way we say things.  But we also want to give the expectations that we have in a good clear and enforceable way.  

A great technique that we have learned that is very effective for very challenging behaviors is something called Mind the Gap.  And it's simply a way to think through our behaviors and our choices.  Now, the man who actually came up with this technique happens to be traveling in London in the underground when he was going for some academic conferences and things and thinking about his students, some with autism spectrum disorder, who have some fairly challenging behaviors, but also have trouble thinking through their actions.  So this may be because of that child with ADHD who is simply one of those ready fire aim kids who does things before thinking about the consequence of them.  It may be that there is a processing difference, because the consequence of this action doesn't quite process for them until they've already done it, right?  

There might be a variety of reasons for this, but this is a great technique that he came across while he was thinking about how do I coach my kids through their behaviors into making better choices.  And he happened to be standing right here where it says, Mind the Gap, and listening to this over and over and over again on the London Underground.  And the idea is that you Mind the Gap every time the train stops because you have to stop and pay attention to where your foot goes before you up onto the train so that you don't fall into the tracks; there's actually a gap there that you have to step over.  And so the idea is that you are intentional about the steps that you're going to take.  You have to stop and think about it before you take that step.  And so this turns out to be a very effective way to help kids go through their choices of behaviors.  And so he called it Mind the Gap technique when he got back into his classroom.  

And so what you're doing is you're simply taking the behavior which would be at the bottom of this example, this sheet.  So you come to the point at which you have to make a choice of what your behavior is.  And let's say it is snack time.  And so everyone is getting snack.  And your choice is, are you going to eat the snack politely with your hands or your fork, or what have you, or are you going to throw it all over the room as this child maybe has made the choice to do quite often.  

And so you are at the point where snack is being handed out.  And you're going to work with this child to say, All right, here's where we are, here's where we get to make the choice.  This is our Mind the Gap moment.  And here are your two choices:  your one choice would be to eat the snack calmly, politely and quietly.  Your other choice would be to throw the snack.  And then each of these has an end route, or an end destination.  So if you eat the snack calmly and quietly and politely, then you get to stay in your seat and enjoy the whole snack.  If you throw the snack, then you don't get to stay in your seat, the snack gets taken away, and maybe you get to go spend this time with your parents instead of enjoying snack with the group.  Right?  So you get to decide what the consequences are, whether that's positive or negative.  But you're giving the child a road map, quite literally to see where their choices are leading, and giving them the power to choose one or the other.  

Sometimes we need to identify which one is the good choice and which one would be a sad choice.  But sometimes we simply need to just put out there that these are the choices that you have.  Which one will it be today?  Mind the Gap, take time to think it through, let's map it out, right out or draw out our choice.  And simply put it into practice after that.  And that way, when they get the reward of getting to enjoy the snack, there it is documented success.  When they make the choice of throwing the snack, there it is - the documented consequence.  You're not the bad guy coming in here now punishing them, it's Oh, bummer.  The sheet says that this is what happens when we make this choice.  So now you don't get to enjoy snack with us.  I'm really sorry.  That's the choice you made for today.  Maybe next time you'll be able to enjoy snack with us because you'll make a different choice.  It's documented.  And the choice has been made by the child with intentionality.  You can follow through simply, you don't have to be the bad guy coming up with all of the decisions all the time.  And it's amazing how much more effective it is to have this sort of objective bad guy or the paper be the one that is telling what the consequence is.  

Another way of putting this is a little more simplified.  It's simply the boxes technique.  So another way of looking at it, again, just stopping and thinking through the behavior.  But we're just going to list -  here's the behavior … leads to this consequence.  Here's the other choice of behavior we could do … and that leads to this consequence.  

And I like having these color-coded, so that we have the green one because it's sort of a positive thing.  Obviously, in our organization, we like our greens.  But we're thinking about the here's a positive behavior choice and here's the consequence that we get for that.  So all of us who finished our dinner get to eat the ice cream.  All of us who decided to give our dinner to the dog, don't get to have ice cream today. Right?   So whatever it would be, again, it's just it's on paper there and they get to make the choice.  

But now you're not having to punish or be the bad guy or anything.  It's simply this is what the sheet says is going to happen.  We all agreed upon this ahead of time and you made the choice to behave in this way.  But again, stopping and thinking about it, it's amazing how often the behaviors disappear when there is time to stop and think them through ahead of time.  

A couple of other things and we just call them The Quick List, that you can do when you are pushed to be sort of in defense mode and have to think really quickly.  Some things that you can do - a lot of behaviors you can just defuse by ignoring them.  As I mentioned earlier, a lot of kids are behaving in such a way that they're sort of self-medicating for this need for attention and so often when they sit there going (makes verbal sound effects) just to see how many people they can annoy, if you can ignore it long enough, it won't be an issue for others.

Something else to just remember is that the behavior of the one does not necessarily interrupt the learning of everyone else.  And so sometimes one specific behavior that's really bothering you, as the leader, isn't actually bothering everyone else in the room, or everyone else doing the activity.  And so I think that's a key thing to think about when we're trying to use this technique of just ignore it, because quite often, a behavior will disappear if we ignore it long enough.

Something that we can also do is just interrupt it.  You see something happening, you just need to stop it, simply by getting in there and getting in between them.  I know I have physically come between a couple of kids who were starting to just really, you could see the energy level rising as they were both getting more and more heated into the little conflict that was starting to happen in between them.  And I simply moved my body in between and said, Hey, how's it going?  I just haven't said hi to you yet today; want to say hi.  And suddenly, very few problems left, because I just simply interrupted it.  And the energy diffused because now they didn't have time and the thought track to stay with it. 

Redirecting is very, very effective as well, at many points, simply saying, Hey, would you check out the picture of that puppy with me   I know you love puppy dogs, right?  Distraction, but really redirecting and helping to gear their energies into something more effective.  And this kind of goes back to that idea of can you assign a job?  When you notice that kiddo is getting real bouncy in their seat and you'd really like them to have about five more minutes of sit in them?  Could they maybe hand out the papers for everybody else or start collecting the Bible's back in?  Or something else like that?  Can you redirect the energy that they have?  

How about break time?  We talked about some break tickets is?  Is it just time for a break?  Can they just step out for five minutes?  Why don't you come get a drink of water or again, make it a job, can you get me a drink of water, what have you, but just taking a break.  It sounds like you need about two minutes to just sort of gather yourself because your sensory system might need that, right?  So again, helping to identify what the problem is.  But just taking a quick break.  

Natural consequences are great teachers.  We don't pick up the colored pencils that all spilled on the floor?  That's gonna hurt our feet to walk on.  We might break some of the pencils and then we won't be able to use them anymore.  Bummer.  Just allowing kids to have to face the natural consequences of the choices that they've made.  You threw your shoe in the water.  Now your shoes over in the water, your feet are going to be cold and wet, and you're gonna miss your shoes.  And your mom might not like that.  But here it is, shoes in the water.  That's a bummer, right?  Just allowing those natural consequences to be the consequence for that choice that they made.  

And the good old “ut oh,” when there is that choice that you knew was not a good one.  Maybe they know it now, too.  And just, “Ut Ohh,” or with older kids, I like that phrase, “Bummer.  That was the choice you made.”  Again, going back to that diagram of the boxes or the Mind the Gap, where they know that they have made a choice and it has led to a consequence that's not their favorite thing.  Bummer that was the choice you made, right?  So those are a few sort of quick list of defensive strategies that we're thinking about.

Something else that we can do kind of with that idea of thinking through teaching versus reacting.  But let's repeat the standard that we have.  Just repeating that I respect you too much to argue.  So often kiddos with challenging behaviors start to engage in this verbal banter, wanting to win the argument of why they were right to do what they did, or you don't have a right to say things to them, or, you know, it wasn't their fault.  It's everybody else's fault.  Their emotional regulation is now putting them on the defensive in terms of their fight or flight and they're perceiving threats from you.  And, and they just want to get out of this.  And so there's this argument happening.  And so for you to just defuse that and to say I just respect you too much to argue with you so we'll talk about this when we're both calm.  

Or, again, here's that brake ticket.  You can take a couple minutes out, take a little break, but I'm going to continue with the activity that we're doing.  Things like that.  Or, again, engage them in what it is that they can do to solve the problem.  So instead of arguing, let's neutralize the argument by simply saying, “I don't know.  What do you think?”  Let's turn the tables on them.  Let's allow them their viewpoint with respect when they bring it up to us.  But instead of just giving them your fight as well, let's defuse that a little bit.  

How about delayed consequences?  Sometimes it's effective just to know that a consequence is coming.  I know my husband loves to tell me about when he got in trouble as a kid and his mom would just say, “Wait till your father gets home”.  And that was worse than what his father might do to him because now he had two and a half hours to sit there and ruminate on what it was the dad was going to do, because he made this stupid choice.  So delaying the consequence can sometimes even be almost enough punishment for itself because they have to sit there and think about the choice that they made and the consequence that is coming.  

Moving to a different environment can often be very helpful.  I see this quite often.  This is just as a little illustration.  When you have a baby who's just getting cranky, and especially with a toddler; they're starting to fight being tired, and they're just getting really crabby.  They don't know what they want.  And suddenly, you take them out into the cold, fresh air, and oh, wow, that was different.  And their whole demeanor just changes because they're in a whole different physical environment.  There's air touching their skin differently; it's activating different parts of their brain.  So being in a different environment just drastically changes the behaviors.  

And this can be true of people of any age.  Again, let's get out into the sunshine.  Let's sit down rather than stand up and try to have this argument.  Let's get into a place that maybe is safer for all of us, that's around more people, if it's getting a high energy conflict type situation.  Or maybe we need to get away from people to keep everyone else safe.  And just moving different environments can even just defuse some of the behaviors themselves.  So thinking about that.  Just change your environment.  Move to a different room.  You know, things like that.  

How about asking questions?  I love this. This allows someone to have the opportunity come up with the solution themselves, but with some coaching, with some guidance.  So asking questions, like, were you planning on doing that every week or just today, because that's going to help me plan better.  Then we're going to have to come up with some different strategies if you plan on acting in this way every time?  

How do you want to handle this?  Let's give them a little bit of power, or at least allow them to have input into what could be happening?  What ideas do you have?  Again, recognizing that that behavior is communicating something; quite often an unmet need?  So, what ideas do you have to get what it is that is needed in this situation?  

Or what are you going to do?  Again, that idea of stop and think about it first.  Let's have some conversation.  Let’s come up with some solutions instead of just these behaviors.  And truly, truly, the best defense is always offense.  So whenever it is that you've had that ball stolen from you, try to get it back.  Get back into the place where you have some things, put into place some strategies come that you can come with and preparation for the environment.  So try to get back on offense as soon as possible.  

Now, if you're really stuck, and things are feeling quite out of control with some behaviors, you need to know some things about the individual like, what calms the child?  So, really, just in sort of that meltdown mode, the child is not going to be able to really think through behaviors at this point, because there's just too much emotion happening.  So you need to know what calms this child.  I know, some kiddos just really appreciate having deep pressure.  So actually being smushed between two separate beanbags, or, or having that tight squeeze kind of wrapped around them.  Some kids just really need that sort of timeout corner not as a punishment, but because they need that space without interacting with people with having some boundaries safely behind them, where they can just sort of pull themselves back together and calm down from this space.  So knowing what comes the child is extremely helpful when you get into those situations of what we might call a meltdown.  

Some other things that you can do are being calm and slow, so that you are not contributing to the energy level of the behaviors that are happening.  Moving calmly and slowly.  Do not get close, particularly when you have some flailing kicking, biting type of situations happenings.  Keep yourself at a safe distance.  Clear the room, and I mean clear the room of others, because you're not probably going to move this individual at this time, not in a safe way that keeps you from getting harmed as well.  So clear the room of others and just allow this place to be where they have space alone to start to calm down.  

And something else you can try is just looking for a picture to connect right.  Get out your phone, your device, or look around the room.  See if there's some pictures of things that you can connect with.  Oh, do you like puppies?  Nope.  Okay, so keep flipping right.  Oh, look, there's a picture of when I was playing on the playground at the swings Do you like swings too?  Nope.  Okay, let's keep looking.  But find a picture of something that you can connect with; something that they enjoy, help to get their brain back into that thinking mode rather than just the emotional reaction mode.

And definitely protect yourself until help arrives.  So keep yourself at a safe distance and only engage as long as you're safe.  But help would be that person who is from this person's family, who knows them really well, maybe who knows some techniques, has been certified with a safe hold or things like that.  So protecting yourself until that help arrives, so that you have some backup, is definitely wise advice when you're in that situation where you're completely on defense.  

But here is a technique for offensive and defensive strategies that is always effective.  And that is prayer.  Using the model of Jesus; to ask for God's intervention in the situation, but also to bless the person.  And so we can always rely on the Lord to have what we need in every moment.  

There are many more strategies that we can talk about.  And there are blog posts and resources available on All Belong.org.  So we look forward to sharing more of those strategies in the final week, as we just talked about wrapping things up for this course, but encourage you to look up what other things might be effective in school situations, in ministry settings, and other things that have worked in different settings.  

So thank you for this time this week.  And enjoy your break until the final week.