Identifying Romance Triggers and Learning How to Love in Words and Actions

Learning How to Love in Words and Actions

Addressing the dynamics of broken and sinful relationship behaviors and guiding individuals through their triggers necessitates an understanding of human behavior and spiritual wisdom. Incorporating biblical references can provide comfort and guidance to those struggling to overcome past experiences of mistreatment and enhance their capacity to love others. Here's an exploration of behaviors identified thousands of years ago in the Bible, which relationship counselors still commonly refer to today. We will use commonly understood definitions in this study. Observe how the Bible addresses these choices and behaviors, offering insights from a perspective enriched with biblical wisdom.

What is the point of learning about common triggers? The goal is to transform into a new creation in how you love one another and to gain discernment as you develop relationships with others. Going through a list like this can also help you forgive those who have hurt you, preventing you from projecting past hurts onto new relationships. 

1. Love Bombing involves overwhelming someone with loving words, actions, and behavior as a manipulation technique. Early in the relationship, someone might shower their partner with compliments, gifts, and attention to make them feel special. However, this is not rooted in genuine feelings of affection; instead, it's a strategy to gain control and admiration quickly. Love bombing can be confusing and is often followed by periods of coldness or withdrawal as a means of maintaining control over the relationship dynamics.
   Scripture: 1 John 3:18 - "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."
   Love bombing can manipulate emotions, creating a false sense of security. Recognize the importance of Love grounded in truth and consistency over grand gestures that lack sincerity.
2. Gaslighting is making someone doubt their reality, memory, or perceptions through denial, lying, or insisting the victim is misremembering events.
   Scripture: Proverbs 12:22 - "Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who act faithfully are his delight."
   Gaslighting undermines trust in one's perceptions. The Bible teaches the value of truthfulness and the destructive nature of lies.
3. Hoovering is trying to "suck" someone back into a relationship with promises to change, apologies, or romantic gestures after a breakup or separation, often aimed at regaining control or attention.
   Scripture: Matthew 5:37 - "Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil."
   Promises to change must be met with actions, not just words. Genuine repentance and transformation are fundamental to healing and moving forward.
4. Triangulation involves the manipulator bringing a third person into the dynamics of the relationship, whether factual or fabricated, to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition. It's used to gain leverage, control, or validate the manipulator's ego.
   Scripture: Proverbs 6:16-19 - "...and one who sows discord among brothers."
   Sowing discord through manipulation damages relationships. The Bible teaches the importance of unity and harmony, steering clear of actions that create division.
5. Breadcrumbing offers sporadic attention, affection, and validation to keep someone interested without committing to the relationship. This keeps the victim hopeful for more serious engagement, often leading to emotional exhaustion.
   Scripture: James 2:15-16 - "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"
   Intermittent attention without commitment is like offering empty wishes. True Love actively seeks the well-being of others.
6. Stonewalling refuses to communicate or respond to the partner's attempts at discussing or resolving issues. It can be used as a control mechanism to avoid addressing problems or changing behavior.
   Scripture: James 1:19 - "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,"
   Communication is vital in resolving conflicts. The Bible encourages active listening and patience, contrasting with the avoidance seen in stonewalling.
7. Negging is a covert emotional manipulation tactic in which the manipulator makes deliberate backhanded compliments or negative comments to undermine the self-esteem of the other person in the relationship, making them more dependent on the manipulator's approval.
   Scripture: Ephesians 4:29 - "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
   Backhanded compliments or criticisms are harmful. Encouragement and uplifting words foster self-esteem and mutual respect.
8. Cyclical Behavior involves a repeated cycle of pulling someone close and pushing them away. It creates a dynamic where the victim is constantly trying to regain the affection and attention they once received, leading to an unstable and confusing relationship. Scripture: 1 Corinthians 14:33 - "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." Stable and peaceful relationships reflect God's character, whereas unpredictability creates confusion and distress.

14. Ghosting is suddenly cutting off all communication without explanation. While sometimes used as a means of exiting toxic situations, when manipulatively employed, it leaves the other person in a state of uncertainty and unresolved conflict.
    Scripture: Colossians 3:13 - "Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
    Ghosting avoids confrontation and resolution. Forgiveness and open communication are pivotal to reconciliation.
15. Benching is similar to breadcrumbing. It involves keeping someone as an option while exploring other relationships. The victim is kept "on the bench" and given just enough attention to keep them waiting.
    Scripture: Romans 12:9 - "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
    Keeping someone as an option while exploring others is deceitful. Devotion and honesty are the foundations of a committed relationship. Sincerity in relationships is crucial. The Bible encourages us to pursue genuine connections, contrasting with the insincerity of benching.
16. Fading Away is gradually decreasing contact and responses over time instead of officially ending the relationship. This can be manipulative when done to avoid taking responsibility for the relationship's end, leaving the other person confused and holding onto hope for reconnection.
    Scripture: Ephesians 4:25 - "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another."
    Gradually disappearing avoids accountability. Truthful communication, even when difficult, honors the dignity of both parties.
17. Projection is accusing others of your negative traits or behaviors. Narcissists often project their shortcomings onto their partners, accusing them of being selfish, unfaithful, or manipulative when they are the ones exhibiting these behaviors.
    Scripture: Matthew 7:3-5 - "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"
    Acknowledging our flaws before critiquing others encourages humility and personal growth. Recognize when faults are unfairly attributed to you. Strive for self-awareness and accountability in relationships.
18. Flipping the Script is when confronted with their behavior, they quickly turn the conversation to focus on your mistakes, diverting attention from their actions. Scripture: Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Deflecting blame escalates conflict. Responding with understanding and seeking common ground promotes resolution.
19. Flying Monkeys is enlisting friends or family members to take their side and communicate on their behalf, often spreading lies or misinformation to garner support and isolate you.
    Scripture: Proverbs 16:28 - "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."
    Involving others in personal disputes can lead to misunderstandings and division. Direct communication fosters clarity and healing.
20. Future Faking is making unrealistic promises about the future to get what they want in the present. This keeps the partner hopeful and waiting for a future that never materializes.
    Scripture: James 4:14 - "Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."
    Promises without intention are deceptive. Living authentically and making realistic commitments honors the present and builds trust for the future.
21. Mirroring mimics your interests, beliefs, and behaviors to create a false sense of compatibility and bond at the beginning of the relationship.
    Scripture: Romans 12:9 - "Let Love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good."
    Imitating another to deceive is insincere. Genuine relationships are based on true compatibility and shared values.
22. Withholding involves withholding affection, attention, or resources as a means of punishment or control.
    Scripture: 1 John 3:17 - "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?"
    Withholding affection, attention, and resources as punishment is unloving. Sharing openly and generously reflects God's Love.
23. Smear Campaigns involve spreading rumors, lies, or exaggerated truths to tarnish one's reputation and isolate one from friends and family.
    Scripture: Exodus 20:16 - "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor."
    Spreading falsehoods harms reputations and relationships. Honesty and integrity preserve community and trust.
24. Love Withdrawal is expressing love and affection when you comply with their desires and withdrawing it when you do not, conditioning your behavior to their expectations.
    Scripture: Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
    Conditional Love is contrary to the unconditional Love demonstrated by God. Genuine Love does not waver based on circumstances or behavior.
25. Splitting involves viewing and portraying others as all good or all bad, with no middle ground, leading to idealization followed by devaluation.
    Scripture: James 3:17 - "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere."
    Seeing others in black and white ignores the complexity of human nature. Wisdom seeks to understand and accept individuals' nuanced realities.
26. Forced Teaming creates a sense of togetherness or partnership in manipulative situations by using "we" language to assume agreement or shared opinion when none has been given.
    Scripture: Philippians 2:3 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."
    Assuming shared perspectives without consent disregards individual autonomy. Respectful dialogue and mutual agreement are essential to genuine collaboration.

This framework acknowledges the pain and confusion these behaviors can cause and emphasizes the possibility of growth, forgiveness, and healthier relationships through the application of biblical wisdom.