📚 Reading: Beyond Events: The Relational Core of Men’s Ministry

Beyond Events: The Relational Core of Men’s Ministry

Introduction

“We want to get a men’s ministry going in our church.” These words are often spoken with good intentions, but they raise an important question: do you want to minister to men, or do you want to plan events for men to attend?

Much of what passes for men’s ministry today is event-driven: a Saturday breakfast, a seasonal retreat, or a weekend conference. These are good things, but they are not the essence of ministry. True men’s ministry is not about hosting events—it is about entering into the real struggles of men’s lives with the compassion of Christ.

This article argues that men’s ministry must be relationship-first, event-second. Drawing from biblical teaching, sociological research, and Ministry Sciences analysis, we will explore why relational ministry is essential, how men’s unique struggles require intentional pursuit, and what practices can cultivate genuine transformation.

The Token Touch Versus True Ministry

Many men silently struggle with work pressures, marital conflict, wayward children, financial strain, or deep loneliness. Too often, the church’s response is superficial: a passing “praying for you” or “let me know if you need anything.” These comments, though well-meaning, place the burden back on the hurting man to initiate.

In reality, men rarely volunteer their pain. Cultural norms teach men to “tough it out” and keep struggles private (Brooks, 2020). Shame compounds this silence—especially for men who fear their weaknesses will disqualify them in the eyes of others.

The gospel calls us to a different posture: to actively pursue one another in love. Proverbs 20:5 observes, “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.” True men’s ministry requires leaders to “draw out” what lies hidden in the hearts of men.

A Testimony of Pursuit

One pastor shared that during the quiet unraveling of his marriage, he concealed his struggles from nearly everyone. He feared what people would think: “I was the church guy.”

One morning, while lying on a sofa in his office, contemplating life and questioning God, a friend showed up unannounced. After some small talk, the friend said: “I’ve heard some things. I keep telling myself it’s none of my business, but you are my friend. I can’t sleep at night because I’m worried about you.”

That moment changed everything. The hurting pastor “spilled his guts,” not because of a scheduled event, but because a brother cared enough to pursue him. The friend did not give advice; he gave presence, compassion, and loyalty. Later, when the divorce was finalized, the friend invited him to spend holidays with his family.

This story illustrates a central truth: God often uses “regular guys” who are willing to risk awkwardness and inconvenience to embody Christ’s presence. That is the heart of men’s ministry.

Biblical Foundations for Pursuing Men

1. Jesus’ Model of Pursuit. Jesus did not wait for disciples to come to Him; He invited them: “Follow Me” (Matt. 9:9). His ministry was marked by meals, conversations, and shared journeys.
2. Paul’s Model of Relational Ministry. Paul reminds the Thessalonians, “We were gentle among you, like a nursing mother caring for her children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well” (1 Thess. 2:7–8, NIV).
3. The Early Church’s Practice. Acts 2:46 describes believers breaking bread “from house to house.” Fellowship was not event-driven but woven into daily life.

Biblically, ministry to men is about sharing life, not simply sharing lessons.

The Sociological Reality of Male Loneliness

Studies confirm what many pastors observe: male loneliness is epidemic. A 2021 American Perspectives Survey found that only 20% of men reported having at least six close friends, down from 55% in 1990 (NORC, 2021). Nearly 15% of men said they had no close friendships at all.

Older men are particularly vulnerable. After careers peak and children leave home, many men struggle with purposelessness and isolation (Way, 2011). Outwardly successful men often inwardly feel forgotten.

This loneliness is spiritually dangerous. Isolated men are more susceptible to temptation, depression, and disengagement from church life. Men’s ministry that prioritizes relationships—regular meals, conversations, and shared projects—becomes a lifeline for many who silently ache for connection.

Ministry Sciences Observations

Men’s ministry, viewed through the Ministry Sciences lens, must address the deep structures of masculine identity and discipleship. Three surprising insights stand out:

1. The Ministry of Presence Over Performance. Men are conditioned to value what they do over who they are. Many avoid ministry because they fear not having the “right answers.” Ministry Sciences insists that presence—being there with empathy and consistency—often ministers more deeply than polished words.
2. Disrupting the Myth of Self-Sufficiency. Cultural narratives teach men that independence is strength. Ministry Sciences reframes dependence on Christ and interdependence with brothers as the truest form of resilience. Pursuing men in their pain disrupts the lie that they must handle life alone.
3. Friendship as Formation. Discipleship is not only cognitive but relational. Friendships shape desires, habits, and identity. In Ministry Sciences terms, male friendship functions as a “formational ecology,” a context where men are reshaped through vulnerability, imitation, and shared mission.

Practical Implications

• Focus on relationships before programs. Invite men to lunch or coffee before launching a study.
• Pursue men intentionally. Don’t wait for them to ask for help; step into their world.
• Draw out hidden struggles. Ask thoughtful questions, listen well, and create safe spaces for honesty.
• Include older men. Many over fifty are accomplished but lonely—ministry to them may be life-saving.
• Trust God with the outcomes. As relationships form, organic men’s ministry emerges naturally, with pastoral support following.

Conclusion

So, do you want to be in men’s ministry? The answer is not found in planning the next conference but in showing up in a man’s life. It is found in the awkward lunch invitation, the unexpected visit, the listening ear, and the loyal presence.

Men’s ministry begins where friendship deepens, where burdens are carried, and where God uses “regular guys” to rescue hurting brothers. As Proverbs 17:17 declares, “A friend loves at all times; and a brother is born for adversity.”

That is men’s ministry.

References

• Brooks, D. (2020). The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life. Random House.
• National Opinion Research Center (NORC). (2021). American Perspectives Survey: Friendship in America.University of Chicago.
• Way, N. (2011). Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection. Harvard University Press.
• Wilcox, W. B. (2013). Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands. University of Chicago Press.