Video Transcript: His Needs vs Her Needs Part 3

Bill's going to lead, and then I will add, Yes, he's the author. He's the authority. 

I have lots to say. There's no doubt about it. So I'll get in there. But why don't you list them?

Well, first of all, we have to start out, for any listeners that didn't hear yesterday's show that I start out with telling couples, what can you do that will make each other the happiest? And because I've studied this in the past, I'm able to give them a list of choices ;they can add to the choices if they want, but I want them to pick five out of the list, because I don't want to overwhelm their spouse with too many things to do, right? So you want to do the things that are going to make the most difference, that are going to deposit the most love units, right?

And if, you have one that's not on the list and it's a priority, you know, to you, you're saying put it on the list.,

These are suggestions, ideas, and really, what typically people did come up with, yes, you know. So there are people out there that help make this list, yes. And real quick, let me just review what the what the whole list is. If I can remember correctly, it's affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family, commitment and admiration. Did I miss anything?

You got it even in order.

So the basic idea is, out of that list, what could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest? And last week, last yesterday, we said that for men, they choose sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, admiration and domestic support. Women, on the other hand, have a different list of five, and this was an amazing interesting thing to me, because I thought that there'd be some crossover. Well, there is, for a particular couple, there might be a lot of crossover, but on average, there is no crossover. In other words, what men need in marriage is very different than what women need. So today we'll talk about what women need, and usually what women will come up with is a first and second that are tied. They're together, and so I won't talk of one being more important the other, because they're both important. But the first that I list in my book is at is affection, and affection is a symbol of care.

Okay, let's I just want to jump in here real quick as you go through because for men, it was sexual fulfillment, okay? And for women, you're saying typically, number one is affection and care.

Yeah, one and two are tied. So when we get to two, I don't want to make one more important, but what I want to really help men with here to make a difference. It's different than sexual fulfillment, very different. Affection is not sex .E

xactly. It'swhat you would do for your children. Okay? It's when you hug your child. You are telling your child you'll be there for them when they need you. You care about them. You want them to be happy. You will do what it takes to make them fulfilled. So when you hug your wife, you are communicating to her that you care about her. You care about the problems she faces, you'll be there for her when she needs you. You provide security through affection. And I talk about the environment of affection. In other words, affection is not an act. Affection is an environment. So affection is exhibited throughout the day. So in your communication, you tell your spouse that you love her. You you hug her in the morning when you're in bed. You hug her when you go off to work. You let her know when you're going to come home from work as an act of care, so she feels cared for by your expression of affection in and of itself. Now it's important to understand that affection isn't actually caring for her. Affection is just the promise of care. It's saying I will be there for you when you need me.

Now, there's an argument that could be made that if you are affectionate in your acts but not affectionate in your deeds, then the affection doesn't mean anything, right? So if you give your spouse a card saying how much I care about you, but then your actions are not caring, the card doesn't mean anything. So there's a sense in which affection has to be backed up by actual care, okay?

The next is conversation, and like I say, the two go hand in hand, and I talk about intimate conversation as being important in marriage for women, and that is conversation about your personal feelings, about the problems you face, about your plans for the future, things that are personal, that you talk to your spouse about, deposit massive numbers of love units for a woman. Now that's one of the reasons that a woman can have an affair with a man who simply talks to her. So somebody at work who is interested in the problems that she faces, and simply talks to her about her personal problems, he can deposit so many love units that she ends up falling in love with them. So the thing that you have to understand about affection and conversation, and this is something I make a point of, in his needs, her needs is that they should be off limits to everyone except your spouse. So as a husband, you need to be a great conversationalist, you have to be very affectionate, and there isn't another man in her life that should be able to do either one of those things. 

I just want to add here regarding the conversation, yes, on the radio show, we got a call from a woman who is very upset, and rightfully so. She said, first, I'm a Christian, and second, I love my husband, but third, I'm also in love with somebody at work. What do I do? Well, of course, you know what we would say. You know, cease and desist. It's your husband that's going to be the center of your life, not this man at work. But how did it happen? Well, he talked to me, he listened, he was concerned. He cared about what I was going through. So right away, and why I even share this is that never allow, and I'm going to just reiterate what Bill said, but it's so insidious in our churches, workplace, even in family, relatives, getting together, we can find ourselves being drawn to somebody that converses with us and listens with us. Psychology Today, May issue two years ago. I believe they ranked emotional infidelity on par with physical infidelity. So if somebody's sitting out there and they say, Well, I'm not having an affair, emotionally, you can be having an affair, and it's robbing from the relationship you should be having with your mate, with your spouse. So I go back to the conversation bill, and I talk a lot. I am fortunate. Bill is a conversationalist. But has that been natural for you? Yeah, has been something you developed. 

To be honest with you, being a psychologist has make it a lot easier, okay? Because when I was an engineer, it wasn't nearly as conversational. I didn't have the vocabulary that I needed. Yes, it's something any man can learn to do. It's the thing and this is the important thing about training, is that you can become very affectionate. You can become an intimate conversationalist if you aren't one already.

But to learn how to do it, the environment is very important. Even with Bill's expertise in listening and conversing, I find he is the best conversationalist in the car. We've talked about this: where there are few distractions. I have him to myself. And why do I share this? Because there are environments that are going to be more conducive to getting this to happen, and affection would be the same way. Yes, and affection. May I go back to that that is not just Valentine's day, one day of the year. No, no, Valentine's Day should be one of the 364 other days that this affection is taking place. 

Okay, let me ask you, Joyce, because you know this is important for you, these are in your priority. Okay? So how does Bill, you know, show affection to you.

A lot of hugs. Okay, a lot of we're not so much into the gift giving, and that's not what affection is.

I guess. what I'm saying, What does Bill do that causes you to feel safe? Bill's making these promises. I'll be there for you. I'll support you, I'll defend you, I'll fight for you. How does that show in his actions being lived out, that you're like, yeah, that's my man. Interesting.

You asked that because I think that conversation is an affectionate thing, believe it or not, because that's where he expresses his care for me by listening, giving me ideas, giving me input on what is dear to my heart at the time. And I think it's really through our times together alone that I feel the most affection and protected and being cared for. 

Do you ever feel as though, and I'm just going to nitpick here a little bit. Do you ever feel though sometimes, or come across cases where, you know, it's like, whenever I share an issue or a problem or a concern that I have, I feel like more more I'm a project. You know, that my my husband feels like he has to fix and really, what I want to do is to be heard, and I don't want him to fix me all the time. I just want to talk. Does that happen?

I might be a little unique in the woman end of things, because I'm often looking for a solution. Okay, so, but Bill is not in this case, he is not always giving me a solution. I will share what's happening, and I'll ask, What do you think of that? What would your reaction have been? Where do you think I should go with this? He'll give me input. I'll make the final decision. But the point is that we are conversing on the issue, and know in our relationship, I don't feel as if he's trying to stop talking. Let's just solve the problem, and let's watch the football game type of a thing. No, he's not that way, and that would be the wrong way to handle it, because I think I represent women in the fact that we want to explore together, and we want your input. And maybe we will come to you and say, how would you fix it? Yeah, because I'm, oh, they love to fix I'm emotional about this, and you're a little bit more clinical about it, perhaps. And you can give me a perspective that I don't have. Bill and I often say that in marriage, you bring together two ways of thinking. Our brains are different. It's just the way we're made, and our perspectives then are different, and together, we make a better whole because of our perspectives.

Yeah, again, being a psychologist is a help here, because one of the things I know about people is that they don't want advice unless they ask for it, and this is true of your spouse as well. But everybody can learn that. Yeah, you can all. You can learn. 

We're all learning here. I guess that's the whole thing is, let's learn this. You know, I have to change, and you will as well, but we're going to grow together. Yeah, we're going to learn these because while we're going to enjoy life. 

But oneof the things that is important that I tell couples is that, as a psychologist and a counselor, I can get away with giving advice sometimes when a person doesn't specifically ask for it, because I'm a I'm their psychologist. In marriage? You can never do that in marriage. You wait for them to ask the question, and then you don't give them a psychologist answer. You don't tell your spouse, for example, that they have an emotional problem that they need to have treated, and you don't tell them that they have a personality disorder, and you don't tell them that they have issues that need to be somehow resolved. You don't do any of those things. You basically are looking at your spouse as someone who has a different perspective than you do, someone who has insight into life that you don't see. I think of a man and a woman as back to back, each of them looking in opposite directions, and they are asking each other, what do you see? And just because they're seeing something entirely different than you doesn't mean they're not seeing reality. They're seeing a different side of reality than you are. So it's very, very important when a husband and wife are are talking together and trying to help each other out, and when she says, What do you think about this? That you express your opinion as as something that impresses you, but would not necessarily solve your spouse's problem. You let your spouse make that judgment, conclusions themselves. Again, being a psychologist helps me in that respect, on that wisdom. Now

I understand, I understand.

You lead into the meaningful. I think, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of catching up on the day or maybe the week. It's been a busy time, perhaps, you know, but you lead into the deeper after you get the facts out of the way. I mean, I want bill to know, and I want to hear from him. Who did you hear from today? Who did you talk with? What did they say? What is the resolve of this? And I'll tell you what I did. So some there's factual gathering of information also, but then leads to other more philosophical conversations, perhaps, and theological conversations.

Yeah, it's wonderful. It is, and just find it, find those places and those moments and carve them into your day. It's not just going to happen. You've got to create it, you know, those types of things. So be intentional, right? Okay, good. So those are the top two. Now let me make let me add one more thing, and that is that these two emotional needs are so important for women that if you end up being a very affectionate man and you end up being a great conversationalist, chances are that's all it will take for her to be in love with you. If the wife is a great sexual companion and enjoys the same recreational activities that he does that will deposit enough love units for him to be in love with her. There's an argument that can be made that those four emotional needs are all a couple needs to maintain their feeling of love. So what I have done is, I have focused my attention on those four, and I've said I want every couple I work with to schedule 15 hours a week to meet those four emotional needs, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, affection, conversation and they do they should do all four of them on a date. So they should have, like, four hours blocked out where they meet those four emotional needs, and then another four hours blocked out where they meet those four emotional needs, and another four hours blocked out where and they do that throughout the week.

Now, a lot of times, counselors talk about the importance of date night once a month, that sort of thing. That's not enough to sustain romantic love. It's not enough. I mean, if you were dating somebody and you only took her out once a month, chances are she'd never fall in love with you. You'd never fall in love with her. So this has to be done 15 hours a week with these four emotional needs in mind, and if you do those, you will end up being in love the rest of your life. Now, as it turns out, when I was trying to struggle with what it was that was keeping Joyce and I in love with each other, and I thought, you know, we're Christians, my commitment to the Lord, our commitment to each other, the fact that I was willing to sacrifice for her, she was willing to sacrifice for me. We were we believed in unconditional love. It finally dawned on me that what it was, was we dated each other, and I'm a workaholic. I was working 70 hours a week, but I spent 15 hours a week with Joyce alone, where the two of us met each other's intimate emotional needs. I didn't spend a whole lot of time with my kids, but I spent a lot of time with Joyce and as a result, we have had a consistent romantic relationship throughout our 47 years of life. And as it turns out, when I got other couples to do that, it saved their marriages. And so this is these four emotional needs are a big deal in marriage, but you have to schedule time in order to do it. If you don't schedule time, it won't happen. You won't be in love.

We do have, we do have more needs, though, yeah. And we'll come back and we'll talk. But this is extremely significant, you know, very, very important for people. And I think it's bringing some real answers to some questions that they've had. And they're almost like, you mean, that's it? and it's like, pretty much, you know. And then the other thing is, guys are going, they're rolling their eyes, saying, Bill 15 hours, sounds like a little serious, you know, really and, but no, it's going to be intentional. And you've been married 5047 years. 47 years. Are you happy we've been in love? 47 years. See, that's the important thing. A little bit before that, even to get there, right?

You don't need to lose your love for each other, yeah, you know, and if you lose your love, you can get it back. See, that's the that's the important thing in that need. There's hope.