Video Transcript: Love Busters Part 2

Well, we talking about abuse and control, which are strong words. In marriage it is a serious problem, and it comes in three parts. The first part is selfish demands, where you just tell your spouse what to do. What if your spouse won't do it? Then that escalates to disrespectful judgments. You start telling them that there's something wrong with their character, that they're lazy, that they're stupid, that you don't respect them. And if that doesn't work, then we have what I call angry outbursts. So we have this abuse and control escalating from demands where I think I have the right to tell Joyce what to do. She doesn't do it, so I impugn her character. I tell her that she's a terrible person. She still doesn't do it. So then I lose my temper, and that describes your typical fight. The fight that a couple will have with each other starts with a demand  that's not granted. It moves to disrespectful judgments, and then it goes to an angry outburst. Those are all love busters. Each of them is a Love Buster because each of them withdraws love units from the other person's love bank. Each of them does not get the job done, even if it works. On that particular occasion, I lose my temper with Joyce, so she does exactly what I tell her to do. It is so destructive that she is far less likely to ever do it again, and the things that people want the most in marriage, many, many times, end up being gained at the expense of love units so that they have a harder time doing again.

One of the problems that I'm constantly dealing with is sexual problems where a spouse has insisted on having sex a certain way or a certain number of times whatever. And instead of making it a request, making it something that's mutually enjoyable, they say this is something that's required. I insist on it by going through that process of abuse and control, they make it less likely next time, and less likely and less likely until finally, they're not making love at all in their marriage. And they come to me and they say, What can we do to restore our relationship with each other? But by the time I see them, they've traveled a great distance. Usually the wife has become so unhappy about this whole situation that she has an aversion to sex, and so she won't do it at all. So that's why I say that if you want to be abusive and controlling, don't count on ever having whatever that is again. You have to have another approach. I want to take it away from people. I would say, never again demand anything of each other. Never again say anything disrespectful. Never again have an angry outburst. And if you don't know how to do that, get professional help. There are psychologists like me that know how to get people to quit doing these things.

Then what's in its place? And it's what I call successful negotiation. And successful negotiation simply means that what you do is say, here's my problem. How can we solve it in a way that you would enthusiastically grant my wish. What do I need to know about you so that I say here's what I want, and you say, I'd be happy to do that for you. What would it take? Well, it means I've got to know something about you. I've got to know what you're thinking. I've got to know what you're feeling. I have to understand how how you operate. I've got to absolutely stop demanding anything of you. I've got to start thinking about how you're going to be affected by that. You're married to me, so you care enough about me to want me to be happy, but I've got to care enough about you to make sure that in granting my wish, you're also going to be happy as well. See, that's what successful negotiation turns turns into,

wow, lot to take in. 

Yeah, there's a lot to take in. And, you know, don't let your head spin too far on this, because it's not that complicated. 

No, in the long run, it is not. It isn't.

But the thing is, is that you bring the element of the circumstances, and you've lived with these, with chaos for so long, you know that they're really blown out of proportion. I'm not trying to minimize people's pain. I know that it's very, very real. But you see, what Bill is really helping us here with is finding some real solutions to some very complicated situations and and the whole thing is, is it began back then, where you just weren't considerate. It began simply with your demands, and your requirements from the other. I mean, those were the those were the miscommunications, those were the misfires, even back then. And it's just escalated and grown and grown, and now we find ourselves at a place where you know we're incompatible anymore. It's like, No, you're not. You've just been feeding the wrong thing. And here's some real answers that we can begin to apply.  Okay, let's take a step back a little bit. And the thing is, is that my behavior is depleting you of any love, of any romance that you would ever express towards me, my actions, my words, my demands, my control. I didn't see it that way, but I'm beginning, and it's really hard for people to recognize that you really you're calling me controlling. Yeah, demanding. I didn't think I was.

Well, many of the things Bill talked about is really the human reaction. Often it just instinctual. We didn't learn to do it, to demand. To tell you what to do. Do it now. I don't care how you feel. I want it and I want it now. It's just a net we're almost having to counter. Wouldn't you agree? Bill, having to counter our natural instincts on demand, right? Sorry to say it's just in there already. What we have to do is learn how to cap it and be more respectful and considerate because we're really hurting the one that we want to be caring for most by how we say things, how we present it, and how we don't get into negotiations regarding it.

Seeif I were to tell a couple, I say, and this is what I do in a seminar. I say, I never want you to make another demand on each other again. And if you do tell your spouse, I would have loved to have helped you in this area, because you put it in the form of a demand. Dr Harley has told me I can't do it because I can't reinforce bad behavior. So we're going to have to try this again sometime, and they try not to have an angry outburst. Next time, try to form it as a request, see what happens. And the same thing is true with disrespectful judgments. If you feel that your spouse is being disrespectful, you say, you know that that comes across to me as a disrespectful judgment. Dr Harley has said, we are never to make disrespectful judgments to each other. Now, if both spouses are on an angry outburst the same way, if you ever have another angry outburst, get professional help. Get somebody to help you with it. It's something that should never happen in a marriage. Now, if I take all that away from you, what am I going to put in its place? And I don't want to take the issues off the table. Matter of fact, I want to put them on the front burner. If you have a need in your in your marriage that's not being met, keep discussing it, but you but discuss it in an effective way, in a way that you're going to solve the problem. And you solve the problem by looking at the other guy and saying, What am I going to have to do to help you meet my need? And a lot of people say, Wow, wait, when you're married, haven't you promised to do that already? Why should I be negotiating with you a. Don't you love me unconditionally? Shouldn't you be meeting my needs without my even having to ask? And my argument is that, in a bilateral relationship where we're in this thing together, we have to be thinking about each other, and I can't just be telling you what to do. I've got to be understanding you so that I get what I need from you, and you get what you need from me in a way that works for both of us. It's a tough concept for a lot of people to understand, and some very, very passionate marriages are still encumbered with these love busters.

And this is important, because the thing is, you know why you're watching and listening is simply because you don't want to just exist, and you don't want your marriage just to survive. You really want that marriage that you've always wanted. Well, here are  some of the ways, and the whole thing is that we've learned over the years how to exist, how to survive. That's just the way he is, that's just the way she is, and this is the way we are. And it's wait, there's something much better than that, much more rich, than those kinds of things. And we began the program by talking about habit. A lot of times there the things that have been written upon our heart, unintentionally by someone else. They were modeled for us. We we saw our parents communicate in these ways, and so for us, is it's natural, but just because it's natural doesn't mean it's right. So some of those things have to be rewritten, and those habits have to be broken. I remember when we first got married, Audrey comes from a very quiet home, very loving, gentle, you know, soft, those kinds of things. I come from a more aggressive one.  Iwould say I grew up in a home where my mom yelled. She was a yeller, just always yelling. My dad was very, very quiet and very passive. Sso my mom, in order to get things done, it was always yelling. So for me, I'm not angry with you, I'm not upset, but I raise my voice. I yell and get it done. And so Audrey for years, 17 years, we never, ever talked about it, and I never knew about it. I got better over time. Those kinds of things. But she told me, she says, Those first two years, she says, I scared out of my mind. I'm like, Why didn't you tell me? I was never angry, you know, it's just that was learned behavior. Doesn't make it right. Those were habits that I had, that I brought into my marriage, that was the baggage that I brought in, but it didn't make it right. Then we live with these things and we coexist with one another. I want people to really experience the benefits of the union of oneness, rather than just side by side existing in marriage and  what you're talking about here is okay, we need to talk about these things so that we can really enjoy life to its fullest.

One of the things that you bring up is the whole business of complaining. Should a spouse complain? I am a big advocate of complaining. Big advocate. There are a lot of people that disagree with me, but my feeling is that if your wife had told you, right out of the box, that what you're doing is bothering her, or using my nomenclature, what you're doing is withdrawing love units,  then you have a choice. Joyce has has put it this way, that if she doesn't complain, it's like a bank where you have been overdrawn, you don't know about it, yeah, you're writing checks, and each check is bouncing and a real deficit, and the bank isn't sending you a reminder, no notice, because they don't want to upset you. And so meanwhile, there's penalty, and it gets real expensive and and you are getting further and further in the hole. So do you want all of a suddenthe blow up? All of a sudden, the debt, all of a sudden, they come. And I didn't know.

You want to know about it now, or do you want it to build up? And so I have always said, Look, if your spouse does something to offend you, let them know right away. Then the balls in their court. They can blow it off. They can just say, Wow, this is something that that I do, and I can't change and all that. But at least they know they withdraw in love units. Or they can take a proactive approach and say, Okay, how am I going to avoid doing that in the future? And then you reckoncile; your offense is accepted, is treated properly. So I'm a big fan of complaints. I'm not a big fan of criticism. The question is, what's the difference? Criticism adds disrespectful judgments to a complaint. So in other words, instead of telling your spouse that what they did bothered you, you tell them that what they did was wrong. That turns it into a criticism. It's a judgment. So when you make a complaint, just say what you did bothered me. Don't tell them that they're stupid or they should have known better, or that it's a reflection on their character. Make it a simple statement.

All of which feel very good to be saying, the idea is that the fingers are pointing at you. It bothered me when you said that, and  then it's up to them to show you care by saying, I'm sorry. I don't do anything that hurts you like this, and hopefully you feel like making some changes. The changes may not be easy, but your spouse has put you on alert that this is a concern and we need to address it. 

So how long do you wait before you tell me that there's something I'm doing? 

But you know, for newlyweds, it's not that way. They newlyweds tend to stuff, because they're in a euphoric season. And then all of a sudden, they hit the four years, they hit the seven years, and they've had all they can take, and they're like, Okay, we're done. Meanwhile, they haven't been honest. They haven't dealt with the things that have been robbing their marriage, robbing them of joy. And they've been living on love, kind of a thing. There hasn't been real truth. There hasn't been the deposits. What deposits? One of them was honesty and truth. But when we do share, it's because I desire you, and even more, the importance of having honesty at the very onset of the relationship. Because what they're experiencing later on, like you say, the third, fourth year, is they've had all these love busters, depleting love, building up the love defecit, and they were just letting them go thinking, I'll give it to her or him this time. And it happens over and over and over again, eroded. And the idea is to be honest, if you're just married, honest, but if you're just hearing about this, begin now you can turn the ship around before its too late.

Instantly!

It's not too late, yep. Joyce, thank you. It is just not too late at all.

There are actually three more love busters. We won't have much time to talk about all three of them, but there is one that I want to kind of emphasize, and that is what I call independent behavior. And independent behavior is behaving as if the other person didn't exist. What I mean by that is you make choices. You make decisions. You put things in your schedule without asking your spouse how he or she would feel about it, and just go ahead and do do your life as as if you were single, and married couples do that a lot. I mean, there's a lot of independent behavior. Most fights are because of independent behavior. You didn't tell me. Where were you? I have a rule called the policy of joint agreement. Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It will eliminate independent behavior. You've both got to be happy, and it's designed to prevent the loss of love units, it's designed to prevent the love Buster, independent behavior. Make all of your decisions jointly and with enthusiastic agreement.

Some say we'll never get anything done.

Yeah, that's a whole other program.

This has been a joy. Thank you so very much for sharing with us. I encourage you. It's going to help you. You know, today was a hard look at yourself. You know it was. It's like, oh, my, you know what? I've been depleting this relationship in ways that I hadn't noticed before. And it's like, you know, I'm seeing it now. I'm seeing that just simply my voice, my rage, you know, these outbursts. I had no idea that I was controlling and demanding of the other person. You know, really be very, very careful. With today's program, rather than just pointing it at your spouse, just take a moment in the mirror and very simply, just ask the Holy Spirit to remind me of where I deplete my spouse of love, where I take from them and in times and moments and I just didn't know. And together,  begin to work through these things. And again, choose humility. Just choose humility. Because I don't want to you to live a life of regrowth. I really care about you, and I want you to win.  I want life to be a win. I want you to enjoy family life. I want you to enjoy our old age together. I do. I want you to see your grandchildren and great grandchildren. I want you to pass this on to your children's children. I want you to set up a great lineage. Let it begin with you. I want you to know how patient and loving and forgiving God has been with you. And when you get a glimpse of that you can take a deep breath and say, All right, God, I'm going to trust you, and I'm going to continue to make love deposits in my spouse.