Video Transcript: Defining Roles and Responsibilities for Host Ministers Who Serve as Hospitallers

Henry - All right back. So we're getting into the nuts and bolts now of what are  the roles and responsibilities for host ministers who serve as hospitaliers. So  kind of, I said hospitality ours, there could be hospitaliers. Remember, we're,  yeah, you kind of like it that way. Don't you like a little French? Yeah. Okay. Did  you take French?  

Abby - I did, yeah, I took French in high school, so I see like for the French  language.  

Henry - Okay, so you say it hospitalier, and I'll say in hospitalier and we'll have a fun time with it. You say it however you want. Maybe in your maybe you speak a second language, a different way. I wonder what it is in your language. Okay,  let's get right to it.  

Abby - All right, the objective again, establishing the clear hosting guidelines.  So we started talking quite a bit about that in the last presentation, but we're  going to dig even deeper on how to foster a structured, respectful and  harmonious environment that prevents misunderstandings, and, again, just  really promotes a positive experience for them to again experience the Love of  Jesus. All right, the key areas of responsibility,  

Henry - length of stay, household chores and responsibilities, participation,  spiritual practices, behavioral expectation, handling conflicts and issues. What is interesting about this list is to do this before someone moves in. Yep,  

Abby - that is, like, so important, because it's like, the last thing you need is they move in and then they thought their length of stay was six months, and you  thought three months, or they thought that they weren't, you know, going to have to participate in Bible reading, and that's part of the deal. And get even  behavioral expectations, you know, maybe you, you know, don't want them to be out at the middle of the night. Again, that's an expectation that you put out at the  beginning. Otherwise, then it becomes this awkward. How do I breach the  conversation? Because communication wasn't clear from the beginning,  

Henry - right. And, you know, there's, there's this thing called the carrot and the stick where, a lot of times, as Christians, we want to please those who are our  guests, but in essence, to come with that attitude just pleasing them hurts them  and hurts you, and you won't do it again, right? So you'll say to yourself,  

Abby - and I can be a big people pleaser myself. So it's, it's easy to fall into, if  you're a people pleaser like me, where you're just wanting to, you know, not  cause any conflict, and you just want to make them happy, and you don't want 

to, like, have any harsh rules that make it hard on them. But it's exactly what you said, in the long run that kind of hurts their growth, and it's going to create a  situation where, you know, you or both could end up being very uncomfortable  or awkward or at a disagreement with each other. I  

Henry - remember early in ministry Bible studies like we would just get sharing  next thing a Bible study last two and a half hours. Okay, so and everybody loves  it and everything, and then you find out they're not coming back. Some people  are not coming back. And then when everything gets prayed through, evaluated, discussed, it comes that I can come to a retreat Bible study, if I know it's a  retreat Bible study, but I can't come to a weekly Bible study of one hour, if it goes two and a half hours. Yeah, okay. I can be a Hospitalier, Hospitalier if it's  sustainable and reproducible. I can't become one or can't do this more than one  time in my life, if right, if it's not right, what a disaster. You know, everybody was  in conflict. We had a call in Brian DeCook from Peacefire help out. You know, it  becomes too difficult to even stay so. Back to these types of things, yeah, you  know,  

Abby - right? And again, that like I was saying, maybe, you know, you only want to host someone for two weeks, Max, maybe you know you want to, are okay  with the three month stay, you know, or six months, you know, whatever, again.  And this is something that you know. If you're married, for example, you got to  make sure your spouse is on the same page. You got to factor in, if you have  kids that are living at home, all of those things are going to, you know, factor into these decisions that you might make in how long you want them there, their  behavior, expectations and things like that.  

Henry - Now we have written materials that even allow you to talk with your  possible guests about each point so you can you'll be able to read about them,  and that's all part  

Abby - of this class. And again, it's just so important to have these. Boundaries  in place, because you know, if you have explicitly said what you're looking for in  this relationship, and then they don't hold up to it, or you don't hold up to it, it  gives both of the parties, you as the host, or them as the guests, to say, Well,  you're not holding up to your end of the deal. And that's important, again, to  have that clear communication from the beginning, so that you can be able to  especially if you're hosting the person and they're not honoring the behavioral  expectations that you put into place. You know, you can say them. Well, I said  this from the very beginning, that I expected this, and you're not doing  

Henry - it. You know, we talked about why we picked the word hospitalier for 

this role, but let's talk about why we picked the word host. In a sense, all  hospitality, there's a host, but all hospitality there's a guest. So there it is, a host  and a guest. So host ministers are ones who take hosting as a ministry, but also  when we take on a guest, we have to help them understand what we mean by  guests. And are they okay with that?  

Abby - Right? Because they may say, No, I'm not okay with that, and then that's not a fit. It's not a long term fit, or a short term fit, or any type of fit.  

Henry - It's not a fit. No, that's really good  

Abby - length of stay. So again, defining that up front and then reassessing as  the time approaches if there is an extension needed. But again, just that clear  communication always leading up when it's getting close and, you know, even  saying that it's like, okay, we're two weeks before the end of this stay, but I see  

X, Y or Z, you know, you still don't have a car or something, right? You know,  well, let's look at a two week extension. But beyond that, we can't do longer than that, because of in October, we have x, y and z, you know, those kind of things.  Again, just making sure that communication is clear. If situations like an  extension come up,  

Henry - you know, you know, this is really the sticky one, because what if you're you have 30 days left, and they've really just, every day, done the minimum  expectations. They show up at the Bible study,  

Abby - looking down, not talking.  

Henry - I mean, you have chores, and they don't really do that. I think this is  really where you need that fortitude to say, well, there's 30 days left, and so on  October 1, we're asking that you move on so we can prepare for our next guests see and use that type of terminology, or we're preparing for this, and this is what our next thing is, and they're saying. Why are you just going to kick me out? Oh  no, no, no, we're not kicking you out. This is when this stay stops, see. So if  there's not that, the the coming in and kicking, I thought you Christians were  supposed to just, you know, if someone talks like that, they should be kicked  out. In a sense, they're manipulating or using  

Abby - your hospitality against you, and in that case, you know they they're not  taking the opportunity to grow and heal and respect you. They were really just  trying to use you.  

Henry - This is such an important issue. This is why many people will never do 

this, right?  

Abby - Because issues like this,  

Henry - but they will not be able to just say, here's a plan. We're sticking to the  plan. And this is why that formal discussion of host and guest expectations  length of stay is so important. And you know, I know people who do this kind of  thing, one thing they do is they plan, if they're going to plan a vacation, they plan it right when that agreement, that agreement stops. So October 5 we're out of  here, we're going to see our daughter in California or something. So you know  that we, we do not allow anyone to stay at our house unless we're in a residence somehow, you know, again, you can have your whole narrative, how your story  works. But the point is, is, lot of times, if you feel a little bit more like, more  squeamish of just enforcing it. You basically say, this is the date, and we're out  at this time, and you have to find something now, what gets hard is if it looks  like, if, if I'm on the street, I have nothing to do. Well, sometimes that's where  they have to be out on the street, and you have to be able to say, I helped you  know that Les Mis play is so interesting. I just find that so fascinating, that that  first priest place, you know, so the Who is it? That's, he's, he's released from  prison, and he in a priest. Opens up hospitality to this stranger, a prisoner, okay? And he comes in. That's a, if you have the opportunity to watch this movie, I  think that seemed to me, it makes me cry, because he comes in. And now, in  that case, there was a, we don't have any advanced or expectation roles. But  what happened was that hospitality changed that person's life, even though he  was using the priest in some ways, and the priest sent him on his way. I mean,  the police captured him. He had been stealing. He came back, and and then,  instead, the priest broke the relationship. He couldn't stay there anymore, but he said, take this, the candle things too. You forgot those. Now the point is, he was  a blessing, even if he was going to stay with the priest, he was a blessing and  what he could give, I think it's another story again, in the history of Christianity,  that again, just a  

Abby - fictional story, but it's a story of a Christian figure in that story,  

Henry - yeah, in the Les Mis play or movie, very, very interesting. So length of  stay can be sticky, but it's good up front to be really clear. And that take in the  summer that we did a hospitalier service. We had the date. We had it  established right up front, and it was no problem, because we were clear that  this is when it begins and this is where it ends. It started May 15 and ended on  August 15, and that was what it was, and it was a blessing for everybody.  

Abby - So the chores and responsibilities, so you might want to establish either 

a schedule or, you know, again, encouraging the guests to participate in simple  tasks or shared responsibility. So there's the example, you know, we ask  everyone to help with basic chores such as keeping their shared spaces tidy  and contributing to the meal preparation and cleaning up afterwards. So, you  know, maybe you eat the meal altogether and read devotions together, and  then, you know, the expectation is we're all going to collectively, rinse off the  dishes, wipe the table, put away the food. You know, they don't just eat their  meal and then walk off. And I think it's again, important and helpful for them as a guest to participate in this and helpful for you as a host to make sure you don't  get burned out. So participation spiritual practices. All right, Pastor, what  

Henry - is your offer opportunities for spiritual growth while respecting the guest  belief. And you know, on this one here again, you would might find you might  want to feel like you have to cave in, but you don't. This is part of the program.  You have devotions, and we we recommend that there's a devotional walk that  you participate in, like you're reading through the book of John or so forth, and  read one chapter. Have a little prayer, very brief discussion. Keep that five  minutes, 10 minutes. I mean, make it, you know. But if the guest often starts  talking, start talking. The point being, in a sense, it's like that coaching  relationship, you know, let them see what the Holy Spirit does, you  

Abby - know, creating the space for it. And then, you know, if they start  engaging, great, you know, then you get the opportunity to engage back  

Henry - exactly. So make participation, prayer, Bible, story or worship voluntary.  Now, what this would be is like asking them to pray. Hey, we're all going to a  Bible study tonight. You know, Sunday mornings worship. We all go to church.  Now, I even kind of believe that, depending on who it is, you could maybe even  be more firm on that, but in general, with the example, we hold prayer and Bible  study sessions each week, you're welcome to join if you feel comfortable. That's  the work of the Holy Spirit to like if someone is of an entirely different faith, they  may check this out. You know, that's, again, the work of the Holy Spirit,  

Abby - the behavioral expectations outlining those acceptable behaviors to  prevent misunderstanding. So, yeah, noise level, respective property and  personal space, yeah, and again, that's such a great point. You know, you don't  want them blasting music in your basement at 2am when you know that might  even be disrespectful to your neighbors as well as your family, right?  

Henry - And there's, there's alcohol, there's the types of stuff to say, you know,  hey, we're a home of moderation, you know, we're a home of no alcohol. You  know, whatever those 

Abby - guidelines are. Are for your home,  

Henry - we ask everyone to be mindful of noise, particularly at night, and  respect each other's personal space and privacy  

Abby - handling conflicts and issues. So establish a system for addressing  conflicts with biblical principles. Encourage regular check ins or an open door  policy for discussing concerns. So example, and if any issues arise, please feel  free to bring them up directly so we can work through them together. So just  again, at the get go, if you're able to tell them that this is how you want to handle conflicts, you know it again, could create a space where maybe there is an issue where, you know, your kid keeps purposefully going into their guest room and  messing it up. I mean, it's like you've got to be able to create this space where  they can then come talk to you and say, You know what, I'm really sorry about  your you know, son keeps coming in my room and like, touching my stuff, and  that's upsetting to me. And again, that space needs to be there for them to be  able to  

Henry - have so you're really thinking about this, because  

Abby - my my little three year old would definitely not I would have a hard time  respecting personal  

Henry - so in your case, you might want to say, now we have a possible conflict. I want you know where it is, it's It's Hank Yeah, he might come in now, we will do our best, but know that this is  

Abby - right. He likes going into that room or whatever, yeah, playing with the  guitar in there, whatever. Okay, I see it. Communication. Communicating  expectations with clarity and kindness. So again, you know, I just keep saying  the word communicate again and again, because I think that's where the issues  arise. When someone feels too awkward to communicate about something, or  just doesn't, isn't willing to put it out there and and when we communicate our  expectations with that love and patience that we're called to do. It's going to help us be able to provide the best physical, emotional and spiritual support, and  having these guidelines with grace and empathy. And I love that Bible verse, but  in all things we should be done with decency. And in order, from I Corinthians  14:40,  

Henry - setting clear roles, responsibilities, fosters fosters a nurturing and  respectful environment support structures, structure that supports both guests 

and the ministry. I love that guests and the ministry. This is your ministry. You are the host the ministry. HOST mutual respect creates a peaceful atmosphere for  effective and compassionate ministry. So you know these expectations, I think  for some you are going to feel like stodgy, like, Oh, why do I? You know, can't  No, but we do recommend, if this is something you're called to do, to incorporate clear sets of expectations. If this is a ministry you are called into.