Video Transcript: Family Culture and Safe Home Boundary Training for Host Ministers

Henry - So we're back. So this is presentation is called family culture and safe  home boundaries for host ministers essentially clear, respectful and practical  boundaries. So  

Abby - we're going even deeper on what we talked about last time, where it was a little more the stay there's some of those keynotes, but now we're getting a  little bit deeper onto some of the more boundaries that might be needed to make sure this goes really smoothly. So  

Henry - you want to establish clear risk by phone, practical boundaries for the  home. So the first boundaries, call them the macro boundaries. These now are  the micro boundaries. Yeah, so cover guidelines on behavior, privacy, personal  

habits, social media, mutual respect. Again, we talked the big category behavior, but there in the reading you have, you have very specific things, but this is very  specific to ensure a peaceful, safe and structured environment.  

Abby - So what is your family culture? You know you want to share that with  them, being able to tell them about, you know, the expectations of respect and  treating everyone with dignity and honesty, open and safe, communication,  kindness, Grace, reflecting Christ's love and all interactions, and again, that  boundary of the privacy and personal space and belonging. So think it's really  important for them, especially if maybe they don't even have a Christian  background. It's kind of an opportunity to share the values of Christianity as  values of your family. That's powerful. Part Two, all right, the practical guidelines  for the behavior. So again, this can be another sticky area. What you know?  What is the communicated house rules on smoking and drinking and other  habits like that? Maybe you know, again, substance abuse or illegal substance  use is strictly prohibited in your home, and making sure they know that you  know, same thing with dress code and modesty. It's important that they, you  know, are being asked to maintain. Again, I have little children, so if I was  hosting someone and they were dressing very indecently in our shared space,  that would be something that would be a really big violation and respecting  privacy. Yeah, no snooping or invading personal spaces. Again, you know it's so  important that maybe they know you know what our bedroom is, an area where  we don't really ever want you to go in and being able to tell them that right away, I think is important. Same thing on maybe social media, public sharing. Maybe  you want to make sure they're not posting photos or information about others  without their consent, and again, maintaining the confident confidentiality. Maybe on their end, they don't want you posting anything either. You know about that.  They're staying with you, so let it making sure all of that is known on the social  media and the privacy 

Henry - some of the mistakes I made in ministry was having an expectation  when I first church, planted church, you know, people would come to the Lord,  and then I'd be so excited. So I say to the whole group, Sarah here has become  a believer. Well, Sarah did become a believer, but Sarah, it was not mine to  share, yeah. So really, that privacy so and even in a hospitality or minister role, a host, Minister, role, things happen that might be really amazing, but I believed,  or I believed back then it was not helpful, in the end, for me to in a non  permission way to share milestones or things. In a sense, I am hosting them.  The relationship is a confidential relationship, right? What happens? It's the  same. This can happen as well. You find somebody, they're they're raw off the  street, they come in, and at first, you can just see the work of God, conviction  and you know, and even with all the expectations, if someone comes from a  very triggered, broken experience. And now all of a sudden, they come into your home, there's going to be some emotional throwing up occurring. There's going  to be triggers.  

Abby - Okay? So there are going to be things, yeah, maybe you do or someone in your family does that you wouldn't have even expected to be an issue with  them. So  

Henry - then what happens sometimes is now everybody knows you're doing  this hospitalier role? And number one, they're wondering the themselves, why  are you doing this anyway? So then they want the play by play on whether  you're succeeding or failing. So what can happen is, oh, you won't believe what  happened today. She slept in until 10 o'clock and did not help with the dishes.  Now, now it becomes like this, this whole play by play of the negative, yeah, or it could be the play by play of the positive instead of like, you know, someone  says, How's it going? Hey, we're just starting this out. Praise Lord. We pray that  everything goes well and leave it alone, don't you don't need to. Talk to details  are  

Abby - probably, again, needing to be kept confidential. That's another reason  why we like it being such a minister role in the confidentiality that even clergy  have and things like that. You know, keeping that in mind as you're doing this  host Minister role, right?  

Henry - It's like, don't go into this if you feel like, if you are prone to gossip, and  you're prone to you're offended easily, and things don't go well, and or if you are  offended easy, and you are prone to gossip, this area just surrendered to Jesus  

Christ. And this is a great test. Can you do that? Can you sort of keep your  emotional boundary? Because as a host minister, you're going to get triggered 

Abby - sometime, right? They're going to do things that are Oh, and  

Henry - sometimes what they do, they don't even know they're doing to you. But this is part of the reason that they're on a journey. Okay, so the Holy Spirit's  going to work in that reason and to give them the safe space to work through  their sinful nature. You have one too in grace. Those are all like, really, super  important,  

Abby - you know, I had somebody I knew really well, hosting someone else I  knew really well. And, yep, all that kind of stuff started happening where they  initially had boundaries, that they were going to help with groceries and this, and that they just stopped doing all that. They were basically just taking, taking,  taking, taking. And you know, that can happen so easily. And I think in that  situation, it was really hard to have that communication and kind of confronting  Well, you know you're not holding up to what you said. And so again, as you go  into this, make sure like you said, maybe you know you're prone to gossip, or  you're prone to being concerned about this or that maybe you're a clean freak  and you're very worried about how they're going to do on keeping the house  clean, and again, just making sure you're communicating those things and kind  of finding a way to be able to address it if issues keep happening, versus then,  yeah, just talking about it with someone else, talking about with someone else to kind of vent the situation,  

Henry - you know. And a lot of times, too, there's a lot of triggers that are going  on. You are getting pushed in, triggers you have, but you are triggering them  too. So there's going to be and know, there's spiritual warfare. The devil doesn't  want anyone to really sign on to Jesus Christ, or to really be experienced as  loved. So I've seen some of these host Minister types, and they're amazing.  They don't take offense yet. They're firm in their boundaries. They don't gossip  about others that the how they're they're doing, because I know, like, even as a  minister, I'll sort of do the minister thing. How's it going? What can I pray for?  And they don't even say and, and I know it's not going great because someone's just off the street or something, but they are so gracious and kind. The Lord is at work. We're so happy to serve this child of God. And they even, they even use  the terminology this child of God, this guest, while, if you were to live with that  person, there's firm, clear boundaries that are simultaneously being met. It's just an incredible concept of love to others,  

Abby - so the boundaries around the personal interaction, yeah, no romantical  advances, so preventing anything inappropriate or misunderstanding on that  and again, that friendliness versus the familiarity, like, how do you maintain that  warm environment while also, again, preserving those appropriate boundaries 

where it doesn't cross formality that it you know, familiarity that it shouldn't,  

Henry - you know the you know. So hypothetically, if there was a romance,  somehow that worked out. And again, I I would say that's rare, rare, rare finish  there. I would strongly advise finish the three months or whatever you have, and then explore that. If you think there's something, explore that way down the  road. Oh,  

Abby - right, when they are no longer within your, you know, hosting they're  somewhere else, then it would be, you know, could be right. Could possibly the  time. First thing that not at the time, well,  

Henry - again, these are all of these things to love someone is to really maintain that boundary. And it could create, it's a very risky thing to do anyway, if  someone's living there and all of a sudden a romantic overture is made that  could put somebody out of a safe zone. So it's almost like, don't go there, right?  

Abby - And again, back on those hosting agreements and the termination of  stay, you know, the duration of the stay, making sure you're giving those notice a period, making sure there's that agreement for the guest stay, and that either  party, could terminate the stay with a one week notice. I think that's really  important. So, you know, maybe they, this guest, has done something that was  so, you know, major you felt in danger, your kids in danger, or something like  that, where, you know you need to terminate it, you know, trying to stay within  the one week notice of telling them that, and then if there was a termination for a more serious boundary violation. You know that might be something where  maybe even you want to get the assistance of a mentor or something involved  

Henry - well, and I do like the concept of, let's say you're a host minister, and  then get a support cast to help you that are all in that confidentiality loop. And  then you even say to someone we're opening our home. I want you to meet  John and Liz and Sam and Barb, us three together. Have a hospitalier ministry  we stay at our house is where it's opened up. But this little support group has  different gifts, so it's little household hospitaliery thing now. Now, you know, it's a little safer you've been included somewhere else. Now, again, be careful not to  gossip with each other like you've got this big project. See, that's the downside,  but, but really, if you can figure out that respectful thing, you might have this to  bring. Liz might have that to bring, you know, Sam might have that to bring, like  Sam might be really good as a carpenter and or skills. And there could be and  Liz might be just great at language. You know, you're not great, like my I  mentioned before my mother, my mother was not great at language. She was  great at love, yeah, okay, well, my wife is great at language. Okay, so there's a 

combination. It might be a multi generational like a father and mother who have  teaching this  

Abby - course together. It's kind of interesting the perspective of you guys are in the season of your life where you're empty nesters and you're between Florida  and Michigan. I'm in the season of my life, where I have two very, very young  children, and that creates, again, a different experience of being a host minister,  right?  

Henry - So again, it's where you are in the different groups of people you'd be  appropriate to host. You would be more appropriate to host, let's say people  your age, you know, or a single woman who's in a transition and you've got your  apartment next door, or a young couple from another nation. Or, you know, you  may feel like, you know, we don't really want to do prison ministry just because  of the safety of young children. You know, again, those are all those areas that  you have that calling of the Lord to figure out.  

Abby - So yeah, just it's so important to establish that mutual respect, trust and  grace, and how essential that is. Again, just this presentation was going even  deeper on how to create those clear guidelines to ensure a safe, stable  environment for the host and the guests, so that we can, through this role as  ministers, create healing and growth and spiritual nourishment during the stay.  

Henry - So in when you hear it in teaching, I want to assure you that in real life,  these issues aren't as big of a deal, but if you don't take care to them, that's  where the biggest deals occur, because then you're just going in there and  you're not talking it through. And in our we as a church planting family, ministry  family, who've done this know it's whatever you do, do set the expectations, and  don't feel bad that there are expectations. And don't be feel bad at you that you  would create expectations. Your goal is to love them and to create an  environment where you and them together as fellow image bearers, serving the  Lord. You serving the Lord to be a host, and who knows what the Holy Spirit will  do while they are with you.