Video Transcript: Spirit-Led Listening

Spirit-Led Listening

🎧 Turning Your Ears to God

So we’re back, and I’m just thinking about the ending of our last conversation too—about, you know, in Spirit-led listening. If I go back to this even intro slide, it’s turning your ears to God and others.

As opposed to a coach who is not connected to God, right? He’d be turning your ears back to you.

Yeah. So essentially—and we know this, we’ve been into the coaching programs—we know what the secular coaching programs are like. And it is really true. In fact, they’re very clear about teaching the coach to be non-directive. You do not come with your bias.

But the reality is, that makes a lot of assumptions—that the person you’re coaching has good intentions. So if somebody did have malicious intent—secretly, that is, to just be greedy and who cares who he or she uses—and then they go to a coach, and the coach is helping them get there faster and destroy the world of their world, so to speak…

Yeah, it’s fascinating. That marriage, yes—you want a divorce? “Let me help you get to that quicker.” I know.

Yeah. And in fact, we’ve seen that so often in ministry where someone goes to a coach, and someone asks them, “So do you love your wife?” That’s a good question…

No guidance. No asking, “What does God want?” Then the next question is, “Well, let’s make a goal to find out if you even want to be married.” Yeah.

Okay, so now all of a sudden, there’s ownership, and let’s talk about the positive. Let’s talk about strategies to find out whether or not... which is leading the person, right?

Because now you’re making it: you could do this, or you could do that. But if that person is a Christian—it’s not okay. You made a vow. You did these things. How does that fit?

Now, could there be brokenness? Could this possibly happen? Yes. But now you have to deal with all that.

Yes, you have to deal with your faith. You have to deal with the church. You have to deal with the promise you made in front of your family and friends. Rather than just excusing it—forget it. Let’s not even think about it. Let’s just think about what you like and what you don’t.

So the coach is now saying, the metric upon which I will help you make your decision is what you like and what you don’t like.

Right. He’s deciding that.

Rather than, “No—you got married in a church, so let’s look at following a vow versus breaking a vow.” Let’s make that the metric now and talk about it.

Now I’m still not directing you—I’m not telling you what to do.

I’m just bringing up: you’re the one that got married in the church, right? I’m bringing that up to you. You claim to be a Christian. You claim to walk with God. And so...

🧭 Distinctives of Christian Coaching

And that really is what we’re talking about today with these objectives:

• Understand the difference between active and Spirit-led listening

• Learn to listen beneath the surface

• Discern God’s voice while hearing others

• Practice listening as a spiritual discipline

So now we’re actually starting to venture into some of those distinctive ministry Christian coaching principles—where we coach in a worldview.

👂 Why Listening Matters

Listening honors the image of God in others. People feel safe when they’re heard. Spirit-led listening opens space for healing and conviction.

So we’ve talked about the importance of listening—but listening functions in a very holy way.

Yeah, I think it’s sort of the picture of the gospel, right? God comes to us and at first says, “I love you.” I think of the parable of the Prodigal Son.

🗣️ What Is the Person Not Saying?

Steve: That’s an interesting thing. You know, sometimes if we're quick to come to a conclusion, we think we know what a person is truly saying—or not saying—in our own mind.

Henry: But what is the person not saying?

Steve: Right. They might not be saying anything that, you know, nothing… they’ve not mentioned anything is their fault at all. Right? The whole time—everybody else’s fault, and not one thing they’ve done wrong in any of it.

Henry: Right. So what does that mean?

Steve: Yeah, and even that might be worth, instead of accusing, just saying something like, “Hey, I noticed that we’ve talked about this for an hour, and you’ve said a lot of things about what other people did. I’m just wondering, is there anything that you did that maybe contributed to this?”

Henry: Yeah. And again, it’s still not accusatory.

Steve: No.

Henry: It’s still reflective. You're just noticing. You're not saying, “You did this.” You're just saying, “I just noticed something.”

🔍 Gently Surfacing the Unspoken

Steve: And maybe they go, “No, I can’t think of anything.” Okay. Then you go on. But maybe they come back later and say, “You know, I was thinking about what you said the other day, and there was this one thing...”

Henry: That’s right. So it’s not about forcing a moment. It’s about creating a safe space so the Holy Spirit can work in that moment—or maybe the next.

🧠 Head and Heart Sync

Steve: I think what you’re doing is, you’re helping the head and the heart connect. Because people know the right answers in their head, but the emotions haven’t caught up.

Henry: Yeah. Or the pain hasn’t been addressed yet. And if the pain is blocking the truth from landing in the heart, they’re stuck.

Steve: Exactly. So when you slow down and listen—and you’re not correcting, you’re not rushing—they’re allowed to feel safe enough to face it.

🧘‍♂️ Listening as Spiritual Posture

Henry: Listening becomes a ministry posture. You're listening to God and listening to them at the same time.

Steve: That’s spirit-led listening. That’s what makes it different from just good counseling or active listening techniques. You’re in a posture of prayerful attention—“Lord, what are You doing here?”

Henry: And you're not trying to do something to the person. You're coming alongside them. You’re watching and waiting.

⚖️ Truth in Love

Steve: And it might be that you sense something’s off, but you don’t say, “Hey, I think you’re in denial.” That’s not helpful.

Henry: No. But you might ask, “What do you think God thinks about that?” or “Is there anything you feel like you’ve been avoiding?”

Steve: And even if they don’t answer it right then, they walk away with it. And that’s coaching—that’s ministry.

🕯️ The Light of Christ, Not Ours

Henry: You’re not the light. You reflect the light. Jesus said, “You are the light of the world,” but we’re the reflection. He’s the source.

Steve: And that’s such a key to humility. Because if I think I’m the source of the wisdom, then I have to fix you. But if I’m reflecting Christ’s light, I can point to Him.

Henry: Right. And it frees us from the pressure. It frees us to love without controlling, to listen without manipulating.

🌱 Planting Seeds, Not Controlling Growth

Steve: Sometimes you’re just planting a seed. You may not see any growth for years, and that’s okay.

Henry: And you may never know what came of it. But it wasn’t wasted.

Steve: That’s the life of ministry coaching. It’s trusting that God is doing more than we can see.

🧠 Self-Awareness in the Coach

Steve: Sometimes people will say things and they won’t even hear what they said.

Henry: Yeah.

Steve: So you just mirror it back. “So, you’re saying your spouse is 100% at fault?” And now they have to hear their own words.

Henry: And maybe laugh a little.

Steve: Right. And then you might ask, “Have you contributed anything to the tension in the relationship?”

Henry: And they might pause—and that pause is powerful.

💡 Reflective Questions Over Rigid Advice

Steve: Coaches don’t give advice unless it's asked for. And even then, it’s often better to say, “Would you like to hear something I’ve seen work?” instead of “Here’s what you should do.”

Henry: It keeps it invitational. And that’s the posture of Jesus—inviting, not forcing.

Steve: Yes. He didn’t go around yelling, “Repent!” like a drill sergeant. He asked questions that made people think.

🛠️ Tools of a Ministry Coach

Henry: So, just to recap—what are some of the key tools we’ve discussed so far?

Steve: Listening with humility. Asking questions instead of giving answers. Trusting the Holy Spirit more than your own insight.

Henry: And making space—for silence, for emotion, for processing.

Steve: That’s right. Ministry coaching isn’t about performance—it’s about presence.

🤫 Recognizing the Unspeakable

Henry: So, what does it mean if someone doesn't mention anything that was their fault?

Steve: Yeah, like… not one thing wrong, and it’s all everybody else’s fault.

Henry: That’s a signal.

Steve: Right. So, you don’t just call them out—“Hey, you’re blaming everyone else.” Instead, you might say, “I'm curious—have you felt any personal regret in all of this?”

Henry: It invites reflection, not defense.

🧩 Patterns and Posture

Steve: You might also look for patterns. “Have you found yourself in similar situations before?” And now, we’re going somewhere. Now there’s history.

Henry: Or, “Does this remind you of anything earlier in life?”

Steve: Because often, people are not responding just to what’s in front of them—they’re responding to pain or trauma that came before.

🕊️ The Holy Spirit Is the Counselor

Henry: This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. Because sometimes, even we don’t know what to ask.

Steve: And yet, God brings something to our mind. A scripture. A phrase. A pause.

Henry: And when that happens, we’re not directing—we’re discerning.

Steve: Right. And we’re inviting the other person to discern too. “Could the Spirit be saying something here?”

🧭 From Active to Spirit-Led

Henry: So, it’s okay to start with active listening.

Steve: Absolutely. That’s a great place to begin. But as you grow as a ministry coach, you’ll start noticing the Spirit’s whisper underneath the surface.

Henry: And you’ll get better at waiting. Letting the moment breathe.

Steve: Yes. You don’t have to fill every silence with words. Sometimes, that’s where the Spirit does the most work.

🛑 Don't Jump Ahead

Steve: And again, you don’t have to be perfect at this.

Henry: No. It’s a learning process.

Steve: You just have to be willing to slow down and not rush to fix.

Henry: That’s a theme we’ve come back to a lot—don’t try to jump ahead of what God is doing.

Steve: Yes. Let God set the pace.

🔍 Tune In, Don’t Take Over

Henry: So, to summarize: Spirit-led listening means we tune into the person… and to God.

Steve: Right. And we don’t take over. We don’t hijack the session with our solutions or our stories.

Henry: We walk with them. And we let the Holy Spirit lead the way.

Steve: Exactly. That’s the kind of ministry that leads to real transformation.

📿 Ministry as Sacred Listening

Henry: Listening itself becomes the ministry.

Steve: It’s not a means to the ministry. It is the ministry.

Henry: And when we do that with compassion, humility, and patience, people start to open up in ways they never thought they could.

Steve: Because grace always creates space.

🤔 Listening for What’s Missing

Henry: So let’s go back to that question… What is the person not saying?

Steve: Yeah, maybe the whole conversation is blaming others. Parents, spouse, boss, church… but never a word about their own part.

Henry: That silence speaks loudly.

Steve: Right. And as coaches, we’re listening for that. We’re not jumping in to accuse, but we might say, “Hey, I notice you’ve mentioned a lot about what others have done. What’s been your part in all of this?”

🧠 Listen with Your Whole Self

Henry: And it’s not just about the words. It's tone, emotion, pauses…

Steve: That’s right. Sometimes what’s not said is felt more than heard.

Henry: And that’s where Spirit-led listening is more than a skill. It’s a spiritual posture.

Steve: Yes. A humble, prayerful, Spirit-sensitive heart.

🙏 Let the Spirit Guide

Henry: So as we wrap this session—this isn't just about techniques.

Steve: No, it's about trust. Trusting God. Trusting the Spirit. Trusting that your listening matters.

Henry: Because when people are truly heard, they often hear God better too.

🔍 Reflecting and Discerning

Henry: Sometimes when we're listening, we might notice a pattern… like avoidance, or maybe shame.

Steve: Or maybe there’s deep hurt they haven’t named yet.

Henry: Right. And we’re not trying to force a conclusion. We’re just gently naming what we notice. “I sense there might be some hurt under that. Is that right?”

Steve: And that gives them the space to process it, maybe for the first time.

A Grace Mirror, Not a Spotlight

Steve: We’ve said it before—coaches are not fixers, but mirrors. And not just any mirror—a grace mirror.

Henry: That means we don’t reflect people’s brokenness in a shaming way. We reflect with love and truth.

Steve: So they can see themselves clearly, but through the lens of God’s grace.

Henry: That kind of reflection is what leads to repentance, healing, and growth.

🛑 Don’t Rush the Process

Henry: There’s a temptation to rush. To give advice. To move things along.

Steve: But transformation takes time. And silence is part of that sacred space.

Henry: We’re holding space for the Spirit to work. We’re not the ones doing the changing.

Steve: That’s humbling—but also freeing.

🗣️ Listening for What’s Not Said

Steve: What is the person not saying?

Henry: That’s an interesting question. Sometimes we’re so quick to jump to conclusions that we miss what’s being left out.

Steve: Maybe they never mention their own role in a conflict. Everything is someone else’s fault.

Henry: Right. That silence might be pointing to shame, denial, fear, or even a blind spot.

Steve: So we gently ask, “What do you think your part in this might have been?”

Henry: And not in a condemning way. But just opening the door for them to reflect more deeply.

🧭 Asking with Gentle Direction

Henry: And this is where coaching intersects with discernment.

Steve: Because sometimes, it’s not about what they’re saying—it’s about what they’re avoiding.

Henry: And we don’t fill in the blanks for them. We ask.

Steve: We reflect back what we observe. “I noticed you didn’t mention anything about your own feelings in this. What’s going on there?”

💡 Discernment, Not Assumption

Henry: And again, we don’t assume. We’re not mind readers.

Steve: That’s right. We’re discerners—not dictators.

Henry: It’s asking, not asserting. “Could it be that you’re feeling…?” or “I wonder if there’s something under the surface here?”

Steve: And sometimes the Holy Spirit will nudge you toward something. But you still bring it humbly.

Henry: “I’m sensing there may be more to this—does that resonate with you?” That’s a safe way to test it.

🧎 Spirit-Led Patience

Steve: Because what we’re doing is creating a safe space for truth to surface.

Henry: We’re letting the Spirit bring conviction in His time—not ours.

Steve: And sometimes the most loving thing we can do is wait.

Henry: Yes, just be there. Quiet. Present. Not forcing.

🎯 Identifying Gaps in Ownership

Steve: What is the person not saying?

Henry: Right, maybe they haven't taken ownership. Maybe they haven’t admitted any fault.

Steve: Exactly. Everyone else is to blame—parents, spouse, boss—but nothing about themselves.

Henry: That’s where a good spirit-led coach might gently ask, “Is there anything you could’ve done differently?”

Steve: Or, “Have you considered your part in this situation?”

Henry: It’s not accusatory—it’s invitational.

🔍 Listening for the Unspoken

Steve: Sometimes what isn’t said is louder than what is.

Henry: Yes. Maybe there’s shame, or fear. Or maybe they just don’t feel safe yet.

Steve: That’s why we emphasize patience and presence—so that when the time is right, they feel free to open up.

Henry: Spirit-led coaching trusts God’s timing, not our agenda.

🛑 The Danger of Rushing Insight

Steve: I think sometimes, in our eagerness to help, we rush the process.

Henry: Right. We want the breakthrough, the confession, the healing—all in one session.

Steve: But what if the Holy Spirit is still preparing the soil?

Henry: Exactly. We might be trying to harvest when God is still planting.

🧭 Coaching with Gentle Curiosity

Steve: That’s where gentle curiosity comes in. Asking, not telling.

Henry: Like, “What do you think is underneath that feeling?” or “Has anything like this ever happened before?”

Steve: Those questions help people reflect, not defend.

Henry: And they give the Holy Spirit room to work.

🤲 Trusting the Spirit’s Timeline

Henry: Sometimes it takes weeks. Sometimes years.

Steve: We’ve seen that, haven’t we? People come back years later and say, “You asked me something that changed my life.”

Henry: And we didn’t even know it at the time!

Steve: Because it wasn’t us—it was the Spirit.

🔍 Spirit-Led Discernment

Henry: What does that mean?

Steve: Right. Because, again, you’re letting them figure this out. You’re not jumping in with, “I know what you’re not saying.” You’re just waiting—being sensitive. And sometimes it’s just saying, “Hey, I noticed this…” or, “You mentioned this person a lot, but you haven’t really mentioned your part. Can you talk about that?” That’s all. It’s just an invitation to reflect.

Henry: And again, it's very loving. You're not blaming. You're just saying, “I noticed.”

Steve: Right. It’s giving them the space to discover, not making them feel accused.

🛠 Practical Steps for Spirit-Led Listening

• Pray before you meet.

• Ask spirit-guided questions.

• Repeat key phrases—they matter.

• Notice shifts in tone, tears, tension.

• Leave room for the Spirit to work.

Steve: And I’d say, don’t be afraid of those silent pauses.

Henry: Right, because that’s when real processing happens.

Steve: Yes. If you fill every silence, the person never gets to truly wrestle. You’re short-circuiting the growth.

💡 Coaching in a Ministry Worldview

Henry: So in conclusion, this class is about coaching with a ministry worldview. And that includes:

• Active listening ✅

• Spirit-led discernment 🕊

• Humble posture 🙇‍♂️

• Compassionate presence ❤️

• Scripture as anchor 📖

Steve: Right. Because otherwise, we’re just using coaching as a tool for human ambition or self-help. But this is about being a vessel of grace.

Henry: A mirror of grace. Not a mechanic, not a fixer—but someone who reflects God's love and truth.

Steve: If you’re just starting out in coaching, don’t be intimidated. You don’t have to know it all. Start with humility and curiosity.

Henry: Yes, and pray. Always pray. Invite the Holy Spirit to be the lead coach in every session.

Steve: And remember, you’re not the change agent—God is. You’re just showing up, staying present, and trusting the process.

Henry: That’s what ministry coaching is all about.

🧠 What Is the Person Not Saying?

Steve: Well, and here's something that I find interesting—and after a while, you’ll get more and more skilled at this. Somebody will say something like,

“You know, I’m just sorry that he felt that way,”
or
“I’m really sincerely sorry he felt that way,”
or
“It struggles and pains me that he felt that way.”

Okay. You had sort of a trigger, you had sort of a neutral, and you had sort of “I’m so hurt that he felt that way.” But what is that person not saying? They’re not saying, “I could be wrong.” Right?

Henry: Okay.

Steve: “I’m sorry they feel that way,” but that person’s not exploring:

Is there a reason—something you did?

Henry: Right. I’m assuming that you did something wrong, right?

Steve: Right. Or it could be I just misread everything, right? Or, when you’re with a client, the client is telling you how hurt they feel that someone felt that way, but maybe the client has to address, “Do I have blood on my own hands?”

Because the client could have said, “I told that person that I was wrong, and I understand why that person felt that way.”

🕊 Discernment in Subtle Moments

Steve: But again, this is very subtle. That’s that “what the person is not saying.” The person might be looking like they’ve asked for forgiveness. But they’re not saying, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
They’re saying, “I’m so sorry the person thought that way.”
They’re not taking responsibility. They could just as well be blaming that person.

So that’s spirit-led discernment. What is the person not saying?

📖 Let Scripture Surface

Steve: And what Scripture surfaces in your heart? We’ve found that, haven’t we? The Holy Spirit just gives us Scripture.

Henry: Yeah, and even to ask them:

“What Scriptures come to mind in this situation for you?”

That may take you—or them—somewhere neither one of you anticipated.

Steve: Yes. They might come up with a verse, and then you ask:

“How do you think that relates to anything we’re talking about?”

They might not know right away. But somehow it triggered them.

🌬 Follow the Nudge of the Spirit

Steve: So what is the Spirit highlighting?
What direction is God nudging you to explore?

And again, these are all, in a sense, semi-directive. You’re not telling anyone what to do. You’re just creating the space for the work of God.

👂 He Who Has Ears to Hear

Henry: So finally, we conclude here with ears that hear:

“He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

Steve: So simple, yeah.

Henry: You know, Jesus sounds like He’s gathering people—and maybe we don’t do this well.

✨ Spirit-Led Listening: Slower, Deeper, Holier

Steve: No. Spirit-led listening is slower. It’s deeper. It’s holier.
You listen for more than words.
You listen for God.

Henry: And again, I want to go back to what you said earlier—that a minister coach has a perspective that, to me, is dynamite. It’s changing. It’s transforming.

Because we truly know Jesus rose from the dead.
We know there’s grace.
We know the cross finished the payment.

And it’s not just, “I’m the coach and you’re the coach-ee.”
God is sitting at the table with us.
And we both acknowledge that.

Steve: Yes.

Henry: So the questions I ask—it would be weird to ignore that third person in the room.

Steve: Yes.

Henry: So powerful.
So powerful.