📍 Discerning Boundaries and Next Steps

Well, we’re back. Today, we’re going to discuss the vital discernment of boundaries and next steps.

So, you're having conversations—all of that—but you’ll find (and you’ll find this if you’re not careful) that you can get into a codependent relationship, where people’s validation starts connecting to the relationship with the minister coach, rather than them actually owning their life.

So boundaries become vital.

🧠 Learning Objectives

In this session, we’re going to:

• Understand the role of healthy boundaries in coaching

• Learn how to help clients discern Spirit-led next steps

• Maintain integrity and clarity in every session

Okay, so let’s get right to it.

🔒 Why Boundaries Matter

Let’s just talk about the philosophy of boundaries.

When someone gets married and they say their vows to one another in front of everybody, what they’re doing is creating a huge boundary.

It’s a boundary of recognition:

• This is a couple.

• This person has a ring.

• This person is married.

• They’re not single anymore.

• They’re no longer an option for dating.

Notice the power of this boundary.

❤️ Boundaries in Marriage and Consent

It also creates other relational boundaries, such as:

• Sexuality can now be practiced within this covenant.

• Consent for sexuality is given in this relationship between a man and a woman.

For the rest of the world, outside of marriage, this issue of consent is a struggle.

Someone thinks they have consent, they have sex, and then—“No, I was raped.” Because the boundaries are blurry.

People don’t know where the boundaries are.

But marriage is a boundary, and it says: “In this marriage, two consenting adults open up their bodies to one another.”

In the Christian world, this boundary is:

• A place for children

• A place for safety

 things like divorce and brokenness. But the power of the boundary is huge.

🏡 Boundaries Everywhere in Life

Your house is a boundary.

What is it? It provides safety for the people in the house. They don’t have strangers suddenly walking in and writing on things or doing this or that. Everyone in the house knows the rules of the house, which also serve as boundaries.

You play football—there are rules.
You play golf—there’s a field, specific dimensions.

Every game, every sport has boundaries.

Wouldn’t it be great to say at the end, “Let’s just do it again!”
But no—there are boundaries.

We wouldn’t like the game of golf if there weren’t severe boundaries in golf. That’s what actually makes it fun and interesting.

🎬 Cultural Views on Boundaries

In some ways, we need to reach a point where we genuinely appreciate the boundary lines.

Often, we talk about being free of boundaries—no limits!—and it’s celebrated in movies and media.

And yes, there’s an aspect where boundaries can feel like a jail, right?

🚗 Boundaries Create Safety

Everything you do:

• The clothes you wear

• The car you drive

• The side of the road you drive on in your country

If you didn’t follow that rule, we’d have chaos—we’d have deaths. But because we all agree:

“Here’s our boundary. You stay there, I stay here.”

Now we can drive safely, live safely.

💰 Boundaries in Exchange and Justice

I work—I get paid.
If I work, and you decide not to pay me? Well, that doesn’t work.

I go to the store—I give money, and they give me the item. Right?

These are all boundaries.

And it even goes deeply spiritual.

✝️ The Atonement: God's Boundary

When someone sins—someone pays.

That’s the atonement boundary.

So here comes Jesus Christ, to the cross—because God’s justice must be appeased.

It’s a boundary.

Like so many others, it must be recognized.

God doesn’t just say:

“Forget it. Forget you sinned.”

No—God says:

“I take boundaries seriously—so much so that someone’s going to pay. And I will let My Son pay.”

Yes. But it’s still a boundary.

It’s a real boundary.

👁️ Boundaries You May Not Notice

So, boundaries matter. They probably matter more than you think.

There are probably boundaries going on that you’re not even self-aware of—and they’re present in your life every single day.

I think we made that point. ✅

🤝 Boundaries in Ministry Coaching

Now, the fact is that in coaching, as in ministry coaching relationships, boundaries matter too.

They protect the coach and the client because we’re working within a structured framework.

❌ Clear Professional Limits

One of the boundaries is:

“I can’t start dating my client.”

That would wreak havoc on the whole relationship.

🚪 Situational Boundaries: People, Places, and Perception

So, you know, there’s the whole boundary of: Should you be in a building with someone?

If I’m a male coach, and now this woman wants to be coached, and I invite her to this building—and it’s just me and her—is that appropriate to be in the same room?

• Who knows what could happen there?

• Or what about the appearance of impropriety?

• Or what if the person is hurt by something the coach says, and then they go on to say something malicious about the coach?

There is also spiritual warfare at work.

So we have to avoid those basic kinds of things.

🧓 Longevity in Ministry Through Boundaries

We can both testify, as ministers, that we’ve kept good boundaries. And one of the reasons we’re still doing ministry at our advanced ages—64 and 69—is that we've held to boundaries.

We realized: they matter.

When I was young in ministry, there were a couple of times I didn’t even understand the boundaries. And I’m telling you—by the grace of God, I didn’t get into trouble.

But it wasn’t long before I realized:

“I will not meet one-on-one with a woman who is not my wife.”

👩‍❤️‍👨 Spousal and Digital Boundaries

If there’s a situation that must involve one-on-one interaction, you can call your spouse to be present—or theirs.

And then there are phone boundaries.
Even on the phone:

• Don’t create dependency

• Avoid flirtation

• Don’t joke around inappropriately

• Don’t send overly familiar texts

In ministry coaching, you’ll deal with:

• Sexuality

• Hurt and pain

• Vulnerability

But I’ll tell you—honor those boundaries. Make sure this doesn’t become:

• About your own validation

• About feeling liked by someone else

• About compensating for being unloved at home

These dynamics can happen in coaching relationships.

🛑 Warning: Proceed with Boundaries or Perish

In some ways, we’re warning you:

“Go into this at your own peril if you don’t set up boundaries.”

• Boundaries of place

• Boundaries of time

• Boundaries of session commitment

“Are we going to meet for four sessions, or the rest of your life?”

Set expectations.

Otherwise, you’ll get eaten up in this coaching thing.

🔐 Why Boundaries Protect the Coach and Client

Boundaries prevent:

• Dependency

• Overstepping your role

• Emotional exhaustion

They also help you honor your time, energy, and responsibility.

📖 Biblical Basis for Boundaries

“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.”
(Matthew 5:37)

That’s a boundary.

“Each one will bear his own burden.”
(Galatians 6:5)

That’s a boundary.

So in coaching, we help people with their burden—but:

“I am not the savior for you. Jesus is.”

Don’t become the substitute for Jesus—a role some coaches slip into.

✝️ Healthy Coaching Includes Holy Limits

Healthy coaching includes holy limits.

📆 Types of Boundaries in Coaching

1. Time Boundaries

• When are we meeting?

• How long are we meeting?

When I started, I had a heart for ministry, and I gave people everything—no boundaries.

“When do you want to meet? Saturday? Sure—even if it’s family time.”

But I realized:

“People take off work for a doctor. Why not for ministry?”

By being too flexible, I actually hurt my ability to coach. People canceled at the last minute. They didn’t show. They didn’t take it seriously—because I didn’t have boundaries.

2. Role Boundaries

• I’m a coach—not a therapist. Not a fixer.

• That’s a boundary.

3. Relational Boundaries

• No emotional entanglement.

This includes everything we’ve discussed—oversharing, dependency, or crossing emotional boundaries.

4. Spiritual Boundaries

• Always point to God, not yourself.

“I am not the spiritual answer person. God is.”

🚨 Why Do Ministers Get in Trouble?

Let’s call out the elephant in the room:

We know that many ministers get in trouble.

Even well-meaning ones. And some of you listening right now—you are well-meaning. But through spiritual warfare, you may be tempted to violate boundaries.

💔 Grace Without Truth Is Dangerous

I think it comes from our grace-filled hearts.

We’re in ministry because we’re overwhelmed by God’s grace in our lives. Something happened that drew us to ministry, and now we want to give just as Jesus gave.

But we forget: Jesus wasn’t just grace—He was also truth.

And sometimes, we mistake truth for judgment, so we overcorrect. We lean so far into grace that we lose healthy limits.

🧒 Gentle Parenting and Boundary-Free Ministry

It’s like parenting.

If you let your kids get away with everything, they become monsters. They don’t listen. They’re not happy.

“Gentle parenting and harsh monsters.”

Kids love structure and discipline. So do people in ministry coaching.

💡 Emotional Entanglement Warning

We often fail to recognize our own human frailty.

For example, if you’re a man coaching a woman, and you share deeply—things no one else has ever shared with her—she may become drawn to you.

And if you enjoy it, and your own life or marriage is feeling empty, then it becomes a dangerous emotional connection.

You enjoy the discussion. You like the connection. You feel validated.

⚠️ When Boundaries Get Blurry

All of a sudden, in the guise of helping, you get this emotional-spiritual blend going...

And you ask yourself:

“Is this spiritual? Or is it just my emotions taking over?”

You may not even know. And then, things get out of hand.

🕰️ Generational Tacking: From Avoidance to Vulnerability

As Steve reflected, the pastors who handed down the ministry in the 60s, 70s, and 80s to us were mostly from the World War II generation, or even earlier.

They were so averse to discussing things like sexuality or pain that if someone was struggling, they were told:

“Don’t come to me.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Just get over it.”

So our generation came in—and in many ways, tacked in the opposite direction.

We moved toward being pastoral therapists. And because ministry involves bearing the soul, it gets even deeper than a typical therapist relationship.

Even many therapists—more than you'd think—struggle in this area too, because you’re dealing with deep heart-level things.

📰 Why Ministers Who Fall Make Headlines

When a minister falls, it hits the news. Everyone hears it.

But in truth? We know very few ministers who’ve fallen. Still, we understand why it can happen—because of the intimacy and spirituality inherent in this work.

So now, our generation tacked again—this time, toward:

“How do we find boundaries that safeguard the client and the coach?”
“How do we stay grace-filled and caring without violating truth?”

This is an incredibly important discussion.

🙌 Always Point to God, Not Yourself

“Point to God—not to yourself.”

🧭 When to Refer: Know Your Limits

You’re not meant to take it all on.

That hurting person may come to you, and you might feel:

“I should be the one to help.”

But even that has a boundary. Ask:

• What is your comfort level with trauma?

• Depression?

• Suicidal thoughts?

There’s nothing wrong with saying:
“I’m not ready for this.”
“I’m still learning.”

You are not the coach for all things.
Some of you are just starting—there’s no shame in that.

🌍 The Global Challenge of Referral

But there’s a problem:

“What if I live in a place where I can’t refer anyone to a counselor?”

Most of the world doesn’t have access to a Christian therapist or counselor.

This training is worldwide. And in many contexts, you may be the only hope someone has.

So when we say, “Refer,” we’re not saying “Wash your hands of them like Pilate.”

Sometimes, you have to:

• Bring others into the process

• Form a group

• Create support, so you’re not carrying the burden alone

👥 The Power of Group Transformation

Think about boot camp in the military. It’s:

• 16 weeks of intense training

• Done in a group

• And that’s where transformation happens

Same with Alcoholics Anonymous—people go 4 times a week, not because of a counselor or coach, but because they need:

• Other people who are struggling

• Other people who are helping

🤲 Voluntary Support & Community Resources

Even if professional help is unavailable, you can still guide someone to:

• A church

• A Bible study

• A support group

You don’t have to do it alone.

Sometimes, a community itself is the best therapy.

“Many times, you don’t need a therapist if you can get people into community.”

Isolation is the problem. And churches can be the solution.

🏛️ Church Culture Shift: Training Listeners

If you’re thinking, “My church isn’t that kind of community…”
What if your whole church took this class?

Then:

• You’d have a church filled with listeners

• With people who understand boundaries and coaching

• With elders, deacons, and small group leaders equipped to minister

This course could be a game-changer.

Helping Clients Discern Spirit-Led Next Steps

How do we encourage clients to take action?

In pastoral care, you may walk with someone and offer comfort. But in coaching, there’s a shift toward action.

You still care deeply, but you also ask:

“So what do we want to do about this?”

“What is God asking you to do?”

That question prompts them to take ownership of the step.

🐾 Small, Spirit-Led Steps

“What’s the smallest faithful step you can take?”

Any movement is a big deal.

✅ Keep actions:

• Small

• Specific

• Spirit-led

Example:

Instead of “Be a better parent this week,” say:
“Encourage your son five times and write them down.”

Now it’s measurable, doable, and accountable.

🧘 Don’t Push or Pressure

Avoid:

• Forcing action

• Rushing clarity

• Using guilt or “should” language

“If you were really a good parent, you would…”
“You should be better…”

Even clients may do this to themselves:

“I should be better.”

That leads to shame and paralysis.

Instead say:

“Okay, what would you like to do next week to be a better parent?”

🙏 Coaching with Discernment

• Pray during and between sessions

• Sense peace and resistance

• Ask: “Is there internal conflict here?”

• “Are there elephants in the room?”

Test next steps by the Word of God
If you have an idea—where is it in Scripture?

Discernment is a form of holy listening and wise response.

🛡️ Wrap-Up: Boundaries Are Good

Let’s wrap up.

Boundaries are good.

They are graceful boundaries.

Not rigid law—but structures that support healthy relationships.

From what you eat to what you wear—what you wear is a boundary.

✍️ Reflective Challenge

“Start reflecting on all the possible boundaries in your life—and the positive things they do for you.”

You’ll be surprised at how much goodness flows through healthy, God-honoring boundaries.