Video Transcript: You Are Not the Fixer: Humility in Coaching

Henry - We're back, so now we're going to get into some of the key behaviors that can hurt your coaching or can help your coaching. You are not perfect, sir. Okay, so embracing a posture of humility, yep, release pressure to fix or rescue. Yeah? It's something you may be saying, Oh, I can do that. That's really easy to do, but it is a pressure. Yeah, trust God as the ultimate agent of change, not us, not you, right? And learn to coach with compassion, not control those this is really a big word. They could do a whole class just on this. Okay, so that temptation to fix. 

Steve - Most of us are problem solvers. We like puzzles. We like fixing things. We like bringing order the Rubik's Cube, yep. Especially a lot of men like to fix, you know, whether it's plumbing or whatever it might be, or do it yourself. Do it yourself, you know, look it up on YouTube and do it. And there's a you feel part of it is you really feel good when you fix something, right? You know, you got that drain problem, and then you someone told you to buy this thing, and you didn't know what you're doing, but you did it, and then in the end, it worked well. 

Henry - And most of us, or many of us, were raised with fix it parents, yeah. I mean, parenting itself sort of feels fixing like this. You have a problem. We're here for you. So we, in a sense, raise our children, and we're fixing a lot of problems. We're modeling that a lot of good things happen when you parent or nurture someone, 

Steve - and we expect it right away, oh yeah, your child spills the glass of milk, and we don't wait to the next day to mop it up. Right? We do it right now, right now. Now. We could, you know, we could probably have them do it right now. Which would be a better thing, would be right, like a coaching thing. But my point is, we're motivated to get things fixed, and to get them fixed when we see the problem or we go the other direction. Here's a problem. I don't know what to do about it. I'm in denial about it. I just want to think about it, and I just put it on the back void I avoid. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about so there's plenty of marriages that are we got a problem, but we're not going to think about it or deal with it. We're just going to not deny it, and then it just gets bigger and bigger until, you know, right, like all things falls apart, 

Henry - this creates pressure, pride and burnout, yeah, because in we both experienced that in ministry, where you Help, Help Help Help Help Help, you're trying to fix, fix, fix, fix, but in the end of the day, they're not responsive, and You're doing this, this and that, and in the end, pretty soon, you're like, you know, why did I even go into 

Steve - this? Yeah, and I think part of it is that we tend to think that most problems are not knowing. Problem you just don't know how to talk as husband and wife. So if I as your pastor or helpers coach, if I teach you and show you how to do it, then everything's going to go well. But a lot of things are not a problem of knowledge. They're a problem of attitude. They're a problem of self poor self esteem. They're a problem of well, you didn't encourage me, so why did I encourage you? They're a problem of revenge, their problem all kinds of other issues that are leading to this problem. 

Henry - And what I love about this next statement, real change doesn't come from us. It comes from God. It is showing us that every image bearer belongs to God, not us, yes, and he has a track into their life through the power of the Holy Spirit. Yes, that is is almost mysterious. And if we're thinking that our fixing can change someone, yeah, we're the ones that yeah, set ourselves up for failure 

Steve - or burnout. Yeah, we're being used by the Holy Spirit to help in this situation, but we're helpers on his team. 

Henry - Yeah. Now we mentioned last time Jesus modeled humility, so we'll just briefly go back. He listened, passed, waited. Do you want to be made? Well, we talked about that. He didn't force healing. 

Steve - He invited faith, right? He didn't, do you want me to heal you? Right? There's a weird question in something, yeah, it is. So why? It's kind of weird. Why? Why did he ask it? Because he I'm not doing something to you that you don't want. I'm helping something in a direction that you already want. And a lot of times, I know as a minister. I didn't ask this. No, I want to help you, regardless of whether you want help or not, because I see that your life is going poorly, and I want to fix that, because the Bible says that you could be better. And so let me enter being in your life. 

Henry - And you know, and even too I, you know, we're talking specifically about coaching ministers. But if a minister who is preaching every Sunday is hearing this because they want to kind of get into this methodology, it would even help their sermons to have a little bit more of a who here today wants to be made well with God, yeah, right. I think that would be powerful. 

Steve - No matter what sermon you're doing. You know, whatever your point of your sermon is, you could start off the sermon with, Who here wants more knowledge of God's love so that they can whatever your point of your sermon is, yeah, Who here wants whatever it is application, yeah, whatever the application is. 

Henry - So ministry science is insight. In ministry, science Insights where we look at like psychology, sociology, and then from a Christian worldview, even general psychology and sociology even do make this point. So it's not the only it's from the Christian view. We would say that that a coach is a mirror. This is what would be in life coaching in general, it's not a mechanic. You're not going to fix someone. Reflect truth. Don't try to repair people. Right. Transformation is Spirit led, not coach driven right, or leader driven Yeah, or you know, and again, every word, yes, coaches have a role, but the point being is, and we've seen that with people coming to know Jesus Christ, that we've shared the gospel, we've done it poorly, and then someone responds, we've done it amazingly. And they're not even interested, yeah, we do counseling. We do everything we know, we check every button and they just reject another time we don't even know half what we're saying. You know, sometimes it's true, and then next thing you know, there's transformation coming. So we really have seen, and we testify to all of us that just be there, trust the process like Jesus modeled to us, yeah? Coaching, posture, presence over power. So we're going to drill down. We mentioned that in the previous slide show up with prayerfulness, not posture, instead of pressure. Oh, not pressure. Thank you. Instead of ask, instead of advise, trust God's timing. Let silence be sacred space. I want to talk about that. You know, I think when I was a young minister, we met, we've been around each other for a long time. I had a hard time, like with the pregnant pause, yeah, why do we have a hard time with that? In your mind, you were better at it. I know we were talking mentoring each other on some of these things, but it is true that a lot of us feel challenged to just be still. 

Steve - You know, I think that like you remember when you were in school, let's say you were eight years old, and then the teacher asks a question, and little Johnny Scott, yeah, I know, I know. I think that's part of it, we know. And when someone's just sitting there and they seem to be struggling with what you already know, it's hard not for you to step in. Like, how long are you gonna sit here for 10, 15, 20 seconds silence, when you the question is just bubbling out of you, and you're like stifling it, because part of it is because it feels good to know, right? And the longer they don't know, the more I can, in a way, impress you you didn't know and you couldn't figure out in 30 seconds. But let me tell you, it feels good to tell somebody something that you know and to let someone and then you're quick. Okay? You're a quick person. You right away you're talking to someone. You already know where they're going, right? They only have half a sentence out. You already can guess where they're going because you've seen it before. Yeah, I know this track, yeah, and I know where it's going, and I don't have the patience to wait for you to complete eight sentences when I already know what they all are. So we, we want to get to the point, let's get so we cut them off instead of letting them they're slower than you. That's right. They need way more time to think about this and reflect on it, and so we need to, in humility, go, it's not about me knowing it. Of course, I know it. I should know it. I'm way more experienced than this person. It's no big pat on my back, because how great I am. I have so many advantages that they don't have, right? But I should at least give him a shot at figuring this out himself. 

Henry - You know, in a lot of ways, this would be something even after this presentation, is go to if you're married, go to your spouse, or if you're in the home, talk to your parents or talk to friends and ask them, How do I do at a silence for the no and in get the feedback, I think in a baseline of where you are now, you know you're very good at that. I you know you know what that is a good area of growth for you? No, I think it makes that you know, in some ways, what you're doing is you are modeling the very thing you'll be asking someone to do when you coach them. Because if you're unteachable, and we just give you all these coaching principles thinking, Oh, we could, in fact, make you to a more of a monster if you're already the answer, man, and now you can fake people out by having the coaching methodology, you know. So that's why, in some ways, all of these presentations really are about what do you want? Coaching as a companion, you walk alongside, not ahead, not behind, encourage without taking over, point to Scripture, not self. Pray, don't push. This is interesting as a companion. In a lot of ways, in ministry, coaching, you can vacillate between non directive. But also, there are times when there's a little semi direction going, yeah, when you're close to someone and you get to know them, yeah, you can coach, you know, the the with the advice, or, what is it, the hurts of what is it that there's a passage, the the wounds of a friend can be trusted. Yeah? I mean, there again, we're not getting into when you should point scripture out. We're not getting that later in the sessions. We're gonna talk about it. But as a companion is a true, real thing. 

Steve - Yeah, it's you know, bottom line, you care about the person Yes, and the person knows that, yes, the more you know that I care about you, the more I can be directive, yes, but in the beginning, you don't know that at all. So if I start directing you, and we haven't established that fact that I care about you, then people are resistant. 

Henry - Quotes from Jesus, apart from me, you can do nothing. You're the light of the world. You reflect His light, you don't create it. I think that's a hard one for us to get. Yes. What humility produces safer conversation? Yes. 

Steve - Why? Well, I you know when you're in a relationship where someone's telling you what to do, like we're in a golf tournament right now, and you spent all your time telling me, I hit the ball. I'm not when I take my next shot, it's a not a safe situation, right? If I do something wrong, I'm gonna hear about it. You didn't keep your head down. So I think that with coaching, too, if you're always giving the little directives, then it's not safe, because you're looking for the problems in my life, and I got plenty of them. But if you're more of an encourager, you're walking. How did that feel when you made that mistake? Right? How did that you know, for example, in golf, how did you feel about that swing? What right did you feel? I think I was a little quick. Well, maybe you were, yeah, exactly, you know, now maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but you're giving me the freedom to evaluate myself without feeling too bad about myself. 

Henry - That's, you know, we have to try this all weekend. We're doing this, this taping here while we're also, you know, in the daytime, we're in a golf tournament together and and really what a great topic that we're doing this while we're here together. Yeah? Well, yeah, we'll keep you updated through the whole presentation as we finish them this week. Greater spiritual sensitivity. How come greater spiritual 

Steve - sensitivity? Yeah, I yeah, I guess it's the whole listening. You're listening you're sensitive is when you're aware of someone else, right? When you're not aware of someone else, you're not very sensitive, yeah, Say It Right, right? But when you understand how they you know, I'm trying to help you think about this, not just give you my opinions. I'm caring about you, 

Henry - so I'm drilling down into humility. What are the four or five characteristics of humility? So let's just, you know. Just talk about that. Yeah, you know what comes to mind? Yeah? So now I guess I'll start because I raised the question, yeah? One is to really, if you want to be great, to really have I to be the servant, I mean, to really lower yourself. Yeah, in a relationship like your agenda is not as important as the person you're talking to here in this relationship, yeah? 

Steve - But sometimes, you know, we use that servant one, where I use so great to 

Henry - serve, yeah? But then again, pride, substance, 

Steve - yeah, so which is how we I think humility is that opposite thing, where, you know, my ultimate goal is to make myself feel better. Even though I'm helping you, I'm helping you because it makes me feel good to help you. Oh, well, okay, hold it. 

Henry - No, no. I mean, we're talking, we're going deep here, yeah, the deep here is to let that be real. Yes, that you are second to Jesus Christ. You are second to them. And that is the first posture of humility. 

Steve - I think it's when, in some ways, it's when I do not steal any stage that you could stand on. Wow, that's right, that that I because, because I could, I could slip in and take that stage a minute and, you know, pontificate about what I know about something, or you know, this is what happened to me. And now I give you an incredible killer example of the thing I'm trying to help you with, right? But now I've taken a stage when he had a story he might have been able to tell if it was a little more patient, I just let him tell his No, his story isn't as good as mine, right, right? So there again, I want to steal that stage, because he a lot of times in our in our coaching or our counseling is we have trigger things. They say something that triggers a memory. I help someone just like you, and here's what happened, and I know this is what works, and you are my project now, because they know what to do, yes, yeah, but it triggers my taking the stage rather than yes, your words did trigger me, but I'm resisting taking the I'm not going to tell you about my story. I'm going to let you tell your your story is going to stand out because mine might be one upping yours. I don't want 

Henry - to do that, so the one upman, yeah, to just say I don't need I don't need a better story. I don't need a fixing posture. 

Steve - This coaching session is not about getting my ego stroked. Okay, that's not this session has nothing 

Henry - to do. In fact, I'm not even doing coaching because I'm doing it for ego fulfillment, because the fact is, is that coaching is very can be very frustrating people don't respond, yep, 

Steve - but, but again, because it's not on me if You don't respond, that's on you, right? I I am doing what I can to help you, and you have to have want to help yourself. If you don't want to help yourself, then maybe I can't help you, and I move on, and I don't, you know otherwise, counseling is, oh, you feel bad every you go to bed at night and you didn't change them, and they didn't listen, yeah, and what's the point of this? I read them the scripture, and they just ignored it. Maybe the Bible isn't powerful all those negative thoughts we have about ourselves and our abilities, and then I don't want to do it again. I burn out well. 

Henry - And even another thing that comes to mind is to really humble yourself before the Lord, to let him do the fixing. 

Steve - Yes, and in his time, yes, it's you may never be on the docket to get the credit for anything good. It might be three years from there, you started some ball. And this happened, this happened, and you never find out that this guy did eventually turn his life around, and it was because of something you did. And you'll never hear him 

Henry - really to make room for God to work. Yeah, yeah. So we wrap up this session from control to compassion, reviewing you and I are not the fixer, but you are a faithful companion, a grace mirror, a question 

Steve - asker, I think you know that we didn't mention under the grace mirror, we are not like in the secular coaching. You're just a mirror. Ooh, I'm so glad that you've got right yes, because I just reflect anything that you have or so if you're an atheist, if you hate people, I just reflect that back to you, right. No judgment. I just reflect it back. But we are Grace mirrors. We are. We come from a belief system. We are we are spiritual mirrors. And we don't just if you're, you know, a Hitler type and you want to hurt people. We're not going to just reflect and. Go, well, that's great. What do you see your goals, right? 

Henry - Well, right. Okay, so minister, coaches are a grace mirror. We see broken people who need grace, but their brokenness. This is where Minister coach can point out a pattern of sin that is stymies. But from a humble posture, from a you own this relationship, yes, like you said, it is pretty pathetic. If Hitler had a life coach, 

Steve - he would have done even worse things, perhaps he would have been more effective at so we're not neutral, is my point. We are spiritual mirrors, right? And we will reflect back to you on a spiritual plane. If there's nothing there, then we'll be reflecting that. See, it seems to me like you have no hope, no ultimate hope that you trust, or that you put your trust in, or no ultimate thing that you think, anything that you do on this planet matters or fits into is that correct? Because I'm noticing that there's a spiritual void here, right? And so I'm reflecting your spiritual void to you in a way that you can now see the void, whereas the secular guy would just go, that's great, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter whether you have a spiritual next 

Henry - time, when we get together, we're going to talk about your strategy, yeah, 

Steve - to double down on your atheist, you know. Well, it's 

Henry - interesting to read Hitler's work. I'm kind of thinking about Hitler now. His work is called Mein Kampf, what means my struggle? Yeah, and in this work, is this life coach could have coached him into it, because all this, like, why is this happening? Yeah, who is this? Why is that? So? The reality is, is a minister coach does have a perspective that can bring transformation? Yes. Wow. I don't know how we got into Hitler, but we did, but it's true, and what an opportunity to go deeper into being a minister coach.