📝 Worksheet 7.5: Conflict Conversation and Matthew 18 Next-Step Worksheet
📝 Worksheet 7.5: Conflict Conversation and Matthew 18 Next-Step Worksheet
Purpose
This worksheet helps Church Community Chaplains respond wisely when someone is upset with a pastor, elder, deacon, ministry leader, volunteer, family member, or another church member.
The goal is to help chaplains avoid gossip, refuse back-channel communication, encourage direct communication when safe and appropriate, and recognize when a concern requires escalation rather than private confrontation.
A Church Community Chaplain serves with delegated trust, not independent authority.
Scripture Reflection
Read the following passages slowly.
“If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother.”
Matthew 18:15, WEB
“But speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him, who is the head, Christ.”
Ephesians 4:15, WEB
“If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.”
Romans 12:18, WEB
“He who pleads his cause first seems right; until another comes and questions him.”
Proverbs 18:17, WEB
Reflection Questions
What does Matthew 18:15 teach about direct communication?
Why must truth and love stay together in conflict?
What does Romans 12:18 teach about peace and personal responsibility?
How does Proverbs 18:17 help a chaplain stay humble when hearing one side of a conflict?
Personal Discernment
When someone comes to you upset about another person, what is your first instinct?
Check any that apply:
☐ I want to agree quickly so they feel supported.
☐ I want to correct them immediately.
☐ I want to tell the leader right away.
☐ I want to avoid the conversation.
☐ I feel tempted to take sides.
☐ I feel honored that they trusted me.
☐ I want to fix the problem for them.
☐ I feel anxious when people are angry.
☐ I want to pray before saying anything.
☐ I can listen, slow down, clarify, and stay within my role.
Personal Reflection
Which instincts could help you serve well?
Which instincts could pull you into triangulation?
What emotional pressure do you feel when someone wants you to take their side?
What phrase can help you stay warm but role-clear?
Conflict Discernment Grid
Use this grid when someone brings a conflict concern.
| Question | Notes |
|---|---|
| What exactly happened? | |
| What does the person feel? | |
| What interpretation are they making? | |
| Who is directly involved? | |
| Who actually needs to hear this? | |
| Is the person asking me to carry the message? | |
| Is this a safe situation for direct communication? | |
| Is there abuse, coercion, threat, or danger? | |
| Is this ordinary conflict, serious misconduct, or safety concern? | |
| What church policy or leader may need to be involved? | |
| What is the next faithful step? |
Facts, Feelings, and Interpretations Practice
Rewrite each concern by separating fact, feeling, and interpretation.
1. Statement
“The pastor does not care about us.”
Fact: ___________________________________________________
Feeling: ________________________________________________
Interpretation: __________________________________________
Possible faithful statement:
2. Statement
“The elders are controlling everything.”
Fact: ___________________________________________________
Feeling: ________________________________________________
Interpretation: __________________________________________
Possible faithful statement:
3. Statement
“The deacons embarrassed us when we asked for help.”
Fact: ___________________________________________________
Feeling: ________________________________________________
Interpretation: __________________________________________
Possible faithful statement:
4. Statement
“No one in this church notices me.”
Fact: ___________________________________________________
Feeling: ________________________________________________
Interpretation: __________________________________________
Possible faithful statement:
Matthew 18 Next-Step Check
Mark the best first step.
1. A volunteer feels hurt because a ministry leader corrected them sharply in front of others.
☐ Carry the complaint to the pastor anonymously.
☐ Encourage the volunteer to gossip with others.
☐ Help the volunteer prepare for a direct, respectful conversation if safe and appropriate.
☐ Tell the volunteer to forget it.
Best response: __________________________________________
Why? __________________________________________________
2. A woman reports domestic violence and says she is afraid to go home.
☐ Tell her Matthew 18 means she must confront her spouse privately.
☐ Keep it quiet for the sake of unity.
☐ Involve proper safety support immediately.
☐ Tell her to forgive and move on.
Best response: __________________________________________
Why? __________________________________________________
3. A member says, “Tell the elders people are angry, but don’t use my name.”
☐ Carry the message anonymously.
☐ Refuse the back-channel and help the member prepare for direct communication.
☐ Tell several leaders that “people are upset.”
☐ Post a general warning online.
Best response: __________________________________________
Why? __________________________________________________
4. A teen says an adult volunteer has been sending inappropriate messages.
☐ Tell the teen to confront the volunteer privately.
☐ Follow child protection and reporting policy immediately.
☐ Keep it confidential unless it happens again.
☐ Ask around to see if others have heard anything.
Best response: __________________________________________
Why? __________________________________________________
5. A member is upset about a schedule change and wants to talk to the pastor.
☐ Help them clarify their concern and prepare a respectful conversation.
☐ Tell them leaders should never be questioned.
☐ Carry the concern secretly.
☐ Tell them to gather other upset people first.
Best response: __________________________________________
Why? __________________________________________________
Direct Communication Practice
Complete the phrases.
When someone feels hurt:
“I hear that this affected you. What would you want __________________________ to understand?”
When someone wants you to carry the message:
“I cannot be a __________________________, but I can help you prepare for a direct and respectful conversation.”
When someone is angry:
“I hear the pain. Let’s name the concern without __________________________.”
When someone is afraid:
“I understand why this feels hard. Would it help to __________________________ before you reach out?”
When safety may be involved:
“Before we encourage direct communication, we need to ask whether this is __________________________.”
Sample Conversation Builder
Use this form to help someone prepare for a direct conversation.
Person I need to speak with: _______________________________
The concern I want to bring:
What happened, as clearly as I can state it:
How it affected me:
What I may be assuming:
What I want to ask or request:
A humble first sentence I could use:
A Scripture or prayer that could prepare my heart:
What Not to Say
Rewrite each unhelpful phrase into a wiser chaplain response.
1. Unhelpful phrase
“You are right. The pastor always does this.”
Wiser response:
2. Unhelpful phrase
“I will tell the elders, but I will not use your name.”
Wiser response:
3. Unhelpful phrase
“You should not question church leaders.”
Wiser response:
4. Unhelpful phrase
“Just confront them. Matthew 18 says you have to.”
Wiser response:
5. Unhelpful phrase
“Let’s keep this quiet for unity.”
Wiser response:
Referral and Escalation Check
Mark any concern that requires proper escalation or support beyond ordinary direct communication.
☐ Abuse disclosure
☐ Domestic violence
☐ Danger to a minor
☐ Danger to a vulnerable adult
☐ Threats of violence
☐ Coercion
☐ Predatory behavior
☐ Serious intimidation
☐ Suicidal language
☐ Self-harm concern
☐ Serious misconduct
☐ Credible threat against church members, leaders, or gatherings
☐ Ordinary misunderstanding
☐ Minor scheduling disagreement
☐ Personal disappointment with no safety concern
Who should be involved?
☐ Pastor
☐ Elder
☐ Deacon
☐ Care team leader
☐ Child protection coordinator
☐ Emergency services
☐ Counselor or trained professional
☐ Protective services
☐ Other: ______________________________________________
Minimum necessary information to share:
What should not be shared?
Sample Phrase Practice
Practice these phrases out loud.
“I care about this, but I cannot become a back-channel.”
“What would you want the person to understand?”
“Could we separate what happened from what you think it meant?”
“What would a humble first sentence sound like?”
“Would it be okay if we prayed for wisdom and courage?”
“Before we encourage direct conversation, we need to ask whether this is safe.”
“This is beyond what I should carry alone.”
“We need to involve the right help.”
“I do not want to assume I know the whole story.”
“Let’s think about the next faithful step.”
Which three phrases feel most natural to you?
Which three phrases do you need to practice more?
Next Faithful Step
Write one action you will take this week to strengthen wise conflict care.
Examples:
Practice separating facts, feelings, and interpretations.
Ask your pastor how conflict concerns should be handled.
Review the church’s child protection or safety policy.
Practice saying, “I cannot be a back-channel.”
Learn who handles elder or deacon concerns.
Pray for humility and courage in direct communication.
Write out a respectful first sentence for a hard conversation.
Ask what situations require immediate escalation.
My next faithful step:
Closing Prayer
Lord Jesus Christ, Head of the Church, teach me to serve your body with truth and love. Give me humility when I hear conflict, courage to refuse gossip, wisdom to encourage direct communication, and discernment to know when safety requires escalation. Keep me from becoming a judge, back-channel, hidden advocate, or complaint carrier. Help me protect dignity, honor proper leadership, and strengthen peace without pretending pain is not real. Make me a faithful servant of reconciliation, clarity, and care. Amen.