📝 Worksheet 6.5: The Twelve Aspects Discernment Practice

Topic 6 helps couples practice whole-marriage discernment so they can slow down, name hidden layers, and make wise decisions together instead of reducing every conflict to one issue.

Purpose of This Worksheet

This worksheet helps you take a real or common marriage conflict and look at it through the Twelve Aspects of Together Discernment.

The goal is not to prove who is right.

The goal is to see more clearly, tell the truth with grace, take responsibility, and choose one faithful next step.

Part 1: Name the Surface Issue

Choose one marriage situation to reflect on.

It may be real, remembered, imagined, or based on a couple you might serve in ministry.

Examples:

Money

Sexual intimacy

Household chores

Parenting

In-laws

Work schedule

Phones or technology

Church involvement

Emotional distance

A repeated argument

Write the surface issue here:

The issue we are discerning is:

Part 2: Slow Down Before Explaining

Before analyzing the issue, pause.

Take one minute and pray:

Lord, help me see clearly.
Help me listen before I judge.
Help me tell the truth without cruelty.
Help me receive truth without defensiveness.
Amen.

Now answer:

What was my first reaction?

What story did I tell myself?

Example:
“He does not care.”
“She is trying to control me.”
“I am alone in this.”
“I can never do enough.”

What else might be going on?

Part 3: Use the Twelve Aspects

For each aspect, write one or two honest observations.

Do not force an answer. Some aspects may be more important than others.

1. Spiritual Aspect

Ask:

Have we prayed about this?
Are we listening to Scripture?
Is there conviction, repentance, forgiveness, or spiritual avoidance involved?
Are we using spiritual language in a healthy way or a controlling way?

Notes:

2. Covenant Aspect

Ask:

Are we acting like one flesh?
Are we protecting our vows?
Are we treating each other like covenant partners or opponents?
Is anything weakening trust or shared life?

Notes:

3. Bodily Aspect

Ask:

Are sleep, hunger, stress, hormones, illness, pain, aging, sexual frustration, addiction, medication, or exhaustion affecting this issue?
Are we trying to solve a serious problem while physically overwhelmed?

Notes:

4. Emotional Aspect

Ask:

What feelings are active?
Is there anger, fear, sadness, shame, loneliness, rejection, disappointment, jealousy, or grief?
What tender thing may be underneath the strong reaction?

Notes:

5. Communication Aspect

Ask:

How are we speaking?
Are we interrupting, assuming, exaggerating, using sarcasm, withdrawing, or becoming defensive?
Are we listening to understand or listening to answer?

Notes:

6. Habitual Aspect

Ask:

Have we been here before?
What pattern keeps repeating?
Does one pursue while the other withdraws?
Does one criticize while the other defends?
Do we repair, or do we only move on?

Notes:

7. Practical Aspect

Ask:

Is there a practical plan missing?
Do we need a schedule, chore plan, budget meeting, phone boundary, childcare plan, rest rhythm, or clearer responsibility?

Notes:

8. Financial Aspect

Ask:

Is money involved directly or indirectly?
Is there fear, secrecy, debt, control, generosity, spending, saving, or different definitions of security?

Notes:

9. Family-System Aspect

Ask:

What did each spouse learn from family background?
How did our families handle conflict, money, affection, chores, faith, anger, or boundaries?
Are parents, in-laws, or old family patterns shaping this issue?

Notes:

10. Relational Aspect

Ask:

Who else is influencing us?
Are friends, coworkers, social media, church community, private messages, entertainment, or comparison shaping our attitude?
Are outside voices helping or weakening covenant faithfulness?

Notes:

11. Moral and Safety Aspect

Ask:

Is there sin that must be named clearly?
Is there lying, cruelty, coercion, sexual pressure, intimidation, manipulation, addiction, betrayal, violence, or spiritual control?
Is anyone unsafe?

Notes:

Important: If abuse, coercion, threats, addiction, violence, sexual pressure, serious betrayal, or ongoing destructive behavior is present, this worksheet is not enough. Wise outside help is needed. This may include pastoral care, counseling, legal protection, emergency services, addiction recovery support, or trusted Christian leaders trained in safety and accountability.

12. Mission and Witness Aspect

Ask:

What kind of home are we building?
What are children, family members, church members, or others learning from this pattern?
How does this issue affect hospitality, discipleship, service, calling, and witness?

Notes:

Part 4: Choose the Three Most Important Aspects

Looking back over your answers, circle or list the three aspects that seem most important right now.

Aspect 1:

Aspect 2:

Aspect 3:

Why do these three matter most?

Part 5: Name Personal Responsibility

Each spouse should answer for himself or herself.

Do not begin with what the other person must own.

Begin here:

What do I need to own?

Examples:

I used a harsh tone.
I avoided the conversation.
I assumed the worst.
I became controlling.
I withdrew instead of listening.
I made a promise and did not keep it.
I used sarcasm to protect my hurt.
I let outside voices shape my attitude.

My responsibility:

Part 6: Name What Needs Grace and What Needs Truth

What needs grace?

Where is there pain, fear, weakness, exhaustion, shame, grief, or a wound that needs compassion?

What needs truth?

Where is there sin, avoidance, immaturity, secrecy, harm, irresponsibility, or a pattern that must be named clearly?

Part 7: Choose One Faithful Next Step

Do not try to fix everything at once.

Choose one next step.

Examples:

Apologize specifically.
Pray together.
Schedule a household meeting.
Create a chore plan.
Set a boundary with family.
Talk honestly about money.
Pause and return to the conversation later.
Seek pastoral care or counseling.
Tell the truth about a hidden issue.
Ask for forgiveness.
Make a safety plan if needed.

Our one faithful next step is:

When will we take this step?

Who needs to be involved, if anyone?

Part 8: Covenant Prayer

Pray this slowly:

Lord Jesus,
help us see the whole truth before you.
Keep us from shallow answers, quick blame, and hidden pride.
Teach us to listen with humility, speak with grace, and repent with courage.
Show us what needs compassion.
Show us what needs correction.
Protect our covenant from harm, secrecy, contempt, and fear.
Guide us into one faithful next step.
Amen.

Final Reflection

In one paragraph, answer this question:

How did slowing down and using the Twelve Aspects help you see this issue differently?