Transcript & Slides: Money and Marriage

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Money and Marriage
By David Feddes

Tom and Jenny's marriage fell apart over money. At their wedding, they vowed to stay together till “death do us part,” but it turned out to be “till debt do us part.” Tom and Jenny got so far into debt and argued so much about money that they couldn't stand being together anymore.

At the time they were married, they were impressed with each other. Tom drove a flashy SUV, and Jenny always looked stylish in the latest fashions. Their giant screen TV and sound system were top-of-the-line. Several times a week they enjoyed eating in first-rate restaurants. Their vacations during the first few years of the marriage were fabulous, sparing no expense. They moved into a beautiful home that was the envy of their friends.

But there was a problem. Tom and Jenny's lavish living was purchased through payment plans and credit cards. The bills kept piling up, and after a while, they couldn't meet expenses. They kept adding to their debts through more spending, and interest charges made their debts grow even faster.

Whenever one of them spent money on something, the other would complain, and they'd have a nasty argument. Each was eager to point out what was wrong with the other's financial decisions, but neither changed their own behavior very much. Finally, they gave up on each other and decided that the only way to stop fighting was to go their separate ways. The divorce was expensive and made their financial problems even worse, but at least they were rid of each other.

Stories like this are common. Married couples argue more over money than almost any other subject. Money can become a wedge that drives people further and further apart.

In some cases, both partners are big spenders, and they think their own spending is okay while their spouse's spending is awful. David yells at his wife Amy when she comes home from the store after another shopping spree with more clothes and shoes that she doesn't need. How can she be so stupid again and again and again?

David doesn't go on spending binges every week or two like Amy does, and he's proud of it. He only buys something once in a while. Oh, but when he does, watch out—it costs more than all his wife's purchases put together. David buys a shiny new car that is fancier than he needs and costs twice as much as he can afford, or he purchases a new boat without Amy's agreement. He thinks he's far wiser with money than she is, and his wish list is in fact shorter than her wish list, but his price tag is a lot higher.

Not all arguments over money involve two big spenders. In some cases, only one marriage partner likes to spend, while the other is extremely tight with money. They fight over every spending decision. If the miser is dominant and is a control freak about every penny, the other partner feels deprived and despised. If the spender is dominant, that person may run up big bills without letting the other partner even know what's going on. When the spouse finds out, there's an explosion, and trust is blown away.

Sometimes money can become a wedge even when there's not much bickering. James and Nancy get married, and they don't have much money. Their first few years, they can't afford much, but they don't mind. They have each other. They're happy together. They manage their limited funds carefully, and they're able to make ends meet.

After a few years, money is no longer in short supply. Business booms. James works more hours and gets wrapped up in his success. He's home less and less. Meanwhile, Nancy gets caught up in getting the grandest house, the fanciest furniture, the finest clothes, and the most elite, expensive music and sports programs for their children.

James and Nancy don't argue much over money. They can afford whatever they want. The problem is that they've changed over the years. Now they care more about wealth and status than about their relationship. The delight that they once had in each other when they were younger and poorer is now gone. They may keep going in a marriage where money matters more than love, or one of them may eventually decide to dump their spouse for someone more exciting.

There are a lot of different ways to fight over finances. You can do it till “debt do us part,” where both of you have run up big debts and the arguments over money get worse and worse. It can happen when each spouse is spending big on themselves and resenting what the other person is spending. It can happen when one’s a miser and the other's a spender, and they're constantly clashing over whether to spend or whether to save. And sometimes it can just happen when your finances are flourishing but your love is languishing.

There are a lot of different ways to fight over finances, and this can have a very negative effect on marriage. In fact, fighting over finances is one of the most common marriage wreckers.

Here are a few of the most common marriage wreckers that I come across:

One is using too much alcohol and drugs and getting into drunkenness or addiction. In one church I served, every marriage that had trouble that I dealt with in that particular church had an alcohol or drug problem somewhere.

Another marriage wrecker is, of course, sexual unfaithfulness and the breaking of promises. This can happen when one or the other spouse gets involved in pornography or when one is having an extramarital affair and running off with someone besides their own spouse. Sexual unfaithfulness is, of course, one of the most serious marriage wreckers (Hebrews 13:4).

Another is abuse—physical abuse where one is tearing the other down with words or with physical violence (Ephesians 4:29–32; Colossians 3:19).

And then there are problems with money. Sometimes several of these things are happening in the same troubled marriage, but problems with money are one of the prominent marriage wreckers along with these other things (1 Timothy 6:10; Proverbs 15:27).

So as we talk about financial fitness, I do want to talk about money and marriage. Money can indeed become a wedge that drives husband and wife apart, and it can happen many different ways. But it doesn't have to be that way. Money matters don't have to have a negative effect on marriage—they can have a positive effect.

Believe it or not, money matters can be opportunities for a husband and wife to understand each other better, to work together more closely, and to strengthen their unity. Just as using money for God can help draw you closer to God, so using money with your spouse in mind can help you develop a more fruitful partnership with your spouse.

If you need help getting on the right track with money and marriage, the Bible book of Proverbs offers excellent guidance from God.

The first piece of guidance is this: start with God. Begin with the Lord. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10). The fear of the Lord is standing in awe of God, finding God greater than anyone else by far, taking God more seriously than you take anything or anybody else. That's the place to begin.

Even before you think about, “How can I improve my marriage? What could we do to strengthen our finances?” think about God, because God is the key to your finances, to your marriage, and everything else in your life. And as you look ahead, the book of Proverbs says, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed” (Proverbs 16:3). “There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord” (Proverbs 21:30).

So if you're trying to figure out how to have a great marriage and great finances and leave God out of the equation, you've missed the most important person in your finances and in your marriage. Without God, you're sure to fail. With God, you're sure to succeed. So get in tune with God. Put him first.

I remember meeting with two different married couples who told me similar stories. Both couples began their marriage without Christ in their lives. They weren’t Christians. They cared mostly about making themselves happy. One husband said he was just a selfish pig, and the other husband described himself pretty much the same way—and their wives weren’t much better.

With so much selfishness, both marriages became painfully unhappy. The arguments got worse and worse. But just when it looked like their marriages were doomed, these couples were introduced to Jesus Christ. They repented of their sin and their selfishness. They trusted Jesus’ blood to pay for their forgiveness, and they committed their lives to Christ.

And amazing things began to happen. As husband and wife grew closer to Christ, they grew closer to each other. As they lived by the Bible, they fought less and less, and they loved each other more and more. Now, after several years of living close to Christ, their marriages and their families are flourishing like never before. It was a thrill for me to hear their stories.

They know from experience that Jesus not only saves souls for heaven, but transforms lives and marriages here on earth. What a difference between life without Christ and life devoted to Christ.

The Bible says, “The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the upright” (Proverbs 3:33). “The house of the righteous contains great treasure, but the income of the wicked brings them trouble” (Proverbs 15:6). “The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it” (Proverbs 10:22).

So if you're thinking about money and marriage, you want to be living under the Lord's blessing. Because the Lord blesses the home of the upright, of the righteous. And with them comes his blessing and his treasures—and he doesn’t pile a bunch of trouble on top of that.

Satan likes to use money as a wedge to drive a husband and wife apart. But if you trust and love God, he makes money a blessing for you without making it a cause of trouble.

Are you in tune with God? Have you put your faith in Jesus? Do you count on his death and resurrection as the source of your forgiveness and eternal life? Does his Holy Spirit live inside you? Do you seek daily guidance from God in the Bible?

If not, then give your life to Christ right now. Make God the foundation for your marriage, your finances, and for everything else.

If you and your spouse have troubles in your money and in your marriage, you might think that you need a financial advisor or a marriage counselor. And you might. Expert advice might help in some cases. But that's not the first thing you need.

If I could give just one piece of advice, here's what I would say: read God's Word aloud together as husband and wife every day, and pray aloud for each other every day.

Now that may sound simple. It may sound as though it would have nothing to do with settling disputes with your spouse or dealing with money problems. But spending time together with God each day will change your life in many ways you wouldn't expect. Jesus says to “seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).

So get together daily as husband and wife. Listen to God together in Bible reading, and talk to God together in prayer. You will have the supreme joy of getting closer to God, and as a byproduct of seeking God together, you'll see more improvement in your marriage and your finances than you could ever achieve by just trying to fix those things directly.

Knowing God is the beginning of salvation and eternal life, and knowing God is the beginning of wisdom to make the most of everyday life. Walking with God is spiritual, but it's also practical. When you know God and keep seeking to know him better each day, you can seek his wisdom in practical details.

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures” (Proverbs 24:3–4). So wisdom is spiritual, but it’s also practical in building up a family, a home, a house.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Aren’t those encouraging words? He gives generously to all without finding fault.

If your marriage is troubled and has lots of problems, and you go to God for wisdom, he gives without finding fault. He could say, “Well, you blew it. It’s over. You wrecked everything.” But if you ask for his wisdom, he’ll give it to you.

When you ask, if you’ve made a shambles of your finances, ask God and say, “God, if I blew it, please show me where I blew it, and show me your wisdom for being better in handling money.” God doesn’t find fault. He forgives and then gives generously.

He knows that we need wisdom from him or we won’t be able to do it. But when you ask, don’t try to manipulate God. You can’t use God as a cash machine or as a genie who exists to satisfy your own selfish desires.

If you have problems with money and marriage, don’t just pray for more money or for your spouse to see things your way. Pray for God’s wisdom to deal with things God’s way. Otherwise, your prayers won’t help.

James says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it” (James 4:1–2). Isn’t that the main cause of marriage conflict? If you boil it right down, you want something and you’re not getting it.

“You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2). So that’s the first problem. A lot of the time we’re just not asking God in the first place. But secondly, “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:3).

If your only reason to ask for wisdom from God is so that you’ll have extra cash to buy the stuff you want, just forget about asking. You’re not going to get it because God wants you to really seek him first and then seek his wisdom—for relating to him, for relating to other people, for living in his truth and in his wisdom. And as he does that, he will also give you wisdom to deal with finances.

But if all you want is wisdom enough to spend a lot on your pleasures, then pack it in. You’re going to have fewer pleasures and more fights because you’re always just going to have these desires and you’re not really seeking God. So seek God and then ask for his wisdom with right motives.

Instead of selfishly urging God to grant your wishes, ask God to give you his wisdom—and he promises to do so. God can provide you with wisdom in a variety of ways, but his favorite way to communicate wisdom and our best place to find his wisdom is the Holy Bible.

We can consult fellow Christians. We can consult other people with expertise. But we would be making a huge mistake if we weren’t consulting the written Word of God himself—the Bible.

So let’s look at some practical wisdom from Proverbs regarding marriage and money.

One piece of wisdom is this: value your spouse more than you value money.

Proverbs says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Look on your spouse as a tremendous blessing from God and treasure that blessing.

“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14). Look at your spouse as God’s precious gift to you.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). So treasure her, husband. Never take your wife for granted. And wife, never take your husband for granted. Don’t let any financial difficulties or financial opportunities crowd out your love. Treasure your spouse more than you treasure all the money in the world.

By the way, here’s a big benefit of reading the Bible and praying together every day as a couple. When you pray aloud for each other and thank God aloud for each other, each of you senses how much you’re treasured by the other. So when you put God first and have devotions together, then valuing each other is also expressed, and you sense more and more of that.

It’s important for a husband and a wife to cherish each other and to keep on cherishing each other, even in the face of financial difficulties and differences. If each of you feels loved and treasured by the other, and if you talk daily about God’s Word, then you won’t feel so threatened when it’s time to talk about God’s will for your finances.

You’ll both feel secure that you’re loved, even if you’ve made financial blunders, and you’ll feel more able to admit your weakness and seek ways to improve. If you sense that your spouse doesn’t respect you or cherish you or prize you more than money, then it’s going to be a very, very difficult conversation about money. But if you know that you’re treasured, then you know that you’re accepted, and you can be honest about financial matters.

If you drift from God and you drift from each other, it’s tempting to put money ahead of the marriage and to care more about finances than about your spouse’s feelings. If that happens, the result is misery. When the two of you constantly argue about money and you seldom express your love, you won’t solve any financial problems—you’ll just make each other more miserable.

The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). “Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).

So be considerate. Express love, not harshness. Knowing that, though you’re physically stronger and able to push your way through sometimes, your wife is an heir with you of the gift of life. And if you want God to listen to your prayers, then you listen to your wife and be considerate.

If a husband loses his temper and yells at his wife about money, he doesn’t help their finances. He just harms the marriage and weakens their love. At the same time, if a wife doesn’t respect her husband, and if she keeps nagging him over money, she doesn’t help him. She just makes him wish he could escape or find some way to silence her nagging.

Proverbs says, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9). “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife” (Proverbs 21:19). “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand” (Proverbs 27:15–16).

And of course, that’s not just true of nagging wives. It’s also true of browbeating husbands or nagging husbands. We’ve got to avoid the lack of being considerate and kind. We’ve also got to avoid just nagging and picking and bothering.

Choose harmony above prosperity, because you’ve got to choose what matters most. “Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil” (Proverbs 15:16). “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred” (Proverbs 15:17). “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife” (Proverbs 17:1).

So keep it in perspective. Value your spouse above money. Value peace and harmony above prosperity. Because it’s worth a lot more to be at peace with each other than to be rich but in strife. In other words, even if bickering could improve your financial situation—which it probably won’t—it could make you far less happy than you’d be if you had less prosperity and more harmony, less money and more unity.

So value your spouse more than money, and then make financial decisions in a way that strengthens your relationship. Money doesn’t have to pull marriage partners apart. Your partnership can grow closer and more fulfilling as you deal with money together.

The key to such blessing is to make informed decisions—decisions informed by God’s wisdom, informed by your spouse’s wisdom, and informed by the wisdom of those with long experience and special expertise in dealing with money.

The Bible says, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 26:12).

People who think they never need advice are fools, because we all do. Anyone who’s wise in his own eyes is in worse shape than somebody who doesn’t know very much but at least knows that he doesn’t know very much. So we want to make informed decisions. That means listening to advice.

Most fights over money don’t accomplish much because both people are sure they’re right and they won’t budge. But if both of you are eager to learn from each other—if each of you trusts that your spouse is the special advisor and confidant that God chose for you—then your love and your respect grow with every decision that you make together.

God makes the husband the leader in the relationship, so the wife should respect him and honor his direction (Ephesians 5:23). But God also makes the wife her husband’s chief helper and adviser (Genesis 2:18), so a wise husband will be eager to learn from his wife’s wisdom, and he’ll never make a major decision about family finances without consulting her.

He should be considerate of her because he loves her (1 Peter 3:7), and he should also seek her counsel simply because it helps him make smarter decisions. He needs her advice. In fact, even though he’s the leader, he won’t feel that he has to make every decision himself. When a godly husband and wife work as a team, the wife can make many significant financial decisions knowing what her husband wants and happy that he has full confidence in her. He doesn’t have to run everything because he trusts her.

So what we need here is trust and transparency.

When it speaks about a wife of noble character, the book of Proverbs says, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value” (Proverbs 31:11). Let me highlight a few things.

First, trust each other. Don’t micromanage. Don’t think that you have to dictate the other person’s every action and decision. Have some trust. But at the same time, tell each other what’s going on. Don’t keep secrets. Don’t feel like you can just go off and spend money the way you want and not even tell the other person about it because you’re a little embarrassed about how you’re spending it, or you’re thinking that they wouldn’t like how you spent it.

If you’re feeling that way, then you really do need to tell each other and build more trust—because trust grows with transparency.

And think of all the money in your household and in your marriage as our money and God’s money, not as my money. It can be a big mistake to treat money as your own when you’re married, to be handled as you see fit and not as we see fit. As a married couple, you’re not merely separate individuals. You’re not your own person. You belong to God. You belong to each other. And your financial decision-making has to reflect that reality (1 Corinthians 7:4).

When a wife says, “I can buy what I want with the money I earned in my part-time job,” she’s wrong. When a husband says, “I can buy a boat without discussing it with my wife. I earned the money without her,” he’s wrong.

Own everything together. Decide things together. Face challenges together. Enjoy success together. Do it all together.

Part of informed decision-making is setting aside time to talk together. Make a spending plan—a budget that matches your priorities as a couple and God’s calling for you. An agreed-upon spending plan—that’s what a budget is—is a way to make informed decisions, not decisions based on immediate impulse.

Careful, informed, cooperative planning will help you to appreciate each other’s insights, and it will improve your financial outlook. “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty” (Proverbs 21:5).

Apply that to money and marriage. It means you should discuss and budget. Don’t just spend on impulse whenever you feel like it or something catches your fancy. The plans of the diligent lead to profit. Haste—impulse decisions, impulse buying—leads to trouble.

And follow a plan. Don’t just react to problems and pressure. There’s impulse buying, where you buy something just because you want it, want it, want it. But there’s also a way of handling finances where you don’t deal with anything until you see a huge bill or until panic and problems and pressure are there—and then all of a sudden you’re going to do something.

No. Do it when your head is clear, when your emotions are steady. Think about it not just when the problems and pressure are on, but when you really have a clear head. And then you can make plans together that lead to profit, rather than those hasty kinds of decisions that lead to poverty.

Planning together and sticking to your plan helps you to avoid impulse buying and hasty decisions under pressure. Informed decision-making lessens the stress on your relationship, and it helps you to grow into a beautiful unity that’s spiritual, emotional, physical—and downright practical as well.

If you haven’t been handling marriage and money God’s way and you’re in deep trouble, don’t think it’s too late. Satan wants you to give up, but don’t. There’s no better time than right now to change.

When you think then of money and marriage, the first thing—if you’ve got troubles—is think about whether you’ve done something wrong, even sinful. And if you have—whether it’s been bad misuse of money or bad treatment of your spouse—repent of that sin. Ask God to forgive you. Put that in the past and get out of your rut.

The next thing: put God first. And when you put God first, do that in the context of being a couple and a family. Pray together and listen to the Bible together, so that God’s Word is helping to direct you.

Then get your priorities straight. Value your spouse more than money. Always make sure that you don’t forget that person you loved and married, and start thinking more about dollars.

Seek harmony over prosperity. Maybe prosperity will come, but always put harmony first.

Make informed decisions. Take your spouse as the best advisor God has given you, who knows you the best. And then, if you need to, seek others who are very knowledgeable about finance and money. And if both of you have trouble with financial decision-making, find somebody else who’s a great adviser—a friend, or maybe even a professional who’s into financial planning—and accept advice.

And then plan together with your spouse. Budget together with trust and with transparency.

  

Money and Marriage
By David Feddes
Slide Contents

Fighting over finances

• Till debt do us part.
• Each spouse spends big on self.
• Clash of a spender and a miser.
• Finance flourishes; love languishes.

Marriage wreckers

• Using too much alcohol/drugs
• Sexual unfaithfulness and breaking of promises
• Physical and verbal abuse
• Problems with money

Begin with God

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. (Proverbs 1:7)

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. (21:30)

Home of blessing

The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the upright. (Proverbs 3:33)

The house of the righteous contains great treasures, but the income of the wicked brings them trouble (Proverbs 15:6).

The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it. (10:22)

Spiritual and practical

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasure. (Proverbs 24:3-4)

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)

Fights and quarrels

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it… You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 4:2-3)

Value spouse over money

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. (18:22) Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. (19:14)

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. (31:10)

Considerate, not harsh

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19).

Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)

Negative nagging

Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife… Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife… A nagging wife is like water going drip-drip-drip on a rainy day. How can you keep her quiet? Have you ever tried to stop the wind or ever tried to hold a handful of oil? (21:9,19; 27:15-16 TEV).

Harmony above prosperity

Better to be poor and fear the Lord than to be rich and in trouble. Better to eat vegetables with people you love than to eat the finest meat where there is hate… Better to eat a dry crust of bread with peace of mind than have a banquet in a house full of trouble. (15:16,17; 17:1 TEV)

Informed decisions

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (12:15)

Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. (15:22)

Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. (26:12)

Trust and transparency

Her husband has full confidence in her 
and lacks nothing of value. (31:11)

• Trust each other; don’t micromanage.
• Tell each other; don’t keep secrets.
• Think of money as ours and God’s, not as mine.

Plan together

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty. (21:5).

• Discuss and budget; don’t just spend on impulse.
• Follow a plan; don’t just react to problems and pressure.

Money and marriage

• Repent of sin and ask forgiveness.
• Put God first. Pray together.
• Value your spouse more than money. Seek harmony over prosperity.
• Make informed decisions. Accept advice.
• Plan and budget together with trust and transparency.