Transcript & Slides: Overcoming Child Abuse

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Overcoming Child Abuse
By David Feddes

Child abuse isn't a pleasant subject to talk about, and it's one that I wish I didn't have to talk about when it comes to people in the church. But I know from personal experience that child abuse can infect even the church. I served a church in which there was one elder who was abusing his wife. Another elder was a Christian school teacher who also happened to be raping little girls at the school where he was teaching. Another elder was sexually molesting his own daughter. And another elder was severely beating his children—or had been. They were now adult girls with many problems, and people wondered why those rebellious girls were so bad when they had such a fine and godly elder as a father. But there were at least four elders in that church that I served who were involved in various kinds of terrible abuse. So I know not just from reading the news about other churches somewhere else or about other denominations, but in a church that I served as a young man that had such serious problems right within the church leadership.

When we consider those who are abusers, one of the worst forms of it is those who are abusing the authority that they have. Ezekiel chapter 34 has God speaking to the shepherds. In this case, the shepherds are the prophets and the priests and the kings of Israel. God says, "Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You have ruled them harshly and brutally." This is what the Sovereign Lord says: "I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them. I myself will search for my sheep and look after them" (Ezekiel 34:2,10–11). God promises to look after His vulnerable sheep Himself. And though this passage is speaking to Israel and to its prophets, priests, and kings, it also speaks to others who have authority. It speaks to those in our own time who are pastors, who have people in their sphere of authority; who are parents and have children in their sphere of authority; who are teachers or doctors who hold a respected position of authority; or coaches or scout group leaders or other people who have children under their care or others who are vulnerable under their care. And God hates abuse of people and the use of authority to abuse them.

Let's listen to Jesus Himself when it comes to this question of the treatment of children and of those who are vulnerable. His disciples were bickering, and so they came to Jesus for the answer. They'd been fighting over who was the greatest in the kingdom of God, and they went to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest?" Jesus called a little child and said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. Your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost" (Matthew 18:1–6,10,14).

So why should we not abuse children? Why should we respect a child? Well, we should respect a child because Jesus says a child is the greatest. Do you think you only have to respect presidents and governors and important people? Jesus says a child is the greatest. Another reason: Jesus takes personally the way each child is treated. He says, "Whoever welcomes a child in my name welcomes me" (Matthew 18:5). When you're kind to one of your own children, you're being kind to Jesus. When you're being kind to a child who's not yours, you're being kind to Jesus Himself. He says He takes it personally, and when you welcome a child in Jesus' name, you're welcoming Jesus Himself.

Another reason to respect a child: those children have friends in high places. Those children have angels who care about them and speak on their behalf and defend them. And those children have a Father Himself who cherishes each child and doesn't want one of them to be lost. And so when your actions crush a child—when your actions cause a child to rebel and to fall into sin because of the horrible ways you've treated that child and oppressed that child—the angels and the mighty Father God Himself are against you. So even if you don't want to respect a little one, respect the fact that they have powerful friends in high places. And that's why if you harm a child, you'd be better off at the bottom of the ocean. These are not my words. This is Jesus Himself speaking and saying, "Respect a child. See that you do not look down on one of these little ones" (Matthew 18:6,10).

Much abuse comes from a lack of respect. And people who abuse often speak about respect, but respect can mean different things. Respect can mean treating someone like a person. It can also mean treating someone like an authority. And so abusive parents, for instance, who happen to have knowledge of the Bible will often remind their children that the Ten Commandments have a command that says, "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12), and the Bible says, "Children, obey your parents" (Ephesians 6:1). So: obey, honor my authority. Well, that's true. Children should honor the authority of their parents. The Bible encourages and commands that people in congregations honor the authorities of the elders and deacons and others in authority over them. We're to honor the authority of the government. All of that is true.

But this does not mean that those in authority have the right to do as they please. If you insist on being treated like an authority but don't treat someone like a person, you're abusing that person and you're abusing your authority. If you're a parent, treat your children as valuable persons and treat them with respect. If you're a teacher or a pastor, treat those with whom you're dealing as persons who mean a lot and who are of equal value to you, even though you have, in a sense, a kind of authority. So respect means not just claiming that you have to respect me because I'm in authority, but respecting every child of God, knowing that even the least of these are the greatest in the kingdom of God.

When we think about child abuse, we can think about at least three major areas of abuse: verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. Verbal abuse and physical abuse sometimes arise out of the sense of obligation that we're supposed to direct our children. And there is a legitimate call in the Bible that parents are to train their children: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6); "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul" (Proverbs 29:17). So there are many passages in the Bible that speak of the importance of disciplining children, of teaching and training them. And every good parent will take those passages to heart. But parents who've become warped and twisted will sometimes use even such passages to defend terrible treatment of their children—verbal abuse and physical abuse of those children.

Verbal abuse—we might say, "Oh, it doesn't matter what you say to people or how loudly you yell at them." There's an old saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That is a lie. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart. "Reckless words pierce like a sword" (Proverbs 12:18). "A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit" (Proverbs 15:4). "The tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21). And when it goes wrong, "The tongue is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body... set on fire by hell itself. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison" (James 3:6,8). Those are just some of the things. The Bible also speaks of the tongue in terms of a sword and a variety of other pictures—but you get the point. It's like a sword. It's a crushing weight. It wields the power of life and death. It's like a deadly fire. It's like poison. That's what verbal abuse is. You're poisoning a child. You're throwing that child into a fire. You're running a blade through that child's heart. That's how serious verbal abuse is.

Verbal abuse can come in the form of just yelling uncontrollably—having terrible displays of a hot temper and using words to cut into a child through insults, by calling them names. Sometimes kids do this to each other. I'm speaking here about people who are older and in authority using their position and their words to tear children apart. And sometimes it doesn't come with lots of yelling. Sometimes it comes in a more subtle and crushing way.

I know a young man who received a full scholarship to attend a Christian college. He had a free ride, and his father said, "You are not college material. You don't have the brains for it, and you're not going to work hard enough to do it." And the son didn’t go. His father hadn’t gone to college. He didn’t want his son to rise above him in any form. He himself had been verbally abused by his father, and he just passed it on to the next generation. “You don’t have what it takes. You can’t do it.” The young man had intelligence—that’s why he was offered the scholarship—and his dad told him he couldn’t do it.

Many a time, a parent will say words that poison their children and burn up their children's capacities. Don't underestimate the terrible power of verbal abuse. And that's not even to speak of the terrible and vile insults that sometimes come out of the mouth of an adult and are directed at a little one or at a young person.

Now, that doesn't mean that you never rebuke anybody. That doesn't mean you never correct a child. But it does mean that you rebuke without provoking. There is a great difference between verbal abuse and verbal reproof. Part of parenting and part of guiding children is correcting things. But the Bible says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). You're to instruct. You're not to tear them apart. And don't provoke them—don't drive them crazy by the way you talk to them. Let your words—even the words that are correcting and rebuking—be words that are spoken in love and with wisdom.

Physical abuse is another form of abuse. Children are suffering abuse in some terrible ways. Here's just a few words to keep in mind from the Bible: "The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates" (Psalm 11:5). Is there any form of violence worse than vicious violence toward children by their own parents or by others who have authority over them? The Lord just hates that.

Here's a prayer from the Bible: "Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men; protect me from men of violence" (Psalm 140:1). That's a prayer of somebody who's feeling powerless and doesn't know what to do about the violent things that threaten them. So they cry out to God to rescue them and to deal with those men of violence. What do you think happens when an abused child, with nowhere else to turn, says, "Oh God, please just rescue me from this rotten stuff that they’re doing to me"? Do you think God doesn’t hear that? Do you think the God who hates those who love violence is not going to hold accountable those who inflict such violence on their children or on other people’s children?

The broken bones, the burns, the welts, the physical harm that is done to some children is just heartbreaking. And I’ll guarantee you—if it breaks my heart, it breaks the heavenly Father’s heart a lot more. "The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed" (Psalm 103:6). He upholds the cause of the oppressed, the cause of the poor, the cause of the widow, the cause of those who are considered least or weakest in society—but also, as we've seen, the cause of the little ones.

Physical abuse—God hates it. And again, some people will find verses in the Bible to justify their physical abuse—verses about discipline. But there's a huge difference between physical abuse and physical discipline. Just a few thoughts on spanking without embittering. The Bible says, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). And also, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged" (Colossians 3:21).

Just as there's a difference between verbal reproof and verbal abuse, so there's a huge difference between physical discipline and physical abuse. A swat on the rear end on a little child who has misbehaved is very different from the twisting of an arm until it breaks, or the hitting in the face, or the humiliating of children in front of other children, or the other things that can be done that are physically abusive.

And let me not forget one of the most horrible forms of physical abuse: the murder of unborn children. Remember that by abortion, a little child who’s already been conceived in the womb is destroyed. And God does not smile on that. Jesus says, "Whoever welcomes a little child in my name welcomes me" (Matthew 18:5). If you destroy a child, then you are doing that to Jesus, and He takes it personally. So whether it's abortion before a child is born, or terrible mistreatment of children after they are born, we need to learn how to handle verbal rebuke as well as physical discipline without being abusive about it.

Here are a few thoughts on healthy correction—on spanking without embittering or on dealing with children in general:

First of all, be calm. The time when you most feel like disciplining your child is probably the time you shouldn't. When you're furious and you just want to vent and get them, you're not going to be disciplining for their good. You're going to be disciplining just to gush your own feelings. And if it comes to hitting them, you're going to hit them a lot harder than you should and a lot more often than you should. You're not going to give them just a well-modulated and calm spank. You're going to hurt them.

For some people, they just can’t be calm. If you were brought up in a way that people were abusive to you and you don’t trust yourself, then you probably shouldn’t use physical discipline. Find some other means of disciplining your children. But even if you are somebody who does give your child—especially a young child—a spanking from time to time, be calm when you do it. You need to cool down, because if you do it when you’re mad, then you’re doing more harm than good.

Be consistent. Be consistent in the sense that the same offense gets the same punishment. That depends not on your mood but on the nature of the offense. You shouldn’t spank a child just for spilling their milk or doing something by accident. You shouldn’t spank a child for minor offenses. Usually, a spank should only be when they are directly defiant to you, and often when they’re a little child, because as they’re older, spanking is not as appropriate a punishment. But if you do, be consistent.

Sometimes little kids are cute. They can be cute when they’re bad. And so when you’re in a good mood and the child does something bad that also happens to seem kind of cute to you, you kind of giggle about it. And then they do it later, and you come down on them like a ton of bricks—and you spank them, and you yell at them. “Oh, this is terrible.” They did exactly the same thing. It just seemed cute to you one time, and another time it happened to rub you the wrong way.

Be consistent, or they’re not going to get the message that you’re disciplining for their good, but that it’s just all about you and your feelings and how it happened to strike you at the time.

Also, be consistent in your behavior. Sometimes parents want their kids not to use foul language, to take an example—and they cuss themselves. Make sure that your discipline is consistent with your own behavior. And that doesn’t mean less than what you expect of your children. It means improve what you expect of yourself.

And be reasonable.

Speaking of expectations, sometimes children are underachievers, but sometimes parents are over-expecters. So be reasonable in your expectations. You should not expect a two-year-old to have the maturity of a twelve-year-old. You should not expect little children to never spill anything, or never to leave their toys on the floor, or never to cry. Little ones who are hungry or tired or have a dirty diaper are going to cry. Be reasonable and understand that.

Be reasonable too with older children—your teenagers. You may notice some behavior you don't like, or they’re giving you some attitude, and you can just come right back at them. But be reasonable, because there may be something else going on in their life that you're not aware of. So be reasonable in how you deal with them.

And be fair. Don’t give huge punishments for minor offenses. “I'm grounding you for two months for not picking up your room.” Well, that's just not fair. So be fair in your correction.

And be attentive. That means pay attention. If your little one—let's say you've got a two- or three-year-old—and they're misbehaving, ask whether it's nap time before you decide whether they're an evil, rebellious child. Or ask if they've had some food lately. Or think about whether they've had a fresh diaper. When they're little, be attentive. And when they're older, be attentive. As I mentioned, sometimes your teenager may be giving you some attitude or not behaving well, but do you know what's happening? Do they have trouble at school? Are there people picking on them? Are they going through a hard time emotionally? Are they struggling with depression themselves?

And if they're not relating to you the way you want them to, that doesn't mean you've got to punish them and blame them right away. There may be things going on. So pay attention. Listen. Listen before you speak too harshly or before you punish too harshly.

And in all of this, be affectionate. Make sure that your kids know you love them, that you treasure them, that you enjoy them, that you value them. Because if it's all about discipline, all about being tough, it's going to be abusive—even if any particular spanking was never too harsh, or even if any word was never too harsh. If all they find from you is a spanking or a rebuke and never a hug, and never encouragements, and never compliments, then you're being abusive just by being neglectful of showing them the affection that they need.

So these are just some of the things to keep in mind in order for our verbal and our physical methods of correction to remain healthy and not abusive.

So there's verbal, and there's physical abuse. And sexual—let's think about some of the myths of sexual abuse before we focus in particular on childhood sexual abuse.

One myth is that only girls and women are assaulted. There are boys who are assaulted as well. I know this not just from national data, but from personal knowledge—people who were assaulted as young boys by women, sexually misused. And it has had a profound and terrible impact on their life. So that’s a myth. It is more common for girls and for women to be assaulted, but it's not impossible at all for young boys, especially, and even for some older ones to be inappropriately dealt with sexually.

Another myth: accusations are usually made up. “The kids are just saying this.” Not so fast. Many, many times when a child finally finds the courage to talk about what's going on, they need to be taken seriously. They don't need to be automatically believed no matter what—but they do need to be taken seriously. And the matter needs to be investigated—usually by somebody beyond you, maybe by the authorities—because kids don't usually just cook this stuff up.

Another myth: most rapists are strangers. They're not. Among women and older girls who are assaulted, many of them will be assaulted by a date or someone they know—or even by their husband. There are husbands who use violent sex to control their wife without her consent. And when it comes to little girls in particular, it's not the story of a kidnapper or a stranger who just plucked them off the street and mistreated them. Very often, it’s an uncle, a neighbor, a family friend. So don’t think that kids are always safe if they’re away from strangers. Very often, the greatest threat to them is very close. It might be a grandfather. It might be a close relative.

Here's another myth: it’s not assault if you’re married. I’ve already mentioned that some men force sex on their wives when their wife, for whatever reason, does not want to. And very often, these are controlling and abusive men, where part of their joy is forcing a woman against her will.

Here’s another myth: immodest clothing makes you partly responsible for being assaulted. If you are sexually assaulted, it is the assaulter’s fault—not yours. Period. It may be wise to dress more modestly, or you may want to do that for your own dignity, but that is not why you were assaulted. You were assaulted because somebody else violated you.

So these are just some of the myths that we need to dismiss when it comes to sexual abuse.

When it comes to childhood sexual abuse, it often follows a pattern. It often begins with grooming. Grooming is getting a child ready and receptive for inappropriate sexual activity. And it starts with just being nice—being nice, but at the same time being secret. The abuser who is planning this or grooming a child will maybe offer a little toy, or a chance to pet a puppy, or do something nice and then say, “But don’t tell anybody about this. This is our little secret.” So they’ll do various nice things or give little gifts to win the child’s trust—to make the child feel good and yet keep it a secret.

The next stage is still, in one sense, harmless. The child may be a person who hasn’t received many hugs in family—or maybe they did—but anyway, the abuser will hug them, will just put a little touch on the knee or a hug. And it’ll be perfectly okay. I mean, we like to express affection through hugs and through other forms of touch. And it's just an innocent expression of affection—but not when grooming is going on.

And then once the child’s trust has been won through niceness and secrecy, and through some touch that’s just perfectly ordinary, then comes what’s not acceptable: the actual sexual abuse—the touching of private body parts, the rape of a child, the inappropriate comments that are made or displays of the adult’s sexuality to the child. Whatever form the abuse takes, it moves beyond the niceness and the okay touch and moves into the not-okay touch, and the not-okay displays, and the not-okay actions.

And then once that has begun, the abuser usually wants to keep it up. And so there are threats: “Don’t tell anybody or something bad’s going to happen. You’re going to be blamed. Or I’m going to do something terrible to you. Or I’m going to do something terrible to somebody you love. Or I’m going to do something terrible to your pet.” Or there may be an offer of privileges—some of the little goodies—to continue to bribe. And so there’s threats and privileges to maintain the ongoing abuse and to keep it a secret.

And sometimes this can go on for quite a long time, where the child is terrified to tell anybody—too ashamed to tell anybody—and then it continues and continues and continues.

Some of the most wonderful people in the world choose to get involved and work with children. And some of the worst people in the world do. The teaching profession, the counseling profession, the coaching profession bring adults in contact with little ones. And many bless those little ones. But there are the predators. And we need to be aware of how they operate.

What’s the damage of sexual abuse?

Well, one part of the damage is powerlessness. A child feels utterly powerless. Sometimes it starts with a child in a home where they’re a bit neglected emotionally—or maybe more than a bit—and so they wish something were different. Then somebody comes along and starts acting nice to them, giving them little gifts, and even touching them and giving them a hug once in a while. And that feels empowering. But then that person starts abusing them, and they don’t know how to stop it. And there are these threats that will happen if they do try to stop it. So the child feels powerless to stop the abuse. And then, sometimes even decades later, they still have these horrible feelings that are rooted in that abuse—and they’re powerless to make those feelings go away.

So there's the powerlessness of not being able to stop the abuse when it was happening and the powerlessness of not being able to get rid of those yucky, horrifying feelings afterward.

Another area of damage is betrayal. Because so often sexual abuse comes at the hands of someone you trusted—whether it was Grandpa, whether it was Uncle So-and-so, whether it was your own father, or a scout leader or a teacher. Somebody you trusted. Somebody you looked up to used you—betrayed you. Used their authority and their strength to violate you. And that makes it very, very hard for you to trust people again.

Another area of damage—and these are all areas that Dr. Dan Allender writes about in his book The Wounded Heart, on which I’m depending for much of this talk from here on out—is ambivalence. What does that mean? It means mixed feelings—jumbled feelings. Because on the one hand, the person who was abused had some good feelings because of that abuser: they were given those little gifts, and for a while they felt good about the way they were being treated by that person. And then came the abuse.

But later on they still feel kind of guilty, because they say, “Boy, I felt some pleasure when they were being nice to me. I felt some pleasure when they let me pet that puppy, or when they gave me candy, or when they did this or that.” And because of human biology, they may have even felt some pleasure during the actual acts of sexual abuse. And then reflecting on that later, they say, “Well, boy, I must be a bad person because I felt some pleasure while they were doing that awful stuff.”

Well, just because there was some biological pleasure does not mean that it was your fault. It’s always the fault of the abusive adult. The adult will say, “Oh, but you were just so beautiful,” or “You behaved a certain way—I just couldn’t keep my hands off you.” No. It’s not your fault.

But nonetheless, there is sometimes in people that ambivalence, or that mixture of feelings—“Well, I had some pleasure at some point in all of that, so I must be wicked. I must have been asking for it.” That’s where you can’t trust your own feelings. You can’t trust people because of the betrayal. You can’t trust your own feelings because the way you were wired for pleasure has been violated by that abuser.

Other elements of damage come in depression. Many people who have been sexually abused feel depressed later in life. They feel contempt—they feel contempt for themselves in some cases, or they feel contempt for other people and look down on them. They see everybody in a very grim light.

It often leads to sexual problems. Sometimes the sexual problem can be a problem of promiscuity, of not having good boundaries, and just going to bed with anybody and everybody because your sexual sense of what’s appropriate has been violated. At other times, it goes to the opposite extreme, where you’re really frigid or feel revolted by anything related to attraction to people or to sexual intimacy—even with your own spouse. People who have been through sexual abuse sometimes have a very hard time enjoying the sexual dimension of their marriage.

People who have suffered sexual abuse—as well as physical and verbal abuse in many cases—are more prone to alcoholism, to drug addiction, to eating disorders such as anorexia (where they starve themselves) or bulimia (especially common among victims of sexual abuse, where they eat and then disgorge in an attempt to purify themselves of what’s filthy). Another outcome is perfectionism—they’ve always got to be dressed perfectly, exactly on time, everything has to be just so.

There are various forms of compulsion that come from this. Sometimes there are health problems such as ulcers that come from constant anxiety, headaches, unending stress.

A final area that Dr. Allender talks about comes in styles of relating, where what happened to you tends to warp and shape how you relate to other people. He gives three examples—and he knows that sexual abuse happens to boys as well as girls and makes that very clear—but then he gives three pictures applying it to females, even though some of these things could apply to abused boys as well.

One style of relating by an abuse survivor is the “good girl.” A good girl lives for other people. She lives to please others. She doesn’t have a willingness to take her own feelings seriously. She’s going to try to make sure other people are happy. She doesn’t want to offer her own opinions—she’s going to accept their opinions. And so, sometimes the good girl will be in a relationship in adulthood where she gets manipulated and mistreated by others. Other times, she may just be a very nice church girl who does all the right stuff and is always trying to keep people happy—but really feels kind of dead inside and doesn’t dare to show her own ideas or her own wishes.

The opposite approach is the “tough girl.” She directs her contempt toward others. She’s going to run the show. She’s never going to let anybody hurt her. She’s going to make sure she’s in charge. She’s going to be liberated. She’s going to be the boss at work, not the employee. She’s going to be the one who’s in charge in her marriage—not the husband. She’s going to be tough. And that’s a way of relating that’s often been shaped by that feeling of powerlessness that she once had and that betrayal. “It’s not going to happen to me again. Nobody’s going to have the power to betray me. Nobody’s going to make me feel powerless.”

Then there’s the “party girl.” She may literally go to parties. She may be the girl who’s always acting like she’s having a good time. She’s trying to lose her negative feelings in fun. Or she gets into relationships and is able to feel good because she can get someone’s attention—and then she can ditch him, and get the next guy and ditch him. She’s in charge because her charms are winning.

Or a different application: not so much in seduction, but perhaps she’s a mother now—and she gets her kids enmeshed in really needing her. Even as they get older, she wants them to need her. She controls others by sucking them into her emotional web.

Those are some ways that, when you’re a survivor of sexual abuse and you’re not aware of what’s going on, you can get into a particular style of relating where it’s not really you coming out—but a way of coping that’s controlling how you relate to others.

So you have verbal, physical, sexual abuse. Any of these forms of child abuse is very harmful and devastating.

How do we prevent abuse? That’s an important question to ask. If you're an adult, first make sure you’re not an abuser. That involves dealing with your own past hurts and your own bad tendencies. If you've been wounded by an abusive parent, be aware that many children who were beaten by their parents go on to be physically abusive themselves. And some who were sexually abused go on to become sexual abusers. It’s not inevitable, but it happens. So one of the ways of preventing abuse is to make sure you're not part of the problem. Even if it was inflicted on you, don’t carry it on.

And some people are abusers who were not themselves abused. It’s entirely evil getting a hold of them, and they’re doing that. If you're in that situation, you need to repent and confess—and put a stop to it.

If you're trying to protect your own children or others under your care, and you’re a parent—don't leave a child alone with just one adult, even if it happens to be somebody you know. Protect them. In our church, we have a policy of child protection: we don’t let a child be alone with an adult in the church. There must be at least two adults present. And we have other limits on when children can be with adults—because we just don’t know. So we need to protect the children.

Teach children directly—your own little ones. Teach them what’s not appropriate. Teach them that others should not touch their private parts. Teach them that they should let you know if anything happens that makes them uncomfortable, if anyone says or does something they shouldn’t. Tell your children—and invite them always to let you know what’s going on. And when they do, listen and take them seriously.

Those are just some very basic steps to begin defending little children.

What if allegations are made of sexual abuse—by a child, or maybe by a teenager, or by someone in their 30s who’s talking about something that happened 15 or 20 years ago? What do you do?

When somebody starts talking about that, listen. Listen calmly. Don’t jump in with judgment, and don’t immediately issue a verdict. Pause and pray in your mind. And if that victim is under 18, affirm them for telling you. Say, “Hey, you did the right thing. I'm glad you talked to me.” Then you must report that to the civil authorities—the police or child protection agencies.

Do not try to investigate it on your own. If you’re a leader in a church and you try to investigate it yourself, it’s not going to end well. It will appear as a cover-up or a failure to take things seriously. And in many countries, you have a legal obligation to report anything involving abuse of children.

Don’t try to be your own investigative team. Allegations of abuse involve crimes—not just sins—and they must be reported to the proper authorities.

If the person alleging abuse is over 18, you may still want to talk with them and ask, “Do you want to report this to the authorities?” Encourage them to do so. If the abuse involves someone from the church—a pastor, elder, or leader—you need to report this to the proper church authorities too. That person must be subject to appropriate discipline from both church and civil authorities.

The church of all places must be safe. The church of all places must listen.

What if you’ve been someone who was abused? What do you do then?

When you begin to seek healing, at least three things are involved. Dr. Dan Allender highlights these:

1. Honesty
2. Repentance
3. Bold love

Honesty means facing the damage of being victimized and the ways you’ve reacted to protect yourself. Not all your reactions have been wise or helpful. So there’s repentance—not for what was done to you (you are not guilty for being abused), but for the choices you made afterward that may not have pleased God.

Then there’s bold love—you revoke revenge. You hunger for restoration. You pursue the good of even the abuser. That sounds very, very hard—maybe even impossible.

Let’s look a little deeper:

Honesty

It’s hard to be honest with ourselves. If you’ve been abused, you don’t always want to admit it—not even to yourself. But you need to. You need to put it into words:

“I have been abused. I am a victim of a crime against my body and my soul. I am not responsible for the crime. Abuse has damaged my soul.”

Your damage may differ from others. Some may have had it worse. You don’t need to evaluate that. You’re damaged—and it’s worth facing what that damage is. It’s going to take time to deal with these inner wounds. You can’t snap your fingers and make everything right in 10 minutes.

And you must not keep a veil of secrecy and shame over your past. It’s best if you talk to at least one trusted person about it—but you don’t need to talk to everyone. Just talk to someone you trust.

Being honest means you’re willing to explore what happened. Because very often, you try to harden your feelings against it. You try to direct your mind to almost anything but those terrible memories.

But honesty means saying, “Lord, I want You to help me really face it now—to feel what I’ve really suffered.” And sometimes that will come through prayer, Bible reading, fasting, and just being open: “Lord, I’m not even sure I understand everything that happened, but bring it to my mind and help me deal with it.”

Do that in partnership with a trusted friend, a counselor, or a pastor.

Repentance

Again, let me say—this is not repentance about being abused. It wasn’t your fault. You don’t say, “Oh, but I brought it on myself by doing this or that.” That’s all part of the abuser’s manipulation of your mind. It is never your fault. If you were a child and you were abused—period—it was never your fault. It was the adult’s fault.

And yet, as you go further in life, there may be a place for repentance—because you’ve made choices that were warped by what happened to you. Instead of looking to God for help and healing, you’ve been dealing with it on your own, in your own strength, and in your own wisdom.

Repentance is an internal shift in our perceived source of life. “I’m not going to give myself life. I’m not going to try to do it all on my own.” It’s recognizing that our self-protective means to avoid hurt have not ushered us into real living or into purposeful, powerful relating. “I’m not relating to people the way God meant me to. I’m not really alive inside. And I’ve been for too long just trying to guard myself.”

Ultimately, repentance is a hungry, broken return to God: “Lord, I’m wounded. I’m hurt. You be my healer. You be my life. You help me to move on from here.” That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily and magically feel better 24 hours a day. Healing often takes time. It takes ongoing help from the Lord and ongoing love and friendship from other people. But it can come.

Repentance is just saying, “Lord, I’m sick of trying to cope with this on my own. I’m going to look to You for help, and I’m going to bring it to You.”

Bold love.

 

Loving your abuser—what does that mean? Speaking of forgiving and of even wishing that a relationship could be restored—what does that mean?

Does that mean you try to get along again with the person who abused you? Well, if the person who abused you—let’s say you were raped by a stranger—you shouldn’t go and try to establish a relationship with that stranger. But with God’s help you can say, “Lord, please help me to forgive what was done to me.”

Let’s say it’s your own father who did something terrible to you—either beat you or sexually mistreated you. What does it mean to forgive and to seek restoration?

Well, to forgive is not the same as being rid of all negative feelings, or forgetting what happened. It’s not saying, “I’m just going to go right back into a relationship with that wicked, evil person on the same terms we had before.”

Dan Allender tells of asking a woman who had been sexually abused by her father this question:

“What would you do if God gave you the choice between pushing a button on your left, which would utterly destroy your father at this minute, or a button on your right, which would lead to radical, deep repentance and the kind of change that would make him the father God intended him to be?”

That’s what it means to want someone restored. Not to say, “Hey Dad, it’s all okay. I forgot all about it. Let’s just move on as though nothing happened.” Unless he has repented, you should not try to move on with him as though nothing happened.

If he hasn’t repented, then perhaps the wisest move for you in bold love is to have nothing to do with him.

I know a young woman who was sexually molested by her father. Later in life, she didn’t want to have much to do with him, and she certainly didn’t want her children alone with him. Some of her siblings thought she was bad for mistreating her father, that she should just “let bygones be bygones.” Some of them didn’t even take seriously the fact that she had been sexually abused. Her father would admit just a little bit here or there, but never acknowledge how serious it really was or how much he had wounded her.

So she said, “Until you’re willing to face what you did, I’m not going to spend much time with you. And you are never going to be alone with my children.” Now, that’s just wisdom. You don’t want your children alone with a potential sexual abuser. And you don’t owe it to some unrepentant person to try to establish a relationship with him while he’s still wicked and vile.

But forgiveness means saying, “I do not wish him harm. It is not my first and favorite choice that God would obliterate him and destroy him.” God’s vengeance is up to Him. “If that’s what God chooses to do and avenge what that man did, then that’s up to God. But if I had my choice, I would have God transform that person. I would have God lead him to repent of his sins, as He’s led me to repent of mine and has made me a new creature in Christ.”

If only that would happen—to your father or to that other person who was so wicked toward you.

Bold love is sometimes very bold—it demands change. It says, “We can’t have a relationship if you’re not going to admit what you did and change your behavior.” But it’s never done simply out of a desire to inflict pain on the other person, or to wish their destruction. It’s done to seek their restoration.

“Pray for your enemies” (Matthew 5:44).

But he’s still your enemy if he hasn’t repented. God calls the abused and invites them to bold love—not as a harsh command, but as a path to healing.

It is a privilege to be able to forgive. It is a privilege to have God's grace so overflow in you that you can forgive the unforgivable—and that you can seek the restoration of people who deserve only hell.

Abused children need God's grace. And adults who were once abused as children need such help and healing from God.

If you’re going to be emotionally fit, part of that is overcoming childhood abuse that occurred in your own life. And if you’re going to bless others, part of that is protecting them and ministering to those who need healing.

It’s my prayer that for some of you, you might even say, “Well, this was kind of a wasted talk. I’ve never been through that kind of child abuse and I’m not inflicting it on anybody.” Well, I hope to some degree that’s the truth of the matter.

But all of you—if you're aspiring to be Christian leaders or if you're part of a Christian congregation—there are going to be people around you whom you care about who have surely been abused, and who may be in jeopardy even right now, or are going through abuse.

So be alert. Look for ways that you can limit and put an end to the abuse that’s happening. Ways that you can protect your children. Ways that you can protect your congregation. Ways that you can also bring healing to those who have been through it.

That’s what it means to be part of the body of Christ. It’s not saying, “Well, I haven’t been through any abuse and I’m not an abuser, so none of my concern.” The Bible says, “When one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26). So learn all you can about ministering to people who have been through various kinds of abuse—and then be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ in defending them and in bringing them healing.

 

Overcoming Child Abuse
By David Feddes
Slide Contents

Abusers of authority

Should not shepherds take care of the flock? … You have ruled them harshly and brutally… This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock… I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them… I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. (Ezekiel 34:1-11)

Matthew 18:1-14

¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

² He called a little child and had him stand among them. ³ And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

⁵ “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. ⁶ But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

⁷ “Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! ⁸ If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.


¹⁰ “See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

¹² “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ¹³ And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. ¹⁴ In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.

Why respect a child?

• Jesus says a child is greatest.
• Jesus takes personally the way each child is treated.
• The angels and the Father himself cherish each child.
• If you harm a child, you’d be better off at the bottom of the ocean.

Respect vs. abuse

Respect can mean different things:

• Treating someone like a person.
• Treating someone like an authority.

If you insist on being treated like an authority but don’t treat someone like a person, you are abusing that person and abusing your authority.

Child abuse

• Verbal
• Physical
• Sexual

Train and discipline

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6)

Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. (Proverbs 29:17)

Verbal abuse

Reckless words pierce like a sword... A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit... The tongue has the power of life and death. (Proverbs 12:18; 15:4; 18:21)

The tongue is a fire… set on fire by hell itself…  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:6-8)

Verbal reproof

Rebuking without provoking

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

Physical abuse

The Lord hates everyone who loves violence. (Psalm 11:5)

Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence. (Psalm 140:1)

The Lord upholds the cause of the oppressed. (Psalm 146:7)

Physical discipline

Spanking without embittering

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him (Prov 22:15).

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21).

Healthy correction

• Be calm.
• Be consistent.
• Be reasonable.
• Be fair.
• Be attentive.
• Be affectionate.

Child abuse

• Verbal
• Physical
• Sexual

Myths of sexual abuse

• Only girls and women are assaulted.
• Accusations are usually made up.
• Most rapists are strangers.
• It’s not assault if you’re married.
• Immodest clothing makes you partly responsible for being assaulted.

Stages of sexual abuse

1. Niceness and secrecy
2. Touch that seems okay
3. Actual sexual abuse
4. Threats and privileges to maintain ongoing abuse and secrecy

Damage of
 sexual abuse

• Powerlessness
• Betrayal
• Ambivalence
• Depression, feeling contempt
• Sexual problems
• Compulsions: alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, perfectionism
• Ulcers, headaches, stress
• Styles of relating

Styles of relating
by abuse survivors

• Good girl
• Tough girl
• Party girl

Child abuse

• Verbal
• Physical
• Sexual

Preventing abuse

• Adults, deal with your own past hurts and bad tendencies. Don’t abuse.
• Don’t leave a child alone with just one adult, even someone you know.
• Teach children that others should not touch their private parts.
• Listen and take children seriously.

Responding 
to allegations

Listen calmly without judging.

Pause and pray.

If alleged victim is under 18:

• Affirm the child for telling.
• Report to civil authorities.

Healing from abuse

• Honesty faces the damage of being victimized and reactive self-protection.
• Repentance faces the harm we have done to ourselves, others, and God.
• Bold love revokes revenge, hungers for restoration, and pursues good for the abuser.

Honesty

I have been abused. I am a victim of a crime against my body and soul. I am not responsible for the crime. Abuse has damaged my soul. My damage differs from others but is worth facing. It will take time to deal with inner wounds. I must not keep a veil of secrecy and shame over my past, but I don’t need to tell it to anyone I don’t feel I can trust.

Repentance

This is NOT repentance about being abused. It was not your fault.

Repentance is an internal shift in our perceived source of life. It is recognizing that our self-protective means to avoid hurt have not ushered us into real living or to purposeful, powerful relating… Ultimately, repentance is a hungry, broken return to God. (Dan Allender)

Bold love

What would you do if God gave you the choice between pushing a button on your left, which would utterly destroy your father at this minute, or a button on your right, which would lead to radical, deep repentance and the kind of change that would make him the father God intended him to be? (Dan Allender)

Much material in this presentation is from Dr. Dan Allender, The Wounded Heart.