Slides: Overcoming Partner Abuse

By David Feddes

Abusing the Bible

Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. (Ephesians 5:22-23)

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18)

Wives, be submissive to your husbands. (1 Peter 3:1)

Love and respect

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:22-23)

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19)

Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect. (1 Peter 3:7)

Partner abuse

• Emotional
• Physical
• Sexual

Emotional abuse

• Insulting
• Blaming
• Ignoring
• Isolating
• Impoverishing
• Threatening

Even among women who suffered physical abuse, more than half say emotional abuse harmed them most.

Emotional (verbal) abuse

Reckless words pierce like a sword... A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit... The tongue has the power of life and death. (Proverbs 12:18; 15:4; 18:21)

The tongue is a fire… set on fire by hell itself…  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:6-8)

Physical abuse

Attacks by partners are #1 cause of injury to women ages 15-44.

• Throwing or breaking things
• Scratching, biting, pushing
• Slapping, kicking, choking
• Denying food or force feeding
• Weapons or endangering

Sexual abuse

• Rape: forced sexual acts
• Infidelity: affairs with others
• Jealousy: often suspects and accuses partner of infidelity
• Pornography: looks at porn and pressures partner to imitate it
• Ownership: partner is property

Partner abuse

• Emotional
• Physical
• Sexual

Thoughts of the abused

• He’s not always this way. He loves me.
• He didn’t mean it. He just loses control.
• He calls me names, then wants intimacy.
• I feel so confused. Am I crazy?
• People love him. Why do I set him off?
• Maybe it’s my fault. How can I improve?
• He’s trying. Things will get better.
• I feel scared. I don’t dare to leave him.

Five common puzzles

• His story is far different from hers.
• He gets insanely jealous, but in other ways he seems rational.
• He can get people to side with him.
• Eruptions seem out of control, yet other controlling behaviors appear calculated.
• At times he seems to improve, but then he repeats abuse and gets worse.

Abusive mentality

• Possessive
• Controlling
• Manipulative
• Entitled
• Superior
• Degrading
• Twisting
• Blaming
• Denying
• Minimizing

Abusive fool

The way of a fool seems right to him.

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding 
but delights in airing his own opinions.

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

A fool gives full vent to his anger. (Prov 12:15; 18:2; 26:11; 29:11)

Trying to please fails

• Trying to please an abuser would work only if your behavior caused the abuse.
• Abuse is never caused by someone else, so pleasing an abuser won’t stop abuse.
• Any effort to please an abuser rewards his manipulation and hardens him.
• You can’t read abuser’s mind or fix him, but your efforts to please can crush you.

Couples therapy fails

• Deals with issues that are mutual—but abuse is one person’s fault, not both.
• Abuser feels confirmed that partner “sets him off” and must change her ways.
• Partner feels that if she changes, abuse will stop and relationship will improve.
• Telling of abuse may spark worse abuse.

Personal therapy fails

I have yet to meet an abuser who has made any meaningful and lasting changes in his behavior toward female partners through therapy… when he is finished, he will be a happy, well-adjusted abuser… 

A high quality abuser program is entirely different from therapy. (Lundy Bancroft)

Abusers who change

• His friends and relative recognize his abuse and tell him to deal with it.
• He is less self-centered and senses how badly he has hurt his partner.
• Partner is strongly supported by family, friends, church, and legal system.
• He joins solid abuser program for 2 years.

Impose consequences

An abuser changes only when he feels he has to… Either his partner demands change and threatens to leave him or a court demands change and threatens to jail him. I have never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. (Lundy Bancroft)

Impose consequences

• Report to church: Abuse is sin. Church leaders must fight sin and protect flock from predators.
• Report to police: Physical and sexual assault are crimes. Serious threats are crimes. Don’t protect a criminal.
• Prepare to leave: Form an exit plan. Leave if he won’t join abuser program.

Consequences

Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse… If you are a mocker, you alone will suffer… A mocker resents correction… Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended. (Proverbs 9:7, 12; 15:12; 22:10)

A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again… Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? … A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.  (Proverbs 19:19; 27:4; 29:22)

Divorce and violence

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself [also translated his wife] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:16)

Don’t accept abuse

• For God’s sake: It dishonors God to let an abuser keep destroying your spirit and body, which God created.
• For your sake: You are precious. Don’t let abuser trash your life. Stop demonic attacks and seek healing.
• For abuser’s sake: Consequences are the best hope for him to escape evil.

Love your abuser

• Boundaries: protect your safety and dignity; prevent further attacks
• Forgiveness: seek and pray for your enemy’s wellbeing.

Forgiveness cancels the debt but does not lend new money until repentance occurs. (Allender & Longman)

Get help in healing

• God: Helper of the downtrodden
• Self: inner strength and wisdom
• Family: relatives who treasure you
• Church: fellow saints who see you as royalty called and gifted by God
• Counsel: support group or therapist