Transcript & Slides: Family and Friends

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Family and Friends
By David Feddes

One of the things that we need to think about in relational fitness is the impact that others are having on us and the impact that we're having on them. We need to ask those questions even about our own family. Is your family helping you or harming you? Are they making you better or worse? What is your family's impact on you?

At the same time, you need to ask: what's your impact on your family? Are you helping or harming them? Are you making them better or worse? As you evaluate, you sometimes have to make some decisions. If your family is helping you, then you say, "Well, maybe I need to work on being a little closer to them or spending more time with them because they're a helpful influence."

On the other hand, if you've got old scars or old ruts that your family has gotten into, and whenever you're around them it seems they make you worse or hurt you, then you need to say, "Well, do we need better boundaries? Do we need a little more distance?" It's important to evaluate your family ties and then sometimes to take action accordingly.

At the heart of family is marriage, and the impact of a spouse is enormous. The Bible says, "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones" (Proverbs 12:4). "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value" (Proverbs 31:10–11).

When the Bible speaks of an excellent wife, those very words are used by Boaz of the woman who would become his wife. He said, "All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character" (Ruth 3:11). And he ended up marrying her, and they were a tremendous blessing to each other. A spouse can have a great and positive impact on you.

On the other hand, a bad spouse can have a negative impact. King Solomon himself, who authored many of the proverbs, ended up being led astray by his own wives into worshiping idols (1 Kings 11:3–4). When we read of King Ahab in the Bible, he was the worst king Israel ever had—very wicked man—and the Bible says he was urged on by his wife Jezebel (1 Kings 21:25). He was bad enough the way he was, and his wife made him even worse.

Or you read in the New Testament and you find a husband and wife who were on the same page—Ananias and his wife Sapphira. They were in agreement, but they agreed to lie to the church and lie to the Holy Spirit about their giving, and they ended up dead because of it when God struck them down (Acts 5:1–10). They were on the same page, but they were both on the wrong page.

On the other hand, you have a husband and wife like Priscilla and her husband Aquila. They were partners in ministry. They were tremendously effective in spreading the gospel and in encouraging others in leadership and in walking with the Lord (Acts 18:2, 18, 26; Romans 16:3).

Your spouse can make you better or worse. And when you're in marriage, your marriage is a portrait. I'm not talking about a high-priced wedding picture. I'm talking about the fact that marriage portrays something about God and His church. The Bible says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:22–23, 25).

A husband is saying something about Jesus by the way he treats his wife. He may be saying something false and bad about Jesus if he's treating his wife wrongly or not loving her or sacrificing himself for her—but he's always saying something about Jesus. And a wife is always saying something about the way the church relates to Christ when she regards her husband in a certain way. She may be sending a false message or a true one, but marriage itself is just designed to portray something about the Lord and His church.

What's involved in being the head of a home or the head of a wife, or in submitting to a husband? Well, Sam Storms has written a book about Colossians actually titled The Hope of Glory. In that book he mentions some things that headship is not and that headship is; some things that submission is not and that submission is.

Here are some of the things that Sam Storms mentions:

Headship is not being superior to your wife or having more worth than your wife or more wisdom than your wife. Headship is not bullying or forcing your wife to submit. The Bible might command her to submit, but it's not your job to make her submit. Your job is to love and sacrifice for her.

Headship is not independent of God's authority or the authority of church and government. Some men are very much into being the big boss and being important, but they don't have any respect for the authority of the church or the authority of their government. They're self-centered and have respect only for their own authority, not the authority of God or church or government.

Headship is not ignoring your wife's wishes or ignoring your wife's wisdom. It's not saying, "I'm the authority here. I don't care what you want. I don't want your input." Headship is not insisting on your own way and saying, "Hey, whenever there's a disagreement, we do it my way." Headship is not managing every decision or being a control freak and never delegating. Headship is often recognizing that your wife should have much authority delegated to her because she's better at many things, or that's just going to be her sphere of responsibility within the relationship.

So headship is not being in control of everything or making every decision. Headship is self-sacrificing love that pictures the self-sacrificing head of the church—Jesus Christ. If you're living like Jesus and offering yourself up for your wife like Jesus does, then you're being a true head in the relationship.

Headship is gently providing and caring for your wife, wanting to do what's good for her and doing whatever you can to help her flourish. It's protecting and empowering your wife to flourish in beauty, in joy, in holiness. And as the head, it's your responsibility to help her in her flourishing and to make her life joyous and holy.

Headship is being considerate—being considerate of your wife's wishes, what she wants; being considerate of her weaknesses; being considerate of her strengths and abilities. Just paying attention to who she is and being very careful in the way you relate to her.

Headship is taking the lead in example and action. A husband ought to take the lead in helping his family to worship the Lord, in having a daily time of Bible reading, of being the man who says, "It's time to get together. Let's get together, honey. Let's get together, kids. Let's read the Bible together. Let's pray together. Let's sing together." Headship is taking initiative, not just waiting for stuff to happen.

Headship is making tough decisions sometimes and taking responsibility for the consequences—not blaming somebody else. If you're the head of the home and you're relating to your wife, and you say, "Well, I'm going to leave it up to her," because many times the wise thing is to leave it up to her good judgment, but when you do that, then if something goes wrong, you don't come back to her and say, "It's all your fault. You're the one who made that decision." No. If you're the head in that relationship, you were responsible for just leaving it to her. So don't start blaming her if the decision didn't go the way you both had hoped. It's taking responsibility for the consequences even if you left the decision up to somebody else to make.

So headship is having that overall responsibility and being willing to have that responsibility rather than blaming others.

If you're a wife, submission is not regarding your husband as smarter or better or worth more than the wife. Submission is not going along with your husband's cruelty and pretending his sin is okay. Sometimes physically abusive husbands will claim that it is the wife's duty to submit to his cruelty. Well, submission does not mean just letting him get away with being mean and cruel. If he beats on you, report him to the authorities because he's breaking the law. If he's mistreating you, report him to the leadership of the church as well as to the police because he is far from what a husband ought to be. You're not helping him by letting him do that. You can't pretend his sin is okay. That's not real, godly, biblical submission.

Submission is not disobeying God to obey a husband. For instance, let's say your husband says, "I don't want you to go to church on Sunday. I want you to stay home and be with me," and he doesn't want to go at all. Well, if it's God's calling that you worship with the people of God on Sunday and that you be there to praise God with His people, then you need to disobey your husband in that. The Bible says, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29), when it comes to worship, when it comes to who we serve, when it comes to following the Lord Jesus Christ.

Submission is not just being passive and stifling creativity. Submission is not keeping quiet and never questioning or criticizing or advising your husband. You're honoring your husband, but at the same time you can be in dialogue, and you can help sharpen him and make him a better person and help him in his thinking by being his best adviser.

Submission is not doing nothing without first getting your husband's permission and doing nothing beyond the home. Those may be cultural things—where in some cultures a woman does nothing outside the home—but that's not a biblical command. That's not biblical submission.

Submission is submitting to Jesus and picturing the church's submission to her Savior. So in submitting to Jesus, you're also honoring your husband and honoring his wishes and his leadership. Submission is wanting to honor the husband's authority and embracing his leadership in your home. Submission is supporting your husband to help him reach his potential as a man of God. Just as his headship is to help you reach your potential as a wife, so your responsibility as a wife is to help him reach his potential as a man of God.

Submission is compatible with thinking for yourself. It's more effective than nagging. If a husband needs to be won over from ungodly ways—if your husband's not a Christian or if he's gotten onto an ungodly track—then honoring him, being someone who's very considerate of him and gentle toward him, is going to be more effective than just bugging him and nagging him.

Submission is powered by calm contentment in Christ. It's not just being a doormat and feeling like a weakling—“I can't get anything anyway.” It's being content in Jesus and then being able to honor your husband.

The Bible says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ^2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1–2). When you're like Jesus—when you're pure, when you're reverent, when you're not trying to badger or nag your husband into being something, but instead you're showing the Christ-life and the love of Jesus—you're much more likely to win your husband over without words than with lots of harsh words trying to straighten him out and make him into a Christian by your nagging.

When you harm your home, when you harm your marriage, you're harming yourself. Scripture says, “But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). “Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home” (Proverbs 27:8). “He who loves his wife loves himself. ^29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it” (Ephesians 5:28–29).

So if you want to be happy, you wouldn't abuse your own body. And if you want to be happy, your wife is one with you. You treat her well. There's an old saying: "Happy wife, happy life." Somebody who keeps his wife happy is much more likely to flourish and be happy himself. Someone who harms his wife is much more likely to be harming himself and having a miserable life.

Another important element of family, of course, is not just the relationship between spouses but the parent-child relationship. Be good parents if you have children. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Ordinarily, training of a child produces a child who is the kind of grown-up he ought to be when he gets older.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Again and again, Scripture tells parents to be worthy parents, to be good parents, to train their children rightly.

There's a big difference between training and tyranny—between being a parent and being a dictator. There's such a thing as healthy rebuking. You're correcting your children. You're speaking to them. And when you do that, you do it in private—not in front of other people to shame them, not in front of their friends—but instead one-to-one, you're correcting them. You're helping them to see what they need to change.

There's a big difference between rebuking and raging—where you're insulting your children and using words just to degrade them, or when you're doing it in public to shame them in front of others. There's a huge difference between disciplining and damaging. Disciplining is fair. The punishment fits the offense. It's done in love, not in rage, and it's limited. Damaging involves bullying and cruelty and even bodily injury.

There’s a huge difference between rebuking and raging, between correction and verbal abuse. There's a big difference between physical discipline—which may involve a snip on the hand if a child touched something they weren't supposed to, or a swat on the rear if it's a spanking—but there's a huge difference between that kind of limited discipline and abusive, damaging cruelty.

And then there's also the matter of directing as compared to dominating. When you're directing people, you're instructing them—not only by your words but by the way you live, by your example. You're drawing them. You're leading your children. And that's healthy directing.

But dominating means, “I need to be in total control. I'm going to make them do everything I want to do all the time.” And you're still treating them when they're 16 the way you did when they were six. As children grow, they can't just be dominated and controlled. You need to win their heart. You need to instruct their heart. You need to lead them by your example—not by having an iron grip over them.

Because there's going to come a day when you don't have any control over them anymore, and you need to be able to be leading them so that they voluntarily want to be followers of Jesus. They voluntarily want to be godly and holy and righteous people. And that can't be achieved just by controlling every move they make throughout age zero up to age 22 or whenever they manage to escape the house.

So training is important, but realize that it's very different from tyranny. And this is all part of relational fitness—relational health—having a positive way of dealing with your children.

And if you're a child and you have been blessed by God with good parents, follow their lead. Obey their instruction. One of the Ten Commandments says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). The New Testament says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). Or as Proverbs puts it, “Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. ^10They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck” (Proverbs 1:8–9). “They will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity” (Proverbs 3:2).

So when you listen to a godly father and mother, it’s going to make your life longer and better. On the other hand, what happens if you have good parents but you reject and ignore them? “The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures” (Proverbs 30:17). Another way of saying that is: if you won’t follow godly parents, you’re dead meat. Dead meat is what gets eaten by vultures and ravens. So remember the “vulture verse” if you’re tempted to just ignore the path that godly parents provided for you.

Follow good parents. At the same time, realize that not every parent is a good parent. Don’t follow bad parents. Get on a different path than the one they led you on. “Do not be like your forefathers… They would not listen to me,” says the Lord (Zechariah 1:4). That was a message God gave through the prophet Zechariah.

The first martyr, Stephen, was speaking to a crowd who was about to kill him, and he said to them, “You always resist the Holy Spirit! Was there ever a prophet your fathers did not persecute?” (Acts 7:51–52). So don’t resist the Holy Spirit. Some people grew up with parents who didn’t follow Jesus. They resisted the Spirit. Don’t walk in their way.

Peter says, “You were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers” (1 Peter 1:18). In the Bible, you read of a woman named Herodias, and her daughter came to her and said, “Hey, Dad said I could have anything I want. What should I ask for?” What did Herodias the mother say? “Get the head of John the Baptist on a platter” (Mark 6:24–25). Whoa. You’ve got a parent like that—you can’t follow in their ways. Unfortunately, that girl did.

But the fact is, many of us have to evaluate our family relationships. If you had godly parents, then by all means follow them. But if you had wicked parents who resisted the Holy Spirit, then follow a different path. And remember that family is not destiny.

The Bible tells of the kings of Judah. Among those kings was a godly king named Jotham. He was a good man and he ruled well. He had a son named Ahaz. And Ahaz was a wicked man who even killed some of his own children as a sacrifice to idols (2 Kings 16:3). Ahaz had a son named Hezekiah. And Hezekiah wasn’t at all like his father. Hezekiah was a godly man—one of the greatest kings Judah ever had. He followed the ways of the Lord (2 Kings 18:3–5).

Then Hezekiah had a son named Manasseh—a king who was so rotten he worshiped idols and made Jerusalem run rivers of blood. “Moreover, Manasseh also shed so much innocent blood that he filled Jerusalem from end to end” (2 Kings 21:16). Just a horrible man. So you have Jotham—good. Then Ahaz—bad. Then Hezekiah—good. Then Manasseh—bad. Family is not destiny.

And the Bible says in Ezekiel 18 that each person is responsible for himself. If there is a good man and he follows the ways of the Lord, but he has a wicked son, that wicked son will not live because of his father’s goodness. He will die because of his own wickedness. “The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him” (Ezekiel 18:20).

We’re each responsible. So when you think about your family situation and your family relationships, your parents can give you some advantages or disadvantages, but ultimately, you’re responsible for who you are before the Lord.

And if you’ve been on a bad path, just one more word of encouragement. I mentioned: Jotham—good; Ahaz—bad; Hezekiah—good; Manasseh—bad. And Manasseh was really, really, really bad. And yet, when Manasseh, late in his life, found out what the consequences were, God had him captured, and he was led away with a hook in his nose and thrown into a dungeon in a foreign land (2 Chronicles 33:11). And when Manasseh was there, the Bible says, “In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers” (2 Chronicles 33:12). And God forgave him and brought him back out of the dungeon and put him back on his throne (2 Chronicles 33:13).

Even your own history doesn’t have to be your destiny. You can change. That’s why the Bible says, “Repent” (Acts 3:19). That word simply means “turn.” Turn it around. If you have a terrible family legacy—turn it around. If you’ve been walking in that bad legacy and it’s part of your history, you can turn around because God will forgive you and God will change the direction of your life if you repent and ask His forgiveness.

So family is not destiny. Even your own personal history doesn’t have to be your destiny. But you will just continue in a rut if you don’t repent. You will continue in the curses of previous generations and in the ruts they’ve dug unless you choose a different path.

And so evaluate the impact of your family on you and the impact that you have on your family. Then realize what a blessing it is when you do come into relational health in your family situation. “Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children” (Proverbs 17:6). When you're a grandpa or a grandma and you see the little ones growing up in the ways of the Lord, it’s like a crown on your head. When you're a child growing up, there may be times when you're not too proud of your parents. When you're 16 or 17, you may think your parents don't know anything. And then a few more years go by and you say, “Hey, I think Mom and Dad have gotten a lot smarter.” Actually, they may not have gotten that much smarter, but you begin to see that all along they had your best interest at heart, and they were giving you some great wisdom. And now you're starting to see that.

So when you can rejoice in your grandchildren, or when you're a child and you can rejoice that your mom and dad showed you a good path—what a blessing that is. “The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. ^25May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!” (Proverbs 23:24–25).

That's what happens when there's relational fitness in the family—that your dad and mom can have great gladness in how you're turning out, and you can give them gladness not just by what skill you have or what job you get but by the kind of person that you're becoming in the Lord Jesus Christ.

So evaluate your family ties. Evaluate the family’s impact on you. Is your family helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse? And evaluate your impact on them. Are you helping or harming your family? Are you making them better or worse?

May God help each of us to take the best of what our family legacy has given us and get rid of the worst of it. And may God help us to then make an impact on our children and on those around us—and even on our parents if they were ungodly. God may yet give us a chance to bless them and help them repent and turn into God’s way.

As you evaluate the relationships in your family, also evaluate your friendships, because those are so very important. What’s your friend's impact on you? Are your friends helping you, or are they harming you? Are they making you better or worse? And what’s your impact on your friends? Are you helping or harming your friends? Are you making them better, or are you making them worse?

Think of two guys from the Bible with very similar names—Jonathan and Jonadab. They were both involved in various ways in the life of David and his family. Jonathan was the son of King Saul, a dear friend of David. Even when Jonathan’s father was trying to kill David, Jonathan loved David and was a dear friend to him. The Bible says that at one point, when David was being hounded, when he was on the run and very discouraged, Jonathan went to him and “helped him find strength in God” (1 Samuel 23:16). What a tremendous thing to say about a friend—that he went to you when you were in your greatest need and he strengthened your heart in God. That’s what a good friendship can do for you.

Now take Jonadab. The name sounds like Jonathan, but he was a totally different man. Jonadab was a friend of David’s son Amnon. Amnon had a problem—he was crazy about his half-sister Tamar. She was a gorgeous girl, and he just had to have her. He wanted her so much. One day Amnon spoke to Jonadab, his friend, about that. And Jonadab said, “No problem, I can tell you how to get what you want.”

Right there is where the friendship had a terrible impact. When somebody says, “Oh, I’ve got to have my half-sister. She’s so cute. I’ve got to have her,” a true friend says, “What are you talking about? That’s crazy! You’ve got to stay away from her.” But instead, Jonadab says, “You want her? Here’s what you do. You pretend you're sick. You lie in bed all day. Don’t eat anything, don’t drink anything. And send a message to your dad, King David, and tell him, ‘I think I might be able to eat just a little bit if you just send my sister Tamar to bring me some food.’ And you know how your dad is—he spoils you. Just have him do that. And then when she comes in to bring you the food, you’ve got her.”

And so that’s what Amnon did. He faked his illness. Tamar brought him a little bit of food, and when she brought it in, he grabbed her and he raped her (2 Samuel 13:1–14). Well, within a few years, Amnon was dead because Tamar’s brother Absalom was furious about that, of course. And so he arranged, and then personally murdered, Amnon (2 Samuel 13:28–29).

That’s the kind of friend Jonadab was. He told his friend how to commit rape. And still today, you can find some guys who are bragging about their sexual conquests or encouraging one another in sexual assault or doing terrible things.

What kind of friends do you have? “The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

Friends have a huge impact. If you want to know where your life is headed, one way to get a good idea is to see what kind of people you’re hanging out with. Are you hanging out with people who give good advice or who lead you astray? Are you hanging out with the wise or with fools? If you're hanging out with the wise, you’re going to become wise. If you’re hanging out with fools, you’re going to suffer harm.

The Bible says to avoid bad friends: “My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them” (Proverbs 1:10). That’s a whole chapter in Proverbs, where a big part of the message is simply—don’t join a gang. Yes, 3,000 years ago there were gangs, and still today there are gangs—groups of people who commit violence, say they’re all buds with each other, but lead each other into terrible things. Don’t join a gang.

“Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips” (Proverbs 14:7). “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, ^25or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24–25). When you get somebody who’s a hothead, and you’re always hanging around him, you’re likely to turn out to be a hothead. If you hang around with a dunce, you’re likely to become a dunce. So the Bible just says bluntly: avoid bad friends.

Now, there may be a situation where you would hang around with people who are bad—but not because they make you feel comfortable and you want to hang out with them, but because you’re trying to help them. The Lord Jesus Christ Himself hung out with sinners and some very bad people. But He didn’t hang out with prostitutes in order to encourage them to be prostitutes. He didn’t hang out with thieves and ripoff artists to encourage them in thievery and ripping people off. He hung out with them to help them know that they could be forgiven and that they could change.

And here too, if you want to hang out with the wrong kind of people, you better make sure you have the right kind of motives. Because if you’re hanging out with the wrong people for the wrong reasons, they’re going to suck you in, and they’re going to wreck your life.

Some of you already know that. Some people end up in prison because of the people they hung out with. And when they get out of prison, they hang out with the same crowd again, and they wind up right back in trouble. If you want to change the direction of your life, you may need to change the people you hang out with.

A true friend gives good advice.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” What’s that mean? Well, sometimes friends tell you truth that hurts. It wounds you. It hurts your feelings, but they’re telling you because they love you. “But an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). An enemy might flatter you to manipulate you and get what they want.

“The pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9). So people who are willing to love you and tell you the truth—even when it hurts a little—are the kind of friends you need.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). When iron sharpens iron, sometimes a few sparks fly. And sometimes in a good, close friendship there may be times when it becomes a little bit heated, but it’s for your own good—if it’s a true friend and a true follower of Jesus.

When you have close friends, treasure them. “Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you—better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away” (Proverbs 27:10). When disaster strikes, you won’t have to ask your brother for assistance. It’s better to go to a neighbor than to a brother who lives far away.

When you have friends who are close, they can often be of more benefit to you than relatives who are far away. And that’s true geographically. Some of us live very far from where we grew up. We’re a long ways—thousands of miles away—from our close family. And so we need friends who are nearer to help us and to encourage us.

Sometimes it’s not a matter of distance in miles. Sometimes we’re relationally distant. We’re just not very close with our family members for various reasons. Or we may be very distant spiritually. If they have been walking in the ways of wickedness or been living without the Lord, and we’ve come to know the Lord, then there’s a great spiritual distance—and we can’t really count on them to be a spiritual encouragement. Then it’s better to have a neighbor who’s close by than a relative who is spiritually or relationally very distant.

So family matters a great deal, but sometimes your friends can make up for some of the things that your family can’t do for you. And when you have close friends, guard that friendship, because always there will be things that come along that try to wreck friendships.

“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28). Somebody comes along and says to you something very negative about your friend—don’t believe it right away. Sometimes there are just troublemakers who are trying to cause division. And sometimes even if what is said about your friend is true, don’t let it be the main thing about your relationship.

“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9). A fault might be pointed out—and in any close relationship, come on—we’re going to find out things that are off about each other, things that are flaws, things that irritate us about each other. But when we discover those, do we just trash the friendship? No. You forgive a fault. You don’t dwell on that same fault and let it separate and ruin your friendship.

Guard your friendships. They’re precious. That’s part of relational fitness—keep on loving. Even when gossips try to separate you, keep on loving. Even when you know that something is wrong with them—or something’s wrong with you—keep on loving anyway.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). A friend in need is a friend indeed, as the old saying goes. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

You are blessed if you have a friend like that. And you know what? If you belong to Jesus, you have at least one friend like that already—a friend who sticks closer than a brother, a friend who even laid down his life for you when you didn’t deserve it.

Our Lord Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ^14You are my friends if you do what I command. ^15I no longer call you servants… Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:13–15).

Psalm 25 says, “The friendship of the Lord is with those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them” (Psalm 25:14). When God established His great covenant with Abraham, the Bible says that Abraham was called God’s friend (Isaiah 41:8; 2 Chronicles 20:7; James 2:23).

What a joy, what a privilege it is to be a friend of God and to have Jesus as a friend who had such love that He even laid down His life for us and calls us His friends. Ultimately, when we think about friendship, that’s what it’s about—to experience something of the friendship of Jesus, and then to show something of the friendship of Jesus in the way we relate to others.

Be the kind of friend that Jesus is. Be willing to sacrifice for your friends—to lay down your life, if necessary, for them.

So again, evaluate your friendships. What are your friends doing to you? What’s their impact on you? Are they helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse? And what’s your impact on them? Are you helping or harming them? Are you making them better or worse?

Think about that. Relational fitness doesn’t mean just going with the flow, hanging out with people, and whatever happens, happens. It means that I’m very intentional about hanging out with some people who can build me up and make me better. And in my relationships to others, I’m looking for ways to build them up and make them better in every way.

You’re working to have the Christ-life in you be displayed and be of benefit to others. Christ lives in you, so let your relationships be Christ-centered. Display the life of Jesus in relationships, starting with your family and your friends. If Christ lives in them—if He lives in your family members and friends—then recognize that Christ-life in them and nurture Christ in them and do whatever you can to encourage Christ to be formed in them.

As the Bible puts it, “My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you” (Galatians 4:19).

Each family role, each friendship, is designed to say something about Christ. We’ve seen that husband and wife are reflecting something about the relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:25–32). The way that a child relates to a parent pictures something of the way that God the Son, Jesus Christ, relates to God the Father. And the way that we relate to one another as friends shows something of how Jesus Christ laid down His life for His friends.

So if you want to have truly healthy relationships—if you want to be relationally fit—then let Christ, the center of your life, radiate and flow out from you in your relationships to others, so that His life flows into those relationships, blesses your family, blesses your friends. And find people who are likewise Christ-centered who can build you up. Then you’ll be strengthened. Then you’ll be able to reach out to family members who don’t yet know Christ, to friends who don’t yet know Him. And instead of being dragged into their orbit and ruined by them, you can instead have the power and life of Christ to draw and attract them to the life of Jesus.

 

Family and Friends
By David Feddes
Slide Contents

Evaluate family ties

• Family’s impact on you: 
Is your family helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse?
• Your impact on family
: Are you helping or harming your family? Are you making them better or worse?

Impact of spouse

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. (12:4)

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. (31:10-11)

Marriage portrait

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Eph 5:22-25)

Headship is NOT:

• Being superior and having more worth or wisdom than your wife
• Bullying or forcing wife to submit
• Independent of God’s authority or the authority of church and government
• Ignoring wife’s wishes and wisdom
• Insisting on your own way
• Making every decision, being an control freak, and never delegating

Headship IS:

• Self-sacrificing love that pictures the self-sacrificing Head of the church
• Gently providing and caring for wife
• Protecting and empowering your wife to flourish in beauty, joy, and holiness
• Being considerate of your wife’s wishes, weakness, and strengths
• Taking the lead in example and action
• Making tough decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences

Submission is NOT:

• Regarding the husband as smarter, better, or worth more than the wife
• Going along with your husband’s cruelty and pretending his sin is okay
• Disobeying God to obey husband
• Being passive and stifling creativity
• Keeping quiet and never questioning, criticizing, or advising your husband
• Doing nothing without first getting husband’s permission, and doing nothing beyond home

Submission IS:

• Submitting to Jesus and picturing the church’s submission to her Savior
• Wanting to honor husband’s authority and embrace his leadership
• Supporting your husband to help him reach his potential as a man of God
• Compatible with thinking for yourself
• More effective than nagging, if a husband needs to be won over from ungodly ways
• Powered by calm contentment in Christ
  (Source: Sam Storms, The Hope of Glory)
  

Winning without words

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1-2)

Harming home and self

He who commits adultery lacks sense;
he who does it destroys himself. (6:32)

A man who strays from home is like a bird that strays from its nest. (27:8)

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it. (Eph 5:28-29)

Be good parents

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

Training or tyranny?

Rebuking: correcting, private
Raging: insulting, public

Disciplining: fair, loving, limited
Damaging: bullying, bodily injury

Directing: instruction, example
Dominating: rigid control

Follow good parents

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching… for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. (Proverbs 1:8; 3:1-2)

The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures. (Proverbs 30:17)

Don’t follow bad parents

Do not be like your fathers… they did not pay attention to me. (Zech 1:4)

You always resist the Holy Spirit. As your fathers did, so do you. (Acts 7:51)

You were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers. (1 Peter 1:18)

Family is not destiny

The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself. (Ezekiel 18:20)

Flourishing families

Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. (17:6)

The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice! (23:24-25)

Evaluate family ties

• Family’s impact on you: 
Is your family helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse?
• Your impact on family: 
Are you helping or harming your family? Are you making them better or worse?

Evaluate friendships

• Friends’ impact on you
: Are your friends helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse?
• Your impact on friends: 
Are you helping or harming your friends? Are you making them better or worse?

Impact of friends

The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.(Proverbs 12:26)

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. (Proverbs 13:20)

Avoid bad friends

My son, if sinners entice you, turn your back on them! (1:10)

Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips.(14:7)

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man… or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. (22:24-25)

Friendly advice

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy… the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel… (27:6, 9)

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (27:17)

Close friends

Never abandon a friend—either yours or your father’s. When disaster strikes, you won’t have to ask your brother for assistance. It’s better to go to a neighbor than to a brother who lives far away. (27:6-10)

Guarding friendship

A troublemaker plants seeds of strife;
gossip separates the best of friends.(16:28)

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (17:9)

Faithful friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (17:17)

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (18:24)

Ultimate friendship

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command… I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15:13-15)

Evaluate friendships

• Friends’ impact on you
: Are your friends helping or harming you? Are they making you better or worse?
• Your impact on friends
: Are you helping or harming your friends? Are you making them better or worse?

Christ-centered

• Christ lives in you, so display His life in relationships—starting with family and friends.
• If Christ lives in family and friends, then nurture Christ in them.
• Each family role and friendship says something about Christ.