Video Transcript: How To Do Your First Meeting

Hi, again, my name is Steve Elzinga. This is the coaching class. And in this session I want to  deal with how do you how do you do your first meeting? This isn't exhaustive by any means.  But I just want to give you a few tips about having your first meeting with a client. First of all, I think you need to explain to your client, what coaching is, go over some of the things that we  talked about in the very first couple of sessions. There, we talked about what coaching is not.  Because people, your client might not know exactly what it is, maybe he read some of the  literature you gave on it. But it's just good to go over some of these things so that they don't  misinterpret some of the expectations. So coaching is not pastoral care, the pastoral care, the general care offered by the pastor or the staff. Coaching is not counseling, which is a more  professional specific care offered by pastor or counseling staff goes into, you know, the past  goes into why things are the way they are, it is more centered on understanding the situation  and understanding a problem or a relationship. Coaching is not teaching or training or  discipleship, helping someone learn how to do something, this is not the place where we  teach skills, and you know how to listen and how to deal with certain relationships, where  you're doing the training that your client needs, needs a lesson on something. Coaching isn't  number four, mentoring, the process of helping someone acquire skills and attitudes, and be  picked behaviors already mastered by the mentor. In mentoring, there's a lot of  demonstrating this is how you do something, if I'm mentoring someone in music, they watch  me do something and then I have them try it. And then it's a little bit of back and forth.  Ultimately, I'm trying to help them learn how to do what I already know how to do. But  coaching does include some of these things. It does include caring, like pastoral care, but But  it's more about challenge than comfort. Okay, you can you can care for people. When you  challenge them, it's just a different way of of caring for them. Number two, it's like counseling, but it's it's like care to a specific need or counseling. But it's more about the future than the  past. It's more about what your client could or should do in the future, not about why or what  happened in the past. Coaching includes number three, teaching, training and discipling, but  is more about helping the client teach themselves. Than the coach teaching the client, in  teaching training discipling, I'm trying to train someone, I'm the trainer, I'm trying to do the  training. But here the coach, I'm trying to ask questions and do things in such a way that the  client actually ends up teaching him or herself. Number four, is coaching includes mentoring,  but is less about the client becoming like the mentor, and more about the client becoming  what he or she could become, with a little bit of help. So it's not these things. But it does  include these things. I think it's just good to remind your first time client these things because he needs to understand that you're you are not going to be doing things in ways that he  might expect his he he's used to people giving advice is used to people trying to push in a  certain direction. He's not used to having to do the hard work himself or herself. Okay, other  thoughts on coaching that you might share? Number one, coaching is about action, not  understanding. Number two, coaching is client directed, not teacher directed. You're letting  the client know that that he or she is in the driver's seat. I'm going to help bring something  out of you. I'm not going to be the one supplying the answers if the if we're going to figure out answers the answers are going to come from you. And I'm just going to help make that  happen. Number three, coaching is not about getting the client to do what the coach wants.  But what the client wants to see, I want I want these expectations. Coaching is about action,  not understanding. Coaching is client directed not teacher directed coaching is not about  getting the client to do what the coach wants. But what the client wants, I want my client  right up front to know that this is the kind of thing that we're going to be doing. coaching  number four, coaching is not about motivating the client, it is helping the client motivate  themselves, the clients motivate themselves. Again, I'm not in the driver's seat, I'm trying to  help you take control of your life. prerequisites to coaching, I'd want to remind my client, this  is the first meeting, you don't have to do this every time. But in the first meeting, that there's  there's things I the coach am assuming about you, the client. And if, if I'm wrong about that,  then we we have to do some precoaching work. Prerequisite number one, that, that my client  has a saving connection to Jesus, if my client does not have a saving connection to Jesus, then I'm not sure this coaching thing is going to work well, because I'm expecting my client to have something inside of them. And I want Christ at the center of their being. If they're, if I'm going

to allow them to figure out their their own solutions. Number two, that my client has received  the gift of the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is in them. And I can ask questions like, What is  the Spirit of God been telling you in this last week? Where do you think the Holy Spirit is  trying to lead you or push you or nudge you? Do you have a sense of the Holy Spirit speaking  to you at all? Questions like that, I want to be able to ask some of those as a Christian coach.  Number three, is that the client has a walk with God, I expect that the person I'm trying to  coach is talking and listening to God every day that they're into the word listening to what  God has to say that they're daily in prayer, God, what do you have for me, so that in the  coaching session, I can say, there wasn't anything in the Word of God that that helped you  that that is sort of pushing you or pointing you in a certain direction, we want God in the  middle of all this coaching thing. So they have to have a walk with God in order for that to  happen. And if they don't, then we need to do something about that. Number four, that my  client is a part of a church. That's a prerequisite why, because I can put all this effort into  someone I can try to coach and help you succeed at something. But unless you're part of a  support system, then then when I'm done, you're done. We don't go forward without people  that are trying to all do the same thing, our chances of success goes way up, when we're part  of a group that that's trying to do something. And number five, someone who's engaged in  the seven connections that has a daily walk for a personal walk with God. If they're married,  they have a marriage walk with God, if they have a family, they have a family walk with God.  They have support him friends in their walk with God. They're part of a church. They're  interconnected with the kingdom, that they're trying to be connection seven, they're trying to  be a witness to people in the world. So we want people that are fully engaged in the Christian  lifestyle. Because otherwise, you know, because it's client centered. I'm trusting this client to  figure out good things, but he's not doing the right things to make that happen. Alright, the  client has to be willing to take responsibility. Most of my career in counseling and pastoral  care, I was the one chasing people down. The one making the phone calls, the ones saying,  hey, when can we meet? If they call and cancel, I'm the one that calls to reschedule. I'm the  one checking in. Hey, are you okay? I'm the one stopping in by their house. The responsibility  is on me. In coaching you I put the responsibility on your client. But you need to tell them up  front that this is different. I'm not chasing you. I'm not going after you. If appointments need  to be made, you're the one that has to call. So at number one, you're responsible for all  appointments, you make the call you connect to me. If my phone is busy, you're the one that  has to call again. Number two make all the connections the appointments, phone calls, text  messages, okay, you need to be in the driver's seat, don't make me the one that's following  up on you, you follow up on me, you need to take responsibility to see, that's what we're  trying to help, we're trying to help the client take responsibility for their own life. That's why  they need a coach to help them do that. So we don't want to make them dependent on us. Be on time. It's the client's responsibility to be on time. It's not my not my responsibility. Number  four, it's, it's the client's responsibility to engage in the process, we're going to try to do  things we're going to try to figure out, you know, areas of your life where you, you know, from talking to the client areas in your life where you can improve or where you're experiencing  pain or suffering, and we want to do something about it, we're going to come up with goals  and plans to meet the goals and we're going to hold you accountable. And you have to be  willing to go through all that, you have to engage in the process, rather than just sit on your  hands and do nothing. The client has to be willing to make the process a priority, okay, for  going to meet every week or every other week, and I'm going to try to hold you accountable  for the things that you want to do. This thing has to be a priority, when we're meeting  together, we will just be wasting their time if if you're not going to make it a priority. Now this  is this is a decision that the client has to make. Because generally clients are overwhelmed  with life, and they have more things that they should do than they have time to do. And now  they have another meeting that they didn't have before they now they have to meet with this  coach. And so are they willing to do that? And are they willing to make what what we're trying to do in this coaching relationship? Are they willing to make that a priority in their life over  against all the other things? So, you know, I know the client already has more than he can  handle. But But is this coaching business going to be moved up in terms on the priority list. 

client has to be willing to make a priority process the process or priority, the appointments,  the action steps, if we come up with action steps for the next week, these things have to be a  priority, even though the client may have all kinds of other things that they have to get done.  The client must be willing to pay for the coaches time. Okay, it's a good thing to talk about  money. And don't be afraid of money. This. You let let the client know that he's engaged in a  process that may change his life. He's been experiencing nothing but failure up to this point.  And so you're going to try to help him. And if anytime he wants to stop, he can stop. Introduce coaching models, introduce the client to the coaching models matrix. I have that attached in  this lesson in all this. It's just an Excel spreadsheet. And all it does is list all the models that  we talked about earlier sessions, and the models on trying to help a client figure out what  area of life they want to do something about there was the seven connections model, there  was the areas of life model. That was the dream model. The commitment side, there's  throwing mud on the wall model, there's the shotgun approach, there's all these different  there were all these different names for all these different models. And all a model is is a way  to think about the question. So if you're trying to figure out, you know what goal to have in  your life, the models just help a client think about where in the world they can start thinking  about what they want to do. And because there's a lot of stuff. Where do I even begin? Well,  let's start with the seven connections. You can show your client, this matrix, and it lists all of  them. And they can look at it and we can say all these things are available to us. And as we  go, we'll use more and more of these. But in the first session, I would not use the the matrix. I  would simply use simple the most simple questions that you can ask. So start without models  use simple questions. Three things coaches do remember these are the three things help the  client figure out what they want to do some area of life they want to change or improve and  make a decision of what that might be. Number two help the client figure out how to do what  they want to that's making a plan. And then number three, help the client do the plan that  they chose to do And as management. So there's just simple questions that go with these.  How do you help a client figure out what they want to do? What goal to go after? Number  one? Is, is simple questions that you can start with in your very first session. So start with  where in your life, do you think it would be helpful to have a coach? This is just a broad  general question. And maybe they can't figure it out and see, that's what coaching models  are for when a person can't figure out how to answer these simple questions, then you can  help them with these models, but don't help them at first, start with something like this very  broad, where in your life do you think would be helpful to have a coach? Well, they are going  to start thinking about areas where they struggle, or where in your life are you hurting? Okay,  so this is a more directive. Question, were in your life are you hurting? Well, everyone's  hurting somewhere. That's a good place to start. Where in your life, would you like to see  some improvement, so you maybe maybe you're not hurting in this area, but it's an area  where you would like to see some improvement in your parenting your relationship to God or  in your ministry, or wherever it might be. So these are just three really broad questions that  sort of help someone figure out where their whole life they want to start working on  something. Number two, is another co option. Of all the answers that you came up with to the above questions, which would you like to focus on? So in the first three questions, is sort of a  brainstorming approach a brainstorming model? Where, where in your life, you need a coach,  where in your life are you hurting? Where in your life? Would you like to see some  improvement? And maybe your client lists all kinds of things, and get four or five things?  Okay, so out of these four or five things, which one of these stands out to you? Which one, do  you feel like the most motivated to do something about or in maybe a positively motivated or  negatively motivated? Okay, number three, what action goal might come out of this? So in the process of these simple questions, we're moving the client from a problem or an area of  growth needs in their life, to figure out what specifically what area they want to do. And then  finally, what kind of goals might satisfy that need, or might help move you towards doing  something about this problem that you want to solve? Right, then the second thing that that  coach does is they help the client figure out how to do what they want to do. So you have a  goal. But how do you reach this goal you want you want a better marriage? But what are the  steps that you are willing to engage in that will help you reach that goal? So here's some very

just simple questions. There's, there's the matrix again, all these models of trying to help  people do the second thing. But start, how would you start in your first session with these  simple questions? What action steps would you like to take toward reaching your desired  goal? Get the client thinking about action steps, here's the goal. But how does that goal  translate into action steps? Number two, what might be the first step? I mean, there might be  many steps. But where where do you think you can start? So that's dealing with the plan.  Then the third thing that that that coaches do with their clients, is they help them manage the plan that they've already decided about. So help the client do what they plan to do. That's a  management things. Again, there's models that you can use, but I'm suggesting just use  these simple questions, what action steps that you believe will help you move toward your  stated goal and hold you accountable for our next meeting. Okay, so now I'm just asking a  simple question. I'm not using any models or different ways of thinking about this, but I'm just simply asking, Okay, before we meet again, you have this goal, you have the beginnings of a  plan. What are you going to do before we meet again next week? That's really what you want. It's just as simple as that. What what is the thing that you are going to try to do by next  week's meeting? So again, the whole push is towards some action steps. And that's it. That's  it for your first meeting. Give it a try.