Video Transcript: Life Coach Minister Characteristics

Hello, my name is Steve Elzinga. And I want to talk about coaching characteristics. The top 10 characteristics is probably many more. But if you have these characteristics, they will bode  well for you. In your coaching experience. The first and probably most important  characteristic of a coach, you're trying to help people, you're trying to help people make  decisions about their lives, help people figure out what to do with some of the problems,  places in their lives, where they're struggling, or perhaps areas in their lives where they just  want to improve, or they want to expand or they want to take something to the next level.  The most important characteristic of a, a commissioned coaching minister, which is sort of  unique to Christian leaders Institute, is that you're a god Walker, that what I mean by a god  Walker is someone that is walking with daily walking daily with God, John 15:5, Jesus said, I  am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit  apart from me, you can do nothing. Okay, so you're trying to help someone, but without Jesus  as part of your life, you can do nothing, and this is true for the coach. But it's also true for the  person that you're coaching. If Jesus isn't a part of their life, then ultimately, they're not going to be successful. So it's very important that both coach and the person being coached, are  walking with God, Matthew 15:14, if the blind lead, the blind, both will fall into the pit. If  you're not walking with God, or if the person you're trying to help, is not walking with God,  then we have two blind people trying to help each other. That doesn't work very well. Number two, patient characteristic of a coach is someone who is very patient, Proverbs 19:11, a  person's wisdom yields patience, it is to one's glory to overlook an offence. Now, you're not  necessarily overlooking an offence when you coach someone, but but you'll find when you're  coaching someone and you're trying to help a client, figure out what they want to do, or, or  there's a problem and you're trying to help the client figure out the problem, the tendency is  to is to see what their you know, your client maybe comes up with a possible solution, that's  not a very good one. And you want to say that you want to jump in and say, well, that's not a  very good one, let's think of something else. But then you're taking over, you want the client  to be able to figure things out. And so you have to trust you have to be patient with the  process that the client will actually get to where he or she needs to be. So sometimes you  have to overlook, you know, kind of a poor solution that your client comes up with, you have  to let that sit there and keep asking questions. Keep asking the client to think about the  problem. Is there another solution? Are there other solutions? Let's look at some other  possibilities. Because, you know, the best solution may be yet forthcoming. So you're not  telling them that the solution they came up with is a bad one is just saying, let's explore  more. Let's try to put as many solutions or possible solutions as we can down and then we  can pick the best. And who knows, maybe we haven't figured out the best one yet. So you  have to be patient to do that. Proverbs 25:15, through patience, a ruler can be persuaded,  and a gentle tongue can break a bone. All this verse is saying is that patience is very  powerful. If you're patient with your client, eventually your client may get to the best solution. So you have to hold back you have to hold back on trying to save them. Give them the  answer. We had a little coaching thing yesterday and you know, the tendency to want to give  the answer is very strong for a coach, but you have to be patient trusting that the process will eventually yield the best solution. Ecclesiastes 7:8, the end of a matter is better than its  beginning and patience is better than pride. I Timothy 1:16, But for that very reason I was  shown mercy. This is Paul talking, I was shown mercy so that in me The worst of sinners Christ Jesus might display his immense patience. As an example for those who would, who would  believe in Him and receive eternal life. Paul's talking about how God was patient, Paul was an  enemy of the cross, he was the enemy of Christianity. But But God was patient with Paul, Paul  learned all kinds of things. And in the end, God used those things that Paul learned for His  kingdom, and for His glory. So as as, as coaches, we need to have that same kind of patience,  the same kind of patience that God has with each one of us. God is patient with us, He's given us gifts and abilities, but we don't always apply those gifts and abilities very well. And it's  over a long period of time, God being patient with us. And finally, God uses us to the extent  that he wants to. Alright. Humility, humility, Philippians 2:5-11, in your relationships with one  another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in very nature, God did not  consider equality with God, something to be used to his advantage. Rather, he made himself 

nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being  found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even  death on a cross. Okay, so Jesus, in a way is showing us how to lead, He humbled Himself, He  could have, you know, claimed his status, he could have gone in there and said, You know, I'm the son of God, this is the way it is. But that's not what he did. And so as a coach too you  could come in and say, I've had a lot of experience. Let me solve your problems for you. Let  me show you and tell you exactly what you need and fix your problems. And you can send  them on their way. But you're not taking all the knowledge that you have, and just  downloading it on your client. You're holding it back. You're doing like what Jesus did he, he  held it back. He didn't take it, as far as he could take it. But notice also, it says, Therefore, so  Jesus humbled himself. But what did God do? Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place, and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee  should bow, in heaven and on earth, and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledged  that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father, Jesus humbled himself, but what  happened? God exalted him. And that's what happens in coaching. If you humble yourself,  and you don't download everything, you know, and solve all the problems for your client, but  you through questions and patience, allow your client to figure out some things for  themselves. In the end, you as the coach will be exalted. Because when your client figures out things for himself, he'll Thank you, he'll thanks the process that you brought them through,  you will get the credit you will get exalted in the end. But you will only be exalted if you go  through the humility, part, withholding everything, you know, not being the answer, man, not  being the expert on everything, but allowing your client to, to struggle through the problem  and figure things out for themselves. But notice also, it says here in Philippians 2, therefore,  God exalted him Christ, to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every  name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth, and under  the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the  Father. So Jesus humbles himself, but God, the Father, exalts him. And that's, that's really how it goes. In coaching. you humble yourself, you're not the answer, man. You're not the one with all the solutions. You're not the smart one, with all your experience and all the stories and  everything that you've experienced and sort of downloading on your client all these things  and sending him on his way. And then you know, then probably lifting up your hands going,  I've helped another person. No, you come and you exalt yourself, you have patience. You you  let the client figure out some of his own problems. You ask enough questions, and you're  patient and you take the time to understand what's going on. And you help the client  understand his own situation, so that he comes up with his own solution, you exalt Your  clients. But what happens if you do that? Your client exalts you, your client, when, when you  will, when the process of coaching allows him to figure out what he needs to do. And then he  finally does it. And he's more willing to do it, because he's the one who thought about it. And  he's more willing more likely to be successful. He comes back and thanks you. He lifts you up. That's how real leadership works. That's how it works in the church. You know, when I preach  on Sunday morning, if someone comes up afterwards, and they tell me, Oh, that was  awesome. That was a great sermon. You know, they're putting me on a pedestal. And then the next week I preach and they don't come up and say anything. So then I wonder was this one  not very good. See, when when, when people come to you and exalt you, and they put you on a pedestal, then it's kind of scary on the pedestal, and you worry about falling off the high  pedestal. But when someone comes up to me after a service and says, you know, that sermon really helped me, it lifted me up. Now, where am I? I'm under them. I'm not above them. I'm  not exalted. I'm all below them lifting, I'm exalting them. And that, it feels a lot better. I'm not  put on a pedestal. You know, that's real servant. Leadership. And that's really what coaching  is. Okay, number four, a fourth characteristic of being a good coach, you have to be a listener, a good listener, James 1:18-20, he chose us to give us birth through the word of truth that we  might be, we might be kind of firstfruits of all he created. My dear brothers and sisters, take  note of this, everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. That is that that is the  verse you should write down and have it get a little card, made up and sitting on your desk, if  you're going to do coaching, be quick to listen, slow to speak. In the coaching process, your 

client should be doing most of the speaking, if you're doing most of the speaking, then you're  robbing your client of his ability in his job of trying to figure out things for himself or for  herself. You have to be a questioner, that's another characteristic of a coach, you listen, and  you ask questions. And part of what makes you a good listener is being a good? Questioner.  You ask a question. And now, your client has to answer that question. John 1:38, turning  around Jesus saw them following and asked, What do you want? Jesus, some 100, and some  questions that Jesus asked. In the Bible, Jesus was good at asking people who do men say that I am? A lot of questions. So you got to be a questioner. Here's the basic questions that a  coach asks this is like the three things that coaches do. Number one, what do you want to do? What problem area? Or what opportunity? Or what place? You know, what area? Do you want  to go to the next level in? But ultimately, what do you want to do? That's a question that you  keep coming back to. The client might be talking about a bad relationship, and they want to  explain and you, you know, you're ruminating about, you know, what they're going through,  but ultimately, you keep coming back to you, okay? But what do you want to do? A lot of  people want to keep wallowing in their problems, they want to talk about it, and they need to  talk about it. But after a while, you finally have to get to so what do you want to do about it?  We can talk about it, we can feel bad about it. But ultimately, what do you want to do about  it? Number two? How do you want to do it want to do what you want to do? What's the plan,  there might be three or four different ways of tackling this issue. So which way do you want to go with it? And finally, how's it going? So when you meet them again, how's it going? Did it  work? Did you do what you said you're going to do? So that's more on the management side.  But all of these are questions. These are just questions that you give to the client and now  they have to respond. Number six, a characteristic of being a good coach is being a  cheerleader. You're the encourager, you're the one saying you can do that. You're the one  saying Good job. You're the one saying, you know, so proud of you, John 14:12-14, Very truly I  tell you, Jesus said, Whoever believes in me will do the work I have been doing and they will  do even greater things than these I mean, this is Jesus speaking to His disciples, you will do  greater things than I'm doing. Now that's encouragement that saying, I believe in you. And  that's, that's a characteristic that a coach has to have, you have to believe that the client has  to have this sense that you believe in them, that they can do it, or they won't do it. And that's why it's important that you don't download all kinds of information. If you download all kinds  of information on them, they will get the impression that you are the smart one, and they are  not. And if they have that sense, then they won't dare say anything, they won't dare try to  figure out their own problems, because they're in the presence of an incredibly smart  counselor type person. So that's why you have to refrain you have to have that patience  again, and cheerlead them when they you know, in the beginning, maybe they're they're a  little timid, maybe their solutions aren't that good. You can think of three or four or five better  solutions than what they've thought you don't, but you have to resist downloading those  things on them. Because you're trying to build up their sense of who they are. And that takes  some time, maybe, maybe in the beginning, their solutions out there aren't that good, but you encourage them, encourage them every step along the way, that you encourage them, when  things don't go well you encourage them when things do go well. And over time, they learn  how to be better at this. Ultimately, you're trying to work yourself out of a job. Philippians 1:3- 6, I thank my God every time I remember you. Okay, Paul is being incredibly encouraging. In  all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy. When I think about you, Joy comes to  mind, because of your partnership in the Gospel from the first day until now Being confident  of this, that He who began a good work in you, God who began a good work, and you will  carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. If you can see a beginning, if you can  see that God has started something good, you can be confident that God will complete what  he has started. So you see that in your client, you may bring up this verse in him. Because  people get discouraged that they come up with a plan. They're really excited. And they go off  and do it and it falls flat. It doesn't go the way they expected. That's often the case in life, and they come back to you and they're all discouraged. My plans are no good. What I come up  with is no good. Nothing worked. You know what? What worked a little bit? Was there anything positive in this experience. And if there is, see, that is God beginning a good work in you and 

God will complete it. we can have confidence that God will complete this thing in you. It might take a while. It might be a process. It may be an up and down thing, but God will complete it.  Have confidence. You're the cheerleader number seven, your persistant. You keep at it.  Because you know when you're trying to help someone who has not been able to help  themselves, and that's why they come to you. They've experienced a lot of failure. And they  may experience some more failure, even with your help. But if you persist Philippians 3:10-14, I want to know Christ. Yes. I want to know the power of his resurrection, and their participation in his sufferings. They don't go as always that well. There's suffering, there's setbacks,  becoming like him in his death. And so somehow attaining to the resurrection from the dead,  not that I've already attained all this, or ever arrived at my goal. See that's, you want your  client to have this attitude? I haven't yet figured it out. I haven't yet. You know, made it  happen. But I press on. I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Again, God began something in you and he will complete it. Brothers and sisters I do not  consider myself yet to have taken hold of this is the apostle Paul talking. So if your client feels this way, well, he's in good company. But one thing I do Forgetting what is behind Okay, yeah, it hasn't worked out in your past. You've tried many times and you failed. Okay. That was the  past Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on? That has to be  sort of the motto of your relationship with your your client, we press on it we hit obstacles,  but we keep going we we press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Number, number eight, you have to be in the curious explorer. Okay, many of us as pastors, counselors and so on, we're so used to giving advice. We have a lot of experience with people, we've seen a lot of things, we know how things go. And we  want to, we want to dump all kinds of advice on people. And we've earned it, you know, we've lived so much of life that we just want to share, we've been there. And so we want to, we  want to tell people about it. What I'm saying is in coaching that can get in the way, you  become the star and not, not the client. So what you need to do is, is replace that desire to  give advice, with a curious mind, a desire to explore, I just want to understand you, I want to  know more about what you're talking about. So when your client is talking about, you know,  wanting to improve his marriage, okay, tell me about your marriage. I'm curious about your  marriage. I want to know everything about it, I want to know how it goes. I want to know how  you feel about it. I want to know what you what you want out of it. I want to know how you  met, I want to know, I'm curious. I want to explore your life, I want to know more. See, you  can become an expert in this, instead of giving advice. You're helping your clients, look at the  thing that he wants to change. You're helping him look at every angle. And the only way he's  going to look at every angle is if you're genuinely curious about it, I want to know, please tell  me more. And that process of him telling you all these things, because you want to know  these things. It helps him finally think about it for himself. And put everything on the table.  And you help them arrange things and you help them you know, sort of focus on what he  needs to focus on. You're listening for emotion words, you're you're listening for when he says  something that that sparks your interest? And then you bring it up? Hey, that's really  interesting. Can you tell me more about that? Hey, that's really interesting. Can you tell me  more about that? That solution? I've never heard that before? Can you elaborate on that? You  have to be a curious explorer. Number nine, characteristic of being a good coach, a learner,  you're always in the learning space. Matthew 28, Jesus said these words to His disciples  before He ascended into heaven. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, Coach, in  some ways, all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  And then these words and teaching them to obey everything I've commanded you. I've taught you things. Now, I want you to teach them things, you know, the only way that the disciples  could do that is if they learned it themselves. And notice that it says, teaching them to obey,  that we tend to think of teaching as like just downloading all kinds of information. But  teaching someone to obey is more of an example, when you teach your kids how to obey. It's  more your example to them that that teaches them what they ought to do, than the words  that you speak. But in order to help someone, you need to be a learner yourself. And this is  especially true of the specialization badges that we that we're going to talk about. Coaching is mainly trying to help someone figure out what they want to do about some problem or some 

area that they want to go to the next level in. But there is a time where you take off your  coaching hat, and you may put on the pre marriage counseling hat. Or you may have put on  the parenting hat, where you actually have to teach some people things. That's what our  specialization courses are all about, about helping you at least know something about. So if I  was going to do pre marriage counseling, there's things that I need to teach the couple. And  then I can do the coaching thing with them. But what do you want to do with all these things  that I've now taught you about pre marriage, the pre marriage situation, there's things on  communication sometimes that you have to teach someone. There's things on, you know,  time management that that often you have to teach someone. Let me give you the basics of  time management, and then we'll talk about well what you want to do with it. And then I go  put the coaching hat back on again. But in order to be able to do that you have to be the  learner. You have to learn these things yourself. And finally, number 10. If you're going to be a good coach, you need to be people smart, what is people smart people smart is just being  smart about dealing with people, when to say things, when not to say things, when to be  encouraging, when to be silent, when to talk, those kinds of things. Philemon, I think is an  incredible book on this people smart thing. In fact, I wrote a whole book about this. Paul has a  problem with Philemon. Philemon had a slave named Onesimus and he escaped and ran  away. And through God's providence, Onesimus ended up getting to know the apostle Paul in  Rome who was in prison, and became very helpful to Paul. And eventually Paul finds out the  story, that he was a runaway slave from someone that Paul knows, or people that were  connected to people that Paul knew. So Paul sends the slave back to his master. Paul sends  Onesimus back to Philemon with this letter that we call Philemon. And Paul has this tricky  situation. How's he going to handle this? And so I made a study of this. Paul was very people  smart. And so I just quickly read it. And you'll see some of the things that Paul did. He starts  out I always thank, My God, as I remember you in my prayers. So what is Paul doing? Paul is  saying, Philemon, you're one of the people that I care about. You know, Paul has to bring up a  difficult situation. But he starts with common ground. And they're their positive connection.  Because I hear about your love for all his holy people and your faith in the Lord Jesus, I've  heard some really great things about you, you're a great guy. I pray that your partnership with us in the faith may be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we  share, for the sake of Christ. Okay, so he's continuing this positive rapport thing. Your love has given me great joy, and encouragement, because you brother have refreshed the hearts of  the Lord's people, you've, you've helped others. And because you've helped others, you've  helped me, you've made a difference in my life. Therefore, although in Christ, I could be bold  in order for you to do what you ought to do. Okay, now he's getting to the problem. We got  this problem with this slave situation, and I can order you to do something. But I prefer to  appeal to you on the basis of love. Okay, well, how can how can Philemon refuse this? Again,  going on, it is none other than Paul. So he's saying, who is an old man, now also a prisoner of  Christ Jesus, that I appeal to you for my son, Onesimus, who has become my son while I was  in chains. So this slave of yours who ran away, that maybe you want to punish is becoming an incredible help to me. Formerly, he was useless to you. Again, now Paul is playing on the  name Onesimus. Onesimus means useful. So formerly, he was useless to you. He wasn't a  very good slave, he ended up running away. But now he has become useful both to you and  me. Okay, I'm sending him who was my very heart, I have a connection with this guy back to  you. I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me  while I am in chains for the gospel. So Paul's saying, you know, you have some skin in the  game here to you know, this is a worldwide ministry, and you should be helping me and  maybe you are through this slave of yours, and I would like to keep him but he says, but I did  not want to do anything without your consent. See how tactful Paul's being so that any so that any favor you would do would not seem forced but would be voluntary. I'm not going to force  you to do what I think you should do. Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a  little while, perhaps the reason, you know, in God's providence while your your slave ran away and you've gone through all this trouble was that you might have him back forever. No longer  as a slave but better than a slave as a dear brother. Now Paul is sort of pushing towards you  know, let me say this is not just a slave anymore, he's a brother in Christ. So what are you 

going to do with it? He is very dear to me but even dearer to you. Both as a fellow man as and as our brother in the Lord. You see how subtle , Paul is being. so if you consider me a partner,  if we're in this together, welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has done you any  wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me, I Paul am writing this with my own hand, I will  pay it back not to mention that you owe me your very self you know, I'm willing to pay but  you know you owe me your very life. I'm the one that you know through me Christianity, and  the salvation of your soul has come to you. I do not wish brother, that I may have some  benefit. I do wish brother that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ, Confident of your obedience I write to you knowing that you will do even more than I ask. So he's being positive. I'm sure that we're going to be able to work this whole thing out.  And one more thing prepare a guest room for me because I hope to be restored to you in in  answer to your prayers. Epaphras my fellow prisoner in Christ. That's it. Okay, so what am I  saying? I'm saying people smart Paul was very people smart, he had this problem, and he  dealt with it in a very tactful way. If you're going to be a counselor, if you're going to be a  coach, you need to be able to deal with people in a tactful way. There'll be things that come  up, there'll be problems, maybe your client wants to do something that will hurt himself or  others and then you have to be very tactful. Without you know, you know, coming down as  the authority, you have to be able to tactfully move your client towards things and that's what it takes to be a good coach. So these are just 10 characteristics is probably many more. But  as you go forward, you might want to just review these things once in a while. This is what it  takes to be a be a great coach.