Video Transcript: Life Coach Minister Training - Part One

Steve - Hi, my name again is Steve Elzinga. I'm here with Henry Reyenga and President Henry Reyenga, glad that you're here with us today.  

Henry - I'm happy to help.  

Steve - Yeah, well, actually, as you are here, you're going to be helping out, I want to  demonstrate to you what it might be like when you first meet someone to do a little bit of  coaching. Now, some of this, you may have done with them already to even convince them  coaching. In fact, a part of this course, we're going to try to help you come up with a little  flyer that you might hand out to people. So they have an idea of what this whole thing is. It's  sort of your information, but also your sell sheet, right helps people get motivated to do this.  So I think the first thing that people have to understand, so right now you're my client, okay,  the first thing, the first thing you need to understand is that coaching is maybe a little bit  different than some of the, let's say pastoral care, counseling, or mentorship discipleship  experiences that you've already had. Okay? And that this is a positive, a lot of people have  tried some of these things. And they didn't get anywhere with the counseling. The discipling,  maybe didn't go that, well. This is something different, it's revolutionary way  

Henry - to make the point is different. Because as a minister, we're taught to do pastoral care  and other things. But this is not that, right?  

Steve - I mean, it has is related to these things. But still, it's, it's something that if you've  failed with other things in the past, this could be something that really helps. And I think it  really does. I just, I just tried this with a married couple about three weeks ago, they were  involved in counseling with one of our other staff members, and they weren't making any  progress. And so I was actually that staff member went on vacation, and then said, Could you  call them? So I called them and they were kind of, you know, we're not getting anywhere. And I said, Well, you know, I don't mind meeting with you. But here's what I would do different. I  gotcha. Okay. And when they heard that, they were like, Yeah, that's kind of what we'd like to  do. Okay, so I think it's a positive.  

Henry - Okay, so here's, here's what cower away of a book. What's that book about?  

Steve - This is, this is one of the things that you get one of the tools that we talked about in  the first session, this is sort of the summary notes of the course, that they've already taken.  So, you know, ideally, you just know this, you memorize it, you memorize it, it's really, you  know, it looks daunting in some ways. But it's so logical that right after a while, you'll get it.  But but, you know, when you're first starting out, just take it with, right? In fact, sometimes  it's nice, because you can actually show it to the right person and say, here's three options,  

which one do you want to do? Right? And then you're not leading them, you're not pushing  them in a certain direction, you're letting them freely decide.  

Henry - So what is coaching? First of all, what is not coaching?  

Steve - Okay, coaching is not pastoral care. Pastoral Care is general care that you have  towards the people in your church. And of course, coaching is care.  

Henry - So if I were a parishioner, or a client, or whatever, you'd actually say, Henry, I want to  first of all talk that about that this is not pastoral care, you'll let Yes.  

Steve - This is not because because I don't want you to have expectations of certain things.  I'm not going to be holding your hand and patting you on the back and hugging you all the  time, right? That's not this is not okay. I'm not just coming into care about you. I'm more into  challenging you, challenging you on to something, rather than just saying, I'm sorry to hear 

that. And those kinds of pastoral care things, those are good things. But coaching is more  about challenge than just simply care.  

Henry - So you let that right at the beginning.  

Steve - right at the beginning. So you know, and they're gonna hear a lot of stuff in the  beginning, and they won't get it to you, and yet you'll keep coming back to this. Okay. Second thing, coaching is not counseling. Okay. And sometimes that's a good thing, because they've  had bad counseling experiences, people have given advice that didn't work, right. Okay  counseling focuses on the past, right? You know, what went wrong? What was your childhood? Like? What was it like when you first started school? And the idea behind counseling is if you  understand, right, some of the hurtful things in your life, then you'll be able to sort of get over this  

Henry - so understanding Unlocks things.  

Steve - Yeah. And it does. And it doesn't. I mean, there's a lot of people go through  counseling, and they understand and they still don't get along with right, you know, so it  doesn't make the problems go away, even though they hope they will yet sometimes, but  sometimes it doesn't. Counseling sort of focuses on the past right. Coaching sort of focuses  on the future. What are you going to do? How are you going to change things? So maybe you  had a rough childhood? But what are you going to do differently? Rather than just talking  forever about your past? Okay? Number three, it's not about training. I'm not here to teach  you a bunch of things. Although there might be some of that, right? We'll talk more about that with a role in training, but not in this moment, right? In the coaching moment, I'm not  teaching you a bunch of things. if I'm going to teach you things, because, you know, you're  you have a specific need, like parenting, let's write, or marriage, there might be some things  that we'll go over that are the general principles of how to make a marriage better. But then I  switch back to counseling or coaching and say, Okay, now of all this stuff, what do you want  to do?  

Henry - Sort of like basketball? Remember, my uncle was our coach, and he would in the  game, all you would do is focus on what we're doing. Right? But then at practice, then he  would say, No, we're not in the game. And let's learn free throws, right.  

Steve - So he was a whole different, a whole section of teaching. Yes. And then when the  game time was coaching, because in some ways, at game time, the ball is in your hands,  right? Not his. Right, gotcha. I can see that. It's the same sort of thing. Number four, coaching is not mentoring. Mentoring is, you know, you know, I'm really good at guitar. And now you  want to be like me, right? Right. So you're trying to become and learn the same things that I  do. And so I'm trying to help you become that. So mentoring is, you're trying to be like me in  coaching, I'm trying to not make you like me, I'm trying to help you make the best you that  you can be it's not about you learning the skills that I know. It's about how can Henry be the  best Henry that he can be? Right. Right. And as a coach, how do I help make that happens?  

Henry - Right. But sometimes, I would imagine that I push that away, because, you know,  what does that mean?  

Steve - Right? It's difficult. Yeah. Is, is easier for you to just say I want to be like this person, or that person. But as a coach, I'm going to try to help you become uniquely you. Okay. And that  may have elements of other people, right? But how do we help you, you know, and maybe,  maybe the person the client has been trying to be like, everybody in life, and they're worn out and tired trying to be something they're not, right. So if I can help you, how do I help you  uniquely find who you are, right? That's gonna be you'll be more successful at whatever that  is. 

Henry - Does the supply for, like, problems I might have to apply for, you know, making  decisions or stuff like that is all the same stuff that okay,  

Steve - how do I help you make the right decision for you? Because if you make the decision,  if I can help you figure out what you want to do, right, you're more likely to do it. Right? If as a mentor or a coach or a teacher, as a teacher, I tell you what I think you should right right,  Henry, I think he should do this. Right? Well, are you as motivated to do something just  because I told you a lot of people tell you do a lot of things, right.  

Henry - So really is about transferring ownership to the person, not the life coach Minister, the life course Minister wants ownership, that I sign off,  

Steve - right. So I want you so in other words, what I'm trying to get my client, this is the first  meeting, I want him to understand that the ball is going to be more in your court than maybe  you've thought of in the past. Okay, a lot of times people come into counseling, helping  situation and I think this person is going to give advice, right? And, and they're nervous about  it, you know, this is a smart person, and he's gonna say some things to me, and he's gonna  push me and make me feel uncomfortable and all those things. No, I'm going to help you  finally discover what you want to do. Okay, I'm gonna help you stick with it. And finally,  

Henry - you know, all of that is actually in that. Okay? The booklet. Okay. All right there.  

Steve - So the next thing is just some other thoughts on what coaching is, I told you what  coaching is not, okay, here's some other things and then I'll ask you to react to these. So  there's four of them. Number one, coaching is nothing is about action, not understanding. You  get what that is.  

Henry - Yeah. So well, and I feel like often when If someone comes to a pastor or a minister,  they do come for like understanding, right?  

Steve - They want you to come up with some great insight that from the Bible even Yeah. And  then a week later, they forgotten what that insight is,  

Henry - you know, I have come from for almost four years. And you're right about that. I often  find that, right.  

Steve - But if you get them towards an action, then they either did it or they didn't. All right,  number two, coaching is client directed not teacher directed. Okay. You know what that  means?  

Henry - So really, you're going to keep keep the focus on my problem, my dream my person,  you're not going to tell stories about yourself. Right? Okay. And I love it.  

Steve - I want you to figure out some things. I'm going to help you. It's not Like, I'm just  leaving you alone, right. But I'm trusting that you you can figure some things out, and I'm  going to help you do that. Right. Number three, coaching is not about getting the client to do  what the coach wants. But what the client wants?  

Henry - That's a hard one for ministers. Yes. I mean, because we we seek to be led by the  word of God. And sometimes it would be hard not to say something.  

Steve - Yes. And to, but I think in general, you know, we probably often say too quickly, right?  That someone has a problem and we right away, see the problem, we name it and write claim it and you know, give it to them? Right? When if we just spend a little time asking a few  questions, they would figure that out. 

Henry - Right. If we give them the opportunity to figure it out, they will do better with it. Yes,  other than us telling them.  

Steve - So that's in some ways. Another point. Coaching is about letting the player be the star. Right? Right. I mean, if you think about coaching in the sporting world, right? The players that are on the field, right, and the players in the end, lift the trophy up, they have to win the  game, and the coach is the supportive role. Right. And so that's what coaching is, in the  supportive role. How can I make you the star? If I have all the answers, then I am the star.  

Henry - Now that many of you have taken this life coaching class that you taught? People  smart? Well, the points that come up constantly, and you probably noticed that is the  constant getting responsibility for others to take responsibility that you're not the answer,  man, that you want them to come up with the answer,  

Steve - which, in some ways is, you know, if I'm the if I'm the coach, it makes me feel good to  give you an answer that you Oh, yeah. Wow. See, that is so insightful, and that's going to  change my life.  

Henry - That that has a feel good for me. Yeah. For you. You for me.  

Steve - Right. But it actually feels. Ultimately, it feels a lot better if I can get you to figure this  out. And then I just know you never would have figured it out if I hadn't helped you. Right.  See, we're undercover  

Henry - Yeah, you're like in the lighting the match? Yeah, in the wood is dry. Yeah. And the  flame, but yeah, you're burning in the fire hope is burning in them.  

Steve - So to kind of learn to get joy in someone else's success. And knowing that you made it happen. That's that servant, that that the acronym? Yes, that's a minister. Right? It's really  good. Number four, coaching is not about motivating the client, because a lot of times we're  trying to help someone. You know, you got to love your wife more, you got to do the kind  things. You got to not get into these arguments, right? You got to be more disciplined as a  parent. You have to be more assertive at your workplace, you know, all these things where I'm trying to motivate you to do something, right. So coaching is not so much about me trying to  motivate you. It's about helping you motivate yourself. Because if I'm always motivating you,  then you'll do things as long as I'm here motivating you, but I don't live with you. 24/7 you  live with you. 24/7 So if I can help you motivate yourself, that's a constant deal.  

Henry - You know, for me many times, this has been a hard thing because I am an  encourager, and so many times over my minister life you know, they people would leave and I would get them motivated, but it was difficult to get them to be motivated to motivate  themselves.  

Steve - Right, right. Because you were the you were the kindling you were the wood and then  when the wood burns up, it was still on me in a lot of ways.  

Henry - But like coaching ministry is to get them to be self motivated to solve the problems  that they want to solve, right?  

Steve - So for some of you, that are extremely gifted, like Henry is extremely gifted with  people, it's sometimes harder, because you, you have all the skills to make things happen.  And some of you are maybe not that skillful at it, you've never been that good at it good at it,  you might be good at coaching, yeah, you might have an advantage, in that you're, you're  more behind the scenes and like being behind the scenes. And that's a good place for you,  this might be a natural fit for you, right? So any either way, anyone can do this. And you don't

have to have a specific personality to be a really good coach. So that's what I've started with  in the last thing that I would do. And this is all sort of pre pre work. We haven't really done it  yet.  

Henry - So we're training on how to be a life coach, Minister, we're doing this together a little  bit commenting on something. So what's the last point?  

Steve - The last thing is, is I think to give the new person remember, this is like your first  session, right? Here's an idea. There's three things basically, that I as a coach, I'm going to do for Okay, three things, it's really simple. It's not that complicated. But it's three things. The  first thing is I'm going to try to help you think of areas of your life that you either want to  improve, or you want to change, or there's some problems or pressure points or places that  you're hurting. And then we'll try to look at those areas, and then try to figure out what is  something that you could do about it. Okay, so a decision to do something, okay. The second  thing is, once you've decided on an area, and what you want to do, is to come up with a plan,  like, maybe you want to have a better marriage, right? That's what you want to do. But that's  not very specific. So how would you do that? you need a plan? Well, I'm gonna, first of all, I'm  gonna have a date night, and then I'm gonna every morning, get up and give my wife a kiss.  And then every night we're gonna hold hands, you know, you have a whole list of the what  you want to do, right? So it's a general, what you want to do, then a plan to do it, okay? And  then finally, I'm going to help you manage this plan. So because you can make a plan. And  then the next week, you do nothing, right? Or you, you started to try to do it. And then your  wife didn't like what you were doing, right. And you know, this plans never just happened. Or  you've never been very disciplined about making something happen. So you have this plan,  you have this goal. But two weeks later, you're not doing anything about so I'm meeting with  you, making sure that we stick with the plan, or we adjust the plan or I'm not forcing you. I'm  just managing the process. It's like someone wants to learn how to play the guitar. I can show  them in 10 minutes, right? But people that I show how to play the guitar, in 10 minutes, don't  learn to play the guitar, right? Why? Because they don't have the discipline, they get to stick  with it. Right? So if I meet with them once a week, well, what did you do? I have this problem  with this. Right? And so over time, they can do it. So it's just really three, simple, but  

Henry - can we just so I think I for sure understand that, too. We actually, like do this in real  time. Like, I'll pretend I'm a client. And I'm coming to you. And so we'll just, you know, we do  that.  

Steve - We're going to do that and then on the other day, okay. We're all rather than rewriting  your writing this whole thing. Excellent. So we'll end it here, and then we'll come back with  some other things.