Video Transcript: Life Coach Minister Training - Part Two

Steve - Again, My name is Steve Elzinga. I'm here with Henry Reyenga. Welcome again, Henry. We're looking at how you would start a coaching session with someone we looked at, sort of  what coaching is not what coaching is the three things that a coach actually does. I help them make a decision about some action, I help you get a plan. And I help you manage the plan so  that you're successful at it. But there's one more thing that and I think it's unique to the kind  of coaching we teach at CLI, I don't think I don't, I don't know of other coaching systems  actually go through this. But we're here at CLI we think this is a foundational thing. And that's  the prerequisites right to making coaching work. Because in some ways, if we talked last  time, coaching is client centered. In other words, I'm trying to help you figure out stuff for  yourself. And I'm believing in you, and I think you can do it. And I think, you know, solutions  are there inside of you. That only works if you're a Christian, right? I mean, if you're a non  Christian, I talk about that in the class, I could be helping you become a better bank robber,  or more self absorbed person or a more selfish person, or a womanizer, or whatever.  

Henry - I have never loved about psychology, in even therapy, as a pastor. I'm just being  honest with you, right? Because a lot of times when I've studied that stuff, it really says, Well,  you can't really influence people. You just want them to talk. And and sometimes that's made  me sad.  

Steve - Yeah. Because then, you know, without Christ, we know it all falls apart. And so how  am I going to help you solve your problems when you're bankrupt? Yeah. So so in this now,  we're going to go over some things that I think are prerequisites, does this mean that your  client has these things perfectly? No, no. In fact, your client could be missing them entirely,  entirely some of these things. This isn't the time to you know, as I go over these things, I'm  not trying to drill down and, and solve some of these sort of issues. I'm bringing them up to  

see where you're at. So I know what I'm working with. And then later on, when this might  become a problem, right? I can drill down on those things. 

Henry - Oh, I see. So in a lot of ways in this session, you're identifying what someone's quote,  prerequisite knowledge walk with God is like, see what you're dealing with in terms of their  own values and beliefs. Right?  

Steve - I'm not going to now unless the conversation goes that way. I'm not really going to  insist. We'll get started. I'll show you what I'm talking about. So number one, I think the  number one prerequisite is to have is save saving connection to Jesus. Okay. Okay. Now, what  I'm saying about the drill down if I was a Baptist, and I'd be asking you, when did you give  your life to Christ? Right? If I was a reformed coach, I'd be saying, When did you get baptized? And I'd be sort of qualifying All right, yeah, I'm just gonna leave it. You know, I'm just a  general Hey, do you have a saving connection to Jesus Christ? And what would you say if I  asked you that?  

Henry - I do  

Steve - Yeah. Okay. And if you elaborate it, you'd elaborate if you did, I would just accept it as  it is, I'm not going to try to well, does that mean, you know, and try to  

Henry - I see. So if I said no, you would not just do the gospel right there?  

Steve - Well, I would say okay. I would say now, this is Christian counseling. Do you want to  know more about that? or, I, you know, I might, I might not? I don't know, depends on a  relationship, right? Remember, we're just starting out, right? And I don't want us to all of a  sudden have a big fight about whether you know Jesus or not,  

Henry - you don't want to get into the weeds, right? And then sacrifice a relationship. 

Steve - I know that relationship with Christ is absolutely essential, or are we going to succeed  in anything? Right? Okay.  

Henry - So in other words, it's like what you've talked about the connections, you know what  your spiritual dream? It really is suspect to that? Yes. Okay,  

Steve - so number two. Do you know about the Spirit? The Holy Spirit? Do you have the spirit  in you, for example, now?  

Henry - So let me just get this straight. So you're a life coach Minister and Minister oz  communicates that you're going to ask a couple of God questions. Yes. This is different than a  just like coach who would not go into this because you're an ordained minister.  

Steve - So a lot of times you'll be dealing with people in the church, this is going to be no  trouble. You're going to have some clients that are just marginally or nominally Yeah, or sort  of,  

Henry - you're actually bringing that up, say, well, so what's the Holy Spirit? Can you ask  again? Right? Is that on the card?  

Steve - Yes. Okay, so the spirit. So I have three things on here, the fruit of the Spirit, the gifts  of the Spirit, and the guidance of the Spirit. Do you know, you know what the fruits of the  spirit are?  

5:18 Henry - Love joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness,  

Steve - I would just say, Okay, love, joy, peace, patience, if I didn't. So that's one of the verses you should know, I say, okay, so I can just quickly say that the fruit of the Spirit is we as  Christians, we believe the Spirit is in us. And He exhibits Himself in these kinds of things, love, joy, peace, patience,  

Henry - in some ways, you're really laying the ground rules, in many ways of this relationship.  

Steve - And why it's important is because I'm believing in you, right? And if you have the Holy  Spirit in you, then you have all these gifts. And not only that, you not only have the fruits of  the Spirit, but you have the gifts of the Spirit, right? Do you Do you know what your spiritual  gift is?  

Henry - I faith and leadership.  

Steve - So you do know? Yeah, now maybe someone would go, I don't even know what that is. Right? Well, then I would just briefly it's not my time to go into depth or anything. But the fruit of that we believe as Christians that everyone has this Spirit in them and the spirit promises  to give each one a gift, like leadership, like helping, like service, like leaders. Right? So okay,  oh, that's interesting. And then finally, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We believe that praying to God, God can speak to you, he can guide you, right, he can show you the way. And the  reason this is important, because I'm going to be asking you to try to figure out your life. But  you want to rely on the Holy Spirit. Right? You want a walk with God, you want the Holy Spirit.  Right? Don't worry about it. If you don't, you know, like a newbie, right? It's okay. Right?  Number three, you have a walk with God. Right? Do a walk with God is talking listening  repeatedly. We know about that everybody, right? You have a prayer life? Read the Bible. And  then maybe they say that they don't? Well, you know, now I might just say, why are you  interested in that event? Right? Because I can easily show you how to do that. Right? And  then be prepared to give them something, something ready to give read and write over  everything. Number four, part of a church? Are you part of a church? I was a part of a church 

and then Okay. Okay. And the reason why that's important is because you need the support of other people, right? In becoming what you want to become.  

Henry - I imagine all of those things, even that term, gives you already a pre existing  understanding of the client just by these issues,  

Steve - right. Because if he doesn't have a walk with God, and he doesn't have a connection  to church, you can see why he's struggling, right he doesn't have the support, he needs to  make anything happen. And right, right, so he's frustrated, right? So we need to get some of  that going. If we're going to succeed, then number number five the seven connections, which  is the, do you have a relationship to God? Do you have a connection to your wife and God,  you have a connection to your family? And God? Do you have friends, godly friends? Are you  part of a church? Are you connected to what God is doing? Like, you know, taking CLI classes,  you're part of a kingdom thing? Do you have any of these things going in your life?  

Henry - Now? In some ways? That's fascinating to me. Because I can see that somebody  might say, Well, yeah, I do read the Bible and pray somewhat in my own life, nothing with my  wife. Occasionally we do with my family. I do go a small group, but definitely, like once in a  while, and I attend church, you know, once a month, I mean, you know, a lot of pre existing  types of things. But just by going to, and this is the second session, then the first is no, I  would probably still do this. So this is like the second sort of part of the first this is sort of your download.  

Steve - You know, I think, I think Abraham Lincoln said that, you know, if he was gonna cut a  tree down. And he only had two hours, you spend the first hour sharpening the saw right  before the axe. Yeah. And so a lot of times, either like, you go to a small group meeting and  people just start having a small group, they don't go over the rules or what the expectations  are. And then later on, people end up fighting about things right. Most marriage problems are  because the expectations have never been talked about. So upfront, we just talked about all  these things. Right? Well, they have a general idea of now they're going to remember  everything you said right? But you are going to remember what they said it's going to help  You. you won't be surprised when they come up with some of the things. And you'll be able to, like if you don't have many of the seven connections, that that's one of the models that we  use on getting them to think about what they want to change in their life. Right? So I might I  be, I might be more inclined to use that one. Right. I know they, they're missing those, right.  

Henry - And you have insights to serve them better as a minister just by knowing where they  truly are. Right?  

Steve - Right. And then you can kind of help them you know, where to start helping them.  Okay, number six is you need to take responsibility. So our prerequisite is a disposition  towards taking responsibility. So I want to know, Henry, are you willing to take responsibility  for the changes or anything that you want to work on? And then the response, I'm putting the  responsibility on you? If this didn't work? It's not my fault. You're taking the responsibility. And  a lot of people come into a counseling situation thinking I'm not responsible for this is, you  know, the counseling didn't work.  

Henry - Right. Right. No, I've heard that so often. Oh, yeah, the counseling did not work. I  tried counseling and it didn't work. In your saying that even in the first encounter, you're  making it clear that if it does work, it works. Because you decide to do so.  

Steve - And then specifically, okay, like appointments. If we're going to make appointments  and change appointments, you call don't make me chase after you. Right? If I'm the one  chasing after you, I'm the one that wants this. Right? And you don't. So I'm putting all the  responsibility on you engaging in the process that right and giving a priority of time. So 

number seven, that's what number seven is make coaching relationship a priority? Are you  willing to do that, if, if you're doing this in your life is so busy that you don't have any time to  do anything, right? Then it's not gonna work? You have to be as a client, you have to be  willing to say, Yes, I'm making this a priority. With my life. You know, my life is busy. And  there's a lot of challenges, but right now, I want to work on this. Right? And then finally,  number eight, and this is a little, you know, this could be dicey. Okay. Are you willing to pay?  Oh, pay? Yes. Pay, because now, this is where, you know, if you have a coaching thing, or the  established that was already on your little card, or info sheet, and there's a per session  amount, and all these things, but when you're getting started, it might be a little harder. So  you know, if you're just starting out in this sort of thing, what I'm saying is, something is  necessary at this point right? Now. Now, maybe you're just starting an LLC, you're with  friends, and you will just want to practice on your friends. Make em pay. right? It could just be  this or I'm willing to do this, but you have to take me out to dinner but that little bit of  something, right makes it so that they take it seriously. Right. So that's part, you know, part of the pay thing is that people take it responsible  

Henry - so it could be things like, you know, so let's say your life coach Minister out of a  church, and you have a little basket, you know, paying would be a donation. Yeah. You know,  so it could be a lot of ways you get to develop this currency. But you're saying that somebody  needs to just.  

Steve - Otherwise, you know, that's, you know, both of us have experienced church where  people come in for pastoral care, counseling, and it's a marriage or whatever it might be. And  we're always chasing them, they come to the session late. They don't follow through and  what's done, when you're trying to make a time to meet with them, that I can only do it on  Wednesday night at eight o'clock. You're like, you're like changing your whole schedule to fit  their life where as when they go see the doctor. The doctor says, Well, I have an opening at  one o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah, well, I work Yeah, well, too bad. You want to meet with me  it's at one o'clock. So everywhere else in life. People have to accommodate their life to the  thing. Right as pastors, we tend to accommodate our whole life and our whole schedule to  them. And then we get this lukewarm, you know, passion and energy towards the thing,  

Henry - but I mean, but really, I just want to help people and I think that's a difficult  expectation for many ministers.  

Steve - Yes, because we are servants and I want to do anything I can to help you.  

Henry - You're saying it will hurt those I'm serving if they don't put skin in the game and that's the most servant hearted thing to do is to get to this point and say, Are you willing to pay now you might like so you might have expectations laid out. You might even say our life coaching  is a donation for expectation and mean, to donate into our offering back to thing as, right,  

Steve - something that puts it on them. Because if they're unwilling to step up a little bit,  right, they're not going to follow through with all the things you come.  

Henry - Well, I will tell you what I've learned at Christian Leaders Institute is that if you're a  vision partner of this ministry, the people who complete the classes there, it's over the top,  the percentage, even if they give very small little yet right is amazes me the difference. Now,  again, some people I know you have no money, you're in a situation and you're doing it  because the Lord has, but I'm just making the observation. My observation is that that is true. 

Steve - Yes. And, you know, you know, for some of you, you got into CLI and once you get into the classes, that is like self priming the pump. Yeah, the reward is in doing the work. So, but  here in the coaching thing, I haven't given you anything yet. Right. And it's hard to get that  going. Yeah, it's hard for you to start taking it seriously. And people at first think they're gonna

take it seriously. But you find out with the first assignment, you know, what are you going to  do this week? And then the meet with them the next time? And they've done nothing.  

Henry - I mean, is that all in that piece of paper, then? Because I can see many of us going  through any news going down the list? And then that last one, are you willing to pay? We  would be like, stuttering. I just saying, but you're saying to me and to all of us that, do it. Like  figure out what the currency means whether it's a envelope, whether it's a fee, or whatever,  you're are you willing to pay like that. You say like that?  

Steve - Well, are you Henry willing to pay? Yes, yes. You just did. You just took me out for  lunch? You prepaid? Right? So you're taken care of here? Yeah. Alright, so those are the  prerequisites. And again, they're just touching points. You know, as the client really gets into  one of these subjects, you might go in deeper, they really, you know, want to know more  about the Holy Spirit, you could go into a little teaching session, but you don't want this to  take control of the whole thing. This is just a broad overview, will help you understand what  you're working with, hopefully, you know, you know, and every, not everyone's perfect, but  hopefully, they have some of these things going right, so that you have enough of the basis to trust, right, that they can do things, they can solve some of their own problems. But if they  don't do that, well on some of these prerequisites in the back of your mind, you know, when  you bump into a thing, you're going to have to do a little more teaching, right? You know, if  you put that teaching hat on, or that that, you know, we'll talk more about the different  badges that you might have to put on. You might have to put on a parenting badge or  marriage badge and do a little bit of teaching, because they just don't have enough stuff  there to work with.  

Henry - Right? So we're trying to see what happens if you get someone who has a serious  objection to one of those things, and they we've known in counseling and stuff like that,  where all sudden someone gets an allergic reaction to one of those.  

Steve - Yeah, like, let's say they, they like Jesus, but they don't like the church. Yeah, in our  church are hypocrites. Right? I would just go, Okay. I'm just listening. I'm hearing you. Again, I  wouldn't kick them out the door. I wouldn't say you got to change your mind on this church or  we can't proceed. I will keep proceeding knowing that there's this problem. And we'll see if  this problem surfaces somewhere in his, you know, it may surface when he fails at something, and then it's going to be a great teaching moment. You know, I'll tell you, can I put the  teaching hat on I go, it could it be that you don't have enough support in your life. And that's  why you keep failing is that you want to do, and now they're more willing to think about this  whole thing? Because they've been failing at something rather than I don't hardly know you  and now we're gonna have an argument about how important church is right, gotcha. So I  think it's again in you want to as a pastor, you want to get into each one of these, because  these one of these, you know, taking responsibility, the spirit walk with God being part of a  church, what right which one of these is not important, right? They all are very important.  

Henry - So you in some ways, it's in If it behooves you to hold back, hold back, just hold back.  

Steve - And in some ways, a lot of coaching is that really you're holding back, right? Giving  the person's space, I think, to come to it, got it. And if you trust the coaching process long  enough, there's a good chance that the client will come to it. Or there'll be a better  opportunity, where now you can finally put the teaching hat on. And now they're going to be  able to listen, because, number one, you've already helped them do so many things, now  they trust you. You have way a lot, a lot of things going for you in the beginning, right, you  know, who am I and I'm just sitting here with a pad of paper in my hands. So I'm not trying to  get into anything with you. I'm saying I'm accepting you, wherever you're at. But I'm giving  you a little precursor of what we might get into later. 

Henry - I don't understand totally this question. And you said, Trust, the coaching process?  Can you explain that further? Like, if you trust the coaching process, what's so special about  this process?  

Steve - The coaching process is really, I think, giving the client time to figure things out,  rather than telling them like, for example, in parenting, a lot of parenting is is telling the good  guy, what to put your socks on. He pulled this one on first, put the second one on now pull  your pants, and we totally direct that whole thing. Yeah, a coaching process would just throw  two socks at the kids and see what he does, right? He puts it on his head, and he puts it on  his hands, he puts it eventually, they're putting it on their feet, right? You just have to be you  know, Oh, that's interesting. They put it on their head. Right? Is that working? You know,  eventually you ask enough questions, and people can kind of figure out how to do it. It's like  you remember when I took you sailing in Vancouver? sailboat living in Vancouver, like 25, 30  years ago now is the 22, 22 foot. We're in the harbor of Vancouver. And the wind is whipping  around. And I just said, here's the rudder. And I moved over. Yeah, I didn't show I didn't tell  you how to do it. I didn't say turn this way. Or turn that way. I didn't freak out yet. But within  5, 10 minutes, right, you figured out what you know, you pull it the opposite direction and all  that within 5, 10 minutes. You know what you're right. So that I'm trusting I look at you and I  go intelligent person, you should be able to figure this out as a prerequisite to actually you  know, but I have to trust that most people are going to be way too controlling. They're going  to, you know, oh, I have to teach you. Yeah. Whereas I would rather see you, you know, just, I  know that you're going to figure it out. And the self discovery process is way more motivating  than me telling, you now, I'm setting you up a little bit. I've got it in a certain direction. I'm  helping you succeed in under the under under covers, right? You know, I want you to succeed  in the best way. So I'm eliminating i don't i We're not heading for an island, right. You know,  we're gonna crash into something that you don't do. Right? You know, so that's what is nice.  That's very impressive. Alright, so that's the prerequisites and next time we'll actually look at  a coaching session.