Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 3.1

We've dealt with the verse, Proverbs 28, verse six better a poor  man whose walk is blameless, than a rich man whose ways are perverse. A lot of influence I think Henry is used to make wealth, you know, it's not what you know, it's who you know, the connections that you make. But the Bible says true wealth, true riches is a walk with God. Because you can be an influential person, and that can get you a lot of things. But if you don't have a walk with God in the end what do you have? So again, we're just, you know, we have this on every slide, because we want to just, you know, when you're done with this class, at least you will know this, that if you want to influence people, you have to have a walk with God. And we're talking about a daily talking and listening habits of walking with God. Not to go to church once a week and hear what someone else has to say about God. Walk. But one that you own yourself. So you're following God's will through His Word, you're listening to his Spirit as you pray. That's the absolute key. 

I remember in our history of ministry, collaboration partnership, over the years, I remember early on, we talked about if you walk with God, and your spouse walks with God, and you have two children, and you pass a walk with God unto them, and over 400 years, 

If that pattern continues…

That will be 1 million people that will be influenced for Christ. 

A lot of people go “what”? 

Do the math. 

Just keep doubling, and you'll double 20 times.So 20-40 years is the thing. It comes to about four hundred years. 

So that was pretty interesting. Yep. Well, let's continue on the principles of things that hurt your influence. 

So we'll look at the negative but then of course, we'll switch into the positive. 

So being excessively dramatic. 

What do you mean by that? Well, you're never dramatic. 

Well, it's actually good to be dramatic and interesting and not boring. And so the issue is not whether you're dramatic. But in a lot of literature about someone who's diminished influence is when it's always dramatic. Everything is about ready to explode. The world is one step away from decaying or everything is bad or good. 

Why do you think people do that? Why did they rely on this? Exaggerating and drama about emotion? 

Too much emotion? 

Yeah. Why? 

Well, I mean, if I know when I am excessively dramatic sometimes. But sometimes I'm just too enthusiastic. I'm not realizing that I'm coming off excessively dramatic. That's good for me to be self aware. I think sometimes, maybe I'm insecure about something. So you go the opposite way to be secure. 

I don't have anything to say so I am going to say louder. 

I wonder about that. How do you see that? Well, this as Proverbs said, each heart knows its own bitterness. And no one else can share in its joy. So there is a little bit of a hiddenness about emotion and how it's displayed. 

I think a lot of times people are overly dramatic. Because they don't have have a lot of good points to sell, or make their point or sell their point or make their point. 

Substance is lacking. 

Substance is lacking. So instead, you use emotion and drama. Salesmen do this all the time. You have to buy it right now, today, this is a one day sale. And it's like, the world's gonna end if I don't buy this today. They act like that. And then you get that feeling because they're trying to manipulate you. And emotion is one of those good ways to manipulate people and being you know, a person who's overly dramatic is always saying this is the best or this is the worst. We have to do something right now. So in a church context, it’s people that's what they want to be pulling the fire alarm over every little thing that happens in church. The leadership has to do something about this. You know, a lot of times we can just relax. Let's just, you know, it's not that big a deal. All right, you can deal with this. 

In somewhat is related to the next point that people study influence, say to be exaggerating, or lying, and we talked about lying in previous ones. But this kind of shade is the excessive dramatic exaggeration. Proverbs 10, verse 10, he who winks maliciously causes grief and a chattering fool comes to ruin or proverbs 24 Verse 26. And honest answer is like a kiss on the lips, that’s the positive side of that. Have you noticed that exaggerating hurts someone's influence? 

Yeah. Persons, a lot of church planters exaggerate. How many of you planted a church? How many are coming to your church? Oh, we have about 200 coming. And they really have 100. 

200 have shown up in the last six month. 

Yeah, or, you know,  one time one service they had 200. But generally, they have 120. And it's, you know, we live in a competitive world. Even in the church, everyone wants to look good. And so I think people like in golf, you know, we both golf, a lot of people are frustrated with golf, because they shot 45 once for nine holes, and now they think that’s their average. But their average is 50. But now they're upset because they don't shoot at 45. Well, you did that once. So you know, it's just easy to exaggerate everything that you do, and then people don't trust what you say. 

And in my opinion, from a Pastor point of view when you preach the Word, you know, you study, and sometimes you want to make the point. So you take a passage, and make the passage, say that point. So I mean, it's, ultimately people look at it and think I don’t see that point, you know, I don't see that angle. In a lot of ways of ministries, we're seeing how the Holy Spirit's using the word of God to change our life that we're communicating. So this perspective of influence is to honestly look at the data and be creative without excessively exaggerating, excessively moving into. 

Where we excessively will exaggerate the negative, so that the positive answer that we have, you know, 

We were fundraising, where excess of how bad the community is and how much we need your we're all shutting the whole ministry down in two weeks if we don't get the money now, you know, 

It's a way to force people to make a decision or to do what we want them to do. But, you know, if you keep using it, people catch on. There was no fire emergency here and now there is and they don't believe you. 

The next one is breaking the law, that's just plain, stay out of trouble. It hurts your influence if you break the law. And, you know, increasingly, there are a lot more laws in the United States. Like, I entered a study there were like, you know, let's say a number. 400 laws in 1975. And now there's like 4000 laws on the books. So in many ways, as a ministry leader, this is very important. I ever wonder if someday, that there's going to be a life coach minister area, just that will sit down with families and go over with the families like, here's how, like with the teenagers, and okay, so you're figuring things out right now, we're going to consult with you and give you six weeks of what the law actually says, Now you can get in trouble, because they've studied more young people, their 20s especially men are in jail now, percentage of population, in a lot of it comes to you, they really don't know how you'd be in jailed. But it hurts your reputation. 

And just, you know, not just the laws of the land. But you know, when you say you're going to be somewhere that's like a law. And then you don't stick with your word. So then again, people don't trust what you have to say. You exaggerate, you tell lies, you say you're going to do something and then you don't. Who can follow that. 

From a life coach minister perspective, we're going to also launch a reentry program, or reentry role or badge out of jail. Yeah. So somebody is incarcerated. Now they've come out. So one of the coaching badges that we're developing a specialization is reentry coaching. 

How do you help people do that?

So as we  think about this in restoring reputation, if someone breaks the law are you sort of stuck? Because there's something you can do to repair your reputation? Even in something like this? What's your opinion on that? 

Yeah, of course. You know, and that would be if we, you know, was we're working on that course, the coach would be able to come alongside the person who's trying to make a reentry and look at his life. And, you know, where can we start repairing it? You know, with social media? I mean, there are a lot of ways. 

There's a lot of different dimensions to this. 

Yeah,  you know, going back to people, you know, letting people know where you're at now, I mean, it's a whole thing, taking classes that CLI and showing people that you're, you know, you  have a disciplined life that you're involved with all those things, help restore your reputation? 

Well, in a lot of ways, when someone breaks the law, they have to be very self aware about several of these influence factors such as appearance. You know, how they live a moderate life? So part of the concept of influence, is a self awareness piece of am I influencing and why am I doing?

What are people's perceptions of me? And what can I do about it? 

Well, and this directly relates these all sort of relate today to hanging out with the wrong crowd. Proverbs 12, verse 26, and a righteous man is cautious in friendship. 

It's amazing how we do we start becoming what we hang around. Maybe some of you struggle with some of the words that you say, are not always that flattering, or, you know, some Christians even start swearing, and they don't want to, but where they work, everyone does it all day long. And even though you're not into it, you don't like it, you're against it, you end up doing it  just because it's around you. I mean, it's how we learn a language.  A lot of people disqualify themselves from leadership. You know, I can't learn anything, I can't do anything. But every one of us have learned a language. And that's not easy. No. Okay. So we learned that without working at it, it was around us, and we just pick it up, and people pick up, whatever they're around, if you're with the wrong crowd, you're gonna pick up all these destructive habits. And then again, what do you have to share with someone? 

You know, in some ways, let's talk about the wrong crowd in people groups, you know, influencing, I remember, in some of the literature, it talks a lot about it's not just the crowd that causes you to sin. It's the crowd that brings your dream away from you. Or it’s the crowd, you're looking for the crowd, that’s the positive, encouraging crowd. And you might be hanging out with a crowd that, you know, hey, they're all great people met, but they just bring you down. They're naysayers. 

They don't believe in you. Maybe because they don't believe in themselves, and then they don't want you to start going beyond them. So if you start doing something interesting or stepping out, then they just drag you down to their level. They don't want you succeeding and not them. So if you're with that kind of crowd, yeah. Then how are you going to get ahead? No one can get ahead because the whole crowd keeps pulling you down. I listen to my kids sometimes. You know, the one thing I really enjoy four boys. And the one thing they are very close in the age. And maybe that's why they do it. I don't know. But they've always been very supportive of one another. Something good happens they cheer without that jealousy factor. You know, or sports if someone does something good, they genuinely think that's cool. But some get into this competitive group. Even siblings can get my siblings, parents. Sometimes, parents get jealous of their kids doing better. I mean. Maybe some of you have experienced as you're you're taking classes and you're improving and and now you have more things to say in a conversation and people are like, a little bit threatened by what you're doing. They're not growing. They're the same person. 

And that’s a good point. You will find out if you are growing those in your life who are not growing, but get jealous of you growing, and they almost become persecuting, on your advancement in your walk with God, in your advancement in ministry, ministry training. 

So if you want to be an influencer, really probably you know walking with God is number one, but probably number two is hanging around people that can encourage you to be a good influencer. Hang around positive people that see good things in you or, you know, have helpful  things to say you know, and that's really what a coach is for again. A coach is that. He's the person that helps you see things for yourself and then encourage you as you start stepping out and making things happen. 

This will be a excellent life coach minister, influence badge specialization area, because you've been interesting for people to do an inventory. Proud, that they're hanging around and heading to the coach to help you 

How to evaluate your friendship circle and how to then make friends in the right area that will be supportive. How do you find people like that? How do you initiate? How do you do this? 

Now, some would say, you know, well, are you rejecting some to find others? What is that? I mean, how do you respond when people say to me, because again, sometimes you read the literature about this, it's like, you know, get rid of that crowd, and then go on to that crowd. And I know that there's probably love of Christ is somewhere in that continuum. 

Yeah. You know, again, if you're a sinking ship, then you're not going to be able to help anyone anyway. So, you know, I had a good friend of mine, the guy who took over my church in Vancouver. His dad, you know, decided to, early on when he was younger, his dad decided that, you know, the church wasn't helping the prostitutes, and so on in downtown Vancouver, weren't doing it. So he went on his own downtown. And he's trying to help all these people. They're on drugs. Well, he ended up on drugs. And he just because he went alone, into a difficult area, and, you know, the stuff around him grabbed him. And so I think you just have to stop. Now, you're strong, and you have a huge support group, and you're becoming all that God wants you to be, then yeah, if you're that old crowd that was dragging you down, you might need to witness, you might be able to say something. But if you're not strong yet, you're more likely to get sucked in then you helping them. It depends on where you're at. 

I always find that it's an arrow thing for me. And I talked to my wife and I and Pam talked about this, Steve and I talked about, which way is the arrow pointing in this sense? If you have friends and are you pointing them to Christ? Or are they dragging the arrow pointing you? Which way is it going? And again, there's, I know, be a little messy in there. Because, you know, sometimes things happen and you're trying to gain rapport. And it looks like you're a little that way. And then there's a little way, which way is the whole trend going? 

But if you don't have a supportive group, then probably you need to leave that other group because you can't do it without the support of others. 

You leave the herd and those who are galloping for Christ's and then you are alone. 

So I'm in like in our church, a lot of times our church grows because we reach someone and they have all these unchurched friends, and then they can be an influence. But now we surround them, encourage them and give them the tools to do that. They're not on their own doing that.

Actually, sort of, when you first hear it hang out with the wrong crowd, the first thing you think about is just like a sin issue. You know, bad character corrupts good company or bad company corrupts good character. That's how it is. But in this, it's really a big one here, for influence. And in the literature, one slide doesn't do good or doesn't do justice for how much of this talk about in various dimensions. Bragging about your wealth, or your generosity does not increase your influence. And if you have that habit, it will hurt you. One man pretends to be rich and yet have nothing. Another pretends to be poor, and yet has great wealth. Come to the observation there. Yeah. 

Again, I think the bragging about your wealth or your generosity, the focus is on you. I'm thinking about me making an impression on you. What’s influence is I'm trying to help you have a good impression of yourself.  I'm trying to lift you up. I'm not engaging in all this conversation so that I get lifted up. So that's what this is. When you're bragging you're trying to lift you're trying to create a stage for yourself. And influence is creating a stage for other people. 

I know a person who has, like three fourths or more of the traits of influence that everybody will follow. But he happens to do this one. And as he does it, the people in his life just recoil away from him. Even though he is a generous guy, even though he really cares, and there's no question, but he just brings up the fact that, you know, I funded that thing before anybody else even got on board with that, you know, and he, I'm not sure exactly why. But I know this is a diminishes his influence considerably. 

I think people do it when they're feeling insecure, no one notices how much I do. Everyone thinks less of me than I think they ought to, and no one's encouraging me and saying, I'm doing a good job. So I'm fishing for it. I want someone to say something. So one way to help someone like that is to recognize them and to give them more encouragement, really, as a person trying for more encouragement. But some people  are in endless bottomless sea. You can encourage them…

I mean, you really need coaching on this issue. Like, okay, this is an issue for you, and how would you help somebody like this? 

Well, a lot of times, you know, you may have to slip into counseling, because I find a lot of people that, you know, maybe lost their parents when they were young, I heard that people that lose their parents or one parent, let's say when they're young, they tend to stay at that age. So if they're 10, they're like a10 year old, I know, several people like that. And, it's like their parents left them. And now they don't have a sense of am I somebody, they don't have a parent saying your good, you know, I love you, I think you're awesome, I think you're gonna be a great  person. He’s  looking for that and everything, and you couldn't say it enough to them. It’s like a  bottomless pit and some of that they have to understand maybe a little bit about why they're, you know, it's because their father left them and never said anything throughout those years. And they have to deal with that a little bit. And then maybe, you know, like in coaching, how do we, you know, what are some ways to not say that, and what are some ways to have a more positive encouraging relationship with people like just, you know, for a spouse, hey, I really need feedback. And could you give me feedback. Or friends, could you give me feedback on this because I'm a little insecure, So that's better than fishing for it. 

That’s very, very good. The last one for today flirting, and unfaithfulness. Proverbs two verse 18-19. In this talking about going into the adulterous in, this isn't trying to pick on women as the adulterous. Let's just say that this is a two way street, but it's in this particular case for her house leads down to death, and her path to the spirits of the dead, none will go to her, none who go to her return, and attain the path of life.

I remember reading a story of a kid that his parents wanted a divorce. So they went to me like a 10 year old. And they went to him and said, Johnny, you know, mom and daddy don't love each other anymore. So we're gonna separate, we're gonna get a divorce. But that doesn't mean that we don't love you. We will always love you, you can count on that. Now the kid hears that. And he can imagine that, that they said those exact words to each other when they got married. I will love you, you can count me… those are the vows that you make. And  yet, years later, things happen and you don't anymore. So when you say you're gonna love me forever. Well, how do I know that? And that's the problem with the influence. This time, it was a problem and so on, it's saying it's not sticking with a promise. You made a huge promise in front of God and people to stick with this person and even when you're flirting, or you're in or you're unfaithful, and you don't get caught. Still, this is the biggest commitment you've ever made to anybody and you're willing to break it. 

It hurts your influence.

Yeah, how would I trust you with anything that you say if you're going to break it the biggest one. 

How do you repair after you've made these mistakes, and now you're saying, you know, I have learned it. I have been unfaithful and praise God for His grace for new beginning. Is this, this is a potentially difficult one to repair. 

Very difficult and, and a lot of times people don't. they don't apologize, they don't admit where they were wrong, they don't admit that, you know, this is what happened and this is my part in it. Step one, you have to admit where, you know, I, you know, I dropped the ball here. Maybe that person, other person dropped the ball too. But you have to face, I think, face that. And then now you have to slowly rebuild your honor in little ways, like, I'll be at your house tomorrow at nine and then you're there at nine. Then, you know, once you've broken trust, in some big area, it's hard for people to trust in any area, and the only way to repair it is to become more trustworthy in little things, And that's gonna take a while for a person to trust you. It just takes time it can be done. But it takes time. 

You know, I know that, we have different expectations in the world. And many people have lived in the context of this unfaithfulness their entire childhood. Almost taken for granted as accepted and the media sort of paints the picture that 

I don’t love anymore. So what are for what's not my problem? It’s not my fault?  I just fell out of love. What can I do? It is, I don't know what promise did you make them? Then you shouldn't have made such a big promise in the first place? She should have said, Yes, I marry you. Unless I don't like you anymore. Unless I find someone else. You should have all these addendums. Then they should be at least honest. So people want to make a strong vow, I will be faithful forever. And then later on, they go I don’t love you anymore. So what can I do? 

So if someone's coming to a life coach, minister, and many will because you know, divorce is 50% of the population. Things have gone not always that great. How can a life coach a minister, help someone in this area? 

I think, first you got to deal with the past what happened? Where repentance is needed, maybe you didn't work out as hard as you could have, you didn't go to the counselor or coach, when it might have made a difference and all those things. Admit what you've done wrong. And now what do you want to do, to do things better before a lot of people just jump into another relationship or just do radically all over again without realizing what they did wrong? And what, you know, how can we practice living up to our promises before you jump in, 

Part of that plan is like you had mentioned earlier, the simple things, make sure you're always on time, make sure. But it is still a plan though. There could be a plan. Yes. It could look at this. 

And to you know, let's say you're dating another new person, you're open and honest with them. And then now they're helping you stick with things and put guards in your life what happened, you know, like you're going into this with your eyes open this time, not just falling into it. 

Wow. Lots of heavy stuff today. And this concludes this session and we look forward to seeing you again at the next one.