Henry Reyenga with Steve Elzinga we're back for a conversation about influence wrecking  habits and you can't believe there's this many influence wrecking habits. And that a walk with God has something to say that fuels a influential person.

 

So I berated all of you last session about whether you had a walk with God. Have you acquired a walk with God since that session?

 

I didn't think you were berating them. You're challenging them.

 

When you don't accept the challenge, it sounds like berating.

 

I got I think that's a good challenge.

 

Well, so if this shoe fits, and let's keep going. So, losing moderation in your lifestyle, Proverbs 20 verse one, Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler, whoever is led astray by them is not wise. Proverbs 25, verse 27, is not good to eat too much honey.

 

So the rest of that is or you will vomit.

 

Yeah. We only have so much room on this slide. So losing moderation. I think our culture, many parts of the world, the culture has lost moderation anyway. We have places where new  marijuana rules or where marijuana is legal in many states, alcohol is out there. I know that Jesus created water into wines. The issue is not necessarily, but there's an alcoholics, they should never even be around alcohol. There's a lot of issues of moderation. There's eating and eating too much. There's obesity, severe obesity was not related to genetic issues. But just  related to, I can eat whatever I want or so, again it's almost to the point where even saying stuff about the lack of moderation is often considered as hate speech, even a form of it. But the truth is that moderation is important for influence.

 

Another word that you might use is balance. You want to have a balanced life. So you can, you can not have moderation if your life if you're working all the time. Or you're spending all your time at church and doing ministry and ignoring your spouse or your family. That’s you know, work in moderation, do everything in moderation or in other words, have a good balance with everything that you do. Don't, you know, go into one thing to the neglect of the other. We said something about that in that last session about triage, that if you spend way too much time on this, and you make it perfect, which is good. But on the other hand, you're losing all these things that you didn't do anything with.

 

In some ways, this is one word coach could be really helpful.

 

Because people don't always see where their life is out of balance. They just unhappy and  everyone around them is unhappy. So then a coach can say, All right, let's look at your life. Where things kind of pinching, where's the pressure? Where you're feeling anxious, and then people put it out on the table. And then it's like, you know, soon you can see burning the candle on both ends. I'm heavily into that. And I ignore that. And I get behind on that. And I work on that. And then I get behind on the other thing.

 

Yeah. And I think that, that ministers, when you especially the prayer ministers, who this is your work keeping that balances because often many of you don't have to be in a certain place. Like in some ways, in terms of self paced, when you punch in and punch out or you go there. Many people in ministry, if you're retired and you're doing ministry as a volunteer now. All of a sudden, you're injected, that you internally must be balanced. And how to get there there's a life coach opportunity. Not caring about your dress, or appearance. Proverbs 15 Verse 30, a cheerful look, brings joy to the heart and good news gives health to the bones. Now in this sense it’s like a cheerful look, by the person. But I picked that verse because I just sort of look the word look. I could not honestly find a proverbs, Steve I'm just going to be looking at it, I'm done with it with a disclosure that I cannot find now, if you can find what one, email it to me, you know, but the idea that this is something that influence literature talks about that many people discount on importance of appearances is at many level?

 

Well, you know, if you don't look put together, people conclude maybe your life isn't together. And if you're sloppy about that, then are you sloppy with other things? And so should I follow you? Should I believe what you say,

 

It feels superficial to me, I know, I've heard one person's I look how is how I look, if they're gonna judge me for how I look then that’s on them I'm worth. You know, I heard that a few more people,

 

But people, you know, when you're speaking, and you're trying to influence me, I make judgments about whether I should listen to you based on what? I have to go with what I have your first impression, what I have is what you're saying and what you look like, and I put all those things together.

 

So in terms of influencing for Christ in ministry, and all that, how important is first impressions and look, and, you know, because we talked about all these deep things, they feel deep, and this feels so on the surface,

 

You know, and appearance has many facets to it. For example, my church is very informal, we have a lot of new people that come in. So I dress informally. So it's not like, you know, when you concern with your appearance, that doesn't mean you're necessarily wearing the suit. You're trying to wear what is appropriate for the situation. You don't want what you're wearing to be the distraction.

 

I mean, I have a suit and you have to, but now you offer, you're coming to the Lord house, and you said, I'm better than you actually over to cook up and over.

 

So it's just caring about your dress and appearance and being appropriate to the situation.

 

Now there is in different cultures, modesty laws, but are modesty rules, modesty customs, and we've traveled the world and we're fascinated that one place in the world, this type of clothing is modest. And this other part of the world is not respectful,

 

In Philippines, it's really, really hot. But people wear long pants. And if you go into a function, and you show up in shorts, they may excuse it, cuz you're a white person, you're a missionary or something, but they feel dishonored. So you have to know those customs. You have to put a pair of pants on even though it's 95 degrees out,  because it honors them.

 

So dress from a appropriate perspective is important even in your mission and where you are,

 

Who you're trying to reach if you're trying to reach  guys that are working in warehouses, then what will relate to them? Paul says I've  become all things to all people by all possible means to reach them.

 

So actually there's a good look? But if you have find the Apostle Paul there, he is thing where  appropriate for what you're trying to do.

 

Don't let that be a distraction. Let it be an asset instead of a distraction.

 

I think sometimes Christians you see in social media too, where since social media is a global platform, people judge each other not by their unique place. It's your own place and you see a Christian looking like this to you often you go off on them because you can't believe that somebody would not be like you and be a Christian. One more thing on this one before I go so I life coach so someone comes to talk with you about dress and appearance. In some ways, that would feel a little bit like strange like what are they gonna do go shopping with you or help you decide. Who's gonna go shopping with you?

 

I mean, you can tell people a bunch of stuff or you can help them discover it. And again in the  coaching thing, it's always good to help them discover. Okay, where are you feeling? In terms of how to place with your dress. Well, I go here and this, you know, that if you just help them talk about it, they can figure out not as anyone else’s shirts wear a tie. No. So how do you feel about that? Maybe I shouldn't wear a tie. You know, I don't have to tell you not to wear a tie. I just have to get you to start talking about these awkward situations, or where do you  feel uncomfortable or? Well, I feel uncomfortable, because I was taught that this is the Lord's house. Okay, is there another way of thinking about this? I don't know. This is where I always thought and I will come up with three different ways of thinking about this. I guess I don't, I guess I'm not dissing my friends when I show up with my jeans. God sees me in my underwear, and he still loves me. Impressive. You know, whatever. There's other things to think of here. So just helping them think. Again, you could tell them, Look, wear  this, do this, do that. But then when you're not there, they're lost again. They gotta help they gotta get to a thought about this. Why this? Why is this important? You know, what can you do about it?

 

Here's one that sort of, in the literature and I had a hard time finding a Bible passage on this one too, actually. Being sly or creepy. Proverbs 14, verse 17, I sort of saw a crafty man is hated. Again, I'm just putting all these together just enough, just but I get what influence literature talks about when it comes to the creepy. How do you understand creepy?

 

I don’t know. Creepy is someone that is, you know, there's some kind of a hidden agenda here. And I don't trust you. So it can be how you're dressed. It could be what you're saying. Or not saying, There's something about you that I don't trust. Something like, you know, maybe you make some inappropriate jokes, or you're overly friendly. You stare to the female staff or something weird, creepy thing. Or, you know, you're you're always touching the opposite sex and giving them hugs. It’s fine giving a hug, but you know, some people when they're excessive, or they go out of their way, and it's like, Okay, what's going on here? So I think it's these little hidden, inappropriate things. Just little borderline inappropriate, inappropriate dress. You know, what, why are you dressing like that? What are you trying to do here?

 

Where you call attention to yourself in a way that doesn't seem normal, You know, to use that type of,

 

People you know, that you're working with, and they want to talk about, let's say, your sex life or something with your spouse and rarely call them you know, what is this got to do with anything? Yeah, why are you asking me this? There's some other agenda. I don't know about. Yeah. Hiding you know.

 

So sometimes, people are creepy about one thing or two things. They're not generally creepy.  But if they talk about this, they're creepy. Do you think everybody is creepy about something? Or do you think that some people really have the creepy minds are pretty well, I mean, is this  something that everybody should have a conversation with a trusted friend? Hey, do I have any areas of my life where I'm creepy about? You just wonder about that to do a reality check. Because I might not think something's creepy. Because I thought my whole childhood growing up, and it didn't feel creepy, but it just, you know, I think there's sort of like manipulative, creepy. But there's also people were raised a certain way. They're not thinking this was normal for me.

 

Probably a good way to ask somebody is there  any aspect of where I'm kinda seems inappropriate to you. Like, I have some other agenda? Yeah, you know, it's when you do this.

 

But now, that would be for many very difficult too, like, want to look at a sophomore. Wait, you get defensive on that quickly.  Probably. You could be like, if it's suddenly you do and you do. 14:55

 

But I think if you're in charge of asking that's, that's kind of a general rule. If you wait for someone to criticize you, then you get defensive. If you ask them. Do you have any advice to give me? I'm in charge. So I don't feel bad when you start giving me advice because I asked it from you. But when you give it without me asking it, and you are poking me and you want to poke me?  Yeah, so when I asked for it, you didn't even want anything. I'm coming to you.

 

So next one, using social media as your bully pulpit. Proverbs six verse 27, can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?

 

Okay, so what's a bully platform?

 

Well, you know, you have a political position. And, you really believe strongly in the new social media, and you post all these articles about your position, and then then maybe you put in the line, something like, you know, the opposite party has now forgot this. And, you know, you're more, let's say, You believe a certain social issue a certain way. And then it's like, anytime someone goes to your social media feed, they see that this is your thing, it's always your thing. And you feel you become a very thin in who you are to the world, in, this is what who you are and you want everyone to know it.

 

That's the term itself bully. I think of a bully pulpit. When you're standing behind a pulpit, you have authority that people are given to you as the pastor. And now and you can speak to your congregation for as long as you want, Because you have the pulpit they’re stuck there sitting there listening. So you have an advantage that others don't have. In a conversation I'm talking to you, you can interrupt me if I disagree. But when I'm behind the pulpit, I have an authority that sort of squelches you. So as people taking the you know, taking advantage of their position or something on a platform to hammer their position without anyone having a chance to really discuss it. So I think in social media, you can just say all that you want. And it's very difficult for people to, you know, to have a conversation with you about that. You can slant everything your way, and, you know, make the other person look silly and stupid, that you wouldn't be able to do maybe in another situation.

 

Where it's interesting, a lot of the companies have now laws and guidelines, this whole discussion of fake news and everything. You know, part of it is related to the influencing wrecking habits that a lot of people believe strongly about something, keep pushing the envelope, and then it becomes like spamming. People feel that this is spam, and then they complain about it. Now, what you can get caught up on is, well, my issue is just and I want everybody. But notice the violation of influence there are how to influence wrecking habit. The fact that people complain itself says that anyone who gets a bully pulpit type of stuff, they feel like I don't want to be wrong and purposely complain to Facebook or to, you know, another social media company about it. The trait tells you that people don't like that.

 

I think too. Like in social media, you learn a lot, there's a lot of speakers on social media, YouTube and so on. You can listen to really smart people say stuff. And, and when you listen to someone, talk about for example, global warming, for example, and they'll have 10 really great things that you can't say anything against for it. Or someone else listens to other guys who are against it. They can arrange all the information exactly, just so that when you a person who doesn't know much about it, hear it. It's like, wow, that's it. And so now you go down that trail and you believe this and you're telling all your friends this is the truth, when you don't know whether it's the truth or not. And then someone else shows you the other side. It's true. It's not true. I listened to a lot of people and this is what everyone's saying, or until they hear someone else, give 10 reasons on the other side. And they're flipping and flopping and it's just hard these days with social media because everyone's using it as a platform to slant everything. It rarely does someone go, let me tell you the 10 things for this and the 10 things against this, let you think about it. No, it's you’re an idiot if you don't  think exactly the way I think,

 

And then ultimately, having a whether you preach on Sunday this way, even preaching, there's a humility by which you don't have things in the Bible or like, you know, I don't know, this is my, you know, looking at listening and reading the commentaries. And there's smart people who think opposite on this. So I don't have all the answers. But people think that is always gotta be this way. 20:40

 

Using humor that disrespects  people, Proverbs 4 Verse 24, put away perversity from your mouth, keep corrupt talk fire from your lips. Why is humor something that can hurt your influence?

 

Humor is I watch people talking on the street or in a mall or wherever? And within a minute, someone's laughing? So humor is the oil of million degrees. Making relationships happen. And not all of us are humorous or comedians. And so a lot of us rely on put down humor, or sarcastic humor. Yeah, negative stuff. Cause negative stuff can be funny. You know, I was in the  Philippines for a year long ago. And if someone got hurt, everyone started laughing. It was just sort of our actually it was it was just funny. That was part of that culture. When something happens is funny. So a lot of times we can use humor to hurt people, you know, we're trying to is that passive aggressive thing. I'm trying to say this to you, instead of being direct. I'm going to be humorous about well, it's about time you showed up, When really, I want to see how can we have so stinking late every time we have to wait for you. But I don't want to do that. So I make some comment. Well, I'm glad you finally showed up.  22:31

 

Yeah. I'm glad you graced us with your presence.

 

Yeah, thank you.

 

Well, and it too, let's talk about hate speech. It's in the news all the time. Let's talk about like, abuse speech. What is that, you know, it's hard to get a grasp of I mean, it's even in laws now in in the USA, and other places in the world. But if you say something hateful even joking about whether it's racial or whether it’s gender or a same sex or gay lesbian, there's so many of these areas now that are actually considered hate speech. And we Christians the worldview of one man, one woman marriage, and even at Christian Leaders Institute, we have everyone by anyone to study here. Okay, so now we're talking about people that have some different worldviews on some strongly believed things. And then they're sort of like this humor can be a place where little things are said that ultimately disrespect people.

 

Someone’s doing something. What's the matter, you gay? And we just mean that as a put down when the person isn't gay at all, but we use it as a negative term to slam somebody. Because they picked a flower or something, and it Oh, are you gay now are so inappropriate,

 

Even as you're saying that you're wondering, is that somehow inappropriate? Yeah.

 

Okay. So that well, that's the other side. The other side is, you know, where hate speech is something of course, it never goes well, hate does not work. But sometimes people interpret people just analyzing something as hate speech. If I if I want to talk about my beliefs about lesbians and gays, and transgender and all that, and I am arguing and making points about something, biology or I'm trying to make some kind of an argument, and then and I'm making it for a particular side, and then you don't like my side and now you call that hate speech? Or I'm just arguing a point. I'm not calling anybody anything. So that you know, people can go the other side and declare everything, if you disagree with me, it's hate speech. No, it can be. If I'm using in derogatory, I'm not very respectful about people that I'm talking about. But I can talk about differences and opinions without being disrespectful for a person that, you know, and I'm talking to a Christian, I believe a totally different thing that they do, but I can be respectful of them. I don't hate them. And I'm not going to belittle them. I want them to come to know the faith. So I'm being positive and, you know, gentle. 25:37

 

But as I hear you say that I, you know, some might be saying, well, you sound really defensive about telling your perspective or stellar. I bring this up, because that's the world we're in right now. Okay, we're in a place where if someone has a different worldview from me, we, because of social media, because that you have that one sided platform that we talked about the last time. And being influential, is knowing it better the world we live in. And we can fight it? Or we can say, look, how do I love my neighbor, even when it hurts? How do I get up on what is considered hate speech? And I think this issue will come back for Christians in surprising ways. We can be the leaders of respect, and kindness even with people with an opposite worldview,  from some of our perspectives, we would be more influential. But if we like, take the bait as Brian DeCook talks about the peacefire class and peace, if we often react and then go back and say, you know, you who don't have our worldview, you know, you can't possibly know God,  again, in a very demeaning ways.

 

Disrespectful speech, you know, maybe a lot of a lot of people aren't going to admit that they're doing hate speech. But if you just changed the word, respectful when you're talking about people that you disagree with. Even in church in little ways? You know, Lord, we pray for all those that are out there in darkness. What are you saying? Are you saying all of us are sitting here in the light? And all of those people out there are wallowing in the darkness? Aren't we great? Not they poor. It's disrespectful of people who need a savior just like you need a savior. More respectful would be, you know, we pray for people that are living in darkness as we sometimes struggle with that too. I need a savior too. I'm being respectful of you. I'm saying you need the same thing that I need. I’m not above you. 28:20

 

You know, this whole discussion, as the world gets more fragmented in, in different cultures come together in a lot of ways to learn how to have a proper humor, and to learn how to respect other people. People are very different opinions on anyone I feel frustrated too, is that in many ways, the walls that come up over superficial things, separate real opportunity of love and relationship. So like, thin, like a comment that's taken this way, it's like the evil ones just make the chasm bigger. When it was something superficial, it wasn't in the heart of both sides on a specific issue. Well, we'll leave that one that sort of relates to terrain dissension then. Proverbs six verse 14, B and 17. He always  stirs up dissension therefore disaster will overtake him. In an instant he will suddenly be destroyed without remedy. A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms quarrel, a greedy person or greedy man stirs up dissension. What is dissension?

 

Dissension it's a dissent. It's got to be negative. It's stirring up negative words connecting up people giving people against one another. You're encouraging arguments. I always say the leaders especially. You walk around with two cans, one is gas in it and one of water. And now you run into some situation, what are you going to pour on here, the gas, or you're going to put the water on this dissension. A lot of us put the gas on we hear, we get it, we say something that just makes it go even worse. And now we got this  huge fire. You know, our pastor did this, that he said that in the last sermon. I know he didn't, you know, add to it. And now we're both over on fire against this guy. Instead of saying, you know, maybe he wasn't the best last but you know, the week before he said this, I just put a little water on it. Or Jesus, you know, the woman caught in adultery, okay, those without sin. He threw water on those situations, and they all walked away.

 

I find that sometimes in my ministry over the last 40 years. I've seen lives destroyed spiritually by a dissent of spirit. I almost laughed ministry. Young in the ministry just knew, I thought  everything was going good. And this one man as ever nice to me. And then we but he was  superficially nice to everybody. 31

 

But what he was doing was getting the scene. Yes. So in a lot of times the some of the nicest people inadvertently or on purpose, you know, they go to one person and say something, you know, I just saw this and I'm a little concerned, I just thought you should know. Things like that, then they go to the other person. You know, I was just a little concerned. I thought you should know. You’re leader around here too, they’re passing things to both sides and turning into fire up on both sides and standing back and watching the blaze. Yeah, so if you're a person stirring up dissension, who wants to be around that who wants to be around people that are angry at each other? You know, we live in a world already filled with that. It's hard to be an influencer when you're, you're running around creating anger and frustration.

 

So we're gonna wrap up today, I guess. I hear these were all difficult subjects. But as I think about it, what a wonderful challenge we have. All these gaping problems, need leaders to come up and don't take the bait. Instead love even when it's difficult. Figure out how to be part of a solution, not how to tear down.

 

So that was the opposite of stirring up dissension. It's bringing healing, bringing people together, helping people see that they're not that far apart on issue rather than exacerbating the issue.

 

Anyway, until next  time, we look forward to seeing you again

 

 



Last modified: Friday, January 17, 2025, 7:24 AM